okay
okay as soon as i was done writing that last entry bout my ex best friend, i wrote an email to her explaining that i didnt want any shit for our problems and she agreed and said she wouldnt tell noone our issues, and that if i have any problems to tell her first and that shell still say hi to me if she sees me in the hallway.
i dont think im ready for this.
i seriously dont. im not ready to move on to a higher level of friendship than what we had. im not ready to give this all up yet. i still wanna make things work. i regret everything. i cant stand myself. i hate me.
i just wish that i could have one more chance. i wont be fucking jealous that she puts her man before me anymore. i wont make a big fucking deal out of everything. i did that just so she would notice how i felt. and it ends up like this.
im not ready to see her in the hallways talking to jenna and sarah and jenna and adam. im not ready to ignore contact with her just so i wont have to accept the fact we're not friends anymore. im just not ready to accept whats been handed to me.. im really not.
i dont know what will happen. i know that im gonna be a wreck after tomorrow or by the end of this week. im so stressed out as it is.
remember when i said im gunna be myself this year? i dont know if i can. i want to. but im just so worried that noone would like ME. and im always used to having no friends and im sick of that. and i want to be me, but im tired of having noone to hang out with on friday nights. or having a social life at all. it sucks.
and i thought 9th grade was my depressed downpoint in life. but i know if everything stays the way it is now, 10th grade is gunna be my most depressive point. i cant stand life. i just cant.
i dont think im ready for this.
i seriously dont. im not ready to move on to a higher level of friendship than what we had. im not ready to give this all up yet. i still wanna make things work. i regret everything. i cant stand myself. i hate me.
i just wish that i could have one more chance. i wont be fucking jealous that she puts her man before me anymore. i wont make a big fucking deal out of everything. i did that just so she would notice how i felt. and it ends up like this.
im not ready to see her in the hallways talking to jenna and sarah and jenna and adam. im not ready to ignore contact with her just so i wont have to accept the fact we're not friends anymore. im just not ready to accept whats been handed to me.. im really not.
i dont know what will happen. i know that im gonna be a wreck after tomorrow or by the end of this week. im so stressed out as it is.
remember when i said im gunna be myself this year? i dont know if i can. i want to. but im just so worried that noone would like ME. and im always used to having no friends and im sick of that. and i want to be me, but im tired of having noone to hang out with on friday nights. or having a social life at all. it sucks.
and i thought 9th grade was my depressed downpoint in life. but i know if everything stays the way it is now, 10th grade is gunna be my most depressive point. i cant stand life. i just cant.