Sunlight kills you
Congratulations to me. I woke up feeling kinda gross, and it wasn't really because I got 5 hours of sleep.
It's the first time that I actually feel... wrong, about this. I really don't think I can keep seeing them both. Especially seeing them so close together.
Andy's was fun, but not as exciting or crazy as I wanted it to be. It had to do with not going over until 10pm, but still. When I left, I wanted to see TJ so badly that I didn't even care that it was 1:30 in the morning. It was a time well spent, but we had a chat that left me feeling really...uncomfortable, with myself.
TJ told me that at this point, he's all in. He's aware that I'm still seeing other people, but that our places have switched, and he is positive that he's into this more than I am. That really threw me off. He's the one thats not really into relationships, or taking the time to properly get in them. He's the one that has random trists with people without knowing their names. I'm the one that dives in head first, I'm the one that goes from "Hi, What's your Name?" to "I wonder if I could marry you, let me plan our wedding and name our unborns". It's such a strange feeling to have it be the other way around. And it really is. I believe him when he says that he's more invested. His behavior and his way about things, is changing right in front of me on a slow but daily basis. And I still feel unsure, but content with how things are.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't growing stronger feelings for him. I feel very much infatuated right now.. that crazy "I gotta see you tonight--No, Right Now" feeling is there. When I see him in the halls at school, I feel my stomach jump and all I want to do is stare at him and throw flirty eye contact across the way. He told me that he's glad we aren't in the same room, because it would be too much. I agreed, saying we'd probably see too much of each other, get sick of one another, etc... He told me No, he meant that it would be impossible to be around me that much and not show any kind of signal that things were going on between us. That sometimes its even hard now. That worried me. Half because I feel that way too. It's getting harder and harder to pretend like nothings going on. The other half really doesn't want anyone to know. For obvious reasons that include Eileen and consequently Andrew, but also Liz. We talked the other night about my feelings toward Liz. I really loved being in her room this year. I had a great time with the staff, and the students are perfect to work with. I really want to stay in her room this fall...like Really want to. And as selfish as it sounds, I don't want Liz to know about TJ and I because I highly doubt that she'll keep us both in the same room if she knows we're something. I don't blame her for that at all. Who wants 2 of their aides dating each other? It was weird enough the last 2 days of school. And as much as I know Liz loves me...having a male aide is so beyond helpful, that if she had to chose between TJ and myself, I think I'd be the one in a different room. TJ said if we make it until the fall, he will offer to be transferred, because he knows how much I love that room.
The worst part of this isn't even TJ... it's with my bipolar, on off way of feeling. Because for all I just wrote about what I great time I had, and how much things TJ are growing on me.. I know fully well that I'm going to go to Andrew's tonight, and I'm going to feel everything that I feel for him, and be super into him. I'm sure I'll even have moments where I won't even think of TJ. Andrew is my baby. He's done so much for me, and he's waited so patiently, so strengthfully even in times when I wasn't even sure I wanted to see him. It makes me feel weak that the one time he pulls his feelings back, I want to leave and go be with someone else. Weak as fuck. It makes me feel... gross.