long time no write...

[slurpthesoup]

You know, this is so strange. I feel completely comfortable here, yet i still have problems sleeping. Its like im subconciously afraid that if i fall asleep i wont ever wake up. People say thats a side effect of panic disorder, and i know this...but knowing doesnt help for some reason. The fact that my boyfriend is here to comfort me doesnt help for some reason... the only thing that eases my mind is knowing ill be home soon. In my comfort zone just like i used to be. i think even then though im scared that that zone is drifting away far too fast. i wont be able to call it home for much longer...and that scares me. a lot. but im here nonetheless at 215 in the morning writing in the old LJ as if it will help. but i havent put my thoughts on paper in a while, so who knows...maybe it will help. im supposed to be keeping an ongoing journal of my sleeping habits and strange thoughts and what i think of them. but i havent been doing that. its like now, wayyyy unlike before, im scared to admit everything that bothers me, even though i know no one will ever know it but myself. and like i said, it never used to be this way. i feel as if im working my ass off and have nothing to show for it. maybe thats whats wrong...i feel inadequate in a lot of ways. very insecure without the boundaries of my life the way it used to be. i miss my dad most of all. i never see him and hes across the country. but when i visit, i feel like im home again. like i am complete. he takes such good care of me from far away, but that only makes me wish he were here even more. and it hurts inside. in order to compensate for the void im feeling in that area, ive taken on the task of improving my relationship with my mother. all of these medical problems have helped, ironically enough, and im feeling a lot better about our situation. i talk to her almost every day. thats weird because i didnt even do that when i was at home. but it comforts me all the same. just a familiar voice. she came to visit me even, and that just improved everything so much...i like enjoying my mom so much...it makes me feel like im not such a bad daughter after all. and then theres bethany...shes in japan and i miss her even though i never see her anyway... its strange like i can feel the fact that she is far away.  it hurts, almost. then again, every bad thought hurts lately. physically hurts. my muscles are sore all the time and i feel like i cant escape from illness, regardless of whether it is mental or physical. all of this shit lately has made me feel incomplete too. like something is wrong with me. like something is wrong with my brain. i hate it. it makes me feel sick to think about all of the stuff that is wrong with me lately. i feel alone because i dont think anyone gets it. like no one understands what i mean when i talk about my panic attacks, or describe a pain in my back...i feel like everyone is just shrugging it off, and that makes me do the same. it makes me think that if everyone else says im normal, then i must be. but i dont feel that way. i dont know, im rambling.

to sum it all up: sometimes i just want to scream until i cry and then cry until i sleep....but i dont let myself do that because it makes me think that there is something wrong with me. and for some reason i am adamantly against there ever being something wrong with me. i guess i just want to feel normal.