So refreshing, small blessings, so wonderful
I don't have too much time to write right now, but I just wanted to let anyone who was reading know that last night was an awful night. But I went out for lunch today with esther and several of our past itinerants and had a great time. That group of people has a way of really making me feel good about myself. The whole time there, I was showered with compliments: "Your hair is so nice!! how do you get it so shiny?" "I love your purse!! where di you buy it?" "The men must be after you, bet you're known around campus!!" and "You're always in with the times...always dressed so fashionably, tastefully."...I'm not one for such materialistic comments, but it felt so damn good. Is that so bad? after last night, I was on the virge of a major relapse, and felt fat, ugly, and repulsive. But these were people who genuinely meant what they were saying--why else would they say it? they weren't in any way obligated--and didn't say it to esther or anyone else there..(not that esther doesn't coordinate herself or anything, its just not her priority or niche if you will)...it just felt so good. Is that so wrong? And to top it off, my O and M lesson went amazing this morning!! and, its not over!! I'm off to Jessica's for the weekend in a few minutes!!! man, how a few small but significantly wonderful things can change your perspective!! I refuse to give up on recovery, I refuse to give in to the ed. I'm going to control it, and not let it take over my life again. I will reclaim my life because I can and because I have to. There are people in this world who think I'm special, beautiful, and worth it. They will be honest with me both about my virtues and mistakes, and I love them all for that unconditional honesty. Its possible to remain sensitive to the fact that I have an eded past, while loving me enough to be straight-forward and not have to walk on egg shells around me--because that's honestly not what I want. As my sister Naureen says, she would indeed tell me if I seriously was overweight, because she loves me. LOl she hasn't said I am, and I know I'm not...I'm not going to give up, I can't. With God's guidenace, and the love of of all my friends and family (not that my parents are very understanding or supportive...other story entirely :sigh: ), and with the promise to myself to keep on fighting and working through the real causes of this, I'll find my way back...I can't, mustn't give in. I have a life to live. Friends who'd die for me. A guy who'd do anything for me, and a family who would go to any and every length to ensure I was well. I'm off for the weekend...and will be trying my fucking hardest!! woohooo for people who encourage recovery!!! anorexia must die!!! die!! die!!!