A very long update.
It's been brought to my attention that there's some sort of ridiculous wide-spread novel-writing disease called "Nannyreenoo." Does it work like b-rated muggle horror film zombies, then? If you kill the Nanny that started it, will the mystery-novel writting, cardigan knitting elderly converts all die off?
Lock up your doileys, this hag means buisness.
In any case, although I havent been struck down by this awful plague of Nannyreenoo, I have to admit the thought of writing a novel intrigues me. What kind of novel would I write? Who would buy it? How many babies would I have to sign at the book release party? How much free firewhisky would I recieve?
I assume all answers will come in time, if we shall ever know. However, I can say with some confidence, that I am already quite clear on what my book shall be about.
Me, of course. Is there any subject better?
Now, I figure, Im a very busy, very handsome man. I cant be wasting my time locked up in some attic, scribbling away at parchment, Suffering for My Art and all that nonsense. Im rich enough to have minions doing that kind of thing for me. I'll simply write a guideline, and hire lots of little drones to have at the in-between bits.
THE [SORT OF] AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ONE
SIRIUS ORIEN BLACK
Prologue: Written Lily Potter, in which she confesses her most profound love for the honorable S. Black, and deepest regrets about settling for that lumpy bag of Potter stink.
CHP 1: A Star is Born
In which placentas are disgusting, but puns are alright.
CHP 2: Son of a Bitch
In which our hero scars several governesses for life because my mummy doesnt love me and it causes me to Act Out.
CHP 3: Incest- Dont try it at home
In which the other, less important, less handsome Black brother features.
CHP 4: HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS; What Was That Hat Smoking?
In which our hero has a record-breaking 35 minute sorting.
CHP 5: James Potter and Sirius Black; A Match Made in Hell
In which Hogwarts is doomed.
CHP 6: James Potter and Sirius Black; They Should Fight Crime
In which Filch is Crime, and a bucket of owl dung is Justice.
CHP 7: So This One Time, At Hogwarts?
In which Marauderly bands are formed, and wands go into odd places. [I mean noses, of course.]
CHP 8: James Potter and Sirius Black; Ridiculously Handsome Bastards
In which our hero and his sidekick are ridiculously handsome bastards.
CHP 9: Lessons In Sharing a Bathroom
In which insights and wisdom are shared in regaurds to toothpaste hexes, eating of shampoo, and how having massive BMs while your mate is showering will result in gills on someone's arse.
CHP 10: James Potter and Sirius Black; Still Ridiculously Handsome Bastards
In which our hero and his sidekick continue to be ridiculously handsome bastards.
CHP 11: Thar She Howls
In which a certain dorm-mate is discovered to have What Big Eyes, What Big Ears, and What Big Teeth.
CHP 12: Hair In Funny Places
In which our hero gracefully ascends into manhood, there spots all over James Potter's rear end, and wildly wanking werewolves wander.
CHP 13: McGoogles; A Tartan'd Fount of Passion
In which Professor Minnie McGoogles is stunned by Marauderly manhood, and slavers after our hero.
CHP 14: I Still Dont Know What The Fuck a Bezoar Is
In which there are scholarly pursuits.
CHP 15: James Potter and Sirius Black; Still Better Than You
In which our hero and his sidekick persist in being better than you.
CHP 16: Jammy Trousers
In which there is breakfast in good form.
CHP 17: James Potter Cant Get No Satisfaction
In which James Potter fails at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 18: No, I Will Not Put That Fire Out
In which there are more scholarly pursuits.
CHP 19: Animal House
In which there are antlers and cold noses, and Remus Lupin cries like a big sissy girl's blouse because he's so bloody thrilled with the utter genius presented to him.
CHP 20: Slughorn; No, All Jokes Aside, He's a Fucking Child Molestor
In which our hero will never sleep again.
CHP 21: No More Bloody Sonnets, For The Love of Merlin
In which James Potter continues to fail at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 22: Potterpocolypse
In which our hero is disowned from a madhouse and sent to live in an madder house where there are Hugs and Fuzzy Feelings and Christmas Sweaters and previously unknown Endearing Nicknames [Jimmydumpling].
CHP 23: I Dare You To Eat That Bit, With the Twitchy Crust
In which there are more scholarly pursuits.
CHP 24: Thanks For Kicking the Bucket, Uncle Alphy
In which our hero inherits a shitload of money and purchases a flat.
CHP 25: Professor Sprout's Secret Stash
In which nobody remembers very large chunks of fifth year.
CHP 26: Lily Evans is a Possible Brain Damage Victim
In which the entire bloody world ends, and James Potter doesnt fail at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 27: We Are Goddamned Fucking Geniuses Oh My God
In which there is a map that can insult noses.
CHP 28: Baugettes and Blokes
In which our hero snogs an incoherant French girl a lot while having the most confusing summer of his life.
CHP 29: Vomit Mouth, Kiss Me Again
In which Remus Lupin clears up all confusion, and then throws up.
CHP 30: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 31: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 32: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 33: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 34: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 35: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
In which there is an awful lot of howling.
CHP 36: Lily Evans' Brain Damage Worsens
In which James Potter probably drugs or hexes Lily Evans into agreeing to marry him.
CHP 37: Prongs' Stag Party; A Night I'll Never Remember
In which our hero and his jolly crew embrace 70's stereotypes [and by stereotypes I mean LSD].
CHP 38: Do You Take This Herbivore To Be Your Wife?
In which James Potter has pit-stains and Lily Evans has breakdowns, and somewhere in-between there is a marriage ceremony.
CHP 39: Remus Lupin VS Sirius Black; Its Not My Turn To Do The Goddamned Dishes You Whoreson
In which there is domestic bliss.
CHP 40: HARRY!! HARRY!! HARRY!!
In which a bundle of joy and spit-up graces the world with its prescence.
CHP 41: The Boy Who Never Stopped Pooping
In which there just isnt enough baby powder in the sodding world.
CHP 42: Defiling the Hollow, One Sofa at a Time
In which the mating habits of werewolves are reiterated.
CHP 43: How Many Dog Biscuits Do You Think We Can Feed the Little Bastard?
In which our hero and his beloved babysit.
CHP 44: Things Get Shitty For 12 Years
In which our hero doesnt look good in stripes and becomes skinnier than Celestine Warbeck post-bulimia.
CHP 45: Azkaban; Fuck Y'all and This Pumpkin Pastry Stand
In which our hero books.
CHP 46: On the Run
In which our hero does a great deal of vicarious rat-killing.
CHP 47: HARRY!! HARRY!! HARRY!!
In which our hero meets the Third Year of Gryffindor and a few events transpire.
CHP 48: The Caring and Feeding of Hippogriffs
In which molting becomes a very central part of hero's life.
CHP 49: Lie Low at Lupin's
In which there is respite, with alliteration, no less.
CHP 50: Remus Lupin VS Sirius Black; It is Still Not My Turn To Do The Goddamned Dishes You Fucking Motherfucker
In which there is resumed domestic bliss.
CHP 51: Grimey Grimmauld
In which our hero does a lot of drugs and has lengthy conversations with house elf heads.
CHP 52: Curtains for Sirius Black, Literally
In which our hero meets his end [only, you know, not really].
CHP 53: Like a Screeching Case of Dragon Pox
In which our hero comes back when you least expect it, and the best topical ointment will simply do you no good.
Epilogue: Written by Remus "Animal in the Bedroom" Lupin and Professor "Saucy Knickers" McGoogles, where they confess their undying love for the honorable S. Black.
I will of course be happy to sign copies once they are finished and if I feel like it at the time. I care about you, my adoring public. I really do.
Get the
Fuck Out of the Way Dickens,
Here Comes
The Honorable
S. Black
Edit: Oh, yes. Remus is still inexplicably a hedgehog.
Bad form indeed! Someone isnt getting any alfafa tonight.
Lock up your doileys, this hag means buisness.
In any case, although I havent been struck down by this awful plague of Nannyreenoo, I have to admit the thought of writing a novel intrigues me. What kind of novel would I write? Who would buy it? How many babies would I have to sign at the book release party? How much free firewhisky would I recieve?
I assume all answers will come in time, if we shall ever know. However, I can say with some confidence, that I am already quite clear on what my book shall be about.
Me, of course. Is there any subject better?
Now, I figure, Im a very busy, very handsome man. I cant be wasting my time locked up in some attic, scribbling away at parchment, Suffering for My Art and all that nonsense. Im rich enough to have minions doing that kind of thing for me. I'll simply write a guideline, and hire lots of little drones to have at the in-between bits.
THE [SORT OF] AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ONE
SIRIUS ORIEN BLACK
Prologue: Written Lily Potter, in which she confesses her most profound love for the honorable S. Black, and deepest regrets about settling for that lumpy bag of Potter stink.
CHP 1: A Star is Born
In which placentas are disgusting, but puns are alright.
CHP 2: Son of a Bitch
In which our hero scars several governesses for life because my mummy doesnt love me and it causes me to Act Out.
CHP 3: Incest- Dont try it at home
In which the other, less important, less handsome Black brother features.
CHP 4: HOGGY WARTY HOGWARTS; What Was That Hat Smoking?
In which our hero has a record-breaking 35 minute sorting.
CHP 5: James Potter and Sirius Black; A Match Made in Hell
In which Hogwarts is doomed.
CHP 6: James Potter and Sirius Black; They Should Fight Crime
In which Filch is Crime, and a bucket of owl dung is Justice.
CHP 7: So This One Time, At Hogwarts?
In which Marauderly bands are formed, and wands go into odd places. [I mean noses, of course.]
CHP 8: James Potter and Sirius Black; Ridiculously Handsome Bastards
In which our hero and his sidekick are ridiculously handsome bastards.
CHP 9: Lessons In Sharing a Bathroom
In which insights and wisdom are shared in regaurds to toothpaste hexes, eating of shampoo, and how having massive BMs while your mate is showering will result in gills on someone's arse.
CHP 10: James Potter and Sirius Black; Still Ridiculously Handsome Bastards
In which our hero and his sidekick continue to be ridiculously handsome bastards.
CHP 11: Thar She Howls
In which a certain dorm-mate is discovered to have What Big Eyes, What Big Ears, and What Big Teeth.
CHP 12: Hair In Funny Places
In which our hero gracefully ascends into manhood, there spots all over James Potter's rear end, and wildly wanking werewolves wander.
CHP 13: McGoogles; A Tartan'd Fount of Passion
In which Professor Minnie McGoogles is stunned by Marauderly manhood, and slavers after our hero.
CHP 14: I Still Dont Know What The Fuck a Bezoar Is
In which there are scholarly pursuits.
CHP 15: James Potter and Sirius Black; Still Better Than You
In which our hero and his sidekick persist in being better than you.
CHP 16: Jammy Trousers
In which there is breakfast in good form.
CHP 17: James Potter Cant Get No Satisfaction
In which James Potter fails at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 18: No, I Will Not Put That Fire Out
In which there are more scholarly pursuits.
CHP 19: Animal House
In which there are antlers and cold noses, and Remus Lupin cries like a big sissy girl's blouse because he's so bloody thrilled with the utter genius presented to him.
CHP 20: Slughorn; No, All Jokes Aside, He's a Fucking Child Molestor
In which our hero will never sleep again.
CHP 21: No More Bloody Sonnets, For The Love of Merlin
In which James Potter continues to fail at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 22: Potterpocolypse
In which our hero is disowned from a madhouse and sent to live in an madder house where there are Hugs and Fuzzy Feelings and Christmas Sweaters and previously unknown Endearing Nicknames [Jimmydumpling].
CHP 23: I Dare You To Eat That Bit, With the Twitchy Crust
In which there are more scholarly pursuits.
CHP 24: Thanks For Kicking the Bucket, Uncle Alphy
In which our hero inherits a shitload of money and purchases a flat.
CHP 25: Professor Sprout's Secret Stash
In which nobody remembers very large chunks of fifth year.
CHP 26: Lily Evans is a Possible Brain Damage Victim
In which the entire bloody world ends, and James Potter doesnt fail at woo'ing Lily Evans.
CHP 27: We Are Goddamned Fucking Geniuses Oh My God
In which there is a map that can insult noses.
CHP 28: Baugettes and Blokes
In which our hero snogs an incoherant French girl a lot while having the most confusing summer of his life.
CHP 29: Vomit Mouth, Kiss Me Again
In which Remus Lupin clears up all confusion, and then throws up.
CHP 30: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 31: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 32: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 33: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 34: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
CHP 35: The Mating Habits of Werewolves
In which there is an awful lot of howling.
CHP 36: Lily Evans' Brain Damage Worsens
In which James Potter probably drugs or hexes Lily Evans into agreeing to marry him.
CHP 37: Prongs' Stag Party; A Night I'll Never Remember
In which our hero and his jolly crew embrace 70's stereotypes [and by stereotypes I mean LSD].
CHP 38: Do You Take This Herbivore To Be Your Wife?
In which James Potter has pit-stains and Lily Evans has breakdowns, and somewhere in-between there is a marriage ceremony.
CHP 39: Remus Lupin VS Sirius Black; Its Not My Turn To Do The Goddamned Dishes You Whoreson
In which there is domestic bliss.
CHP 40: HARRY!! HARRY!! HARRY!!
In which a bundle of joy and spit-up graces the world with its prescence.
CHP 41: The Boy Who Never Stopped Pooping
In which there just isnt enough baby powder in the sodding world.
CHP 42: Defiling the Hollow, One Sofa at a Time
In which the mating habits of werewolves are reiterated.
CHP 43: How Many Dog Biscuits Do You Think We Can Feed the Little Bastard?
In which our hero and his beloved babysit.
CHP 44: Things Get Shitty For 12 Years
In which our hero doesnt look good in stripes and becomes skinnier than Celestine Warbeck post-bulimia.
CHP 45: Azkaban; Fuck Y'all and This Pumpkin Pastry Stand
In which our hero books.
CHP 46: On the Run
In which our hero does a great deal of vicarious rat-killing.
CHP 47: HARRY!! HARRY!! HARRY!!
In which our hero meets the Third Year of Gryffindor and a few events transpire.
CHP 48: The Caring and Feeding of Hippogriffs
In which molting becomes a very central part of hero's life.
CHP 49: Lie Low at Lupin's
In which there is respite, with alliteration, no less.
CHP 50: Remus Lupin VS Sirius Black; It is Still Not My Turn To Do The Goddamned Dishes You Fucking Motherfucker
In which there is resumed domestic bliss.
CHP 51: Grimey Grimmauld
In which our hero does a lot of drugs and has lengthy conversations with house elf heads.
CHP 52: Curtains for Sirius Black, Literally
In which our hero meets his end [only, you know, not really].
CHP 53: Like a Screeching Case of Dragon Pox
In which our hero comes back when you least expect it, and the best topical ointment will simply do you no good.
Epilogue: Written by Remus "Animal in the Bedroom" Lupin and Professor "Saucy Knickers" McGoogles, where they confess their undying love for the honorable S. Black.
I will of course be happy to sign copies once they are finished and if I feel like it at the time. I care about you, my adoring public. I really do.
Get the
Fuck Out of the Way Dickens,
Here Comes
The Honorable
S. Black
Edit: Oh, yes. Remus is still inexplicably a hedgehog.
Bad form indeed! Someone isnt getting any alfafa tonight.