(badcompany_muse) "Because you can't jump the tracks, We're like cars on a cable. . .
And life's like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, boy."
Execute
(OOC: Set after
this pit of bad, then this, and during this. Warning: Character death in these posts.)
Alec drove for over and hour before he even let the Impala drop down to the legal speed limit. It was another half an hour before he eased up and let himself stop. The bar was not quite a complete dive, the glasses were actually clean, but it wasn't really what anyone in their right mind would call decent either. Alec was pretty sure he wasn't in his right mind, so that worked out.
Alec wanted one of three things. The first no one could give him so he was seeking out the other two. Violence or numbness. Maybe he wanted an outlet for the seething rage that boiled through him. Maybe he just wanted to make someone else hurt as much as he did. He didn't think that was possible either so he went for numb.
The reality was that he didn't have the ability right now to even sort through the emotions. He felt betrayed. And maybe that wasn't fair but there was no room in the hurt for fair right now. People he trusted stood by and just let the unthinkable happen. Or brought it on themselves. His father was dead.
Alec was the killer, the monster, the kuku in the nest. The one that didn't belong. He was the one that had, most likely at the age of twenty ruined more families by doing as he was told that Dean had in his entire lifetime by doing the right thing. So why was Alec the only one that thought about not killing that bitch until it didn't mean loosing anyone he loved. Until it meant not tearing apart his family. Why was he the only one not focused on killing her. Why was he the only one with patients enough to wait. The beauty of an enemy with a personal grudge is that they always gave you another chance to kill them.
And now he was alone. Again. He never learned. For all the intelligence crammed into his head and genes he never learned. He reached out, constantly forgetting that he was the monster and everyone he touched was hurt.
He wasn't going back. Not now when he wanted to hurt them all for letting Dean die like it was a good idea. For holding Alec back while his brother drove the knife home. For not letting her take him instead. He was supposed to protect them, but he'd just. . . let it happen. His father had died right in front of him.
Not going back ever, because even if his anger faded, the rest of it wouldn't. The memory of the light going out and the scent of blood and family. The fact that he didn't belong and that Dean loved Ben enough to die for him, but didn't love Alec enough to try and live. The feeling of being the second choice and second best burned. Because he didn't hate Ben. He figured he should be used to getting the fall out by now. He'd known he was second string to Ben his whole life. It didn't even matter which Ben.
Maybe he didn't understand. Maybe he couldn't understand. Because he wasn't like them. He wasn't like Dean and Ben. He never would be. He was made different. Born different. It didn't matter how much care Dean showed him, that fact wouldn't change. In the end Ben was Dean's son and Alec was a disaster waiting to happen.
Those Alec loved were hurt or died. He wasn't built for it. He'd been twisted around to much to know how to make those connections properly. That had been made abondantly clear to him at this point.
He had the fingers of one hand wrapped around his second bottle of Johnny Walker, and could still feel everything. His head hurt like a round of re-indoctrination and it was both the light show and tears that were stuck somewhere between the back of his throat and his eyes.
The light show was getting worse with time not better. Everything new he noticed just made it stronger. He watched his father die, watched that light go out. Now he saw it in everyone. Saw how it was different for everyone. There was no where to look anymore than didn't hurt. Both because his mind couldn't process and because it reminded him that he's lost Dean. That he hadn't fought hard enough or fast enough to stop it from happening.
Jinx pressed warm against his leg as he pressed his face into his arm. He'd have to send Jinx away. Meg used the puppy as a target and weapon against him. Someday someone would really hurt the dog. Especially since Jinx tried so hard to protect him. The thought of sending the dog away hurt like a knife to the gut. To loose that love and warmth, but he desperately didn't want the dog hurt. Sam seemed to care for Jinx. He could send the dog to Sam, Hell to be honest the dog was really Sam's anyway.
He needed to be a lot drunker before he could send Jinx away without being sick from the feeling of loneliness and defenselessness. The puppy was part of his family and was what had made him feel safe enough to ever leave the safety of his home and Dean's watchful eye. Jinx was a good defense all on his own, but he also meant that Sam had been looking out for him. Maybe it was time someone looked out for Sam. Jinx needed to go back to his real master. Just as soon as Alec got a little more liquid courage down.
After that? Alec was going to go do what he was built to do. Away from everyone he gave a shit about. And then when the bullshit going on in his head finally drove him over the edge like his darling twin he'd just eat a large caliber bullet and have done with this whole miserable mess.
A last act of love to not ask them to clean up his mess.
Muse: Alec McDowell/X5-494
'Verse: Wayward AU
Fandom: Dark Angel
Word count: 1,013
Execute
(OOC: Set after
this pit of bad, then this, and during this. Warning: Character death in these posts.)
Alec drove for over and hour before he even let the Impala drop down to the legal speed limit. It was another half an hour before he eased up and let himself stop. The bar was not quite a complete dive, the glasses were actually clean, but it wasn't really what anyone in their right mind would call decent either. Alec was pretty sure he wasn't in his right mind, so that worked out.
Alec wanted one of three things. The first no one could give him so he was seeking out the other two. Violence or numbness. Maybe he wanted an outlet for the seething rage that boiled through him. Maybe he just wanted to make someone else hurt as much as he did. He didn't think that was possible either so he went for numb.
The reality was that he didn't have the ability right now to even sort through the emotions. He felt betrayed. And maybe that wasn't fair but there was no room in the hurt for fair right now. People he trusted stood by and just let the unthinkable happen. Or brought it on themselves. His father was dead.
Alec was the killer, the monster, the kuku in the nest. The one that didn't belong. He was the one that had, most likely at the age of twenty ruined more families by doing as he was told that Dean had in his entire lifetime by doing the right thing. So why was Alec the only one that thought about not killing that bitch until it didn't mean loosing anyone he loved. Until it meant not tearing apart his family. Why was he the only one not focused on killing her. Why was he the only one with patients enough to wait. The beauty of an enemy with a personal grudge is that they always gave you another chance to kill them.
And now he was alone. Again. He never learned. For all the intelligence crammed into his head and genes he never learned. He reached out, constantly forgetting that he was the monster and everyone he touched was hurt.
He wasn't going back. Not now when he wanted to hurt them all for letting Dean die like it was a good idea. For holding Alec back while his brother drove the knife home. For not letting her take him instead. He was supposed to protect them, but he'd just. . . let it happen. His father had died right in front of him.
Not going back ever, because even if his anger faded, the rest of it wouldn't. The memory of the light going out and the scent of blood and family. The fact that he didn't belong and that Dean loved Ben enough to die for him, but didn't love Alec enough to try and live. The feeling of being the second choice and second best burned. Because he didn't hate Ben. He figured he should be used to getting the fall out by now. He'd known he was second string to Ben his whole life. It didn't even matter which Ben.
Maybe he didn't understand. Maybe he couldn't understand. Because he wasn't like them. He wasn't like Dean and Ben. He never would be. He was made different. Born different. It didn't matter how much care Dean showed him, that fact wouldn't change. In the end Ben was Dean's son and Alec was a disaster waiting to happen.
Those Alec loved were hurt or died. He wasn't built for it. He'd been twisted around to much to know how to make those connections properly. That had been made abondantly clear to him at this point.
He had the fingers of one hand wrapped around his second bottle of Johnny Walker, and could still feel everything. His head hurt like a round of re-indoctrination and it was both the light show and tears that were stuck somewhere between the back of his throat and his eyes.
The light show was getting worse with time not better. Everything new he noticed just made it stronger. He watched his father die, watched that light go out. Now he saw it in everyone. Saw how it was different for everyone. There was no where to look anymore than didn't hurt. Both because his mind couldn't process and because it reminded him that he's lost Dean. That he hadn't fought hard enough or fast enough to stop it from happening.
Jinx pressed warm against his leg as he pressed his face into his arm. He'd have to send Jinx away. Meg used the puppy as a target and weapon against him. Someday someone would really hurt the dog. Especially since Jinx tried so hard to protect him. The thought of sending the dog away hurt like a knife to the gut. To loose that love and warmth, but he desperately didn't want the dog hurt. Sam seemed to care for Jinx. He could send the dog to Sam, Hell to be honest the dog was really Sam's anyway.
He needed to be a lot drunker before he could send Jinx away without being sick from the feeling of loneliness and defenselessness. The puppy was part of his family and was what had made him feel safe enough to ever leave the safety of his home and Dean's watchful eye. Jinx was a good defense all on his own, but he also meant that Sam had been looking out for him. Maybe it was time someone looked out for Sam. Jinx needed to go back to his real master. Just as soon as Alec got a little more liquid courage down.
After that? Alec was going to go do what he was built to do. Away from everyone he gave a shit about. And then when the bullshit going on in his head finally drove him over the edge like his darling twin he'd just eat a large caliber bullet and have done with this whole miserable mess.
A last act of love to not ask them to clean up his mess.
Muse: Alec McDowell/X5-494
'Verse: Wayward AU
Fandom: Dark Angel
Word count: 1,013