to much to much to much
So after all the fighting and shit that has been going on and with school i havent been able to post much... well i got a call new years eve at like 11 guess who my dad... HMM nice surprise u know. well turns out hes "changed" and wants to be fatherly and its sorta ODD. Im so not used to this whole father being a father to me i neve had the DAD in my life it was everyone but him and now he back. its like idk hard is the main thing. I know that this is like a major issue and a major source of my malfunction. He wants me to fly out to PA to see him and stuff and its like idk.
I mean would u go see ur bio dad after almost 2 straight years OF NO CONTACT its like that was time to change and sure he could have. its like idk i think i will fly out there to see him and im more scared of what hed think of me. i mean im not as "straight" as i used to be and stuff. But with the more lacks life style he leads i think it might almost be a selfdestructive enviroment because idk he just doesnt have as many rules and restrictions and shit. Its like drink smoke fuck do what ever u want. To me thats open call for dissaster.
this is just something that is really REALLY stressful to me and idk i almost wish it hadnt come RIGHT NOW. its like midterms, SAT's, AG job, and THE MUSICAL im just so fucking stressed PLUS ART CLUB which i forgot and like idk its just adding MORE stress to me. Just after seeing him for the first time in 2 year i almost want to cry and throw up from being nervous and cry cause its sorta emotional and stuff. Everyone can say well i live in a divorce family and shit and yaddda yadda yadda but i have a TRULY FUCKED UP FAMILY. im not saying i have it the worst in the world cause i dont and i know that its just that i have it hard at times to. Like i know i have people out there to talk to and stuff but its coming to terms with the whole thing that makes it hard in the first place.
When he told me he was leaving for some lady, his third cheat on his second wife i was like SHIT this is his pattern. I understood that i might never have a mother under him so u know i understood and excepted that. Well he left and for a few months it WORK like truly worked and he held his end of the deal. Then day weeks and months NOTHING from him and that HURT ALOT. Then the grams dies and leaves us to deal with him and NO WILL. and its like a year and then i see him for the first time and he expects for me to give him open arms and truley i couldnt. I wasnt alone tho and it seemed he understood that and found that if we gave it time then soon id be alone again and slowly foget him and he could SHOW BACK UP like now. its like ARG when he knows NOONE of my cousins is around to help me and my uncles and aunts i hardly see after the holidays its like he found the perfect stratigie to try and win me over again. DAMN MY GRANDFATHER FOR TEACHING THEM MILITARY TAC. DAMN HIM TO HELL.
i just dont understand how im sapose to deal with this shit on top of dealing with my own internal issues studying for SAT's getting ready for college and EVERYTHING ELES. its like i know im a drama whore but this is getting nutts even for me and thats saying something. i mean there have been times when everything is dull and alright and stuff and seems close to a normal life and then WHAM something comes.
so yea i just dont know anymore and shit.
Now subject 2! ben and what i need to try to understand with him. Hes like me sept a freshman me and i know what that was like. i mean he deals with so many of the same issues i delt with and its like everytime i give him my hand to help him threw his darkness he just sorta makes a joke outta it and then PISSES me off and i just sorta shut off more lights for him and make some shit harder. its like FUCK WITH ME AND ILL FUCK UR LIFE UP. i dont always do it on purpus but its happened once or twice and shit its mainly cause my friends have got my back. its like if i didnt have my friends and know who i was i would alsmot be in the same situation as ben to the T. its like over the summer i found me and i reliezed who i want as my friends and who truly is my FRIEND. its like i know i can trust these people and can have my jokes and laugh at them too. i love my friends more then life itself and i just dont know where id be without them. but like BEN so needs to get a life and find who he is and i think he has a long sophmore summer to find that.
Now happy notes
Lisence WOOT i think i will pass this time and be able to drive and do all my own shit and be me ill be able to see becca outside of school and same with kiki and gabbo and everything YAY and give rides and its gonna be GOOD. O SO GOOD.
Musical is gonne be GREAT i think were gonna kick ass and take names and i think everyone is well suted to the part even within thier own personalitly outside of the play itself
so i think im officialy DONE with this post. GO be mean and RIP it apart cause i know thats all u do
O wait ONE MORE THING who ever i have offended in the past IM SORRY i know i have been a cock fucker and evrything and im sorry that is something i must say and i hope those of u who read the LJ this far and hate me understand that i do feel sorrow and regret for everything ive done and i will do my best to change as best i can.
~spenser~
I mean would u go see ur bio dad after almost 2 straight years OF NO CONTACT its like that was time to change and sure he could have. its like idk i think i will fly out there to see him and im more scared of what hed think of me. i mean im not as "straight" as i used to be and stuff. But with the more lacks life style he leads i think it might almost be a selfdestructive enviroment because idk he just doesnt have as many rules and restrictions and shit. Its like drink smoke fuck do what ever u want. To me thats open call for dissaster.
this is just something that is really REALLY stressful to me and idk i almost wish it hadnt come RIGHT NOW. its like midterms, SAT's, AG job, and THE MUSICAL im just so fucking stressed PLUS ART CLUB which i forgot and like idk its just adding MORE stress to me. Just after seeing him for the first time in 2 year i almost want to cry and throw up from being nervous and cry cause its sorta emotional and stuff. Everyone can say well i live in a divorce family and shit and yaddda yadda yadda but i have a TRULY FUCKED UP FAMILY. im not saying i have it the worst in the world cause i dont and i know that its just that i have it hard at times to. Like i know i have people out there to talk to and stuff but its coming to terms with the whole thing that makes it hard in the first place.
When he told me he was leaving for some lady, his third cheat on his second wife i was like SHIT this is his pattern. I understood that i might never have a mother under him so u know i understood and excepted that. Well he left and for a few months it WORK like truly worked and he held his end of the deal. Then day weeks and months NOTHING from him and that HURT ALOT. Then the grams dies and leaves us to deal with him and NO WILL. and its like a year and then i see him for the first time and he expects for me to give him open arms and truley i couldnt. I wasnt alone tho and it seemed he understood that and found that if we gave it time then soon id be alone again and slowly foget him and he could SHOW BACK UP like now. its like ARG when he knows NOONE of my cousins is around to help me and my uncles and aunts i hardly see after the holidays its like he found the perfect stratigie to try and win me over again. DAMN MY GRANDFATHER FOR TEACHING THEM MILITARY TAC. DAMN HIM TO HELL.
i just dont understand how im sapose to deal with this shit on top of dealing with my own internal issues studying for SAT's getting ready for college and EVERYTHING ELES. its like i know im a drama whore but this is getting nutts even for me and thats saying something. i mean there have been times when everything is dull and alright and stuff and seems close to a normal life and then WHAM something comes.
so yea i just dont know anymore and shit.
Now subject 2! ben and what i need to try to understand with him. Hes like me sept a freshman me and i know what that was like. i mean he deals with so many of the same issues i delt with and its like everytime i give him my hand to help him threw his darkness he just sorta makes a joke outta it and then PISSES me off and i just sorta shut off more lights for him and make some shit harder. its like FUCK WITH ME AND ILL FUCK UR LIFE UP. i dont always do it on purpus but its happened once or twice and shit its mainly cause my friends have got my back. its like if i didnt have my friends and know who i was i would alsmot be in the same situation as ben to the T. its like over the summer i found me and i reliezed who i want as my friends and who truly is my FRIEND. its like i know i can trust these people and can have my jokes and laugh at them too. i love my friends more then life itself and i just dont know where id be without them. but like BEN so needs to get a life and find who he is and i think he has a long sophmore summer to find that.
Now happy notes
Lisence WOOT i think i will pass this time and be able to drive and do all my own shit and be me ill be able to see becca outside of school and same with kiki and gabbo and everything YAY and give rides and its gonna be GOOD. O SO GOOD.
Musical is gonne be GREAT i think were gonna kick ass and take names and i think everyone is well suted to the part even within thier own personalitly outside of the play itself
so i think im officialy DONE with this post. GO be mean and RIP it apart cause i know thats all u do
O wait ONE MORE THING who ever i have offended in the past IM SORRY i know i have been a cock fucker and evrything and im sorry that is something i must say and i hope those of u who read the LJ this far and hate me understand that i do feel sorrow and regret for everything ive done and i will do my best to change as best i can.
~spenser~