don't need a reason
i started bleeding mid-test this morning and when i finished with it and went to check the damage, it was bad news bears. i kept bleeding like that all day. niagara falls of blood coming out of my poor little uterus.
i'm no big nick cave fan but i really like the newest double disc. this song in particular is so unlike anything i've ever heard him do--it is the eye to his freak storm. perhaps there's a bit too much reliance on the back up singers who show up everywhere but it's hard not to like the sound they make even if it is in every song. nick always did like a big sound.
i'm leaving the underground.
sunday my mom asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i told her that i hadn't given it much thought since it's 4 months away. tonight i thought about it again and how 27 touches 26 and 28 and is no longer even remotely childlike. i thought 26 was it. and there was just doom from there on out but it turns out 27 is worse in terms of creating a momentary twinge of actually feeling your age. i'm already calling myself a 27 year old in my head. i've already worked that part out. what i haven't done yet is put all the other pieces together that make up a successful 27 year old.
where's my live in boyfriend? where's my 401k? i remember thinking of starting one several years ago and feeling so ahead of the curve. now i just feel old enough to know better and still not smart enough to start. i guess that's how it goes though right? you avoid these things because they mean you're responsible and settled and sure that you're going to be doing whatever it is you're doing right now several years from now. and that frightens you, a little bit, doesn't it?
i can never keep my tenses straight. i start talking to myself and to it at the same time.
if you did the things you knew you should all the time what would your life look like? would it be fun? and not even as that whole idyllic future you have in your head. but if you just paid your rent before the 1st and remembered to floss before going to bed would you feel less of that life malaise that covers you in a cloud most of the time? would you feel better about yourself if you knew somewhere some little mutual fund was building a tidy sum for your eventual retirement? can you see yourself getting old? can you anticipate the creases in your brow and the way your cheeks will fall and lose their youth? can you imagine having freckles at 46? would that be embarrassing? would it be embarrassing to be alone then? would people secretly judge you for not fulfilling your manifest destiny?
you're still secretly vicious like a child. you want to see people fall. you want to feel invincible from something and that's what works for you most often. that whole "thank god i'm not that..." feeling.
you are a tattletale. you are getting fatter by the day. you are losing opportunities at every turn. even in the infinite labyrinth of choices life offers you each one takes you further from possibility and more towards inevitability. depressing really. but once you get there, and it will happen? then what?
i'm no big nick cave fan but i really like the newest double disc. this song in particular is so unlike anything i've ever heard him do--it is the eye to his freak storm. perhaps there's a bit too much reliance on the back up singers who show up everywhere but it's hard not to like the sound they make even if it is in every song. nick always did like a big sound.
i'm leaving the underground.
sunday my mom asked me what i wanted for my birthday and i told her that i hadn't given it much thought since it's 4 months away. tonight i thought about it again and how 27 touches 26 and 28 and is no longer even remotely childlike. i thought 26 was it. and there was just doom from there on out but it turns out 27 is worse in terms of creating a momentary twinge of actually feeling your age. i'm already calling myself a 27 year old in my head. i've already worked that part out. what i haven't done yet is put all the other pieces together that make up a successful 27 year old.
where's my live in boyfriend? where's my 401k? i remember thinking of starting one several years ago and feeling so ahead of the curve. now i just feel old enough to know better and still not smart enough to start. i guess that's how it goes though right? you avoid these things because they mean you're responsible and settled and sure that you're going to be doing whatever it is you're doing right now several years from now. and that frightens you, a little bit, doesn't it?
i can never keep my tenses straight. i start talking to myself and to it at the same time.
if you did the things you knew you should all the time what would your life look like? would it be fun? and not even as that whole idyllic future you have in your head. but if you just paid your rent before the 1st and remembered to floss before going to bed would you feel less of that life malaise that covers you in a cloud most of the time? would you feel better about yourself if you knew somewhere some little mutual fund was building a tidy sum for your eventual retirement? can you see yourself getting old? can you anticipate the creases in your brow and the way your cheeks will fall and lose their youth? can you imagine having freckles at 46? would that be embarrassing? would it be embarrassing to be alone then? would people secretly judge you for not fulfilling your manifest destiny?
you're still secretly vicious like a child. you want to see people fall. you want to feel invincible from something and that's what works for you most often. that whole "thank god i'm not that..." feeling.
you are a tattletale. you are getting fatter by the day. you are losing opportunities at every turn. even in the infinite labyrinth of choices life offers you each one takes you further from possibility and more towards inevitability. depressing really. but once you get there, and it will happen? then what?