I FUCKING HATE CHURCH

[smallhawl75]

Last night i went to josh cabers instead of being a super cool kid and getting wasted at steve-0s. Leah, meredith, caroyln, jessica, andrew, james, me, and ric went there at like 9:30 and no one was home we just walked in the front door and were like uhhh...so we were gonna wait out back for him to come home bc we figured he was making a beer run or something, he got back like right when we were walking from the front yard to the back. And unfortunatly he was not making a beer run. Regardless i couldn't of drank ne ways, i had to drive. So me and josh played Dance Dance revolution and he kicked my ass, but that's alright bc im not that good, and he should beat me he owns the game. We just kinda hung out there till 12 and then had to go bc im 16 and that fucking curfew bullshit...blehhhhh. I was gonna sneak out and get some espresso from java hut but i was too tired. Sigh. i didn't really want to go to steve-0's bc honestly i don't think i would've had fun. No matter how wasted i got i would still be really hurt. I still can't believe she is like that just stops talking to her best freind a week before she's moving. That's so like back stabbing. But you know what fordirelifesake says. "you can't have the last laugh if i slit your throat with the knife you left in my back." sliting throats is a little violent but it's a metaphor. Then again i don't really give a fuck who has the last laugh. It is really no laughing matter. I'm just shocked she's that shitty of a person. Its like wow. I can't get over it i just wanna grab her and be like what the fuck is wrong with you??????? Now, i don't think i should hold a grudge, and it's not in my nature. But i have to admit things are never gonna be the same, Like woah, dude, she did a really shitty thing. Shows how much she actually cared about me. Which was not very much at all. God, it consumes my thoughts bc i still feel so jewed. Its like we had a relationship lol. But ewwww not. I just feel the same way i would feel if someone i had dated for a year just stopped talking to me bc they were sick of me or something? Dude, does she not know that i have feelings? I wanna hate her so bad, but i can't.

Enough about that, i refuse to let it depress me any longer. So on a different depressing subject, school starts in 2 days. I hate school. And everyones livejournal that i read is just like i need to be on medication bc school is starting. I think that would be nice. Then i wouldn't be depressed all the time. I mean if my dad would ever put me on Anti - depressants idk i think it would be the best thing for me. Along with putting my sister on ADD medicine, which he will never do either. I think its kind of a smart thing, he knows how little is known about drugs like that and how addicting they can be. but if it makes you a better person who the hell cares if its addicting. Why would you not wanna be addicted to something that makes you better. I think i may need a few prescription drugs in that case A few hundred. its going to take a lot to make me a better person. And wow my self esteem just went from bad to worse.

must think happy positive thoughts about self, and situations involving self, inorder to become a better person.