hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play
Earlier on Friday my Ma and I were at the mall, I really got upset at myself. See, all the clothes I own are black or red t-shirts and pants. Everything I wear is the same, there's no variation or anything particularly interesting that I own. I know most of them are nice and quite a few pricey, but they are all nearly identical. Logo t-shirts. I just get to feeling so... unfeminine.
Anyway, at the mall, I got the idea into my head that I wanted a shirt that was maybe a little bit prettier or more dressy or something, just for a change. The mall was insane today, by the way; I've never seen it so busy. Well, we looked around for awhile but I never really found anything and started to get discouraged. Bleh.
So I never found anything, not that I tried to hard. Know why? Because I kept telling myself I didn't deserve it. Yeah. I'm really cool. I couldn't bring myself to try because I'm not attractive enough to wear attractive clothes. I always have to be covered completely because I have NO self esteem when it comes to my body. I hate my body, I absolutely hate everything about it. There is barely anything on me I wouldn't change if I could.
Later on, in Bluenotes, I find this really neat shirt, and it's the only one left and marked down to $20, but... It's a size medium. Michelle is not a size small, she's a large because of her upper torso area. Being the idiot I am, of course, I tried it on. I liked it because it wasn't just standard t-shirt - it was ripped at the top and the shoulders hung in a neat way. Well, I tried it on, and it fit. It looked really nice, in fact, and I was happy for a split second until I realized you could see my arms and probably my stomach if I didn't keep pulling it down. Now for normal people, this wouldn't bother them. But me? No, god forbid anyone should have to look at me. So I took it off and put it back and didn't buy it.
I was so upset. I mean, fuck, that shirt looked nice until I started picking at myself and thinking about people looking at me. I felt so disgusting and ugly and deformed. Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be like all the thin, beautiful people? I know there are loads of people larger than I, but I still feel huge, even though I often find bigger people good-looking. I just have no goddamn confidence and I hate it. I am such a wuss. I let everyone push me around and I never fight back, ever. I try to act so tough and strong but really; I'm just hiding and I always will be. I'll never be smaller than a size 11 and I just HATE IT. So to all you anorexics out there, you just don't know unless you got there from here. I would kill to be you.
I'm sorry about this. Of course I'm apologizing. It's what I do. I know somebody will make me feel guilty for this.
Sigh. For once I'd just like to feel... beautiful.
And I hate how hard I try to look at least, decent. Just so I don't stand out, I'm not ugly, I'm not pretty, I'm just existant, and people from work still feel the need to pick me apart piece by piece, and everyone just laughs at it and it has no affect on them that when I get home, I cry my fucking eyes out. Just like yesterday, every girl there, besides La Shaun, is over 200lbs. Yet, when Gary goes on about how ugly and fat I am, they feel the need to give their two cents. Jesus Christ. I'm glad James works from 10am-6. I work from 4:00 - 9:30, so at least I get to see him for two hours and tell him all the horrible shit that happened, I know he'll cheer me up just fine.
Sigh.