Orientation Week
Dear Journal,
So this week has been interesting so far. Orientation has been overwhelming. In addition to getting a lot of information at once, we are constantly reminded of how hard medical school is going to be, how much content it is, and how much we need to balance our lives. Well, with my situation, it kind of adds a whole new layer to the mix.
I've also already heard about cancer numerous times. It seems like it doesn't phase me at the time, but I find myself thinking about it later as the day goes on. I know I'm going to have to get over this, but I can't find the strength to be mean to myself and force myself to work at it. For now it just seems like it should be ok for me to feel this way, even though I know it will hinder me.
There is the added burden of not telling anyone yet about my situation. I know I should because I think about it more when no one knows, but I hate feeling like I'm bothering someone or pushing people away because they don't want to deal with someone with that much baggage. I don't want to isolate myself, but that may very well happen. I know I go to school with what should be very compassionate people, but it doesn't make trusting them any easier. I've told a couple of people who seem to understand, but their reactions are that that I would expect from someone whose never dealt with it or had a friend deal with it before, and I know it will take time for them to understand what I need from them, normalcy most of the time and just someone to listen to me when things get rough.
Then there are days like today when I find myself checking forums too often and nit-picking at my dad's habits, like drinking beer. He is looking and feeling a lot better than he was, but for some reason I can't accept that that may mean good news is on the way and have to be the party pooper. I was doing so well... but then I don't know what happened and I had a couple of bad days. I hope it's just a slump, and has nothing to do with the fact that I got busier. I wish I could just worry about myself, but its just getting to be too much. I'm not sure I can handle balancing academics and social life alone, let alone with this added worry on my head 24/7. I'm terrified, extremely terrified.
Angie
So this week has been interesting so far. Orientation has been overwhelming. In addition to getting a lot of information at once, we are constantly reminded of how hard medical school is going to be, how much content it is, and how much we need to balance our lives. Well, with my situation, it kind of adds a whole new layer to the mix.
I've also already heard about cancer numerous times. It seems like it doesn't phase me at the time, but I find myself thinking about it later as the day goes on. I know I'm going to have to get over this, but I can't find the strength to be mean to myself and force myself to work at it. For now it just seems like it should be ok for me to feel this way, even though I know it will hinder me.
There is the added burden of not telling anyone yet about my situation. I know I should because I think about it more when no one knows, but I hate feeling like I'm bothering someone or pushing people away because they don't want to deal with someone with that much baggage. I don't want to isolate myself, but that may very well happen. I know I go to school with what should be very compassionate people, but it doesn't make trusting them any easier. I've told a couple of people who seem to understand, but their reactions are that that I would expect from someone whose never dealt with it or had a friend deal with it before, and I know it will take time for them to understand what I need from them, normalcy most of the time and just someone to listen to me when things get rough.
Then there are days like today when I find myself checking forums too often and nit-picking at my dad's habits, like drinking beer. He is looking and feeling a lot better than he was, but for some reason I can't accept that that may mean good news is on the way and have to be the party pooper. I was doing so well... but then I don't know what happened and I had a couple of bad days. I hope it's just a slump, and has nothing to do with the fact that I got busier. I wish I could just worry about myself, but its just getting to be too much. I'm not sure I can handle balancing academics and social life alone, let alone with this added worry on my head 24/7. I'm terrified, extremely terrified.
Angie