Wild Horses
...couldn't drag me away..
I heard that song today. It was a song that I listened to, a lot, about a year ago. Its an old song that I first found in a movie. It struck a chord in me, a desperate surrender of my heart. It has very specific memories and connotations attached to it, and because of this, I haven't listened to it very much at all since then. But I did today. It immediately brought back so many thoughts and feelings.
It's kind of insane how different I am from even just a year ago. It's pretty crazy just by itself how quickly all of these emotions flew back to me. At the same time, I now met them with peace instead of heartache, neutrality instead of confusion, and acceptance instead of dispair.
It's not often at all that I actually want to talk about him. There are far more interesting and relevant things going on in my life right now. TJ. Andy. Batman and all it's surrounding glory. But I actually feel like reflecting. It's taken a very long time to be able to look at anything having to do with him, without feeling intense pain and anger.
Tomorrow is the Fair. We go every year, and every year its haneous for one reason or another. Last year on this night, my nerves were on edge and my stomach was in my throat. But it had nothing to do with school. I was going crazy in my own silence, wondering what tomorrow would bring. I knew I'd see him, and indeed, I ended up seeing him almost all day. It was wonderful and horrible for natural reasons. I loved it, and I hated it because I loved it. But it got us talking. It was the spark to trip the wire. We kept in touch, hung out a few times. He made one comment that sent me into a rage, and I cut him off. A week later, he left for school, and a week after that, he started reaching out to me again, relentlessly. He wanted me back, and he got me. People always seem to feel this need to learn things for themselves. I've warned people before of dangerous circumstances, and have been ignored. And on this occassion, I did the very thing. Ignorance. I had to learn for myself. And I did. I paid for it, in countless ways, some in which I'll probably never grasp or fully recover from.
But that was then. The last time we talked was in April. It's the longest we've gone without any communication. I used to think it was heartbreaking if we didn't go more than a couple of days without talking. Resiliance. It's a precious feeling that you have to embrace fully. A glorious feeling to feel like you've reached the light at the end of a tunnel that seemed to go on forever. It's like stepping into the sunlight, the ray of hope that filters down. And when you look back, you can't believe you were ever so low about someone who seems so unimportant now.
There are times when I wonder how he is. I feel like I'm doing well about him, about what happened, and about where I've ended up. I have some pretty special and unexpected people in my life now. People I would never give up for him. But I do wonder. I've heard things, that perhaps he isn't as well. But that is his life, and any decision he's made has brought him to where he is. It's hard to find sympathy for him, in whatever unfortune finds him. I sometimes wish I could, because many people--even while "over" their ex's--still wish them well, and want them to be happy. I used to say that "I'm just not there yet", but by now, I don't know that I will really ever feel that. The way things happened, burned me to such depths that they just feel dead to me. Like your hands in the winter, when their frozen and you start to lose the feeling in your fingertips. They're still there, skin, bones, nerves. But you don't feel anything.
I heard that song today. It was a song that I listened to, a lot, about a year ago. Its an old song that I first found in a movie. It struck a chord in me, a desperate surrender of my heart. It has very specific memories and connotations attached to it, and because of this, I haven't listened to it very much at all since then. But I did today. It immediately brought back so many thoughts and feelings.
It's kind of insane how different I am from even just a year ago. It's pretty crazy just by itself how quickly all of these emotions flew back to me. At the same time, I now met them with peace instead of heartache, neutrality instead of confusion, and acceptance instead of dispair.
It's not often at all that I actually want to talk about him. There are far more interesting and relevant things going on in my life right now. TJ. Andy. Batman and all it's surrounding glory. But I actually feel like reflecting. It's taken a very long time to be able to look at anything having to do with him, without feeling intense pain and anger.
Tomorrow is the Fair. We go every year, and every year its haneous for one reason or another. Last year on this night, my nerves were on edge and my stomach was in my throat. But it had nothing to do with school. I was going crazy in my own silence, wondering what tomorrow would bring. I knew I'd see him, and indeed, I ended up seeing him almost all day. It was wonderful and horrible for natural reasons. I loved it, and I hated it because I loved it. But it got us talking. It was the spark to trip the wire. We kept in touch, hung out a few times. He made one comment that sent me into a rage, and I cut him off. A week later, he left for school, and a week after that, he started reaching out to me again, relentlessly. He wanted me back, and he got me. People always seem to feel this need to learn things for themselves. I've warned people before of dangerous circumstances, and have been ignored. And on this occassion, I did the very thing. Ignorance. I had to learn for myself. And I did. I paid for it, in countless ways, some in which I'll probably never grasp or fully recover from.
But that was then. The last time we talked was in April. It's the longest we've gone without any communication. I used to think it was heartbreaking if we didn't go more than a couple of days without talking. Resiliance. It's a precious feeling that you have to embrace fully. A glorious feeling to feel like you've reached the light at the end of a tunnel that seemed to go on forever. It's like stepping into the sunlight, the ray of hope that filters down. And when you look back, you can't believe you were ever so low about someone who seems so unimportant now.
There are times when I wonder how he is. I feel like I'm doing well about him, about what happened, and about where I've ended up. I have some pretty special and unexpected people in my life now. People I would never give up for him. But I do wonder. I've heard things, that perhaps he isn't as well. But that is his life, and any decision he's made has brought him to where he is. It's hard to find sympathy for him, in whatever unfortune finds him. I sometimes wish I could, because many people--even while "over" their ex's--still wish them well, and want them to be happy. I used to say that "I'm just not there yet", but by now, I don't know that I will really ever feel that. The way things happened, burned me to such depths that they just feel dead to me. Like your hands in the winter, when their frozen and you start to lose the feeling in your fingertips. They're still there, skin, bones, nerves. But you don't feel anything.