(no subject)
What a full day yesterday was... all the way around. It felt like I was up for five minutes before my mom wanted to get going to the Every Dog's Dream rescue/adoption event down at Petco. Of course, my mom falls in love with an ugly wire-haired something or other. His name was Wolfie. He really wasn't that bad after a while. But equally natural, I was immediately drawn to the 4 lab puppies. I knew my mom wouldn't lean that way though, especially after hearing that they were mixes and had "some" newfie in them. Damn. It's so strange, I'm really NOT a dog person at all. But lately, I don't know if it's the "baby in training" mode that I feel or what. But I've really felt like I want a puppy. And because I'm such a stuck up bitch about dogs, I feel like I would need the absolute perfect one for me. I've got high canine standards. And while I loved these little lab/newfie babies, they weren't for me. None of them were for us.
I immediately zoomed over to endicott to help Luke move in. Funny fact. Luke's new appartment, is DIRECTLY acrossed the street from Michael's house. So fun.. They even parked the trailer and truck where I used to park when I'd go to his house. Yeah. So I was like "Anything I can do INSIDE?" I helped unpack books and dishes, and wiped down all of his wooden furniture. I felt semi-helpful. I was more excited than he was though. It's a cute place..small, but the rooms are really spacious. The bedroom is huge. And I couldn't help myself as I walked around in there, to picture how I would live there. How I would arrange the furniture, what color I would paint the walls. I felt so excited, and yet...so envious. bleh.
From there I went over to Rene's for dinner with Jeff. That was... weird. I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what to think of Rene. She's so wonderful and heartwarming and creative. But she's almost toooo out there sometimes. I feel such a lack of structure with her, because she's so into letting people grow creatively and do what they want. Sometimes I want...no. All the time, I want structure. If we're doing a project, I like to have everything planned so I feel organized and prepared and ready. Not that Rene isn't those things, I'm sure she is. But I just have a hard time understanding sometimes, what she's picturing or what exactly she wants from me. I mean, Jeff and I were there for about 2 and a half hours last night, and I left still not entirely sure what it is that we're doing. I don't know if it's just a film, if it's a dance stories show. I also didn't know that this wasn't going to be needed until June of 2013. 2013! I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months, let alone a whole year from now. Eeesh.
I had plans with Adam Ash last night, but at Rene's I started to feel very tired, and a bit achey. I didn't feel like I did much to help Luke move, but perhaps just the busy day was enough to bother my back. So I made the decision to text him, and tell him I wasn't feeling up to hanging. He was okay with it.
This is where my night gets a little lame. I was relaxing in my room, when I got a text from TJ. A text saying that Kaitlin messaged him again. She added him on facebook a little while ago, which caused me to have a dream about the two of them. A stupid dream. However, weird universal connections happen, and strangely since my dream, more things have come about. She messaged him one night, telling him that she wished he could make her laugh right then. He found it unusual, and had told me about every time she's said something to him since then. He didn't want to assume she liked him, and kept wanting a fellow chicks imput. And to be honest, I couldn't tell either way. Friday, she had told me at school that TJ was being obnoxious, but that he was lucky that he was "so cute". It struck a chord in me. And it made me feel... sick. And I hated that it made me feel sick. I hated everything that it made me feel. I actually felt...really on edge. I wasn't exactly sure which part made me feel the way I did. That someone else possibly wanted him? That the someone else was Kaitlin, a friend of mine? That because nobody knows about us, anyone could think they have a chance with him? That we aren't even really an "us" so he could actually do whatever he wanted and I couldn't do anything about it? Or how bout the fact that I was feeling nervous, and sick, and realizing that he now actually has the power to hurt me. Maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Either way, last night it reached a peak. Kaitlin asked TJ to pick her up from a bar, and grab a drink with her elsewhere. She wanted to hang out, outside of work. TJ felt really awkward about it, because of the entire situation. It made me more and more nervous. I couldn't tell him what to do, or what to say. I asked if he was going to go. I prayed he would say no. He said he would probably go, just to see once and for all if she wanted to be more than friends. I wanted to throw up. I now had to face something I feared. Trust. He had just told me the previous night about his shitty past, esPECIALLY when it came to drinking. Now I had to put myself out there, my nerves, my heart, my trust...and hope.. hope, that he wouldn't hurt me. That he wouldn't go, get drunk, makeout with her. That he wouldn't hurt me. He couldn't have been better to me about it. He texted me on the way there, both saying "I feel weird doing this" and "this is stupid" and then almost the entire time he was with her, every few minutes. I couldn't have really asked for better contact from something I felt so insecure about. But it really bothered me all around that I was feeling strong enough about him to let myself get hurt.
He left her, to come home and hang out with me. It made me feel a little better, but not entirely. We talked. He said she didn't act any different than at work.... but that she had also messaged him after he left, asking if he wanted to hang out later. That bothered me. He turned her down, but that wasn't the last of it. When I got home, I got a text from her, saying she'd gotten rejected. She then went on to down herself, complaining and depressing about this guy she had just gotten rejected from. She didn't say it was TJ, but I knew. And it was awkward. I couldn't tell her that I knew, and I felt lilke an asshole either way. It felt really unfair that she was confiding in me about the guy who turned her down, the guy I was seeing. And have TJ and I know, and have her be in the dark. I felt like an asshole.
It was draining and kept me on edge most of the night. It made me wonder what the point of all of this secrecy is. I've never had to be so careful about something like this. I've never had to hide anyone or lie to anyone. It made me wonder if it's really worth the complications it's causing.
I immediately zoomed over to endicott to help Luke move in. Funny fact. Luke's new appartment, is DIRECTLY acrossed the street from Michael's house. So fun.. They even parked the trailer and truck where I used to park when I'd go to his house. Yeah. So I was like "Anything I can do INSIDE?" I helped unpack books and dishes, and wiped down all of his wooden furniture. I felt semi-helpful. I was more excited than he was though. It's a cute place..small, but the rooms are really spacious. The bedroom is huge. And I couldn't help myself as I walked around in there, to picture how I would live there. How I would arrange the furniture, what color I would paint the walls. I felt so excited, and yet...so envious. bleh.
From there I went over to Rene's for dinner with Jeff. That was... weird. I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what to think of Rene. She's so wonderful and heartwarming and creative. But she's almost toooo out there sometimes. I feel such a lack of structure with her, because she's so into letting people grow creatively and do what they want. Sometimes I want...no. All the time, I want structure. If we're doing a project, I like to have everything planned so I feel organized and prepared and ready. Not that Rene isn't those things, I'm sure she is. But I just have a hard time understanding sometimes, what she's picturing or what exactly she wants from me. I mean, Jeff and I were there for about 2 and a half hours last night, and I left still not entirely sure what it is that we're doing. I don't know if it's just a film, if it's a dance stories show. I also didn't know that this wasn't going to be needed until June of 2013. 2013! I don't even know where I'll be in 6 months, let alone a whole year from now. Eeesh.
I had plans with Adam Ash last night, but at Rene's I started to feel very tired, and a bit achey. I didn't feel like I did much to help Luke move, but perhaps just the busy day was enough to bother my back. So I made the decision to text him, and tell him I wasn't feeling up to hanging. He was okay with it.
This is where my night gets a little lame. I was relaxing in my room, when I got a text from TJ. A text saying that Kaitlin messaged him again. She added him on facebook a little while ago, which caused me to have a dream about the two of them. A stupid dream. However, weird universal connections happen, and strangely since my dream, more things have come about. She messaged him one night, telling him that she wished he could make her laugh right then. He found it unusual, and had told me about every time she's said something to him since then. He didn't want to assume she liked him, and kept wanting a fellow chicks imput. And to be honest, I couldn't tell either way. Friday, she had told me at school that TJ was being obnoxious, but that he was lucky that he was "so cute". It struck a chord in me. And it made me feel... sick. And I hated that it made me feel sick. I hated everything that it made me feel. I actually felt...really on edge. I wasn't exactly sure which part made me feel the way I did. That someone else possibly wanted him? That the someone else was Kaitlin, a friend of mine? That because nobody knows about us, anyone could think they have a chance with him? That we aren't even really an "us" so he could actually do whatever he wanted and I couldn't do anything about it? Or how bout the fact that I was feeling nervous, and sick, and realizing that he now actually has the power to hurt me. Maybe it was a combination of all of the above. Either way, last night it reached a peak. Kaitlin asked TJ to pick her up from a bar, and grab a drink with her elsewhere. She wanted to hang out, outside of work. TJ felt really awkward about it, because of the entire situation. It made me more and more nervous. I couldn't tell him what to do, or what to say. I asked if he was going to go. I prayed he would say no. He said he would probably go, just to see once and for all if she wanted to be more than friends. I wanted to throw up. I now had to face something I feared. Trust. He had just told me the previous night about his shitty past, esPECIALLY when it came to drinking. Now I had to put myself out there, my nerves, my heart, my trust...and hope.. hope, that he wouldn't hurt me. That he wouldn't go, get drunk, makeout with her. That he wouldn't hurt me. He couldn't have been better to me about it. He texted me on the way there, both saying "I feel weird doing this" and "this is stupid" and then almost the entire time he was with her, every few minutes. I couldn't have really asked for better contact from something I felt so insecure about. But it really bothered me all around that I was feeling strong enough about him to let myself get hurt.
He left her, to come home and hang out with me. It made me feel a little better, but not entirely. We talked. He said she didn't act any different than at work.... but that she had also messaged him after he left, asking if he wanted to hang out later. That bothered me. He turned her down, but that wasn't the last of it. When I got home, I got a text from her, saying she'd gotten rejected. She then went on to down herself, complaining and depressing about this guy she had just gotten rejected from. She didn't say it was TJ, but I knew. And it was awkward. I couldn't tell her that I knew, and I felt lilke an asshole either way. It felt really unfair that she was confiding in me about the guy who turned her down, the guy I was seeing. And have TJ and I know, and have her be in the dark. I felt like an asshole.
It was draining and kept me on edge most of the night. It made me wonder what the point of all of this secrecy is. I've never had to be so careful about something like this. I've never had to hide anyone or lie to anyone. It made me wonder if it's really worth the complications it's causing.