I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here
I didn't write about this in either journal, the night it happened. And I wish I had.
It was the day I was "Productive." I'd done so much around the house, that my mom gave me money to get wine. I had decided to stop at the liquor store before heading over to the theater to film for Spelling Bee. So I drove over, knowing exactly what I was going to get. I pulled into the parking lot, parked, and turned the car off. As I walked through the first set of doors, I could see the cashiers lines, and the only guy in line was staring at me. I wasn't paying too much attention, but I could tell when someone looks at me. It made me feel good. I took a minor glance in his direction as I was about to go down one of the isles. I didn't get a good look, but I could tell he was dark haired and attractive. It took me literally 14 seconds to get the bottle I was looking for, and as I walked back up front, I was sort of hoping this semi attractive stare-er, would still be in line. When I got to the front of the isle and turned kiddy corner to get to the registers, the attractive stranger was still there, and he looked up at me again. And upon getting a clearer look, I swear, my heart stopped.
It was Cade Leto...
I know I've been emotional lately, and had all kinds of wacky extreme responses to things. But as ...undramatic as I can make it sound, I felt like I stopped breathing for a second. I felt every organ inside me, tense up. He quickly retorted back down, and pretended he hadn't seen me. fuck... Fuck. I couldn't not get in line behind him... but as luck would have it, another cashier opened up, and I took full advantage...though I sort of wish I'd make contact of some kind.
what the Fuck would I have said to him though? He left shortly after I got in line, and I couldn't get him off my mind for the rest of the night. Talk about people you never thought you'd see again. like, ever.
I just looked through both journals from 2010, and I couldn't find anything about...anything. Did I really never write about him? Or us? I can't believe that.. I'm sitting here, listening to Incubus's "Here in My Room"..and it's just completely transporting me. Back to 2010. Back to my room, back to my dark cherry carpet, lit only by a room full of candles, with this song on repeat, and me. on my bed. On my back, looking up at the ceiling, listening, feeling... denying Everything.
I cheated on Michael. Nobody, except Lorraine and Vince know. I've lied about it to pretty much everyone since then. Flat out denying that anything ever happened. But it did. Vince and Lorraine were hooked on each other ever since she and I crashed Vince's house party the fall of 2009. She was afraid to hang out alone with him, so she'd always invite me along. Sometimes Cade and his brother Cole would be there, sometimes they wouldn't. But then Cade started being there all the time. And I was just drawn to him. We had the same taste in music, our birthdays were only a couple of days apart. When Lorraine would head upstairs to get it on with my hairy scary friend, Cade and I were left to entertain each other. And we did. He was funny, and I started to really enjoy his company. Michael was off in Cortland..Land, making new friends (including the girl he'd later leave me for). It was hard to have my social circle gone. So I leaned on this new little crew, hard. The 4 of us hung out all the time, sometimes until really late at night. The attraction between Cade and I developed with a tender but unfortunate sweetness, with slow but heated anticipation. It grew to the point where we couldn't ignore it anymore. And we made out. Several times. It never really went beyond that. We were never alone. Except one time.. Once, we were alone at Vince's when he went to take a drunken Lorraine home in a snow storm. It was the kind of night when the snow falls so quickly, and so hard, that no one is outside. It was a ghost block, and if you listened hard enough, you could actually hear the flakes falling on top of each other. The streets were dimly lit with a soft orange periwinkle light, and everything felt so quiet. We knew we'd be in private for some time, and we went upstairs. To a room lit only by candles. We were in almost nothing. I had red lace booty short panties on, that he loved...and that back then, I actually rocked. He only had on boxer briefs. Black ones. He was lean, but he had muscle to him. And his smile.... god damn it I was so attracted to him.. His smile was so killer. It was infectious, and it killed me, both in virtue and morality, and then again later on, in denying it. Which I ultimately ended up doing. denying him. Denying anything we'd been. In the end, I did a really Really good job making Cade feel like he was nothing, and no one. Which couldn't have been further from the truth. I liked him. A lot. He wanted me to leave Michael. But he was "too young" and there was "no way we would really work out, or want the same things at the same time" ..and I had a boyfriend... a boyfriend that, at the time, I thought--no, I was SURE was "Right" for me.
seems so stupid now.
and also, kind of redundant? Sounds a little familiar.. too young for me... HA. Cade is the same age as Mike Meaney. Vince and Lorraine broke up, and I grew a conscience. Cade and I haven't seen each other since. Last I heard, he got married about a year ago. He's probably very happy...
"Itself, itself, itself, itself..."
~History
It was the day I was "Productive." I'd done so much around the house, that my mom gave me money to get wine. I had decided to stop at the liquor store before heading over to the theater to film for Spelling Bee. So I drove over, knowing exactly what I was going to get. I pulled into the parking lot, parked, and turned the car off. As I walked through the first set of doors, I could see the cashiers lines, and the only guy in line was staring at me. I wasn't paying too much attention, but I could tell when someone looks at me. It made me feel good. I took a minor glance in his direction as I was about to go down one of the isles. I didn't get a good look, but I could tell he was dark haired and attractive. It took me literally 14 seconds to get the bottle I was looking for, and as I walked back up front, I was sort of hoping this semi attractive stare-er, would still be in line. When I got to the front of the isle and turned kiddy corner to get to the registers, the attractive stranger was still there, and he looked up at me again. And upon getting a clearer look, I swear, my heart stopped.
It was Cade Leto...
I know I've been emotional lately, and had all kinds of wacky extreme responses to things. But as ...undramatic as I can make it sound, I felt like I stopped breathing for a second. I felt every organ inside me, tense up. He quickly retorted back down, and pretended he hadn't seen me. fuck... Fuck. I couldn't not get in line behind him... but as luck would have it, another cashier opened up, and I took full advantage...though I sort of wish I'd make contact of some kind.
what the Fuck would I have said to him though? He left shortly after I got in line, and I couldn't get him off my mind for the rest of the night. Talk about people you never thought you'd see again. like, ever.
I just looked through both journals from 2010, and I couldn't find anything about...anything. Did I really never write about him? Or us? I can't believe that.. I'm sitting here, listening to Incubus's "Here in My Room"..and it's just completely transporting me. Back to 2010. Back to my room, back to my dark cherry carpet, lit only by a room full of candles, with this song on repeat, and me. on my bed. On my back, looking up at the ceiling, listening, feeling... denying Everything.
I cheated on Michael. Nobody, except Lorraine and Vince know. I've lied about it to pretty much everyone since then. Flat out denying that anything ever happened. But it did. Vince and Lorraine were hooked on each other ever since she and I crashed Vince's house party the fall of 2009. She was afraid to hang out alone with him, so she'd always invite me along. Sometimes Cade and his brother Cole would be there, sometimes they wouldn't. But then Cade started being there all the time. And I was just drawn to him. We had the same taste in music, our birthdays were only a couple of days apart. When Lorraine would head upstairs to get it on with my hairy scary friend, Cade and I were left to entertain each other. And we did. He was funny, and I started to really enjoy his company. Michael was off in Cortland..Land, making new friends (including the girl he'd later leave me for). It was hard to have my social circle gone. So I leaned on this new little crew, hard. The 4 of us hung out all the time, sometimes until really late at night. The attraction between Cade and I developed with a tender but unfortunate sweetness, with slow but heated anticipation. It grew to the point where we couldn't ignore it anymore. And we made out. Several times. It never really went beyond that. We were never alone. Except one time.. Once, we were alone at Vince's when he went to take a drunken Lorraine home in a snow storm. It was the kind of night when the snow falls so quickly, and so hard, that no one is outside. It was a ghost block, and if you listened hard enough, you could actually hear the flakes falling on top of each other. The streets were dimly lit with a soft orange periwinkle light, and everything felt so quiet. We knew we'd be in private for some time, and we went upstairs. To a room lit only by candles. We were in almost nothing. I had red lace booty short panties on, that he loved...and that back then, I actually rocked. He only had on boxer briefs. Black ones. He was lean, but he had muscle to him. And his smile.... god damn it I was so attracted to him.. His smile was so killer. It was infectious, and it killed me, both in virtue and morality, and then again later on, in denying it. Which I ultimately ended up doing. denying him. Denying anything we'd been. In the end, I did a really Really good job making Cade feel like he was nothing, and no one. Which couldn't have been further from the truth. I liked him. A lot. He wanted me to leave Michael. But he was "too young" and there was "no way we would really work out, or want the same things at the same time" ..and I had a boyfriend... a boyfriend that, at the time, I thought--no, I was SURE was "Right" for me.
seems so stupid now.
and also, kind of redundant? Sounds a little familiar.. too young for me... HA. Cade is the same age as Mike Meaney. Vince and Lorraine broke up, and I grew a conscience. Cade and I haven't seen each other since. Last I heard, he got married about a year ago. He's probably very happy...
"Itself, itself, itself, itself..."
~History