AU - May we die in the forest

[punchtheflowers]

Who: A wild Ivysaur and everyone who crosses his path
What: Your nature walk just got more interesting
Where: FDC woods
When: He'll be here all week until he's murdered
Warnings: Fighting, swearing, violence towards flora, Death

Comments

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[tank_rockarms]

Max was walking to the gym for his final workout of the day, so it was 7:57 sharp. He was carrying a dufflebag full of manly things (sweat towels, hydrating electrolyte drinks, sweatbands, sweat-protection deodorant, sweaters a couple emergency tank tops in case he ripped his regular one from too much flexing, protein bars, Slowpoke, and workout shorts) but remembered that he'd left a box of protein bars in his tank the other day and there were probably still a couple of good ones in there.

So, Max headed off to where he'd parked his giant, massive, orange tank to go get them. Surely nothing terrible would be happening to his tank at this very moment (no, surely nothing at all).

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[punchtheleaves]

Thanks to the short winter days that still lingered, the sunset had already bled away into dark blue skies. Ivysaur had to take advantage of this early nightfall while it lasted.

So here he was, sneaking again into the parking lot and dragging a few pieces of metal scraps with him. Some were ripped off other cars, while others were found dumpster diving (the prolific number of roboticists, inventors and military types meant that it was never hard to come by).

Tonight, that tank was the target. Priority number one: disable the treads so that it'd never be able to plow through the forest or any field of grass again. That was where the scraps came into play. He'd been collecting them ever since he first set eyes on that metal monster.

The Ivysaur was busy jamming junk into the underbelly of the tank when its owner just happened to return. The sound of metal on metal drowned out Max's footsteps, and he was too preoccupied to see him coming.

Re: EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[tank_rockarms]

Doot doot doot, Max was walking along to his tank when he heard... sounds... coming from beneath it. Max paused. Something was attacking his tank.

What. Was attacking. His tank.

He flipped his tank over with his muscles stomped around the other side of his tank to see what it was.

IT WAS BULBA.

"BULBA, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN' TO MY TANK!" he said in a calm and rational tone.

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[punchtheleaves]

Re: EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[tank_rockarms]

Oh great. Now Bulba's all hopped up on crazy juice, too.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'" Max called out a second time, crashing through the forest after him.

"GET BACK HERE," he also helpfully suggested.

Man look at all of those trees and things he's just breaking branches off as he crashes through like a madman. Sure is a pity there isn't some Guardian of the Forest running around who could do something about all of that senseless destruction.

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[punchtheleaves]

Re: EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[tank_rockarms]

Wait. Wait. Max remembered this feeling. And he remembered what this was. Sort of. Vinnie had used it on him. And he knew that Bulba couldn't do it. Max knew Bulba's abilities like the back of his hand and this wasn't Bulba.

But who could it possibly be?

Oh well, it made whoever was doing this to him blatantly obvious. Red flower, huh. Bulba was yellow. Nope, this was someone else. But who?

"WHO ARE YOU?"

Max dove at his Ivysaur assailant, trying to wrassle him to the ground and pin him there so he could ask him a few questions.

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[punchtheleaves]

Re: EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[tank_rockarms]

Max got a facefull of Vinnie's terrible pollen. But he didn't care.

"FIRST OFF, STOP SWEARIN' AT ME YOU LITTLE PRICK"

Oh right good, do as I say, not as I do.

"SECOND, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU."

Yes, keep that up. It's working very well so far.

"THIRD," started Max. But instead of words coming out of his mouth, Max used Sludge Bomb. And by that I mean to say, he suddenly vomited up the contents of his stomach. All over Vinnie. Max is a very big eater. This was a lot of food.

How do you like it when it happens to you, Vinnie?

"OH MY GOD DID THAT PURPLE CRAP MAKE ME DO THAT?" Max asked kindly, using a mouth that tasted of everything terrible in life. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU DOUCHEBAG."

EVENING OF THE THIRD DAY

[punchtheleaves]

And lo, a rain of acid and a medley of half-digested proteins poured over the Ivysaur - he was immune to poison, but he sure wasn't immune to gross disgusting shit.

He squirmed and writhed for dear life, trying to shake off Max. Maybe all this vomit was loosening Max's grip on him... oh god the smell, some of it got in his mouth. He could taste Max's stomach. It tasted like suffering.

The fact that Max would understand his Pokeswears wasn't even registering right now. In a move of brilliance, the Ivysaur brought its vines out again, lashing out against the human.

"I'm protectin' the forest from fuckheads like you!"

This scene clearly needs to be memorialized forever in a brilliantly colored artpiece

[tank_rockarms]

Oh look at that, a bunch of vines. This was somehow... familiar to Max. As they wrapped around his midsection, Max felt the need to reprieve one of his greatest hits. He let go of Vinnie with one vomit-covered arm and grabbed the vines with his left, free hand. There, this guy wasn't going anywhere now. Pinned with one arm, on a leash with the other.

"THE ONLY TIME I EVER DID ANYTHING TO THE FOREST WAS RIGHT NOW WHEN I CHASED ON AFTER YOU 'CAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT PROTECTIN' SOMETHIN' MEANS GOIN' OFF AND ATTACKIN' PEOPLE WHO AIN'T DONE NOTHIN' WRONG TO YOU. SO GUESS WHAT. YOU'RE THE CAUSE OF ME TAKIN' OUT HALF A DOZEN TREES BACK THERE. YOU WANT TO PROTECT THE FOREST? THEN..."

Of course Max couldn't possibly get all the contents of his stomach out in one go. Max was a beast, he couldn't possibly have gotten out several pounds of protein and complex carbs in one go. Oh look, the sweet potatoes and carrots were back. At least one hopes that horrid orange color is the result of sweet potatoes and carrots. And some random

sob sob sob

[punchtheleaves]

Yeah, unlikely

[tank_rockarms]

Max wasn't quite thinking properly. Had he been thinking, he might have thought to himself 'You know, I haven't seen Vinnie in almost a week, I wonder if he went crazy and started attacking people and also turned into an ivysaur for some reason.'

But he wasn't thinking that. He was thinking 'OH MY GOD THIS DICKWAD IS SUCH A HUGE DICK.'

"LISTEN, YOU DICKWAD," said Max, voicing his innermost feelings. "YOU TOUCH MY TANK AGAIN I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK."

He got to his knees, while holding the mystery ivysaur in the crook of one impossibly large arm. "YOU GOT THAT? NOW KNOCK YOUR SHIT OFF, YOU DICKWAD. OR I'LL KNOCK THAT SMUG LOOK OFF YOUR FACE."

Oh look at that, no vomiting this time, maybe he was done with that. Maybe.

it is too beautiful for this world

[punchtheleaves]

Clearly, there was only one natural response that the Ivysaur had to all of this. And that was to bare his teeth, twist and squirm until he could chomp down on Max's arm, anywhere he could reach.

While sharp, it was a pity that Ivysaur teeth weren't exactly the cutting fangs of a predator. But it summed up pretty succinctly his feelings for Max on the entire matter.

So beautiful

[tank_rockarms]

Max, with his fist that had the vines clenched tightly in his grasp, punched the offending Ivysaur off of his arm.

The Ivysaur went flying into the dark depths of the night, until the vines that Max was holding pulled taut. And Max jerked them back.

Yeah, this felt really familiar.

[punchtheleaves]