Another Day
Today might not seem like anything special but it's the day I decided to return to LJ. Okay, that's a lie. I've been plotting this for a couple weeks now but just today found the time. Anyone remember me?! Yeah, I didn't think so. That's okay though. Mostly I just want to start writing about me again. And if someone actually decides to take the time to read this? Well then, that's an added bonus.
I completely went through all my old entries and had a really hard time deciding if I should delete them, start a completely new journal, or just move forward. In the end I went with the last option (well, obviously =D ). This is still going to be a lot about food, weight, ed's, etc. and that's what this was to begin with. I'm in a much better place now (loads more on that later) but it's all part of the same. On the other hand, there's a bunch of other stuff going on in my life now too so I'm going to be writing about it all.
I went through and dropped all the communities I was a part of before. Then I wanted to post my stats and see other people's and look at pictures of skinny 15-year-olds. Now, not so much. I think that's happily behind me. I debated on my friend's list but I left it alone. You guys all gave me so much support before. If you want to keep me as your friend feel free to! If this is no longer your thing, I won't be at all offended if you drop me and thank you for listening before. Plus I'm sure most of my friends did what I did and dropped off of LJ and won't ever see this!
Man, I'm sure even fewer people are actually reading this part but what the hell. I just said this was for me, right?
I think it was reading the DietGirl blog that made me itching to get back here. That and a recent determintation to change some food/weight things but again, more on that bit later. Anyhow, I chugged my way through her entire archives and it just made me remember how much I enjoyed having a place to talk about me, vent when I needed to, write my acheivements. She's an awesome writer, BTW, and I wish I was half as witty and funny as her!
So, I can't believe the last time I wrote was August 2007 and it's almost a year and a half later now. At the time I was living with my parents, had no job, and no boyfriend. And it sucked! The only good thing about it was the hours I was able to spend in the gym daily because I had nothing else going on.
Since then (and here I'll try to summarize in roughly chromological order, I'm sure more details will come out in later entries) I moved to the East Bay and in with a friend from high school that I lived with in college. Through her I met a boy (henceforth known as 'The BF'... squeee!). I went to Israel on a group trip, met another boy, had a fling, and made some amazing friends. I came back sicker than I've been in years but oh well. Then, after months of searching and rejection I got my dream job doing biological research with a pharmaceutical company in SF. I love it, crazy boss and all, though I'm sure I will complain about it in many, many entries. I started dating the BF and fell in love (we're moving in together!), I went to NYC to visit friends from the Israel trip, and was a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding in Chicago. Of course I dragged the BF. I just got through my first Thanksgiving and Xmas with his family. Now I'm starting on my first full year, both with him and in this job.
I' ve gained and lost probably the same 10lbs for over a year now. I don't know what I weight at the moment since it's was before I posted here last, last time I weighed. I would guess about 140lbs? At 5'9" it's not great but somedays I'm fine with it. On the other hand, sometimes I'm not. I think I will always struggle with this but having someone who thinks I'm incredibly beautiful and sexy does wonders. And surprise, surprise I told him all of my issues early on. Okay, not all (I didn't want to run him off!) but a lot. Certainly more than anyone else knows. He was so confused as to why I would badmouth my stomach and tense up the second he touched it and it was just the right time for him to know. Sometimes he gets it and someimes not but I try not to lie about this stuff to him, though it happens.
I look back at the journal entries from when I was 21/22 and it's a little scary what a horrible place I was in. I want to give the me then a hug and explain that it will get better. One thing that stuck out is the entry where I said I starving myself was the only thing I felt like I was good at. *Shudder* Scary, no? Admittedly, that's something I still think I'm good at and I get a sick sense of pride when I do it but at least now I know I'm more than an ED.
Of course, I have my bad days but you know. One day at a time.
At the moment I'm eating 1 meal a day (dinner since I almost always eat with the BF) on weekdays and as little as I can get away with on weekends when I'm generally with people a lot more. I'm not weighing myself, measuring food, or tracking calories - a big thing for me! But I do want to get back into some of the clothes that I used to wear and feel better about my body when I look in the mirror. And to me that means being skinnier, unfortunately.
Anyways, I'm off now. I have a couple work things to finish up and then I'm off to meet a friend for Happy Hour and celebrate it being FRIDAY. I think there was more I wanted to write but if I remember I'll stick it in later entries.
More soon (not 17+ months later, promise).