Science of Fear, The Beginning in the End, Part One of Three
Title: Science of Fear, Paradigm Shift (14/15)
Pairing: Brittany/Santana, Brittany/OC
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Glee or song related, just Dylan.
Spoilers: Through s02e11
Summary: Fear. It forces you to do things you regret. And that's just what happens to Santana, causing her to run away from the one person she loves the most. Can one stranger help her defeat those fears or will she just lose Brittany to her for good?
A/N: This is the longest chapter and was one of the most difficult to write so I hope I did it justice. Basically everything I've written has just been building up to this chapter. The song Santana hears on the radio may seem a little strange and I had a hard time deciding how she would hear the it. If you don't know who the artist is yet it's because she just released her album in the US and I doubt it's on the radio. Hopefully it will be and I took liberty to say that in a few months it might be. So yes, just keep that in mind. I borrowed the title of this chapter from the season 5 finale of Bones because it really does sum everything up.
For those who have made it this far, I did promise it would pay off. So thank you for sticking with it. There is one more, short chapter after this as an epilogue.
This was definitely not what she had been expecting. Santana had spent all week watching Brittany from a distance as she conspired in corners with Dylan while giving her what could only be described as seductive glares. But here she was in Glee club, the Friday after Brittany’s motocross tournament, watching Brittany walk up to Mr. Schuester and announce she has a song to sing.
Santana watched wide-eyed and confused as Dylan walked over to where Brittany stood talking to Mr. Schuester. The shorter girl placed a hand on Brittany’s shoulder and gave her a sideways hug before leaning up and whispering something into her ear. Brittany’s eyes beamed and she nodded heavily before taking a deep breath and rolling her shoulders. Mr. Schue smiled at her and patted her back before walking forwards a few feet and addressing the Glee club.
“Okay, guys, lets settle down,” he said and motioned for Dylan to take a seat. Santana shifted nervously as Brittany made her way to stand next to Mr. Schuester.
“All right, well, Brittany,” he reached over and wrapped and arm around the blonde, “has a song she would like to sing, so let’s give it up! Take it away, Britt!”
Mr. Schuester moved to sit in a chair off to the side and Brittany shifted forward, head held down. Santana watched as she played with her hands and dug at the linoleum with her foot. She looked up and glanced at Dylan. Santana turned to face the other girl and watched as she gave a firm nod to the blonde.
“Santana,” Brittany let out breathily.
Santana snapped her head towards the front of the room and her eyes went wide. She felt her heart stop as she met Brittany’s crystal blue eyes.
“I know…” she paused and took a deep breath, “I know things have been… different between us.”
Santana held her breath and felt her hands start to sweat. She looked around nervously and saw eyes trained on her, warm and expectant.
“But you’re my best friend, San. You’re such an important part of my life, and…” she explained, playing with her hands nervously. “I have something I need to tell you. So this song… it’s for you.”
She felt a whimper leave her throat as the pressure in her lungs became too unbearable. She bit her lip, hoping no one heard her, though as she looked around she knew her wish hadn’t been granted. She turned to face Brittany again and saw the shy smirk that tugged at the corner of her mouth. She felt herself sink under the weight of her brilliant blue eyes. They seemed to be radiating and it made Santana nervous.
Brittany closed her eyes and rolled her head back before taking a deep breath and lowering her eyes to look directly at Santana again.
“Another day has gone, I'm still all alone. How could this be, you're not here with me?” her voice was quiet as she started, pleading almost. “You never said goodbye, someone tell me why. Did you have to go? And leave my world so cold?”
She knew exactly what Brittany was referencing. She had walked out so suddenly on her, without any explanation. She didn’t say goodbye and left her to wander by herself, confused and hurting. She felt a strain on her heart knowing Brittany had left alone and empty, now understanding the consequences of her actions.
“Everyday I sit and ask myself, how did love slip away? Something whispers in my ear and says, that you are not alone,” She took a step forward, her voice growing stronger, “I am here with you. Though you're far away, I am here to stay.”
“But you are not alone, I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart, but you are not alone,” Santana dropped her head. She couldn’t bear to look into Brittany’s eyes. Her mind was racing, attempting to decipher what the blonde was trying to tell her.
“Just the other night, I thought I heard you cry, asking me to come and hold you in my arms,” She looked up at Brittany again. There was no way she actually knew that. She had been alone in her room; she hadn’t spoken to anyone all week. How did she know that’s exactly what she had done every night for the last two weeks?
“I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear. But first I need your hand then forever can begin,” she looked down at her empty palm as she sang, turning it over to look at the back before glancing up into Santana’s eyes again.
Santana felt her heart begin to race. There was no way Brittany was actually telling her what she thought she was. She looked around her again and shrunk back in her chair. Every eye in the room was fixed on her, wanting to know her response.
Brittany took a step forward again. Her voice was stronger, more vibrant and daring as she sang out the first verse again. Santana saw her eyes flash towards Dylan again and she felt her heart sink. But then she heard the other girl’s voice start up quietly and she slowly turned her head to see Dylan rise to her feet. Dylan stepped forward, singing with Brittany until she was next to her and then slowly turning to lock eyes with Santana.
Dylan sang the chorus with Brittany, as Santana sat with her mouth agape. Then Brittany stepped forward again. This time she didn’t stop until she was kneeling in front of Santana.
“Whisper three words and I'll come runnin',” she reached out and grasped one of Santana’s hands and she stiffened. Brittany rose to her feet and gazed down at her, “and girl you know that I'll be there… I'll be there!”
Santana pulled her hand back. She instantly regretted it, knowing she had done it more forcefully than she expected. She stared up at Brittany, mouth hanging open. That line, it was as though Brittany was daring her; daring her to say the three words she knew she couldn’t.
She saw a flash of hurt in the blonde’s eyes after she pulled her hand back. She watched as Brittany clenched her jaw briefly and then looked up and around the stands behind her. The sound of chairs scraping against the floor filled the room as Brittany walked back to the center of the choir room before whipping around. She started singing again, but this time, twelve other voices joined in.
“You are not alone, I am here with you. Though you're far away, I am here to stay… you are not alone.” She had never seen Brittany sing with such passion before. Sorrow poured out of her mouth it released the words, begging Santana to understand.
The rest of the Glee club made their way to the front of the room and took up the spot behind Brittany, Dylan standing forward slightly and to her left, “I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart…”
They were all singing to her now, as though each one of them was daring her to step forward and Santana felt intimidated, “you are not alone.”
But she was alone. Brittany had chosen Artie, she had chosen Dylan. There was no way Brittany could love her.
“I am here with you.”
No, she wasn’t with her. Brittany had left her just as much as Santana had.
“Though you're far away…. I am here to stay.”
Santana felt her heart break a little more and she felt her hand twitch as though to reach up and grab it. Her brain was struggling to process the information and humiliation it was receiving.
Brittany took one more step forward and whispered out the last line of the song, staring directly at Santana, “you are not alone… I am here with you, you are not alone.”
The music ended and the rest of New Directions stood silently behind Brittany and Dylan, watching, waiting. Santana glanced over to Mr. Schuester and cringed when she realized he was also watching her.
“Santana…” Brittany’s voice was husky in its post song haze and she was slightly out of breath.
She turned and looked up at the blonde with tired eyes. Her skin was tingling and she felt everyone’s gaze on her.
“San,” she said it in a sweeter tone, begging her to listen, “you’re my best friend. But these last six months have been the most painful in my life.”
Santana felt herself tense.
“Having to spend every day sitting next to you, watching you, singing with you… to you,” Brittany explained. “It hurt, San, it hurt so much. Because I knew I couldn’t just reach out and hold your hand.”
Santana furrowed her eyebrows and sat up a little higher in her seat. She saw Dylan staring at her, a sad smile playing at the edge of her lips.
“All I ever wanted was just to be with you, to be us. To be Brittany and Santana,” Brittany admitted glancing down at her empty palm again, “Because the truth is…” she raised her head and stared directly into Santana’s eyes, “I love you, San. I love you and I always have. I don’t know how or when, or why but I do, and I can’t remember a moment that I didn’t love you.”
Santana felt a brick land in the pit of her stomach and she felt her head begin to swim. She blinked and shook her head, realizing she hadn’t comprehended what the blonde had said. Her hands slid off her lap and gripped clammily at the maroon plastic of the chair she was sitting on. She shook her head rapidly back and forth feeling a lump form in the back of her throat.
“San?” Brittany’s voice was distant, as though she was miles away and Santana looked up.
She could barely make out her form in front of her, her eyes blurred by unshed tears and her head spinning. She let out a gasp and leaned forward, placing her head in her hands.
“Santana, listen to her!” the voice didn’t belong to Brittany but Santana couldn’t make out who had said it. But it felt like a punch to the stomach and breathing suddenly became extremely difficult.
She felt herself begin to pant heavily in an effort to get as much oxygen into her lungs as possible, but they wouldn’t open. She gasped out in pain and she felt someone run to her side.
“Oh my god, San!” it was Brittany, or at least she thought so, “It’s okay, I’m here. Dylan, what’s wrong? What’s happening?”
“Shit, Britt…” Dylan came up beside her, “Santana?”
The heavy pants grew into violent heaving as she struggled to suck air in. She looked up and saw Dylan, who was standing before her and Brittany, who was kneeling in front of her and watched as she reached out.
As Brittany’s fingers ghosted against hers, she felt a splitting pain rush up her arm and she was suddenly standing bolt upright, knocking her chair over in the process and stumbling backwards.
Brittany’s voice was pleading as she heard her name echo in her head, but she shook it and looked up, everyone in the choir room was falling in on her. The pressure was building and she heard someone else call out. That tipped her over the edge and she ran. She ran as fast as her feet would take her, head spinning, away from what she could never allow herself to have.
She got halfway down the hallway before she had to stop to prevent herself from collapsing. She leaned a hand against the cool wall and heaved, the buzzing in her head blocking out the sound of the girl as she approached.
Dylan grabbed her arm and swung her around violently, a harsh glare in her eye, “What the fuck! Santana, are you blind?”
“I… I… don’t…” she chocked on her words trying to make sense in her head, “I can’t…” she gasped for air.
“Why? Why are you doing this?” Dylan pleaded with her.
All Santana could do was shake her head, should couldn’t speak. She extracted herself from Dylan and stumbled backwards before turning and running the rest of the way out of the building to the parking lot.
She knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to drive, but she needed to get away. Her head was spinning violently and all she wanted to do was calm down and breathe. The keys fumbled in her hand as she fought to get them in the ignition and the roar of the engine split through her head when she finally managed to turn the key.
She was out of the parking lot and speeding down the street by the time she realized she was crying. Tears poured freely down her cheeks as she sobbed. She fought to gain control, begging herself to come to, not even remembering how she had gotten to where she was. When she realized she could barely see the road, she forced herself to pull over, hands trembling against the steering wheel.
She put the car in park and allowed the tears to run freely as she gasped for hair, head resting against the wheel in front of her. It was pointless trying to fight her body now, there was nothing she could do but wait for it to pass.
It felt like hours before she was able to open her eyes and successfully take a shallow but deep breath. She blinked; the haze in her head starting to clear out and she attempted to remember what had just happened.
Santana shivered and reached up to wipe her cheeks, running her index fingers under her eyes to clear away the mascara that had bled there. She rolled her head back against the seat and stared at the roof of her car. The radio was on and she hadn’t even realized, but now the faint sound of music floated through the vehicle.
“Fuck,” she breathed out, scrunching her eyes shut and forcing herself to remember. Images of a certain blonde floated through her head. They were in the choir room. She rolled her head forward and sucked in a breath. She remembered singing, Brittany had sung to her. She remembered the entire Glee club singing to her and she felt small as she sank deeper into her seat.
And then her eyes widened in surprise. Brittany’s song… she had sung to her. She had sung her a love song.
“No,” she thought, shaking her head, “No, she couldn’t have. She can’t love me.” She remembered the pressure she felt in the choir room. Had Brittany actually admitted her love? Santana struggled to remember. But she shook her head. Even if Brittany had told her she was in love with her, there was no way they could be together.
A flash of copper whipped through her mind and she remembered Dylan. What had she said to her in the hallway? She couldn’t remember, but she remembered the fierce look of disappointment on her face.
Santana dropped her head against the steering wheel and she felt herself begin to shake again. Brittany had told her she loved her. She had risked everything and stood in front of all their teammates and admitted her love. Santana felt tears begin to form again. Despite everything she had put Brittany through, all her torture and teasing, Brittany still loved her. And she had run out on her, again. She felt her heart begin to break at the thought of what she had done.
“Oh god,” she choked out, “Brittany… I’m sorry!” she called out to her empty car and the deserted road she was on. The sun had started to set and she felt herself growing weaker. She couldn’t go back to Brittany now, not after what she had done. She had let Brittany slip right through her fingers, and lost her for good.
She felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks again. The song on the radio ended and a new one began. It was quiet but something made Santana turn her head slowly towards the speakers as her forehead rested against the steering wheel. She felt cold, and a chill ran down her spine as the voice drifted through the car.
“Breathe air you're not used to, tread floors you don't fall through, make waves... you crash a symbol hard, follow no one, always play the wrong card…”
She had never heard the song before, it was an artist she didn’t recognize but she was drawn to it and the words washed over her, hitting home.
“Waste days, in foreign places, shed light on your better side. Reassure me that you'll wait for me, wait for me as long as it takes! And I'll hold my breath, I'll hold my breath.”
Santana sat up straight and furrowed her eyebrows as she turned her head to face the radio. She considered the lyrics. She had spent so many days wondering around in the dark, pretending to not be in love with her best friend. She never let her true self show, except to Brittany. The blonde was her life, her light, and she always brought out the best in her. Santana hadn’t been ready to let anyone know about her feeling, especially the blonde. It was as though she was constantly holding her breath, waiting for it all to fall apart.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees…”
Santana sucked in a breath, Brittany had been appearing in her dreams more and more ever since that first dream before Regionals.
“We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us. You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break.”
Brittany. She was the one thing in Santana’s life that she could count on. She would do anything for the blonde, without a moment’s hesitation… so why couldn’t she allow herself to let go?
“Those fears we'll blow them all away… blow them all away.”
She let out a moan, it was as though Brittany was singing her this song, providing her with answers. She felt a tear roll down her cheek again, eyes burning.
“Fight fires in your best clothes, touch skin with your eyes closed,” Santana shivered at the thought, “Chase thunder... with the volume down. Pack a suitcase, wander to the next town… force quit, on your losing streak, solve a riddle in a magazine, be tongue in cheek…”
She was losing. She was losing everything. She was losing her best friend, her love, and her life, running from it all.
“Tell me that we're still too young, that we're still too young and I'll hold my tongue…”
It was Brittany singing to her, Santana was convinced. She remembered a time when she told Brittany that they were too young to know what love was. But here Brittany was telling her it’s okay, that she would wait for her.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees. We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us…”
The tears were falling freely now. She could hear Brittany telling her they would be together, until the end. Until there was nothing left.
“Brittany!” she heard herself call out. “Britt, I’m afraid!”
“You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break. Those fears we'll blow them all away… we'll blow them all away…”
Brittany answered her and she felt herself fall forward against the steering wheel. Together, they could do this together. Brittany had risked everything for her, why couldn’t she do the same?
“I'm here, I'm here to take you. I'll swim, I will swim to save you… No fall, I'm here to catch you, I'll swim, I will swim to save you…”
“Fuck… Britt. I’m sorry! I know! I hear you!” she called to the radio. She put the car in drive and pulled back out onto the road. Brittany was speaking to her through the song and she felt a warmth rush through her chest.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees…”
She thought of their tree and the days spent lying underneath it. The memories they had and the memories they could make. Together.
“We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us…”
“Forever, Britt. Together forever, just like we promised,” Santana called out. They had vowed to always be in each other’s lives when they were young and she didn’t intend on breaking that promise.
“You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break…”
“For you, Britt… Always!”
“Those fears we'll blow them all away… we'll blow them all away…”
She was speeding down the streets as the song drew to a close and she felt her heart begin to burn. She could do this. As long as she was with Brittany, things would be okay. She shouldn’t be afraid anymore, not when Brittany was there to keep her safe.
Before she knew it she was pulling into Brittany’s driveway. When she saw a second car already parked there she paused for a second and felt her newly found adrenaline begin to drain from her body. It wasn’t Brittany’s family car, it was a black SUV. Santana glanced at the clock and realized it had gotten far later than she would have expected. She must have been out of it for a while to not notice how much time had passed.
She felt the familiar panic begin to pull at her heart string again but she swallowed her fear and opened her car door. The last line of the song floated through her mind. She exhaled deeply, pushing away any insecurities and stepped forward. Her feet felt like lead and she couldn’t help but compare them to how they felt in her dream.
The red door was cracked open when she got to the porch and Santana paused for a second time, placing her hand against the cool wood. The house was eerily quiet and she glanced back at the black car in the driveway. There had to be somebody here. She took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Even after a single step across the threshold, Santana already felt at home. There was a warmth to this house and a small smile tugged against her lips. But she frowned as she looked around the house. It was dark in the early evening, no lights were on and everything was cold. She stood in the entrance way, absorbing her surroundings.
There was a thump against the ceiling and Santana’s gaze bolted upwards. There was someone here after all. Her feet started moving again, this time more cautious. Her sneakered feet fell heavily against the carpeted stairs as she climbed them slowly. She heard another thump, followed by shuffling and rapid conversation. It was quiet and muffled, but not angry.
She reached the top of the stairs and turned down the hall. There was a dim light flowing from Brittany’s bedroom and she saw shadows flashing against the wall across from the open door way.
“Dylan, help me get this on,” she heard as she approached the door way. It was Kurt’s voice and she frowned.
“Shit, Britt, here,” she heard Dylan say, “come on, B, you can’t stay like that.” Dylan’s voice was soothing and worried. It tugged at Santana’s heart and she stopped her movement, just outside and around from the bedroom door.
She rested against the wall, losing strength as she heard an indisputable sob come from Brittany and Santana knew the girl was crying. There was a dull pain resting against her chest and Santana had to hold back a whimper. She felt herself leaning forward, needing to see what was going on inside the room. Peering around the doorway, face shrouded by shadows, she nearly collapsed at the sight she was met with.
Dylan was sitting on the bed with a worn sweatshirt in one hand, an arm wrapped around a quivering blonde. Kurt was standing next to the two girls, holding a pair of sweatpants and staring down at Dylan. Brittany was wearing only a bra and her red spanks, Cheerios uniform discarded next to the bed. She saw Dylan glance up at Kurt, eyes worried, as Brittany clutched at her shirt, weeping uncontrollably.
“Brittany, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” she heard Kurt soothe, moving to sit on her other side.
“How… How,” Brittany choked out in between struggling breaths, “How c-can it b-be?”
“Just give her time, Britt, she’ll come around,” Dylan said sadly. Santana cringed at the lack of honesty in the girl’s voice. Dylan had lost hope in her.
“W-why? T-this is your…” Brittany fisted Dylan’s shirt, “y-you s-said… it was g-going to b-be alright. You s-said she wouldn’t … wouldn’t l-leave.”
Santana rested her head against the outer door frame. Dylan had convinced Brittany to sing to her. Had she told Brittany how Santana felt about her as well? Santana felt her heart skip a beat and she brought a hand up to grip it.
“She’s just scared, Britt. I used to be scared, too,” Kurt explained.
“B-but why?” she begged the boy next to her, her voice was stronger as she asked him. “W-why is she scared to lo-love me? W-what’s w-wrong with me?”
“Britt! There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect,” Dylan said sternly. She reached out and gently removed Brittany’s hand from her shirt and started to pull the sweatshirt onto the blonde’s arm.
Santana watched as Kurt gingerly reached over to pull Brittany back to allow Dylan to properly clothe the quivering blonde. Dylan gently pulled the hoodie down over Brittany’s head and Santana heard another sob. Blonde hair appeared in the opening followed soon by a distraught looking Brittany and Santana had to hold back a gasp.
Brittany looked so worn and broken, but somehow she managed to look more beautiful than ever, blue eyes glistening with tears and cheeks sparkling with the previously shed ones as her blonde locks fell in loose waves against her shoulders.
“How c-can you say that? S-she doesn’t want me. She wants someone else… anyone b-but m-me,” Brittany continued as Dylan worked her second arm through the sweatshirt.
“How can you say that, B? You know that’s not true.” Dylan sympathized.
“She had s-sex with you!” Brittany cried out in pain and Santana actually did gasp. Dylan had told her what had happened and she took a step back from the doorway. “W-why doesn’t she want to b-be with me? I… I don’t understand… what’s w-wrong with me?”
“Britt, please,” Kurt called to her, reaching out to run his hand through disheveled locks of blonde.
“I-if she’s scared… to be… with a g-girl,” Brittany reasoned in out loud, “th-then why would she sleep with you?” she turned glistening blue eyes towards Dylan.
“Brittany, I told you. That meant nothing. We were angry… it was more of a competition than anything,” Dylan chuckled painfully. Santana huffed.
Brittany shook her head rapidly, “N-no… it’s me… she doesn’t… she doesn’t love me. There’s something wrong with me.”
Part Two of Three
Pairing: Brittany/Santana, Brittany/OC
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Glee or song related, just Dylan.
Spoilers: Through s02e11
Summary: Fear. It forces you to do things you regret. And that's just what happens to Santana, causing her to run away from the one person she loves the most. Can one stranger help her defeat those fears or will she just lose Brittany to her for good?
A/N: This is the longest chapter and was one of the most difficult to write so I hope I did it justice. Basically everything I've written has just been building up to this chapter. The song Santana hears on the radio may seem a little strange and I had a hard time deciding how she would hear the it. If you don't know who the artist is yet it's because she just released her album in the US and I doubt it's on the radio. Hopefully it will be and I took liberty to say that in a few months it might be. So yes, just keep that in mind. I borrowed the title of this chapter from the season 5 finale of Bones because it really does sum everything up.
For those who have made it this far, I did promise it would pay off. So thank you for sticking with it. There is one more, short chapter after this as an epilogue.
This was definitely not what she had been expecting. Santana had spent all week watching Brittany from a distance as she conspired in corners with Dylan while giving her what could only be described as seductive glares. But here she was in Glee club, the Friday after Brittany’s motocross tournament, watching Brittany walk up to Mr. Schuester and announce she has a song to sing.
Santana watched wide-eyed and confused as Dylan walked over to where Brittany stood talking to Mr. Schuester. The shorter girl placed a hand on Brittany’s shoulder and gave her a sideways hug before leaning up and whispering something into her ear. Brittany’s eyes beamed and she nodded heavily before taking a deep breath and rolling her shoulders. Mr. Schue smiled at her and patted her back before walking forwards a few feet and addressing the Glee club.
“Okay, guys, lets settle down,” he said and motioned for Dylan to take a seat. Santana shifted nervously as Brittany made her way to stand next to Mr. Schuester.
“All right, well, Brittany,” he reached over and wrapped and arm around the blonde, “has a song she would like to sing, so let’s give it up! Take it away, Britt!”
Mr. Schuester moved to sit in a chair off to the side and Brittany shifted forward, head held down. Santana watched as she played with her hands and dug at the linoleum with her foot. She looked up and glanced at Dylan. Santana turned to face the other girl and watched as she gave a firm nod to the blonde.
“Santana,” Brittany let out breathily.
Santana snapped her head towards the front of the room and her eyes went wide. She felt her heart stop as she met Brittany’s crystal blue eyes.
“I know…” she paused and took a deep breath, “I know things have been… different between us.”
Santana held her breath and felt her hands start to sweat. She looked around nervously and saw eyes trained on her, warm and expectant.
“But you’re my best friend, San. You’re such an important part of my life, and…” she explained, playing with her hands nervously. “I have something I need to tell you. So this song… it’s for you.”
She felt a whimper leave her throat as the pressure in her lungs became too unbearable. She bit her lip, hoping no one heard her, though as she looked around she knew her wish hadn’t been granted. She turned to face Brittany again and saw the shy smirk that tugged at the corner of her mouth. She felt herself sink under the weight of her brilliant blue eyes. They seemed to be radiating and it made Santana nervous.
Brittany closed her eyes and rolled her head back before taking a deep breath and lowering her eyes to look directly at Santana again.
“Another day has gone, I'm still all alone. How could this be, you're not here with me?” her voice was quiet as she started, pleading almost. “You never said goodbye, someone tell me why. Did you have to go? And leave my world so cold?”
She knew exactly what Brittany was referencing. She had walked out so suddenly on her, without any explanation. She didn’t say goodbye and left her to wander by herself, confused and hurting. She felt a strain on her heart knowing Brittany had left alone and empty, now understanding the consequences of her actions.
“Everyday I sit and ask myself, how did love slip away? Something whispers in my ear and says, that you are not alone,” She took a step forward, her voice growing stronger, “I am here with you. Though you're far away, I am here to stay.”
“But you are not alone, I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart, but you are not alone,” Santana dropped her head. She couldn’t bear to look into Brittany’s eyes. Her mind was racing, attempting to decipher what the blonde was trying to tell her.
“Just the other night, I thought I heard you cry, asking me to come and hold you in my arms,” She looked up at Brittany again. There was no way she actually knew that. She had been alone in her room; she hadn’t spoken to anyone all week. How did she know that’s exactly what she had done every night for the last two weeks?
“I can hear your prayers, your burdens I will bear. But first I need your hand then forever can begin,” she looked down at her empty palm as she sang, turning it over to look at the back before glancing up into Santana’s eyes again.
Santana felt her heart begin to race. There was no way Brittany was actually telling her what she thought she was. She looked around her again and shrunk back in her chair. Every eye in the room was fixed on her, wanting to know her response.
Brittany took a step forward again. Her voice was stronger, more vibrant and daring as she sang out the first verse again. Santana saw her eyes flash towards Dylan again and she felt her heart sink. But then she heard the other girl’s voice start up quietly and she slowly turned her head to see Dylan rise to her feet. Dylan stepped forward, singing with Brittany until she was next to her and then slowly turning to lock eyes with Santana.
Dylan sang the chorus with Brittany, as Santana sat with her mouth agape. Then Brittany stepped forward again. This time she didn’t stop until she was kneeling in front of Santana.
“Whisper three words and I'll come runnin',” she reached out and grasped one of Santana’s hands and she stiffened. Brittany rose to her feet and gazed down at her, “and girl you know that I'll be there… I'll be there!”
Santana pulled her hand back. She instantly regretted it, knowing she had done it more forcefully than she expected. She stared up at Brittany, mouth hanging open. That line, it was as though Brittany was daring her; daring her to say the three words she knew she couldn’t.
She saw a flash of hurt in the blonde’s eyes after she pulled her hand back. She watched as Brittany clenched her jaw briefly and then looked up and around the stands behind her. The sound of chairs scraping against the floor filled the room as Brittany walked back to the center of the choir room before whipping around. She started singing again, but this time, twelve other voices joined in.
“You are not alone, I am here with you. Though you're far away, I am here to stay… you are not alone.” She had never seen Brittany sing with such passion before. Sorrow poured out of her mouth it released the words, begging Santana to understand.
The rest of the Glee club made their way to the front of the room and took up the spot behind Brittany, Dylan standing forward slightly and to her left, “I am here with you. Though we're far apart, you're always in my heart…”
They were all singing to her now, as though each one of them was daring her to step forward and Santana felt intimidated, “you are not alone.”
But she was alone. Brittany had chosen Artie, she had chosen Dylan. There was no way Brittany could love her.
“I am here with you.”
No, she wasn’t with her. Brittany had left her just as much as Santana had.
“Though you're far away…. I am here to stay.”
Santana felt her heart break a little more and she felt her hand twitch as though to reach up and grab it. Her brain was struggling to process the information and humiliation it was receiving.
Brittany took one more step forward and whispered out the last line of the song, staring directly at Santana, “you are not alone… I am here with you, you are not alone.”
The music ended and the rest of New Directions stood silently behind Brittany and Dylan, watching, waiting. Santana glanced over to Mr. Schuester and cringed when she realized he was also watching her.
“Santana…” Brittany’s voice was husky in its post song haze and she was slightly out of breath.
She turned and looked up at the blonde with tired eyes. Her skin was tingling and she felt everyone’s gaze on her.
“San,” she said it in a sweeter tone, begging her to listen, “you’re my best friend. But these last six months have been the most painful in my life.”
Santana felt herself tense.
“Having to spend every day sitting next to you, watching you, singing with you… to you,” Brittany explained. “It hurt, San, it hurt so much. Because I knew I couldn’t just reach out and hold your hand.”
Santana furrowed her eyebrows and sat up a little higher in her seat. She saw Dylan staring at her, a sad smile playing at the edge of her lips.
“All I ever wanted was just to be with you, to be us. To be Brittany and Santana,” Brittany admitted glancing down at her empty palm again, “Because the truth is…” she raised her head and stared directly into Santana’s eyes, “I love you, San. I love you and I always have. I don’t know how or when, or why but I do, and I can’t remember a moment that I didn’t love you.”
Santana felt a brick land in the pit of her stomach and she felt her head begin to swim. She blinked and shook her head, realizing she hadn’t comprehended what the blonde had said. Her hands slid off her lap and gripped clammily at the maroon plastic of the chair she was sitting on. She shook her head rapidly back and forth feeling a lump form in the back of her throat.
“San?” Brittany’s voice was distant, as though she was miles away and Santana looked up.
She could barely make out her form in front of her, her eyes blurred by unshed tears and her head spinning. She let out a gasp and leaned forward, placing her head in her hands.
“Santana, listen to her!” the voice didn’t belong to Brittany but Santana couldn’t make out who had said it. But it felt like a punch to the stomach and breathing suddenly became extremely difficult.
She felt herself begin to pant heavily in an effort to get as much oxygen into her lungs as possible, but they wouldn’t open. She gasped out in pain and she felt someone run to her side.
“Oh my god, San!” it was Brittany, or at least she thought so, “It’s okay, I’m here. Dylan, what’s wrong? What’s happening?”
“Shit, Britt…” Dylan came up beside her, “Santana?”
The heavy pants grew into violent heaving as she struggled to suck air in. She looked up and saw Dylan, who was standing before her and Brittany, who was kneeling in front of her and watched as she reached out.
As Brittany’s fingers ghosted against hers, she felt a splitting pain rush up her arm and she was suddenly standing bolt upright, knocking her chair over in the process and stumbling backwards.
Brittany’s voice was pleading as she heard her name echo in her head, but she shook it and looked up, everyone in the choir room was falling in on her. The pressure was building and she heard someone else call out. That tipped her over the edge and she ran. She ran as fast as her feet would take her, head spinning, away from what she could never allow herself to have.
She got halfway down the hallway before she had to stop to prevent herself from collapsing. She leaned a hand against the cool wall and heaved, the buzzing in her head blocking out the sound of the girl as she approached.
Dylan grabbed her arm and swung her around violently, a harsh glare in her eye, “What the fuck! Santana, are you blind?”
“I… I… don’t…” she chocked on her words trying to make sense in her head, “I can’t…” she gasped for air.
“Why? Why are you doing this?” Dylan pleaded with her.
All Santana could do was shake her head, should couldn’t speak. She extracted herself from Dylan and stumbled backwards before turning and running the rest of the way out of the building to the parking lot.
She knew it probably wasn’t the best idea to drive, but she needed to get away. Her head was spinning violently and all she wanted to do was calm down and breathe. The keys fumbled in her hand as she fought to get them in the ignition and the roar of the engine split through her head when she finally managed to turn the key.
She was out of the parking lot and speeding down the street by the time she realized she was crying. Tears poured freely down her cheeks as she sobbed. She fought to gain control, begging herself to come to, not even remembering how she had gotten to where she was. When she realized she could barely see the road, she forced herself to pull over, hands trembling against the steering wheel.
She put the car in park and allowed the tears to run freely as she gasped for hair, head resting against the wheel in front of her. It was pointless trying to fight her body now, there was nothing she could do but wait for it to pass.
It felt like hours before she was able to open her eyes and successfully take a shallow but deep breath. She blinked; the haze in her head starting to clear out and she attempted to remember what had just happened.
Santana shivered and reached up to wipe her cheeks, running her index fingers under her eyes to clear away the mascara that had bled there. She rolled her head back against the seat and stared at the roof of her car. The radio was on and she hadn’t even realized, but now the faint sound of music floated through the vehicle.
“Fuck,” she breathed out, scrunching her eyes shut and forcing herself to remember. Images of a certain blonde floated through her head. They were in the choir room. She rolled her head forward and sucked in a breath. She remembered singing, Brittany had sung to her. She remembered the entire Glee club singing to her and she felt small as she sank deeper into her seat.
And then her eyes widened in surprise. Brittany’s song… she had sung to her. She had sung her a love song.
“No,” she thought, shaking her head, “No, she couldn’t have. She can’t love me.” She remembered the pressure she felt in the choir room. Had Brittany actually admitted her love? Santana struggled to remember. But she shook her head. Even if Brittany had told her she was in love with her, there was no way they could be together.
A flash of copper whipped through her mind and she remembered Dylan. What had she said to her in the hallway? She couldn’t remember, but she remembered the fierce look of disappointment on her face.
Santana dropped her head against the steering wheel and she felt herself begin to shake again. Brittany had told her she loved her. She had risked everything and stood in front of all their teammates and admitted her love. Santana felt tears begin to form again. Despite everything she had put Brittany through, all her torture and teasing, Brittany still loved her. And she had run out on her, again. She felt her heart begin to break at the thought of what she had done.
“Oh god,” she choked out, “Brittany… I’m sorry!” she called out to her empty car and the deserted road she was on. The sun had started to set and she felt herself growing weaker. She couldn’t go back to Brittany now, not after what she had done. She had let Brittany slip right through her fingers, and lost her for good.
She felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks again. The song on the radio ended and a new one began. It was quiet but something made Santana turn her head slowly towards the speakers as her forehead rested against the steering wheel. She felt cold, and a chill ran down her spine as the voice drifted through the car.
“Breathe air you're not used to, tread floors you don't fall through, make waves... you crash a symbol hard, follow no one, always play the wrong card…”
She had never heard the song before, it was an artist she didn’t recognize but she was drawn to it and the words washed over her, hitting home.
“Waste days, in foreign places, shed light on your better side. Reassure me that you'll wait for me, wait for me as long as it takes! And I'll hold my breath, I'll hold my breath.”
Santana sat up straight and furrowed her eyebrows as she turned her head to face the radio. She considered the lyrics. She had spent so many days wondering around in the dark, pretending to not be in love with her best friend. She never let her true self show, except to Brittany. The blonde was her life, her light, and she always brought out the best in her. Santana hadn’t been ready to let anyone know about her feeling, especially the blonde. It was as though she was constantly holding her breath, waiting for it all to fall apart.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees…”
Santana sucked in a breath, Brittany had been appearing in her dreams more and more ever since that first dream before Regionals.
“We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us. You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break.”
Brittany. She was the one thing in Santana’s life that she could count on. She would do anything for the blonde, without a moment’s hesitation… so why couldn’t she allow herself to let go?
“Those fears we'll blow them all away… blow them all away.”
She let out a moan, it was as though Brittany was singing her this song, providing her with answers. She felt a tear roll down her cheek again, eyes burning.
“Fight fires in your best clothes, touch skin with your eyes closed,” Santana shivered at the thought, “Chase thunder... with the volume down. Pack a suitcase, wander to the next town… force quit, on your losing streak, solve a riddle in a magazine, be tongue in cheek…”
She was losing. She was losing everything. She was losing her best friend, her love, and her life, running from it all.
“Tell me that we're still too young, that we're still too young and I'll hold my tongue…”
It was Brittany singing to her, Santana was convinced. She remembered a time when she told Brittany that they were too young to know what love was. But here Brittany was telling her it’s okay, that she would wait for her.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees. We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us…”
The tears were falling freely now. She could hear Brittany telling her they would be together, until the end. Until there was nothing left.
“Brittany!” she heard herself call out. “Britt, I’m afraid!”
“You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break. Those fears we'll blow them all away… we'll blow them all away…”
Brittany answered her and she felt herself fall forward against the steering wheel. Together, they could do this together. Brittany had risked everything for her, why couldn’t she do the same?
“I'm here, I'm here to take you. I'll swim, I will swim to save you… No fall, I'm here to catch you, I'll swim, I will swim to save you…”
“Fuck… Britt. I’m sorry! I know! I hear you!” she called to the radio. She put the car in drive and pulled back out onto the road. Brittany was speaking to her through the song and she felt a warmth rush through her chest.
“Until you see me in your dreams, we'll stay awake beneath the trees…”
She thought of their tree and the days spent lying underneath it. The memories they had and the memories they could make. Together.
“We'll watch the buildings turn to dust, a sky of diamonds just for us…”
“Forever, Britt. Together forever, just like we promised,” Santana called out. They had vowed to always be in each other’s lives when they were young and she didn’t intend on breaking that promise.
“You are the risk I'll always take, the only branch I'll never break…”
“For you, Britt… Always!”
“Those fears we'll blow them all away… we'll blow them all away…”
She was speeding down the streets as the song drew to a close and she felt her heart begin to burn. She could do this. As long as she was with Brittany, things would be okay. She shouldn’t be afraid anymore, not when Brittany was there to keep her safe.
Before she knew it she was pulling into Brittany’s driveway. When she saw a second car already parked there she paused for a second and felt her newly found adrenaline begin to drain from her body. It wasn’t Brittany’s family car, it was a black SUV. Santana glanced at the clock and realized it had gotten far later than she would have expected. She must have been out of it for a while to not notice how much time had passed.
She felt the familiar panic begin to pull at her heart string again but she swallowed her fear and opened her car door. The last line of the song floated through her mind. She exhaled deeply, pushing away any insecurities and stepped forward. Her feet felt like lead and she couldn’t help but compare them to how they felt in her dream.
The red door was cracked open when she got to the porch and Santana paused for a second time, placing her hand against the cool wood. The house was eerily quiet and she glanced back at the black car in the driveway. There had to be somebody here. She took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
Even after a single step across the threshold, Santana already felt at home. There was a warmth to this house and a small smile tugged against her lips. But she frowned as she looked around the house. It was dark in the early evening, no lights were on and everything was cold. She stood in the entrance way, absorbing her surroundings.
There was a thump against the ceiling and Santana’s gaze bolted upwards. There was someone here after all. Her feet started moving again, this time more cautious. Her sneakered feet fell heavily against the carpeted stairs as she climbed them slowly. She heard another thump, followed by shuffling and rapid conversation. It was quiet and muffled, but not angry.
She reached the top of the stairs and turned down the hall. There was a dim light flowing from Brittany’s bedroom and she saw shadows flashing against the wall across from the open door way.
“Dylan, help me get this on,” she heard as she approached the door way. It was Kurt’s voice and she frowned.
“Shit, Britt, here,” she heard Dylan say, “come on, B, you can’t stay like that.” Dylan’s voice was soothing and worried. It tugged at Santana’s heart and she stopped her movement, just outside and around from the bedroom door.
She rested against the wall, losing strength as she heard an indisputable sob come from Brittany and Santana knew the girl was crying. There was a dull pain resting against her chest and Santana had to hold back a whimper. She felt herself leaning forward, needing to see what was going on inside the room. Peering around the doorway, face shrouded by shadows, she nearly collapsed at the sight she was met with.
Dylan was sitting on the bed with a worn sweatshirt in one hand, an arm wrapped around a quivering blonde. Kurt was standing next to the two girls, holding a pair of sweatpants and staring down at Dylan. Brittany was wearing only a bra and her red spanks, Cheerios uniform discarded next to the bed. She saw Dylan glance up at Kurt, eyes worried, as Brittany clutched at her shirt, weeping uncontrollably.
“Brittany, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” she heard Kurt soothe, moving to sit on her other side.
“How… How,” Brittany choked out in between struggling breaths, “How c-can it b-be?”
“Just give her time, Britt, she’ll come around,” Dylan said sadly. Santana cringed at the lack of honesty in the girl’s voice. Dylan had lost hope in her.
“W-why? T-this is your…” Brittany fisted Dylan’s shirt, “y-you s-said… it was g-going to b-be alright. You s-said she wouldn’t … wouldn’t l-leave.”
Santana rested her head against the outer door frame. Dylan had convinced Brittany to sing to her. Had she told Brittany how Santana felt about her as well? Santana felt her heart skip a beat and she brought a hand up to grip it.
“She’s just scared, Britt. I used to be scared, too,” Kurt explained.
“B-but why?” she begged the boy next to her, her voice was stronger as she asked him. “W-why is she scared to lo-love me? W-what’s w-wrong with me?”
“Britt! There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect,” Dylan said sternly. She reached out and gently removed Brittany’s hand from her shirt and started to pull the sweatshirt onto the blonde’s arm.
Santana watched as Kurt gingerly reached over to pull Brittany back to allow Dylan to properly clothe the quivering blonde. Dylan gently pulled the hoodie down over Brittany’s head and Santana heard another sob. Blonde hair appeared in the opening followed soon by a distraught looking Brittany and Santana had to hold back a gasp.
Brittany looked so worn and broken, but somehow she managed to look more beautiful than ever, blue eyes glistening with tears and cheeks sparkling with the previously shed ones as her blonde locks fell in loose waves against her shoulders.
“How c-can you say that? S-she doesn’t want me. She wants someone else… anyone b-but m-me,” Brittany continued as Dylan worked her second arm through the sweatshirt.
“How can you say that, B? You know that’s not true.” Dylan sympathized.
“She had s-sex with you!” Brittany cried out in pain and Santana actually did gasp. Dylan had told her what had happened and she took a step back from the doorway. “W-why doesn’t she want to b-be with me? I… I don’t understand… what’s w-wrong with me?”
“Britt, please,” Kurt called to her, reaching out to run his hand through disheveled locks of blonde.
“I-if she’s scared… to be… with a g-girl,” Brittany reasoned in out loud, “th-then why would she sleep with you?” she turned glistening blue eyes towards Dylan.
“Brittany, I told you. That meant nothing. We were angry… it was more of a competition than anything,” Dylan chuckled painfully. Santana huffed.
Brittany shook her head rapidly, “N-no… it’s me… she doesn’t… she doesn’t love me. There’s something wrong with me.”
Part Two of Three