just a fool in a tree full of fools
today i feel stupid and young and naive and disillusioned.
this is not a day to celebrate anything but leaving, finishing, stopping.
i am disappointed in other people, and in myself for thinking the best of them.
people are nowhere near as intelligent as i'd hoped.
here's the shortest possible version of the story.
i love my spanish class. i adore it. and the professor is an amazing person. i thought he was the type of person who transcended strange unspoken rules like, "don't be friends with students." but no. he's the same as all these administration obsessed steel adults who don't act like real people at all. i was a on a cardmaking kick for a while during the last week of the one-acts, and i made cards for rachel, and rosa, and isaac, and etc etc, and just to be nice, and say, hey i appreciate your class even if not everyone else does, i made one for him. i like to make stuff. well not anymore. fuck it. people aren't worth my time. so anne and i were talking and i said, completely kidding "i made him a be my best friend card." of course it didn't say that on it. but anne was like, does it say that? and i said, no of course not. and she said, well i think he'd think it was funny. so in a tongue in cheek manner i put that on there in spanish.
yeah well. that was a big mistake. because stupid people try to read things that aren't there into everything.
i had a meeting with him this morning so that he could translate his poetry for me because there are lots of words in it that i don't know yet. and we got done doing that, and then he said, "i want to talk about the card that you gave me" and i was like, ah ok. and he said, "i just want to make sure that there aren't any misunderstandings here" or something like that.. i don't know. i was stunned that he could be so cynical. and i said, "what, in a "graduate" kind of way?" and he said, no no, just in anything other than a professor/ student way." and he went on and on about how he thinks that the professor/ student relationship has to stay exactly that, and that professors and students should not be friends, and blah, Blah blah... and the whole time i just sat there and nodded and said of course, and thought, how sad... how sad that this is what human beings have come down to. i don't mean to put it in such a large framework, but it is... in a way. it makes me think badly of people. to have to set such false boundaries, it means that somebody somewhere fucked up. and everyone else has to put up with the results of their fuck-up.
why the fuck shouldn't i be friends with whoever i want? i'm tired of, and this is going to sound really grandiose, but i am truly tired of society. i want to go away and live in a commune with people from the age of 1-100, all kinds of people, and to have a new type of interaction. i hate people. i really really hate them, because by doing that, not only did he irritate the shit out of me, but he made something that i thought was just a nice gesture seem not at all nice, but naive and foolish.
i hate it when people make me feel stupid. i'm going to live in a commune with people who don't have superimposed ideas of who they are and who i am and what we should all be. i mean it.
why can't we just *be*? why isn't that enough?
this is not a day to celebrate anything but leaving, finishing, stopping.
i am disappointed in other people, and in myself for thinking the best of them.
people are nowhere near as intelligent as i'd hoped.
here's the shortest possible version of the story.
i love my spanish class. i adore it. and the professor is an amazing person. i thought he was the type of person who transcended strange unspoken rules like, "don't be friends with students." but no. he's the same as all these administration obsessed steel adults who don't act like real people at all. i was a on a cardmaking kick for a while during the last week of the one-acts, and i made cards for rachel, and rosa, and isaac, and etc etc, and just to be nice, and say, hey i appreciate your class even if not everyone else does, i made one for him. i like to make stuff. well not anymore. fuck it. people aren't worth my time. so anne and i were talking and i said, completely kidding "i made him a be my best friend card." of course it didn't say that on it. but anne was like, does it say that? and i said, no of course not. and she said, well i think he'd think it was funny. so in a tongue in cheek manner i put that on there in spanish.
yeah well. that was a big mistake. because stupid people try to read things that aren't there into everything.
i had a meeting with him this morning so that he could translate his poetry for me because there are lots of words in it that i don't know yet. and we got done doing that, and then he said, "i want to talk about the card that you gave me" and i was like, ah ok. and he said, "i just want to make sure that there aren't any misunderstandings here" or something like that.. i don't know. i was stunned that he could be so cynical. and i said, "what, in a "graduate" kind of way?" and he said, no no, just in anything other than a professor/ student way." and he went on and on about how he thinks that the professor/ student relationship has to stay exactly that, and that professors and students should not be friends, and blah, Blah blah... and the whole time i just sat there and nodded and said of course, and thought, how sad... how sad that this is what human beings have come down to. i don't mean to put it in such a large framework, but it is... in a way. it makes me think badly of people. to have to set such false boundaries, it means that somebody somewhere fucked up. and everyone else has to put up with the results of their fuck-up.
why the fuck shouldn't i be friends with whoever i want? i'm tired of, and this is going to sound really grandiose, but i am truly tired of society. i want to go away and live in a commune with people from the age of 1-100, all kinds of people, and to have a new type of interaction. i hate people. i really really hate them, because by doing that, not only did he irritate the shit out of me, but he made something that i thought was just a nice gesture seem not at all nice, but naive and foolish.
i hate it when people make me feel stupid. i'm going to live in a commune with people who don't have superimposed ideas of who they are and who i am and what we should all be. i mean it.
why can't we just *be*? why isn't that enough?