The lies we know, the lies of amateurs at best
I'm putting a couple pieces together.
Back in therapy, when I thought that sort of thing could work for me, my therapist tried to drill one little thing in to my head: Sleep is key. And for all her faults, maybe she had a point on that one. Definitely not the point she thought she was making, but a point nonetheless.
I AM bipolar. There's no way to discount that idea anymore. It's a valid diagnosis with valid real-world validation. But one thing I've noticed is that I've trapped myself in my own box, and haven't thought outside of it in a while. I assume so many things about myself because of that definition. I assume that I sleep very little when I'm "manic" because that's the disease archetype. I assume that I sleep more when I'm "depressed," again due to the paradigm that's been cast for me.
What if that's wrong? What if the sleeping isn't an effect, but a cause? Oversleeping throws me for a loop in a bad way. Drinking makes me oversleep badly. Maybe it's all connected. Maybe so many of the things I assume about the way I think and the things I do are because of the typecast role I've found them in.
Tonight is an experiment, then. Somehow I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep. I think it was my phone. At any rate, I'm getting tired again and going back to bed seems like a great idea.
I'm going to fight it.
I'm going to deliberately deprive myself of sleep and see if it speeds along a recovery. Or see if once the "tired" phase wears back off as the natural light kicks in and I get moving, everything resets to a little equilibrium.
Side note: during my recent blackouts, I've discovered that I've been sleeping with the ceiling light on. I wonder if that even counts as productive sleep? I know melatonin doesn't function well in lighted conditions. An interesting thought....
I'm not in good shape, not that that comes as a surprise to anybody. There has been a lot to think about. Entirely too much, and working every day for 2 and a half weeks doesn't help. Looking forward to my quiet Christmas with dr. Jameson and comrade Arturo Fuente.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
Back in therapy, when I thought that sort of thing could work for me, my therapist tried to drill one little thing in to my head: Sleep is key. And for all her faults, maybe she had a point on that one. Definitely not the point she thought she was making, but a point nonetheless.
I AM bipolar. There's no way to discount that idea anymore. It's a valid diagnosis with valid real-world validation. But one thing I've noticed is that I've trapped myself in my own box, and haven't thought outside of it in a while. I assume so many things about myself because of that definition. I assume that I sleep very little when I'm "manic" because that's the disease archetype. I assume that I sleep more when I'm "depressed," again due to the paradigm that's been cast for me.
What if that's wrong? What if the sleeping isn't an effect, but a cause? Oversleeping throws me for a loop in a bad way. Drinking makes me oversleep badly. Maybe it's all connected. Maybe so many of the things I assume about the way I think and the things I do are because of the typecast role I've found them in.
Tonight is an experiment, then. Somehow I woke up after only a couple hours of sleep. I think it was my phone. At any rate, I'm getting tired again and going back to bed seems like a great idea.
I'm going to fight it.
I'm going to deliberately deprive myself of sleep and see if it speeds along a recovery. Or see if once the "tired" phase wears back off as the natural light kicks in and I get moving, everything resets to a little equilibrium.
Side note: during my recent blackouts, I've discovered that I've been sleeping with the ceiling light on. I wonder if that even counts as productive sleep? I know melatonin doesn't function well in lighted conditions. An interesting thought....
I'm not in good shape, not that that comes as a surprise to anybody. There has been a lot to think about. Entirely too much, and working every day for 2 and a half weeks doesn't help. Looking forward to my quiet Christmas with dr. Jameson and comrade Arturo Fuente.
Oh well, c'est la vie.