Silly boy...
I have to write somewhere, so I write here, where I hope no one really looks at, and not in the way where I say that in hopes that someone really WILL see it and blah blah blah. I only turn to live journal for things I don't want to tell anyone else... this is my place to put notes to myself, or to just try to help me figure out whats on my mind...
right now...its Tasche, how can I tell? because I keep thinking I hear a knock on my door and I turn, hoping she'll open it and come in smiling with her famous opening line that always makes me feel...all...shiny? Really, shiny is an emotion... I can't help but feel I've messed up so bad... There is a secret about her that is super super secret, so secret I don't even dare put it in writing just in case. All that matters is that I know around it. Yup, I know the entire egg shell, but the yolk and white stuff is the stuffy that matters. OK, now I'm going to try and sort out my head. She wrote a poem about it a long time ago on Deviant art. I left a comment on there to let her know I knew and cared... I think, maybe I worded it wrong, I'm probably just retarded and messed it up. Anyway, she put a reply to everyones comment but mine, so I thought maybe it was just not an issue she wanted to talk to me about. I left her alone about it and such and just tried to make her happy in every other way I could think of.
A while ago she gave me a scare, because we had been talking about how sad Daisy was because he loved her and she was supposedly "mine". Me being silly me, was trying, somewhat encouraging her to make Daisy happy...thats what I do unknowingly all the time, because I always believe in the "If you love someone set them free" but I think I don't do it right, I give her as much freedom, but I tend to also try to push freedom onto her if that makes any sense. Well anyway, I was pretty shaken when I discovered she actually WAS considering a 3 person relationship. Which terrified me, because up until then I was absolutely sure this was the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but learning she might not feel the same (which she had previously convinced me of) horrified me. I wanted her to either be happy with me, or Happy with Daisy and I would just drop away. But she then told me she loved me only me and so on. I'm still somewhat confused by that because if she would consider a love triangle now, what would happen if she was mad at me later in life, or just plain tired of me? Her and Daisy have also known each other longer... I'm not a very trustful person you might say, I don't think I am able to trust people very easily due to I don't care to explain my beliefs. I'm so confused between her and Daisy, as they are so much closer then me and Tasche. She feels like she can talk to him and be comfortable around him, she says he's like her personal counselour. Since this is my personal thoughts never to be expressed, I'm not going to censor my mind here, because this is the only place anything I say goes. I don't have anyone I trust to tell anything to... Tasche is like my best friend, but sometimes something happens. It's usually a miscommunication due to my retarded inability to speak, we both end up really sad and make up in the end. But I don't know how I'm going to tell her things, because thats the only way she'd feel comfortable telling me anything. I'm just always terribly afraid of saying the wrong thing as I always have a tendency to do. I never have been good at talking to people because actually up until two years ago I was a lonely kid. I don't think I've ever had a true best friend throughout my whole life... It wasn't too bad being lonely, I didn't know what else there was to be so it didn'y bother me when I was little, I mostly had to entertain myself and stay reclusive. Sure I had like...Max or Sam back then... but I couldn't ever talk to anyone, so thats why I don't really have very good social skills (dealing with girlfriends, knowing the right things to say at the right times) I dream of being a counserlour when I grow up, I like having people talk to me, I'm used to listening and enjoy it. When I found out that the thing I wanted to be for Tasche the most was someone else, my mind kind of twisted. Maybe I was numb, or I didn't fully understand what was happening until now, because only now is everything catching up to me and hurting... I seem to only be able to think clearly when I'm writing, I don't know whats wrong with me but when I speak...its all wrong, I never say what I mean to or what I WOULD say if my mind was just working... it never is anymore...its like its just on auto pilot. Anyway... at the moment I don't know why she loves me...as she says she does, as she and Daisy are incredibly close, and are what a good relationship needs in order for people to be happy...she told me to put in simple terms... just to be more considerate, I apparently never ask her how shes doing, or appear to care when shes sad. I care so much about her, I would do anything for her, I just have no idea how to act to help her and talk to her...Daisy is good to her... and he loves her so much... I don't know what she thinks I can give her that Daisy can't, when it's really the other way around. Tasche might move to Canada if Bush wins... Daisy will too, then I'll be completely left behind. If that happens, they should get together, because he would make her happy. If I lost Tasche, I don't think I'd want to be in another relationship. Tasches already talked to Daisy about the secret thing, and is talking to him regularly now as little sessions to talk about their lives and support each other... I wish I had something to rely on and help me with things...but I just have to accept that there isn't anyone like that for me, and I'll just have to help everyone else as best I can instead.
Thats enough emotion spilled for now, this is just about my headful of thoughts that have been crammed in there a lot and stressing me out a lot. I keep thinking I hear her voice or foot steps on the stairs... She's supposed to visit me in the morning, I think...but its a long walk and Daisy might be spending the night so it's ok if she doesn't...I understand when people don't do the things they say they will, as I'm not great at that myself.
right now...its Tasche, how can I tell? because I keep thinking I hear a knock on my door and I turn, hoping she'll open it and come in smiling with her famous opening line that always makes me feel...all...shiny? Really, shiny is an emotion... I can't help but feel I've messed up so bad... There is a secret about her that is super super secret, so secret I don't even dare put it in writing just in case. All that matters is that I know around it. Yup, I know the entire egg shell, but the yolk and white stuff is the stuffy that matters. OK, now I'm going to try and sort out my head. She wrote a poem about it a long time ago on Deviant art. I left a comment on there to let her know I knew and cared... I think, maybe I worded it wrong, I'm probably just retarded and messed it up. Anyway, she put a reply to everyones comment but mine, so I thought maybe it was just not an issue she wanted to talk to me about. I left her alone about it and such and just tried to make her happy in every other way I could think of.
A while ago she gave me a scare, because we had been talking about how sad Daisy was because he loved her and she was supposedly "mine". Me being silly me, was trying, somewhat encouraging her to make Daisy happy...thats what I do unknowingly all the time, because I always believe in the "If you love someone set them free" but I think I don't do it right, I give her as much freedom, but I tend to also try to push freedom onto her if that makes any sense. Well anyway, I was pretty shaken when I discovered she actually WAS considering a 3 person relationship. Which terrified me, because up until then I was absolutely sure this was the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but learning she might not feel the same (which she had previously convinced me of) horrified me. I wanted her to either be happy with me, or Happy with Daisy and I would just drop away. But she then told me she loved me only me and so on. I'm still somewhat confused by that because if she would consider a love triangle now, what would happen if she was mad at me later in life, or just plain tired of me? Her and Daisy have also known each other longer... I'm not a very trustful person you might say, I don't think I am able to trust people very easily due to I don't care to explain my beliefs. I'm so confused between her and Daisy, as they are so much closer then me and Tasche. She feels like she can talk to him and be comfortable around him, she says he's like her personal counselour. Since this is my personal thoughts never to be expressed, I'm not going to censor my mind here, because this is the only place anything I say goes. I don't have anyone I trust to tell anything to... Tasche is like my best friend, but sometimes something happens. It's usually a miscommunication due to my retarded inability to speak, we both end up really sad and make up in the end. But I don't know how I'm going to tell her things, because thats the only way she'd feel comfortable telling me anything. I'm just always terribly afraid of saying the wrong thing as I always have a tendency to do. I never have been good at talking to people because actually up until two years ago I was a lonely kid. I don't think I've ever had a true best friend throughout my whole life... It wasn't too bad being lonely, I didn't know what else there was to be so it didn'y bother me when I was little, I mostly had to entertain myself and stay reclusive. Sure I had like...Max or Sam back then... but I couldn't ever talk to anyone, so thats why I don't really have very good social skills (dealing with girlfriends, knowing the right things to say at the right times) I dream of being a counserlour when I grow up, I like having people talk to me, I'm used to listening and enjoy it. When I found out that the thing I wanted to be for Tasche the most was someone else, my mind kind of twisted. Maybe I was numb, or I didn't fully understand what was happening until now, because only now is everything catching up to me and hurting... I seem to only be able to think clearly when I'm writing, I don't know whats wrong with me but when I speak...its all wrong, I never say what I mean to or what I WOULD say if my mind was just working... it never is anymore...its like its just on auto pilot. Anyway... at the moment I don't know why she loves me...as she says she does, as she and Daisy are incredibly close, and are what a good relationship needs in order for people to be happy...she told me to put in simple terms... just to be more considerate, I apparently never ask her how shes doing, or appear to care when shes sad. I care so much about her, I would do anything for her, I just have no idea how to act to help her and talk to her...Daisy is good to her... and he loves her so much... I don't know what she thinks I can give her that Daisy can't, when it's really the other way around. Tasche might move to Canada if Bush wins... Daisy will too, then I'll be completely left behind. If that happens, they should get together, because he would make her happy. If I lost Tasche, I don't think I'd want to be in another relationship. Tasches already talked to Daisy about the secret thing, and is talking to him regularly now as little sessions to talk about their lives and support each other... I wish I had something to rely on and help me with things...but I just have to accept that there isn't anyone like that for me, and I'll just have to help everyone else as best I can instead.
Thats enough emotion spilled for now, this is just about my headful of thoughts that have been crammed in there a lot and stressing me out a lot. I keep thinking I hear her voice or foot steps on the stairs... She's supposed to visit me in the morning, I think...but its a long walk and Daisy might be spending the night so it's ok if she doesn't...I understand when people don't do the things they say they will, as I'm not great at that myself.