(no subject)
I went to see Bourne Legacy when it came out. I'll be grateful if anyone can explain to me why the audience was 90% old people. Are August Wednesdays special old people nights at the theater? Do old people love action movies? Because there weren't any old people at all at Total Recall.
And fuck Jason Bourne, Aaron Cross makes him look like Andre the Giant, all huge and ugly. Much love, Andre, but you are the opposite of tiny and cute. Jeremy Renner, on the other hand... he plays Aaron Cross, who istoo cute. Also deadly. Deadly and cute, and totally into killin' dudes. He will tiny assassin you right into the ground.
The first act of the movie isn't very actiony. It's mostly subtitles telling you where the scene is and Edward Norton and some old dudes standing around talking about how bad something would be if something something somethinged. Listen, I didn't pay attention to the talking in the first and third Bourne movies and I didn't see the second movie at all. I went to see tiny cute assassins, not political intrigue or whatever. Edward Norton lets us know that there's some government programs and science and stuff going on, and whatever government agencies are involved don't want... the public to know? Other government agencies to know? I feel like this shouldn't have taken up half an hour. Edward Norton and the old guys could just have said "in order to save ________'s ass, we will now kill everyone who was ever involved in these deals".
But whatever, screw those guys, the parts that aren't them talking are Jeremy Renner backpacking through the crap-ass parts of Alaska. Seeing his silhouette in wetsuit pants, I think we can all agree that he is perfectly proportioned. I'm acquiring a new appreciation for legs over here, what with Colin Farrell in wet jeans and every full-length shot of Chris Hemsworth in existence. But yes, Jeremy Renner: wielding ice picks, nomming little colorful pills, fending off wolves (really?), rocking a tiny beard, meeting some other dude in a cabin, asking the dude too many questions. Aaron Cross is too cute. He's all "hey other dude, where're you from? why're you here? did you screw up? fall in love? have you ever met anyone else in the program? do you have any colorful pills? can I have the recipe for this soup?" and the other guy's like "you ask too many questions". No no, other guy, he asks an appropriate number of questions, given that you're all in a government program so secret that I forget what it is between scenes. Also all these questions are adorable. He's trying to make conversation!
Eventually the old dudes and Edward Norton must have stopped talking and come to a conclusion (I don't know what, I wasn't paying attention) because they send a drone to blow up the cabin but Aaron's crazy dog-like hearing picks it up in time for him to run away and not get blown up. Twice. The third time the drone comes around, cuts a tracking chip out of his hip and force-feeds it to one of the wolves that was following him. That's what you get, wolf, for messing with Aaron Cross. He will straight up trick an Air Force drone into exploding you.
Aaron has rightly concluded from this event that the old dudes are trying to kill him, so he takes off for the lower 48, where we see Rachel Weisz hanging out. Her character is a scientist for whatever shady government program makes tiny cute assassins. She's met Aaron before, doing science to him, as we see in an adorable flashback where Aaron's asking lots of questions like some sort of deadly kindergartener. But yeah, um... Marta(?)(it's something like that) is doing SCIENCE when one of her colleagues up and shoots all the scientists but her. She only gets away because she is a nascent badass and also security shows up in time. She's at her house having PTSD when some suits show up all WHY DID YOU BUY A PLANE TICKET TO MONTREAL and she's all "MY SISTER LIVES THERE I AM UNHAPPY WITH THIS SHOOTING BUSINESS and
1. lots of yelling in this movie. I approve because the situations call for a lot of yelling, but I didn't expect it. Most of the time movie characters are too busy being cool and driving cars into helicopters to, you know, react realistically to dangerous situations.
2. RUN MARTA RUN, THE SUITS ARE THERE TO KILL YOU and they totally are. Suits 1 and 2 are in the middle of faking Marta's suicide when Aaron straight up busts out of the pantry and kills Suit 2 with the kitchen table. WTF? Why were you in the pantry, Aaron? Why did you wait so long to help out? Was it for the spit takes? Because I think you got the old couple sitting in front of me. Anyway, yeah, Aaron kills all the suits, convinces mid-trauma Marta not to kill him, and helps her torch her house. It was a nice house, but it needed a paint job.
They drive away very quickly and have a loud conversation summarized thusly: Aaron needs more of those colorful pills and Marta dislikes all this shooting. Aaron really needs more of those colorful pills and Marta exposits that all the secret government program assassins (except Bourne)(total retcon) have to take them regularly to keep their various enhancements. The green pills are for physical greatness and the blue ones make you smart. Aaron's out of both, but wait! he doesn't need the green ones anymore. Surprise! Apparently science can just inject you the tiny assassin virus that the pills contain, which is why Aaron had this killer flu last year and also why he's fine without the green pills. The blue pills are a different story and sadder story. Also they're made in Manila, so it's time to forge some passports. Back in wherever the subtitles said they are, Edward Norton and the old dudes figure out that all their suits are dead and Marta's not. This is not their ideal outcome.
Whilst the passports are forging in the motel fireplace or what have you, Marta decides to get over her PTSD and start becoming awesome (it takes a while but is totally worth it). She asks Aaron why he needs the blue pills so bad, and he tells her how, in order to make quota, his army recruiter lied and added 12 points to Aaron's IQ so he'd meet the minimum. This leads to a pitiable flashback where pre-secret government program Aaron can barely tell you his full name, but can emphasize that he'd rather stay in the Army (which recently got him blown the hell up) than go back the state home where he lived before. Aw, man. Aw man, pre-secret government program Aaron, I don't know whether to hug you forever or just until the end of time. But yeah, post-secret government program Aaron would really like to avoid reverting to that, so Manila it is.
They get there fine, even though Marta gets caught on camera approximately 18,000 times (noob). This comes in handy for Edward Norton and company when, in the world's longest people-talking-on-the-phone scene, all four dozen people working for Ed talk loudly into phones for like, twenty minutes. Talking loud enough into enough phones for long enough gets you security footage from Phillipines and passenger manifests that show Aaron's fake passport pic, a pic which causes the old dudes to crap their pants and Edward Norton to become slightly miffed. You know, Edward Norton spends the whole movie (including a flashback with Aaron that shows just how short Jeremy Renner is) saying words to the effect that he has his job because he can make tough decisions such as killing lots of your own secret government program assassins. I get it, Edward Norton's character, but that doesn't mean you can't have a reaction now and then. Grimace, man!
Back in the exciting part of the movie, Aaron and Marta bullshit their way into the pill factory, which is populated by about 2,000 Filipino people in light pink surgical scrubs. Those are some sweet scrubs, not gonna lie. Pill-deprived Aaron is totally spacing out by now, but luckily there's a bunch of vials of smart virus in one of the labs and Marta sticks him full of it while one of Edward Norton's one smart non-old lackey explains why this exact scenario is so non-ideal for the secret government program(s). Something to do with a tiny pissed assassin going after all of them, I think. Edward Norton calls the Australian guy in charge of the factory to stop Aaron and Marta, but all that does is get some security guards killed. Aaron shoots some delicate-looking equipment and he and Marta escape under the cover of 2,000 stampeding pink employees. Also Aaron steals the Australian guy's watch. You know, I would so watch a movie about this Australian guy. He's clearly competent in his job (just not secret-government-program competent) and I sense depths that this bit part doesn't allow him to show. Also I'd much rather have watched him do Edward Norton's character's job, that would have been awesome. All competent but still displaying emotions.
Edward Norton's solution to his tiny assassin dilemma is to activate a non-tiny secret government program assassin to kill Aaron and Marta. This one they bred all the emotions out of or something, so even Aaron's adorableness won't shake him. Aaron, unaware of his approaching emotionless doom, is quietly having a smart-virus flu-induced freakout near to some Filipino gamblers while Marta gets them a place to stay. Now Aaron has a killer flu to match the one he had last year when the secret government program "viraled him out [or possibly off]" of the green/physical pills. He's all sweaty and cute and "Marta! Leave me to suffer the flu while you flee the people chasing us!" but she totally doesn't. Good for Aaron, because the next day when Marta goes out for meds she happens to see every cop in Manila as they surround the apartment Aaron's still in.
Marta, like the growing badass she is, fucking screams "AARON RUN" and then takes the hell off herself. She gets chased through increasingly narrower alleys by cops while Aaron jumps out a window and is chased over rooftops by some cops but mostly the emotionless non-tiny assassin guy. Marta gets trapped between two cops in the world's narrowest alley (it might actually be a crack in a poorly-built wall) but Aaron, small enough to fit between the buildings, deaths the cops from above and breaks all their shit. He and Marta go tearing off, still being chased by cops but mostly by Emotionless Non-Tiny Assassin. They run through crowded places on foot, and damn there's a lot of pedestrians in Manila. Aaron and Marta do their best to avoid knocking over old ladies but EN-TA is practically shoving old ladies off bridges. Then Aaron steals a motorcycle so he can look adorable escaping, and look! he even stole Marta a helmet! That is so considerate of him! But EN-TA steals a motorcycle too and: chase!
So they chase through traffic, and Aaron grinds down a pedestrian bridge rail, and they tear up some fruit stands and EN-TA harasses some cars into running Aaron and Marta off the road, but none of this is enough to take down Aaron "Too Many Questions" Cross, so EN-TA takes to shooting and gets Aaron a couple times. Marta is all YOU HAVE BEEN SHOT I AM UNHAPPY WITH THIS DEVELOPMENT but Aaron's like "it's cool, let's just get to the pier". Now, what good is the pier going to do you? Does water repel EN-TAs? Oh, apparently it's to give us a cool setting, because the pier-adjacent architecture is nothing but concrete pillars. Aaron's concentrating pretty hard on not dying while driving a motorcycle, so when EN-TA pulls up alongside them it falls to Marta to take off her helmet and start beating him with it. Holy shit Marta, it's like you grew three pair in the last half hour! Aaron continues to pass out (10 out of 10 of doctors don't recommend passing out while on a motorcycle) so when EN-TA comes back for round two Marta leans back and kicks EN-TA so hard he drives head-first into a concrete pillar at 60 per. Damn! Fuck you, EN-TA! Secret government program gene-spliced non-empathetic assassins don't mean shit to Marta. You what does? Concrete pillars when said assassins aren't wearing helmets. Damn!
This is when Aaron loses control of the bike and he, Badass Marta and the bike fall over and slide for about thirty very uncomfortable feet. Marta's like OUCH. THAT SUCKED. and Aaron's like "I would like to stop bleeding now, thanks", and a Filipino dude wanders over like "wtf?". Marta barters a ride on Filipino dude's boat using that fine watch Aaron lifted off the Australian factory guy, and now I want to see a movie about the watch. Adventures of a Watch and Its Owners, starring: A Watch. Anyway, yeah, cut to Marta and a bandaged Aaron planning where to go next, now that they have their own private Filipino fishing boat, and if there's a sequel hook in here I didn't notice because the scenery is so nice. Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz, guys. Woo.
movie haiku:
Jeremy Renner's beard
so tiny and cute like
Jeremy Renner
Ed, why the running
in the rain at 4:00 am?
please, make some faces
dude, wear your helmet
when you're biking around town
concrete is a bitch
And fuck Jason Bourne, Aaron Cross makes him look like Andre the Giant, all huge and ugly. Much love, Andre, but you are the opposite of tiny and cute. Jeremy Renner, on the other hand... he plays Aaron Cross, who istoo cute. Also deadly. Deadly and cute, and totally into killin' dudes. He will tiny assassin you right into the ground.
The first act of the movie isn't very actiony. It's mostly subtitles telling you where the scene is and Edward Norton and some old dudes standing around talking about how bad something would be if something something somethinged. Listen, I didn't pay attention to the talking in the first and third Bourne movies and I didn't see the second movie at all. I went to see tiny cute assassins, not political intrigue or whatever. Edward Norton lets us know that there's some government programs and science and stuff going on, and whatever government agencies are involved don't want... the public to know? Other government agencies to know? I feel like this shouldn't have taken up half an hour. Edward Norton and the old guys could just have said "in order to save ________'s ass, we will now kill everyone who was ever involved in these deals".
But whatever, screw those guys, the parts that aren't them talking are Jeremy Renner backpacking through the crap-ass parts of Alaska. Seeing his silhouette in wetsuit pants, I think we can all agree that he is perfectly proportioned. I'm acquiring a new appreciation for legs over here, what with Colin Farrell in wet jeans and every full-length shot of Chris Hemsworth in existence. But yes, Jeremy Renner: wielding ice picks, nomming little colorful pills, fending off wolves (really?), rocking a tiny beard, meeting some other dude in a cabin, asking the dude too many questions. Aaron Cross is too cute. He's all "hey other dude, where're you from? why're you here? did you screw up? fall in love? have you ever met anyone else in the program? do you have any colorful pills? can I have the recipe for this soup?" and the other guy's like "you ask too many questions". No no, other guy, he asks an appropriate number of questions, given that you're all in a government program so secret that I forget what it is between scenes. Also all these questions are adorable. He's trying to make conversation!
Eventually the old dudes and Edward Norton must have stopped talking and come to a conclusion (I don't know what, I wasn't paying attention) because they send a drone to blow up the cabin but Aaron's crazy dog-like hearing picks it up in time for him to run away and not get blown up. Twice. The third time the drone comes around, cuts a tracking chip out of his hip and force-feeds it to one of the wolves that was following him. That's what you get, wolf, for messing with Aaron Cross. He will straight up trick an Air Force drone into exploding you.
Aaron has rightly concluded from this event that the old dudes are trying to kill him, so he takes off for the lower 48, where we see Rachel Weisz hanging out. Her character is a scientist for whatever shady government program makes tiny cute assassins. She's met Aaron before, doing science to him, as we see in an adorable flashback where Aaron's asking lots of questions like some sort of deadly kindergartener. But yeah, um... Marta(?)(it's something like that) is doing SCIENCE when one of her colleagues up and shoots all the scientists but her. She only gets away because she is a nascent badass and also security shows up in time. She's at her house having PTSD when some suits show up all WHY DID YOU BUY A PLANE TICKET TO MONTREAL and she's all "MY SISTER LIVES THERE I AM UNHAPPY WITH THIS SHOOTING BUSINESS and
1. lots of yelling in this movie. I approve because the situations call for a lot of yelling, but I didn't expect it. Most of the time movie characters are too busy being cool and driving cars into helicopters to, you know, react realistically to dangerous situations.
2. RUN MARTA RUN, THE SUITS ARE THERE TO KILL YOU and they totally are. Suits 1 and 2 are in the middle of faking Marta's suicide when Aaron straight up busts out of the pantry and kills Suit 2 with the kitchen table. WTF? Why were you in the pantry, Aaron? Why did you wait so long to help out? Was it for the spit takes? Because I think you got the old couple sitting in front of me. Anyway, yeah, Aaron kills all the suits, convinces mid-trauma Marta not to kill him, and helps her torch her house. It was a nice house, but it needed a paint job.
They drive away very quickly and have a loud conversation summarized thusly: Aaron needs more of those colorful pills and Marta dislikes all this shooting. Aaron really needs more of those colorful pills and Marta exposits that all the secret government program assassins (except Bourne)(total retcon) have to take them regularly to keep their various enhancements. The green pills are for physical greatness and the blue ones make you smart. Aaron's out of both, but wait! he doesn't need the green ones anymore. Surprise! Apparently science can just inject you the tiny assassin virus that the pills contain, which is why Aaron had this killer flu last year and also why he's fine without the green pills. The blue pills are a different story and sadder story. Also they're made in Manila, so it's time to forge some passports. Back in wherever the subtitles said they are, Edward Norton and the old dudes figure out that all their suits are dead and Marta's not. This is not their ideal outcome.
Whilst the passports are forging in the motel fireplace or what have you, Marta decides to get over her PTSD and start becoming awesome (it takes a while but is totally worth it). She asks Aaron why he needs the blue pills so bad, and he tells her how, in order to make quota, his army recruiter lied and added 12 points to Aaron's IQ so he'd meet the minimum. This leads to a pitiable flashback where pre-secret government program Aaron can barely tell you his full name, but can emphasize that he'd rather stay in the Army (which recently got him blown the hell up) than go back the state home where he lived before. Aw, man. Aw man, pre-secret government program Aaron, I don't know whether to hug you forever or just until the end of time. But yeah, post-secret government program Aaron would really like to avoid reverting to that, so Manila it is.
They get there fine, even though Marta gets caught on camera approximately 18,000 times (noob). This comes in handy for Edward Norton and company when, in the world's longest people-talking-on-the-phone scene, all four dozen people working for Ed talk loudly into phones for like, twenty minutes. Talking loud enough into enough phones for long enough gets you security footage from Phillipines and passenger manifests that show Aaron's fake passport pic, a pic which causes the old dudes to crap their pants and Edward Norton to become slightly miffed. You know, Edward Norton spends the whole movie (including a flashback with Aaron that shows just how short Jeremy Renner is) saying words to the effect that he has his job because he can make tough decisions such as killing lots of your own secret government program assassins. I get it, Edward Norton's character, but that doesn't mean you can't have a reaction now and then. Grimace, man!
Back in the exciting part of the movie, Aaron and Marta bullshit their way into the pill factory, which is populated by about 2,000 Filipino people in light pink surgical scrubs. Those are some sweet scrubs, not gonna lie. Pill-deprived Aaron is totally spacing out by now, but luckily there's a bunch of vials of smart virus in one of the labs and Marta sticks him full of it while one of Edward Norton's one smart non-old lackey explains why this exact scenario is so non-ideal for the secret government program(s). Something to do with a tiny pissed assassin going after all of them, I think. Edward Norton calls the Australian guy in charge of the factory to stop Aaron and Marta, but all that does is get some security guards killed. Aaron shoots some delicate-looking equipment and he and Marta escape under the cover of 2,000 stampeding pink employees. Also Aaron steals the Australian guy's watch. You know, I would so watch a movie about this Australian guy. He's clearly competent in his job (just not secret-government-program competent) and I sense depths that this bit part doesn't allow him to show. Also I'd much rather have watched him do Edward Norton's character's job, that would have been awesome. All competent but still displaying emotions.
Edward Norton's solution to his tiny assassin dilemma is to activate a non-tiny secret government program assassin to kill Aaron and Marta. This one they bred all the emotions out of or something, so even Aaron's adorableness won't shake him. Aaron, unaware of his approaching emotionless doom, is quietly having a smart-virus flu-induced freakout near to some Filipino gamblers while Marta gets them a place to stay. Now Aaron has a killer flu to match the one he had last year when the secret government program "viraled him out [or possibly off]" of the green/physical pills. He's all sweaty and cute and "Marta! Leave me to suffer the flu while you flee the people chasing us!" but she totally doesn't. Good for Aaron, because the next day when Marta goes out for meds she happens to see every cop in Manila as they surround the apartment Aaron's still in.
Marta, like the growing badass she is, fucking screams "AARON RUN" and then takes the hell off herself. She gets chased through increasingly narrower alleys by cops while Aaron jumps out a window and is chased over rooftops by some cops but mostly the emotionless non-tiny assassin guy. Marta gets trapped between two cops in the world's narrowest alley (it might actually be a crack in a poorly-built wall) but Aaron, small enough to fit between the buildings, deaths the cops from above and breaks all their shit. He and Marta go tearing off, still being chased by cops but mostly by Emotionless Non-Tiny Assassin. They run through crowded places on foot, and damn there's a lot of pedestrians in Manila. Aaron and Marta do their best to avoid knocking over old ladies but EN-TA is practically shoving old ladies off bridges. Then Aaron steals a motorcycle so he can look adorable escaping, and look! he even stole Marta a helmet! That is so considerate of him! But EN-TA steals a motorcycle too and: chase!
So they chase through traffic, and Aaron grinds down a pedestrian bridge rail, and they tear up some fruit stands and EN-TA harasses some cars into running Aaron and Marta off the road, but none of this is enough to take down Aaron "Too Many Questions" Cross, so EN-TA takes to shooting and gets Aaron a couple times. Marta is all YOU HAVE BEEN SHOT I AM UNHAPPY WITH THIS DEVELOPMENT but Aaron's like "it's cool, let's just get to the pier". Now, what good is the pier going to do you? Does water repel EN-TAs? Oh, apparently it's to give us a cool setting, because the pier-adjacent architecture is nothing but concrete pillars. Aaron's concentrating pretty hard on not dying while driving a motorcycle, so when EN-TA pulls up alongside them it falls to Marta to take off her helmet and start beating him with it. Holy shit Marta, it's like you grew three pair in the last half hour! Aaron continues to pass out (10 out of 10 of doctors don't recommend passing out while on a motorcycle) so when EN-TA comes back for round two Marta leans back and kicks EN-TA so hard he drives head-first into a concrete pillar at 60 per. Damn! Fuck you, EN-TA! Secret government program gene-spliced non-empathetic assassins don't mean shit to Marta. You what does? Concrete pillars when said assassins aren't wearing helmets. Damn!
This is when Aaron loses control of the bike and he, Badass Marta and the bike fall over and slide for about thirty very uncomfortable feet. Marta's like OUCH. THAT SUCKED. and Aaron's like "I would like to stop bleeding now, thanks", and a Filipino dude wanders over like "wtf?". Marta barters a ride on Filipino dude's boat using that fine watch Aaron lifted off the Australian factory guy, and now I want to see a movie about the watch. Adventures of a Watch and Its Owners, starring: A Watch. Anyway, yeah, cut to Marta and a bandaged Aaron planning where to go next, now that they have their own private Filipino fishing boat, and if there's a sequel hook in here I didn't notice because the scenery is so nice. Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz, guys. Woo.
movie haiku:
Jeremy Renner's beard
so tiny and cute like
Jeremy Renner
Ed, why the running
in the rain at 4:00 am?
please, make some faces
dude, wear your helmet
when you're biking around town
concrete is a bitch