dramatiC.
I really need to find more to do at the end of the day when the students leave. I have been BEYOND bored these last couple of weeks. Not just regular bored either, but like, restless. Unable. I'll look at the clock and only FOUR minutes have past.. I used to re-read through old journal stuff, because I feel like reading often makes time fly. And it takes a bit to keep my attention, but old days can be fun. But now, reading back on my own shit puts me in all kinds of weird moods, makes me feel like Josh. Except that I don't want to rehash.
I don't know why I've felt so over things here at work lately. Well, I kinda do.
I'm not going to go too deep into things, because it consumes my mind enough as is. And I don't feel like this is one of those things where "getting it all out on paper" will help. I actually think it would do more harm, and just make me think about it more. So I'll just blurt out some nonsense in an unstructured and very undetailed fashion.
Basically, my health is still an issue, and potentially a much more serious one in the future.
Despite making dramatic changes in my diet and lifestyle (exercising 4x a week and cutting out caffeine and alcohol completely), I'm still struggling with intestinal and colo-rectal issues. I still get cramps and pains. And I'm bleeding every time I use the rest room now.
I had an appointment with my primary doctor on the 5th, that I thought would put my mind at ease. Instead, it bumped my anxiety and panic level up to a 10 for a bit. I'd imagine most people feel like that the first time their doctor puts the 'C' word into affiliation with their ailment.
Look. It wasn't like she told me straight up, "You have Cancer" or anything, tho she might as well have with the way my stupid anxiety keeps reacting. It was more her emphasis on how young I am to be having these big issues, and how it strengthens the possibility of colo-rectal cancer in the future. And how my "silly" fears, maybe aren't that silly.
It's her job to tell me everything. She's required to let all of her patients know the worst case, just in case. And she's great by doing so, and by trying to relate by telling stories of how her brother in law had beaten colo-rectal cancer at age 39. Soooo.. I'm so young to be having these issues.... but colorectal cancer isn't out of the question for someone under 40? That info does the opposite of putting me at ease. I went into the appointment, expecting her to ease my worries and tell me to eat more fiber or something. Not some "this isn't really that simple" drawn out talk about how young I am, and how serious these issues are, and can be. She said it was good that I had the colonoscopy, and how (again) I'm 'so young to be having intestinal polyps' but that it was good that I had them removed before they became cancerous. TWICE. SHE said it twice! I laughed out of awkward discomfort, and told her that I was trying really hard not to let that thought enter my mind, because I was the kind of person who immediately thought the worst. Again, I expected comfort, and instead was confronted with the "It's not out of the realm, and it's good to be informed and prepared".
How do you prepare for that word in your future.....?
Again. I was acting like I had Stage IV right then and there. Like an insane person. I have to keep myself logical. Possibility in the Future. Not "Most definitely". Not "Right this minute". A Possibility. In the future.
The good part is that there are most definitely things I can do to prevent such... seriousness in my future. And I'm doing them. I sort of spazzed out on informational text that weekend on the subject, and it does seem like I'm doing the right things. I'm exercising. I'm eating right. I'm avoiding what I should be avoiding...almost like the plague, actually. I am SUPER strict now about what I"m putting into my body. I know that I don't have to avoid certain things so drastically, but that part is out of my own fear. That same weekend, Vito asked if I wanted a steak for our cheat night. And red meat is one of the CRC's "try to avoid in order to prevent" things. So I was like, HEYYYYALLL No. I felt dramatic, but I also spent that weekened completely caving into my own fears of "what ifs". As weak as I'll look, it completely consumed me. I felt like even the possibilty was making me look at everything differently. I cried a lot too. I went into some really dark places that I don't even think I can or want to write about. And to be honest, sometimes that fear still wins. and I drown in it.
I guess I sort of do wish I'd written some long drawn out entry about things I thought, felt. Even if it came out all dramatic. I sometimes miss writing like that.
Luckily, typing that out has made time go by. And it's time to go home and see my love. and cess.