if given the chance do it all over to loose her again.

[smeecub]

how to explain how i'm feeling.. this is tough. everyday for the last week i have have reached to the depths of my mind thinking about her. my heart is there, but not completely. why cant i just love her all the way? what am i afraid of? why is it i find myself on the couch tonight sleeping next to a pillow i wish was her? could it be that i just dont know how to be away from her while she's away; that i'm just too used to 'how things were'. how can i want to know every detail about her day, and still feel the same when i even hear about a guy. why do i care more about that now expecially with what i have done. why do i yearn to see her, hold her, touch her hair, and look in her eyes?. why is it that i love her and cant seem 'feel' it. why dont i feel like i used to, what did i lose, how did i lose it, and how can i get it back. why cant i just have her here. why do i have to measure everyone to what she was, why couldnt she just be different -- but she says she's different. is she differnt in all the ways i need. i forget what i needed, but right now it seems as if i need her. why couldnt she just always be here so i could hold her. why cant i just move on. why do i want to love already.... i have always wanted to love. when did i stop feeling pain from cal. when did i learn to block it out; how did i manage to block out my love for her. why is it still in me. where is my modivation, my drive. why arent there answers in stars anymore. i want to see her and i dont know why. it drives me crazy. is this all because i just cant let go. was it that i tried so hard at pushing her out to see if it was right that i cant.. i cant... i dont even know. i wish there were someone to show this to, some way not to be a hypocrit. this is a fear i can not bring myself to face. is she the fear i cant. i fear being alone and rejected, i fear not seeing her, i fear not caring about her and recieving the same love. . . .
why cant i just do without her in my life. why cant i just make things easy. why cant i just feel right.