Hoping weather doesn't keep me here....
Today and yesterday were rough. I saw my grandmother at the wake and had to turn away immediately. I went up there later and I could have sworn I saw her breathing...wishful thinking I guess, but Tanya and mom say they saw it too. It was probably the fact that the caretaker Brady did a really good job w/ the makeup and whatever. Then today when I grabbed her hand when final goodbyes are said I could have sworn I felt life under my hands...again wishful thinking. Just like with my mom. It was really cold here today, and tomorrow I'm supposed to fly back to North Carolina. They're calling for snow in Minneapolis (my connection city) so I don't know when exactly I'll be back. Not that it matters much but I'd really rather now miss a day of school. I love being out here w/ my family, but not for this reason. I just can't miss anymore school. I'm really really really worried about statistics....I'm afraid that I'm not going to do well on the test next week. I'm really worried about it. About everything and anything. I really need counseling..but I'm going to be broke for quite awhile, as in barely making payments and getting groceries. No going out to eat or movies or anything for me for at least until after Christmas. Not that I have much of a social life to begin with. If only I were more like Tanya....she's beautiful, and has so many friends. But I guess I'm too unapproachable and I'm a bitch...and grandma dying hasn't helped. That's how it goes I suppose. You know, this journal was for venting, but I had hoped people would read it and respond. Only two people that I know of ever read it. Figures. But on the other hand, it is more for me to vent too. I'm just in an odd mood. That's to be expected I guess. As worried as I am about school, I honestly want to just finish this semester. Somehow or other. I would like to not fail. I'm just not sure at this point. I do know that I'm going to end up being more of a hermit than I already am. Im going to have to study my ass off to catch back up on what I've missed.
I know whoever reads this journal, especially the last entry will probably say oh God get over yourself. In response to that I say screw you. We are all stuck on ourselves. That's just the way humans are. We are selfish. As I mentioned earlier, I'm just typing out what I think about during the day. This is my journal since I don't write in a paper journal. Which I'm probably going to switch to soon. I'm babbling. I should really just stop typing. I'm just scared, confused, and worried....and I have to have some way to get it out, since I'm not sure what I'm going to do about counseling yet. When I said goodbye to grandpa tonight, I told him to hang in there and that I want to see him at Christmas and he better hang around, and that I couldn't loose anyone else. He cried and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I've got to be sure to call him more often to check in on him. Anyways, Tanya wanted to use the computer and I need to get a shower since I'll be up at 8 a.m. again. Goodbye for now...
~Tia
I know whoever reads this journal, especially the last entry will probably say oh God get over yourself. In response to that I say screw you. We are all stuck on ourselves. That's just the way humans are. We are selfish. As I mentioned earlier, I'm just typing out what I think about during the day. This is my journal since I don't write in a paper journal. Which I'm probably going to switch to soon. I'm babbling. I should really just stop typing. I'm just scared, confused, and worried....and I have to have some way to get it out, since I'm not sure what I'm going to do about counseling yet. When I said goodbye to grandpa tonight, I told him to hang in there and that I want to see him at Christmas and he better hang around, and that I couldn't loose anyone else. He cried and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I've got to be sure to call him more often to check in on him. Anyways, Tanya wanted to use the computer and I need to get a shower since I'll be up at 8 a.m. again. Goodbye for now...
~Tia