I have this nasty habit
I have this terrible habit.
I push people, boys especially, away.
The minute I feel like things are getting too serious, that someone cares too much, that I care too much, I pull that rip cord and run.
I learned this younger than most. People who i cared the most about have this nasty habit of always disappearing on me, whether intentional or not. And thus, I've always been a bit of an emotional cripple. But one person convinced me it was ok. Until he wasn't here to convince me anymore, and in that wake, he left the worst scar of all.
I've been working to moving past that. I've been trying very hard to remember he would have wanted me to be happy, to live a full life, to "pass my hurricane ocean eyes" onto my kids. he would want me to find someone who could give me the life he wanted us to spend together.
With that comes several problems though. Because I feel like I have to find someone who was everything like him. At the same time, I feel like I never will, so I should try to find someone who is nothing like him, and make a completely different love.
He and I talked about everything. We had designed a life full of love and plans and goals and support. We had talked about our love of the Lord, of football, of Texas land for kids to run and play on. we talked of family and faith constantly.
And when he was gone, it was that same faith that got me through it.
But we were an old school couple. When we saw each other, we cared more about getting to talk in person instead of written words than anything physical. We held hands like it was the only thing keeping us alive. He kissed me with care and sensitivity, and that was it. We sat in each others presence just to make faces, to enjoy the live version of Skype. To see all the flecks in each others eyes, to simply be with each other.
I'm trying to find what starting over entails. So far, it seems to entail talking a lot about nothing. He and I knew everything about each other. Dating now feels like all fluff and no substance as I look around. There's so much pressure to get serious and no pressure to work on relationships. Everyone seems to be so ok with doing everything physical and nothing metaphysical.
I'm in a place where I don't know what I can sacrifice being important in another person. the truths that I hold most dear, are they something I can just "agree to disagree" about? Do I have to be in a relationship that is "for forever", or can I just date for the "right now"? Can I put aside the idea I have of what a relationship should be in order to make room for what a relationship can be? Will I just make the same mistake I did last year when I finally decided to venture out and move towards the ledge: say yes to someone simply because they're interested in me when most aren't, only to later realize that this was a bad match and it cannot work? Does it really not work, or did I cause the problems that made him the wrong man for me?
I am fairly simple about everything else in my life- ill be nice to anyone, I can befriend anyone, I try to love like Jesus did. But when it comes to these matters of the heart, I become the most complex woman I think I've ever known. Because I want someone who wants to cuddle, but only to a point. I want chivalry, but I want someone who knows I can do stuff. I want someone who pushes me and doesn't let me walk all over them, but I don't want someone who shushes me and my ideas. I want someone who is comfortable with himself and with me that he would say anything, but knows I'm a lady and he shouldn't be disrespectful of that. I want someone who knows I'm gonna be a doctor and want to work, but also knows he still has to ask for my dad's permission for my hand. It's a terrible juxtaposition of things, and the longer I live, the more I realize I'm a minefield and make it impossible.
But could I love a man who doesn't love the Lord? Could I love a man who thinks politics isn't important or that his ideology is the right way when it clearly doesn't match my own? My grandfather passed away last year and he was the one man I was always going to have my fiancé meet, to really be the judge of his character and give the final blessing; Could I love a man someday that he wouldn't have approved of?
In recent months/years, I've always warned the people who are going to try to get close to me that they shouldn't, that I'm bad for them, that I don't want anything, that I am difficult to deal with and that they should want something else. And they all always say the same thing: that they know what they're getting into, that there's no pressure, that they understand, that they are just looking to get to know me and spend some time with me. And like clockwork, we always reach a point where they want a commitment, something more, something serious.
And just like clockwork, I bolt. I make excuses, I start making myself a bad person to be around so they'll change their mind- anything to push them away. Anything to prove to them and myself that I'm all wrong for them. And inevitably, we both get our hearts broken, theirs because they always seem to care about me more than I realized, and Mine hurt by the loss of their friendship, of that person who always seemed up for a conversation.
And it's not their fault. During those conversations, I became the person they thought they wanted. But somewhere in there, I also forgot to be the person I wanted to be. I forget for a while that I have no desire to settle in a big city, that I want kids, that I will go to church every Sunday and high holy day until the day I die, that I never want to leave Texas. I forget that I love to be asleep by midnight because I love to be up to watch the sun rise. I forget things that seem small, but are large parts of what make me, me. And if I can forget those things forever, this would not be a post.
But I like to think it would also mean none of these men would try to date me. I hope that they try to date me because of those things that make me, me. But I would love to see more of them try to figure out what those things are.
Do I just love the conversation? Do I love the debate? Or do I actually think I can make it work until I realize I can't? Even worse, do I just decide I don't want to try, that we have reached an emotional glass ceiling I just cannot break, instead of that there was really something I can't fix?
I wish I knew. I really wish I did.
I push people, boys especially, away.
The minute I feel like things are getting too serious, that someone cares too much, that I care too much, I pull that rip cord and run.
I learned this younger than most. People who i cared the most about have this nasty habit of always disappearing on me, whether intentional or not. And thus, I've always been a bit of an emotional cripple. But one person convinced me it was ok. Until he wasn't here to convince me anymore, and in that wake, he left the worst scar of all.
I've been working to moving past that. I've been trying very hard to remember he would have wanted me to be happy, to live a full life, to "pass my hurricane ocean eyes" onto my kids. he would want me to find someone who could give me the life he wanted us to spend together.
With that comes several problems though. Because I feel like I have to find someone who was everything like him. At the same time, I feel like I never will, so I should try to find someone who is nothing like him, and make a completely different love.
He and I talked about everything. We had designed a life full of love and plans and goals and support. We had talked about our love of the Lord, of football, of Texas land for kids to run and play on. we talked of family and faith constantly.
And when he was gone, it was that same faith that got me through it.
But we were an old school couple. When we saw each other, we cared more about getting to talk in person instead of written words than anything physical. We held hands like it was the only thing keeping us alive. He kissed me with care and sensitivity, and that was it. We sat in each others presence just to make faces, to enjoy the live version of Skype. To see all the flecks in each others eyes, to simply be with each other.
I'm trying to find what starting over entails. So far, it seems to entail talking a lot about nothing. He and I knew everything about each other. Dating now feels like all fluff and no substance as I look around. There's so much pressure to get serious and no pressure to work on relationships. Everyone seems to be so ok with doing everything physical and nothing metaphysical.
I'm in a place where I don't know what I can sacrifice being important in another person. the truths that I hold most dear, are they something I can just "agree to disagree" about? Do I have to be in a relationship that is "for forever", or can I just date for the "right now"? Can I put aside the idea I have of what a relationship should be in order to make room for what a relationship can be? Will I just make the same mistake I did last year when I finally decided to venture out and move towards the ledge: say yes to someone simply because they're interested in me when most aren't, only to later realize that this was a bad match and it cannot work? Does it really not work, or did I cause the problems that made him the wrong man for me?
I am fairly simple about everything else in my life- ill be nice to anyone, I can befriend anyone, I try to love like Jesus did. But when it comes to these matters of the heart, I become the most complex woman I think I've ever known. Because I want someone who wants to cuddle, but only to a point. I want chivalry, but I want someone who knows I can do stuff. I want someone who pushes me and doesn't let me walk all over them, but I don't want someone who shushes me and my ideas. I want someone who is comfortable with himself and with me that he would say anything, but knows I'm a lady and he shouldn't be disrespectful of that. I want someone who knows I'm gonna be a doctor and want to work, but also knows he still has to ask for my dad's permission for my hand. It's a terrible juxtaposition of things, and the longer I live, the more I realize I'm a minefield and make it impossible.
But could I love a man who doesn't love the Lord? Could I love a man who thinks politics isn't important or that his ideology is the right way when it clearly doesn't match my own? My grandfather passed away last year and he was the one man I was always going to have my fiancé meet, to really be the judge of his character and give the final blessing; Could I love a man someday that he wouldn't have approved of?
In recent months/years, I've always warned the people who are going to try to get close to me that they shouldn't, that I'm bad for them, that I don't want anything, that I am difficult to deal with and that they should want something else. And they all always say the same thing: that they know what they're getting into, that there's no pressure, that they understand, that they are just looking to get to know me and spend some time with me. And like clockwork, we always reach a point where they want a commitment, something more, something serious.
And just like clockwork, I bolt. I make excuses, I start making myself a bad person to be around so they'll change their mind- anything to push them away. Anything to prove to them and myself that I'm all wrong for them. And inevitably, we both get our hearts broken, theirs because they always seem to care about me more than I realized, and Mine hurt by the loss of their friendship, of that person who always seemed up for a conversation.
And it's not their fault. During those conversations, I became the person they thought they wanted. But somewhere in there, I also forgot to be the person I wanted to be. I forget for a while that I have no desire to settle in a big city, that I want kids, that I will go to church every Sunday and high holy day until the day I die, that I never want to leave Texas. I forget that I love to be asleep by midnight because I love to be up to watch the sun rise. I forget things that seem small, but are large parts of what make me, me. And if I can forget those things forever, this would not be a post.
But I like to think it would also mean none of these men would try to date me. I hope that they try to date me because of those things that make me, me. But I would love to see more of them try to figure out what those things are.
Do I just love the conversation? Do I love the debate? Or do I actually think I can make it work until I realize I can't? Even worse, do I just decide I don't want to try, that we have reached an emotional glass ceiling I just cannot break, instead of that there was really something I can't fix?
I wish I knew. I really wish I did.