(no subject)
So I have a few thoughts mostly I hope I find what I need out of this trip... Canada and Florida... lol I tihnk I'm just needing the break... I'm leavng today and it feels like I'm dreaming not leaving at all... I talked myself to sleep last night... I'm sorry Mark for not getting your braids done I did mean too.... I have just been so tired... we'll get them done ... even if I have to braid all the way to florida... lol... I guess I'M AVOIDING THE COMMENT AGAIN RIGHT...? erg! I'm shutting myself off... not being able to move in this miniscule environment... tired of wrigling... I'm begging for some sanity in the density of a thought... I want to be the one going.. in a way I guess I am right? I'm going to be in Saginaw with out all my closest friends right? I'll be alone... just not somewhere new... maybe it will make me explore again... Maybe I'll find what I need again... I needed you before and you came ... and with a smiling bunch of support behind you which lifted me up and made me smile like nothing ever happened... and I was stronger... more open even in the daylight I might not have been able to tell you then exactly what I felt but I tried to express it and now I'm struggling just to feel... much less express in a way that isn't coded or illegible to anyone elses' eyes .. the fact is I want to feel... and not have it be this sub-par reality it is right now.... or maybe I don't care if I feel angry or sad or lonely the best would be just to feel it... because I can't I just can't... Yelling and yelling and scraping at everyone's nerves that I can attach myself too... I wanted someone to break me... Something to force me to leave or change... I want to have that moment sink or swim....