"FAT" "PIG"
Last night, Troy called me. I met Troy last summer. He was the boys' director at a camp that I was at, and we really hit it off well. We were never interested in each other, but we became close friends. Sometimes at night, we would go for walks and we talked a lot. I learned of his past struggle with depression and his low self esteem when it came to women. And I told him about my past eating disorder and all that. At the end of the summer, he went back to australia since that's where he's originally from throughout the year. So he's coming back to camp this summer as well, and was in Toronto. He called last night, and so we made plans to meet up today. stef and Chris (her soon to be bf) joined us as well.
In the beginning, all was going well. But as time went on, he began joking around and saying "you're fat." or, when I was eating wings for dinner, he said: "You're such a pig."..I held my breath in order not to feel anything, but it didn't work. I was about to purge right then and there at the table; I couldn't handle it. Instead, I just focused on collecting myself, as I clung with all my strength to the bone of the wing I had just finished. My first. I could only stomach one more wing after that. I wanted to cry, scream, throw things. Was that how he really saw me? as a "fat pig"? and although he was joking, when you say something more than once, there's a hint of underlying truth...and I can't handle it.
On our way home, Stef got in to the biggest fight with her mom on her cell phone. I held it in. I knew I'd be alone soon enough, as stef was going to stay out with chris. When I got to the lobby, a few people called out in greeting, but I didn't trust myself to speak. I ducked in to a nearly closing elivator and took a shaking breath as the doors slid shut. Then I let the tears come. I leaned my head against the wall and just let my sobbing take over. I can't do this. I became healthier, and this is what happens? he is the first guy I have ever met in my life who knows about my past who's even remotely referred to me as "fat" or "Pig". Everyone else always tells me "Ten pounds more and you'd still look skinny as hell." but I am doutful now. I didn't go in to recovery so that I could be called fat. I've been more and more triggered lately, and I think today was the final straw.
Its so odd though--because he really, truly seems well-intensioned. He's always asking me how I'm doing with my eating and what not--so why, why why why would he say something like that? I can't...God, I can't be "fat and happy"...I know that when I weighed 80 pounds, I certainly wasn't healthy, but I most definitely at least had something...
In the beginning, all was going well. But as time went on, he began joking around and saying "you're fat." or, when I was eating wings for dinner, he said: "You're such a pig."..I held my breath in order not to feel anything, but it didn't work. I was about to purge right then and there at the table; I couldn't handle it. Instead, I just focused on collecting myself, as I clung with all my strength to the bone of the wing I had just finished. My first. I could only stomach one more wing after that. I wanted to cry, scream, throw things. Was that how he really saw me? as a "fat pig"? and although he was joking, when you say something more than once, there's a hint of underlying truth...and I can't handle it.
On our way home, Stef got in to the biggest fight with her mom on her cell phone. I held it in. I knew I'd be alone soon enough, as stef was going to stay out with chris. When I got to the lobby, a few people called out in greeting, but I didn't trust myself to speak. I ducked in to a nearly closing elivator and took a shaking breath as the doors slid shut. Then I let the tears come. I leaned my head against the wall and just let my sobbing take over. I can't do this. I became healthier, and this is what happens? he is the first guy I have ever met in my life who knows about my past who's even remotely referred to me as "fat" or "Pig". Everyone else always tells me "Ten pounds more and you'd still look skinny as hell." but I am doutful now. I didn't go in to recovery so that I could be called fat. I've been more and more triggered lately, and I think today was the final straw.
Its so odd though--because he really, truly seems well-intensioned. He's always asking me how I'm doing with my eating and what not--so why, why why why would he say something like that? I can't...God, I can't be "fat and happy"...I know that when I weighed 80 pounds, I certainly wasn't healthy, but I most definitely at least had something...