The Funeral
Went to my grandfather's funeral today. I was fine until the service started. I hadn't cried. I teared a little during the service. Then Reverend Sears read a poem and I began to cry a little. I stared at the wall and tried to hide it. Mandy was there. Keila sat between Sarah and Mandy and Mandy sat between Keila and I. So I grabbed a tissue and Mandy passed them to Keila for Sarah and I got an empty box in return. Stuck with one tissue for the entire service. Then the 21 gun Salute began. I lost it. They folded the flag up and handed it to Grandma, saluted her. It was then I knew he was really gone. They played Taps. I really began to cry. Sherry's mother showed up and I was enraged at her audacity. Then she said to my Grandmother, "Since you're alone now, call me if you get lonely." As if to say, Congratualtions on your Misery. Welcome to the club! Last time she spoke to anyone in this family, she recieved a swift door slamming in her face. It couldn't have been anymore obvious that this family doesn't welcome anyone from her gene pool. Especially her or Sherry. So I asked my Dad if Sherry was coming up for Christmas, so I knew to avoid her. He said no. But her told Curt that she was. I don't need to be lied to.
I'm ok until, I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I think. I was ok until I saw him lying there. He looked wonderful. Peacful. Too healthy to be dead. Pink and rested. Then I touched his face. Cold and hard. My beautiful, cold, dead grandfather. He fought so hard. Tried for so long to live. But in the end, all he had to do was let go. Reverend Sears said he found god. But I wonder if he was just saying that for us. And if he was, I hope God found him. The god I believe in doesn't let the lost just burn. The God I believe in saves us whether we want to be saved or not. He loves us because he created us. Like a mother loves her child the instant she gives birth. In spite of the pain her body is in. We are part of god like a pomegranate envelopes it's juicy seeds. I hope my grandpa is safe and warm. I hope he's able to breathe. No, I hope he is beyond breathing. I hope he is immortal and part of the beyond. He's part of me and my brother and my cousins and my grandmother. His ashes will become part of the ocean he loved so much. He will coarse through the ocean like the ocean coarsed through him. Infinite and deep and blue. Like his eyes. Blue like the sky, blue like heaven is in my imagination.
I'm going to miss him, for sure. I feel selfish crying for my missing him. He's better off now. So, I'm going to go. Sleep, buy Ben and Jerry's. Something.
I'm ok until, I'm alone with my thoughts. Then I think. I was ok until I saw him lying there. He looked wonderful. Peacful. Too healthy to be dead. Pink and rested. Then I touched his face. Cold and hard. My beautiful, cold, dead grandfather. He fought so hard. Tried for so long to live. But in the end, all he had to do was let go. Reverend Sears said he found god. But I wonder if he was just saying that for us. And if he was, I hope God found him. The god I believe in doesn't let the lost just burn. The God I believe in saves us whether we want to be saved or not. He loves us because he created us. Like a mother loves her child the instant she gives birth. In spite of the pain her body is in. We are part of god like a pomegranate envelopes it's juicy seeds. I hope my grandpa is safe and warm. I hope he's able to breathe. No, I hope he is beyond breathing. I hope he is immortal and part of the beyond. He's part of me and my brother and my cousins and my grandmother. His ashes will become part of the ocean he loved so much. He will coarse through the ocean like the ocean coarsed through him. Infinite and deep and blue. Like his eyes. Blue like the sky, blue like heaven is in my imagination.
I'm going to miss him, for sure. I feel selfish crying for my missing him. He's better off now. So, I'm going to go. Sleep, buy Ben and Jerry's. Something.