(no subject)
I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’m not sure it’s because I haven’t felt good for months, if the lack of light from winter+3rd shift has finally gotten to me, or I’m just having a really bad depression flare, maybe all of the above. Additionally I’ve been having anxiety attacks when I’m awake in the day. I mostly get anxiety attacks when I’m sleep deprived or nervous about something. It’s been hard to watch the news lately so I just ... don’t anymore.
I’m trying very hard to hang in there, push through to spring coming but I frequently just want to die. When I express this to someone they just go “me too fam,” essentially, and then plays the “my depression is worse” game and I’m like no. I want to die. I’m getting to the point I can’t take waking up.
Every time ... anything happens I just wish I could be left alone. 3rd shift is making it very hard to be around the people I would socialize with, planning, work schedules etc. I know they care and it’s not their fault but I’m desperately lonely right now. My only regular company is my mom and lately I can’t stand her either. She’s high strung and lately she just makes me jittery. On my own I’m not very high strung, but around her I am because EVERYTHING HAS TO BE DONE NOW IF IT’S NOT EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.
And I’m just so exhausted all the time. Being sick right now doesn’t help, obviously, but even then I just can’t do anything. I gave up my gym membership because it was between working out while exhausted or sleeping as soon as I got home. And I mean immediately. I walk in the door, take a shower and sleep. Sometimes in the bath. There’s no energy for the gym.
I just want to give up.
I’m trying very hard to hang in there, push through to spring coming but I frequently just want to die. When I express this to someone they just go “me too fam,” essentially, and then plays the “my depression is worse” game and I’m like no. I want to die. I’m getting to the point I can’t take waking up.
Every time ... anything happens I just wish I could be left alone. 3rd shift is making it very hard to be around the people I would socialize with, planning, work schedules etc. I know they care and it’s not their fault but I’m desperately lonely right now. My only regular company is my mom and lately I can’t stand her either. She’s high strung and lately she just makes me jittery. On my own I’m not very high strung, but around her I am because EVERYTHING HAS TO BE DONE NOW IF IT’S NOT EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE.
And I’m just so exhausted all the time. Being sick right now doesn’t help, obviously, but even then I just can’t do anything. I gave up my gym membership because it was between working out while exhausted or sleeping as soon as I got home. And I mean immediately. I walk in the door, take a shower and sleep. Sometimes in the bath. There’s no energy for the gym.
I just want to give up.