procrastination time...
there's so much i should write about... thanksgiving break, my trip to NY, how i should be studying right now, etc etc... but there's really only one thing on my mind right now.
i've come to realize that with me, it's always something. i guess that's true for a lot of people though. there's always some sort of bad feeling lingering in the back of my mind. while luckily i can say i haven't felt really depressed or angry or lonely for the past few months, what i am feeling is scared. i can very honestly say that while my relationship is far from perfect, it is going ridiculously well. i usually live by the theory that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. so right now it's almost as if i'm waiting for something really bad to happen to burst this bubble. it's the oddest combination of happiness and nervousness i could have ever imagined. i think when it comes down to it, it's the simple fact that i'm really not used to being in a relationship. it wasn't until now where i ever had a guy cook for me and clean my room and do my laundry and put up with all my bitching along with all the other awesome things tennison does. so when all these things are happening i'm usually thinking "is this for real?". even as i sit here writing this as he is snoring his life away in my bed i can't help but wonder if this is actually happening.
i think, for whatever self-destructive reasons, i had myself convinced for a long time that i would never find anyone to be happy with, and furthermore, that i didn't deserve to. stupid, i know, but it's how i felt, even if deep down inside i knew it wasn't true. i'm not saying this is it... i really don't know what will happen with us in the future. maybe the bubble WILL burst, or maybe it won't. maybe we'll be together forever, or maybe we'll break up tomorrow. and while i really hope for this to work out, if it doesn't, at least i know now that this is actually possible for me.
while i think it's normal to have at least some minor uncertainties about your relationship, i really do hope this worry goes away. because if not, i actually see my irrational fear getting in the way and being what finally bursts the bubble... and wouldn't that be ironic?
enough of this homo shit though, i gotta go study.
***EDIT***
and p.s... i was reading a couple of old entries and i mentioned how i had a couple of dreams over the summer about being pregnant and how dreams with pregnancies are supposed to represent the "birth of something new" and "new beginnings"... well apparently that might be true. i remember the first dream i was in a lot of pain, completely devastated about being pregnant. but in the second dream, i was ecstatic. i feel like that sort of shows the transition of my feelings from sad to happy during the changes that i went through at the end of the summer/beginning of this semester.
i also remembered a tarot card reading i did with stephanie over spring break about my love life in which she basically said i was going to go through a lot and that there were going to be many obstacles before i could be happy and that things were going to wind up totally different from how i originally imagined. she also said there would be issues with money (ha, so true) but that everything would work out awesome in the end.
it's not like i truly believe in any of those things, but it's just interesting to see how they've been pretty on point.
i've come to realize that with me, it's always something. i guess that's true for a lot of people though. there's always some sort of bad feeling lingering in the back of my mind. while luckily i can say i haven't felt really depressed or angry or lonely for the past few months, what i am feeling is scared. i can very honestly say that while my relationship is far from perfect, it is going ridiculously well. i usually live by the theory that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is. so right now it's almost as if i'm waiting for something really bad to happen to burst this bubble. it's the oddest combination of happiness and nervousness i could have ever imagined. i think when it comes down to it, it's the simple fact that i'm really not used to being in a relationship. it wasn't until now where i ever had a guy cook for me and clean my room and do my laundry and put up with all my bitching along with all the other awesome things tennison does. so when all these things are happening i'm usually thinking "is this for real?". even as i sit here writing this as he is snoring his life away in my bed i can't help but wonder if this is actually happening.
i think, for whatever self-destructive reasons, i had myself convinced for a long time that i would never find anyone to be happy with, and furthermore, that i didn't deserve to. stupid, i know, but it's how i felt, even if deep down inside i knew it wasn't true. i'm not saying this is it... i really don't know what will happen with us in the future. maybe the bubble WILL burst, or maybe it won't. maybe we'll be together forever, or maybe we'll break up tomorrow. and while i really hope for this to work out, if it doesn't, at least i know now that this is actually possible for me.
while i think it's normal to have at least some minor uncertainties about your relationship, i really do hope this worry goes away. because if not, i actually see my irrational fear getting in the way and being what finally bursts the bubble... and wouldn't that be ironic?
enough of this homo shit though, i gotta go study.
***EDIT***
and p.s... i was reading a couple of old entries and i mentioned how i had a couple of dreams over the summer about being pregnant and how dreams with pregnancies are supposed to represent the "birth of something new" and "new beginnings"... well apparently that might be true. i remember the first dream i was in a lot of pain, completely devastated about being pregnant. but in the second dream, i was ecstatic. i feel like that sort of shows the transition of my feelings from sad to happy during the changes that i went through at the end of the summer/beginning of this semester.
i also remembered a tarot card reading i did with stephanie over spring break about my love life in which she basically said i was going to go through a lot and that there were going to be many obstacles before i could be happy and that things were going to wind up totally different from how i originally imagined. she also said there would be issues with money (ha, so true) but that everything would work out awesome in the end.
it's not like i truly believe in any of those things, but it's just interesting to see how they've been pretty on point.