Human Stupidity...
My dreams really are great for my morale, I just wish that 1) either it would completely come true or 2) my subconscious would have a sense of humor. Lacking both, I'm not feeling better. Not that I feel worse...I just feel like Little Ms.I-can-do-whatever-I-want died and now I'm stuck with Ms.What-the-hell-is-my-purpose-anyway.
I want to cry, but I'm not going to allow myself to...nothing is tear-worthy anymore. But then again, nothing is smile-worthy either. I'm just there. What's kind of stark is the idea that while I think that this is new, it's not...I've been waivering for a while, I've just been able to actually pull myself out of it.
Doubt consumes me, but somehow the one thing I don't fear is doubt. I thought life could be a fairytale, I really did. But instead I am slowly, painfully, indescribably learning that it just can't. Almost like my meaning in life said "Well, it's been nice...but I'm going to go find a real person now."
Piece by piece I'm dying, smiling doesn't come at all... I used to smile a lot, I used to be determined, I used to fall into and out of love. My dream? The old me having a conversation with the new me. Although, I do have to say that the new me was very attractive, skinny and beautiful. But the old me had a good diatribe to which the new me just kind of stood.
Piece by piece you lose yourself trying to conquer the one thing you never will. Determination leads you down a road of misery only to leave you when you need it most. Love, those who loved you, those that might have loved you in the future see a walking corpse of unhappiness, they see the changes, they see you...but somehow they dont. You wanted life without emotion, you wanted to beat the game be the best friend, the best lover, the best person, the best you. But drastic changes have drastic consequence and you; consequence to yourself.
I wish that I could just snap out of this; but maybe this is me? More than ever I need someone to validate my existence; I feel so alone.
I want to cry, but I'm not going to allow myself to...nothing is tear-worthy anymore. But then again, nothing is smile-worthy either. I'm just there. What's kind of stark is the idea that while I think that this is new, it's not...I've been waivering for a while, I've just been able to actually pull myself out of it.
Doubt consumes me, but somehow the one thing I don't fear is doubt. I thought life could be a fairytale, I really did. But instead I am slowly, painfully, indescribably learning that it just can't. Almost like my meaning in life said "Well, it's been nice...but I'm going to go find a real person now."
Piece by piece I'm dying, smiling doesn't come at all... I used to smile a lot, I used to be determined, I used to fall into and out of love. My dream? The old me having a conversation with the new me. Although, I do have to say that the new me was very attractive, skinny and beautiful. But the old me had a good diatribe to which the new me just kind of stood.
Piece by piece you lose yourself trying to conquer the one thing you never will. Determination leads you down a road of misery only to leave you when you need it most. Love, those who loved you, those that might have loved you in the future see a walking corpse of unhappiness, they see the changes, they see you...but somehow they dont. You wanted life without emotion, you wanted to beat the game be the best friend, the best lover, the best person, the best you. But drastic changes have drastic consequence and you; consequence to yourself.
I wish that I could just snap out of this; but maybe this is me? More than ever I need someone to validate my existence; I feel so alone.