|| I MIGHT BE HERE A WHILE ||
*Blows the dust off*
I had my monthly visit with my psychiatrist on Wednesday - I'm doing really really well - and I mentioned to him that I used to blog regularly, but that it had become too hard because of brain fog. He immediately ordered me to start blogging again, not only because it would be an "excellent tool for appropriate catharsis" (lol, obviously I have adequately conveyed the depths of irrational guilt I have over everything), but that it would also be a good way for me to work on my executive functioning skills. That's organizational and attention skills, for those not in the know. Mine have really suffered over the past ten years, mostly due to the various medications I've taken for bipolar disorder. They are a catch 22 -- I need them to, you know, not die from depression, but they take their toll in other ways, big time. For many years I was just in a constant fog. I didn't write, I didn't blog, I didn't participate in any Harry Potter Q&A at Stack Exchange, I didn't read, I didn't socialize, and I didn't do anything to get better except to take my meds. However, I finally seem to have found a meds cocktail that works on my bipolar, but doesn't impair my executive functioning. Over the past two months things have consistently improved for me - like I said, I feel really good. So, here I am, following my psychiatrist's order to blog, although who knows how rusty I am at it. I wanted to ask him how often I was supposed to blog, but I decided not to. I'd like it to be more of an organic experience - I'll post when I feel like it. I went over my prior entries and I'd estimate I blogged about two to fifteen times per month. I think I can handle that.
I don't know if I'll ever write fic again, but I was thinking down the line I might be able to participate in drabble competitions. 100 word drabbles - something like that. We'll see how it goes. There has been new canon since I last posted - too bad I don't like it, but what are you going to do? You don't have to like a situation or character in canon in order to write it in fanfic or in a drabble?
Hey, can someone tell me how to edit a post when the editing tools aren't appearing alongside the post? I know "edit" is the pencil, but it shows up in some of the posts, but not in others. I checked and I am definitely logged in. What kind of hand-wavey woo woo thing do I have to do to get the editing tools to appear on my post? I just want to fix a few typos and check the URLs on some YouTube videos.
So, since we last saw each other ...
We bought a house in what would be considered mid to south Denver. It's a cute bungalow-style house with 4 BD, 2 BA, a sunroom, a larger home office area, a finished basement, a pretty large laundry room, and the ugliest kitchen I have ever seen - the cabinets are metal and have been painted a deep army green. The flooring is a plain tile, which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't a faded apricot-ish color. The Walls are tiled in heavy earth-toned uneven tiles, and the appliances are black and stainless steel. The kitchen is an "L" shape. And seeing as my appliances are all a nice bright red, it all makes for a level of hideousness that is truly impressive.
Ugh, so ugly! Our bathroom, sunroom, and the upstairs office are also done in the same earth toned tiles -- who likes earth tones that much? On the flip side, we did get to paint the top floor and I picked a really warm color for that: Killim Beige by Sherwin Williams. The swatch below is very close to the actual color - it looks great on the walls and isn't earthy, but is still fairly neutral. It's very sunny and I like it a lot.
The house is a little small, though. For example, I literally cannot get my dressers in the bedroom - they're currently in the living room. I plan to purge my clothes until I've parred down to the bare necessities. I can't keep my dressers in the living room and I'm not about to become a hoarder and keep the wrong furniture and items in the wrong room. It makes me feel like things aren't just so. Ha, this reminds me of Marie Kondo and her organization methods. I do have both her books and for the most part I think she has decent ideas (although I admit I'm not sure how I feel about thanking every item I'm purging - I suppose there's no harm in it if it's an item that's special but needs to go anyway). I received another organizing book called More Is Less. I don't like it as much as I like Marie Kondo's books. I admit I find Marie's effusiveness and total love for what she does to be very infectious; the other book lacks that.
So my aunt Shari died about ten days ago. In life, she had been a very loud and in-your-face kind of a woman, but not in a negative way. She just always had something to say and because my uncle talks constantly, she had to talk over him in order to be heard. She was a very large woman with a perpetual frown, although she was actually very kind. Because of all this, as a child I nicknamed her Aunt Scary. She genuinely intimidated me. Anyway, she was my mother's sister and I was really surprised when I pried it out of my mother that she would not be going to Washington for the funeral. I pressed the issue and it turns out my mother doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to pay $500 to travel (she can more than afford it) and she doesn't want to reschedule some appointments or miss a couple of engagements. I have to admit I was really taken aback and a bit offended on my aunt's behalf. I asked her what she would be missing that was more important than her sister's funeral, and Mom said she'd be missing two doctor appointments, a play, and the symphony. I was kind of pissed! She went on to say:
MOM : I'm sending flowers.
ME : Mom, the family doesn't want flowers. It's in the obituary.
MOM : What obituary?
ME : It's online! I read it last night and it specifically requests no flowers. Shari wanted donations to go to the local fire department.
MOM: If it's online I don't know if I'll be able to find it.
ME : Oh, come on! You know how to Google.
Now my mother also is a very kind and caring woman - no, really, she is. That's why I was so surprised she won't be going to the funeral. Of course there's more to the story.
My grandparents adopted Shari when my mother was seven. Shari came from a difficult background and suffered from dyslexia. She was a difficult kid from the get go. School was super difficult for her. She was disobedient and aggressive. On the other hand, my mother was a self professed "goody-two-shoes" who was shy and sensitive. She made straight As and was Valedictorian of her high school class, and she went to college. Shari got pregnant when she was sixteen and gave that baby up for adoption, which was undoubtedly hard. My grandparents devoted all their time to Shari - she was constantly in crisis. And after so many years of being ignored, my mother was left nursing a pretty hard core grudge.
Shari turned her life around after she had that baby as a teenager, and she went on to marry my uncle who treated her kindly, and she had my three cousins and raised them well. Over the years she would make overtures to my mom, and while I wouldn't say my mom outright rejected her, she accepted Shari's attempts to bridge the gap as coldly as possible without being outright rude. And, man, was she disdainful. Like, once Shari made my mom a scrapbook and it was clear she had worked really hard on it. My mom kept it, but later told me that she thought it was silly or looked like a filled in coloring book or something like that. Yeah, my mom had some issues with her sister. Personally, I think she transferred her deep anger, resentment, and pain she felt because of my grandparents to Shari, and just can't get past it. She's extremely non-confrontational. But during those years that Mom most developed her resentments Shari was only a child. Even sixteen is still a child. Plus, Shari had been learning disabled. I'm just sad that Mom can't let go of her grudge for Shari in order to attend her funeral.
I really wish she would go.
So, that's it for now. I'll be seeing you all soon, though. Oh, and I have made it a goal to do my best to answer comments.
I had my monthly visit with my psychiatrist on Wednesday - I'm doing really really well - and I mentioned to him that I used to blog regularly, but that it had become too hard because of brain fog. He immediately ordered me to start blogging again, not only because it would be an "excellent tool for appropriate catharsis" (lol, obviously I have adequately conveyed the depths of irrational guilt I have over everything), but that it would also be a good way for me to work on my executive functioning skills. That's organizational and attention skills, for those not in the know. Mine have really suffered over the past ten years, mostly due to the various medications I've taken for bipolar disorder. They are a catch 22 -- I need them to, you know, not die from depression, but they take their toll in other ways, big time. For many years I was just in a constant fog. I didn't write, I didn't blog, I didn't participate in any Harry Potter Q&A at Stack Exchange, I didn't read, I didn't socialize, and I didn't do anything to get better except to take my meds. However, I finally seem to have found a meds cocktail that works on my bipolar, but doesn't impair my executive functioning. Over the past two months things have consistently improved for me - like I said, I feel really good. So, here I am, following my psychiatrist's order to blog, although who knows how rusty I am at it. I wanted to ask him how often I was supposed to blog, but I decided not to. I'd like it to be more of an organic experience - I'll post when I feel like it. I went over my prior entries and I'd estimate I blogged about two to fifteen times per month. I think I can handle that.
I don't know if I'll ever write fic again, but I was thinking down the line I might be able to participate in drabble competitions. 100 word drabbles - something like that. We'll see how it goes. There has been new canon since I last posted - too bad I don't like it, but what are you going to do? You don't have to like a situation or character in canon in order to write it in fanfic or in a drabble?
Hey, can someone tell me how to edit a post when the editing tools aren't appearing alongside the post? I know "edit" is the pencil, but it shows up in some of the posts, but not in others. I checked and I am definitely logged in. What kind of hand-wavey woo woo thing do I have to do to get the editing tools to appear on my post? I just want to fix a few typos and check the URLs on some YouTube videos.
So, since we last saw each other ...
We bought a house in what would be considered mid to south Denver. It's a cute bungalow-style house with 4 BD, 2 BA, a sunroom, a larger home office area, a finished basement, a pretty large laundry room, and the ugliest kitchen I have ever seen - the cabinets are metal and have been painted a deep army green. The flooring is a plain tile, which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't a faded apricot-ish color. The Walls are tiled in heavy earth-toned uneven tiles, and the appliances are black and stainless steel. The kitchen is an "L" shape. And seeing as my appliances are all a nice bright red, it all makes for a level of hideousness that is truly impressive.
Ugh, so ugly! Our bathroom, sunroom, and the upstairs office are also done in the same earth toned tiles -- who likes earth tones that much? On the flip side, we did get to paint the top floor and I picked a really warm color for that: Killim Beige by Sherwin Williams. The swatch below is very close to the actual color - it looks great on the walls and isn't earthy, but is still fairly neutral. It's very sunny and I like it a lot.
The house is a little small, though. For example, I literally cannot get my dressers in the bedroom - they're currently in the living room. I plan to purge my clothes until I've parred down to the bare necessities. I can't keep my dressers in the living room and I'm not about to become a hoarder and keep the wrong furniture and items in the wrong room. It makes me feel like things aren't just so. Ha, this reminds me of Marie Kondo and her organization methods. I do have both her books and for the most part I think she has decent ideas (although I admit I'm not sure how I feel about thanking every item I'm purging - I suppose there's no harm in it if it's an item that's special but needs to go anyway). I received another organizing book called More Is Less. I don't like it as much as I like Marie Kondo's books. I admit I find Marie's effusiveness and total love for what she does to be very infectious; the other book lacks that.
So my aunt Shari died about ten days ago. In life, she had been a very loud and in-your-face kind of a woman, but not in a negative way. She just always had something to say and because my uncle talks constantly, she had to talk over him in order to be heard. She was a very large woman with a perpetual frown, although she was actually very kind. Because of all this, as a child I nicknamed her Aunt Scary. She genuinely intimidated me. Anyway, she was my mother's sister and I was really surprised when I pried it out of my mother that she would not be going to Washington for the funeral. I pressed the issue and it turns out my mother doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to pay $500 to travel (she can more than afford it) and she doesn't want to reschedule some appointments or miss a couple of engagements. I have to admit I was really taken aback and a bit offended on my aunt's behalf. I asked her what she would be missing that was more important than her sister's funeral, and Mom said she'd be missing two doctor appointments, a play, and the symphony. I was kind of pissed! She went on to say:
MOM : I'm sending flowers.
ME : Mom, the family doesn't want flowers. It's in the obituary.
MOM : What obituary?
ME : It's online! I read it last night and it specifically requests no flowers. Shari wanted donations to go to the local fire department.
MOM: If it's online I don't know if I'll be able to find it.
ME : Oh, come on! You know how to Google.
Now my mother also is a very kind and caring woman - no, really, she is. That's why I was so surprised she won't be going to the funeral. Of course there's more to the story.
My grandparents adopted Shari when my mother was seven. Shari came from a difficult background and suffered from dyslexia. She was a difficult kid from the get go. School was super difficult for her. She was disobedient and aggressive. On the other hand, my mother was a self professed "goody-two-shoes" who was shy and sensitive. She made straight As and was Valedictorian of her high school class, and she went to college. Shari got pregnant when she was sixteen and gave that baby up for adoption, which was undoubtedly hard. My grandparents devoted all their time to Shari - she was constantly in crisis. And after so many years of being ignored, my mother was left nursing a pretty hard core grudge.
Shari turned her life around after she had that baby as a teenager, and she went on to marry my uncle who treated her kindly, and she had my three cousins and raised them well. Over the years she would make overtures to my mom, and while I wouldn't say my mom outright rejected her, she accepted Shari's attempts to bridge the gap as coldly as possible without being outright rude. And, man, was she disdainful. Like, once Shari made my mom a scrapbook and it was clear she had worked really hard on it. My mom kept it, but later told me that she thought it was silly or looked like a filled in coloring book or something like that. Yeah, my mom had some issues with her sister. Personally, I think she transferred her deep anger, resentment, and pain she felt because of my grandparents to Shari, and just can't get past it. She's extremely non-confrontational. But during those years that Mom most developed her resentments Shari was only a child. Even sixteen is still a child. Plus, Shari had been learning disabled. I'm just sad that Mom can't let go of her grudge for Shari in order to attend her funeral.
I really wish she would go.
So, that's it for now. I'll be seeing you all soon, though. Oh, and I have made it a goal to do my best to answer comments.