[FIC] don't worry: part two. sakumoto angst. nc-17. 13,342 words.
PART ONE
The fourth time it happened, there was no denying it would continue.
"Should we make this a regular thing, then?" Sho's voice was hot over Jun's ear in the cramped space of the broom closet. This time, Sho hadn't waited to leave the studio and get back to Jun's apartment; Jun was just thankful their work was over.
The question rang in Jun's ear, and Jun tried not to get distracted with the way Sho was tugging at his jeans. He supposed it made a modicum of sense; the two of them were on similar clocks, work-wise. Their dramas kept them awake late at night learning lines, the shootings were at similar times and places, and Jun had always lived closer to the city than Sho. Not to mention that the hectic schedule barely left time to jerk off in the shower let alone find someone to share a bed with at night, so the offer was practical. Efficient. Even without Sho's hand down his pants, Jun would admit that the idea had some merit.
"Only... because it's convenient," Jun managed to gasp out, as Sho's mouth trailed along his jaw and his hand curved around the bulge in his underwear.
"Nothing more," Sho promised in a whisper against Jun's throat, and Jun believed him.
There was no reason not to believe him, either. They both knew that the person more likely to fall was Jun, and Jun had already examined his feelings and found nothing. He had always thought that crossing this line with Sho would reignite the schoolboy crush he had had on his senpai and spell disaster, but that was clearly not the case. If Jun could get through three completely different and very charged experiences without anything like lovesickness gripping his heart, nothing was going to go wrong on his end.
---
There was a part of Jun that hoped Arashi wouldn't find out. He was fairly sure that Sho wasn't telling anyone, and he certainly wasn't about to but, of course, silence didn't stop things from slipping. Aside from constantly turning up to meetings together, Sho wore something from Jun's closet almost every day, and if there was one thing that Arashi noticed it was shared clothing. Nobody said anything for the first week, but in the second week, Nino snapped and dragged Jun out of the green room as soon as he and Sho entered.
"What do you think you're doing?" Nino asked once the stairwell door closed behind them.
Jun knew it was useless to deny anything, but that didn't mean he had to be cooperative. He folded his arms across his chest and gave Nino an unimpressed look. "What business it is of yours?"
Nino's eyes narrowed and he pointed a finger accusingly at Jun's face. "This is Arashi's business and you know it." It was true, of course; if something went wrong, or someone got hurt, all five of them would bear the consequences.
Jun fought the urge to roll his eyes. "And how is this different from any other time? Why didn't you drag me out of the green room when Aiba lived with me for a week?" He knew the answer, of course, but he wanted Nino to say it.
Nino gave him a withering look. "Because you didn't have a crush on Aiba the size of Jupiter."
"I was fourteen, Nino. I've gotten over it."
Nino peered at him, looking for signs of a lie, but Jun gave him nothing. There wasn't anything to give. Jun didn't need to use his poker face; he just shrugged and unfolded his arms. "Fine," Nino huffed, almost sounding disappointed that Jun wasn't lying. "But if this ends badly, I'm abandoning you both on the side of the road somewhere." Which was Nino-speak for 'you're not getting any sympathy'.
But Jun didn't want Nino's sympathy, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't need it.
---
Without fear of emotional damage, Jun was able to relax about his arrangement with Sho and enjoy the benefits of it. He found himself more calm and focused, able to memorize his lines more easily, surviving each day better with restful sleep and making time to eat properly. Sho, on the other hand, didn't seem to reap any of these benefits, even though they largely got the same amount of sleep and Jun cooked for them both most nights.
It didn't help, of course, that Sho had been dieting far before The Quiz Show even started; he had all but announced it to the room as soon as he got the part. Jun had admired the commitment to the role in the beginning, but as filming progressed and Sho continued to restrict his eating, it started to seem foolish.
"Don't worry about it, Jun-pon." Aiba was the person Jun went to when he wanted to be reassured that everything would be okay, and he didn't disappoint. "Sho-chan can take care of himself."
Jun remained sullen, folding his arms and sinking down in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him. They were waiting in the back of the van for the others, Aiba flicking through a fashion magazine. Jun looked idly at it for a moment before huffing again. "He doesn't eat what I make him. Drinks plenty, but he won't eat."
Aiba folded the magazine closed in his lap and looked down at Jun. Jun knew he was being childish if even Aiba was giving him a condescending look, but he pouted anyway. "Jun, seriously, the man is twenty-seven years old. Besides, you know how he gets with dramas. Remember Yamada Tarou? We thought he was starving himself? And was going to die?"
"Aiba, that was just you and -"
"The point is, he was fine. He is fine. And unless you two are in love instead of just fucking, it's not really your business to find out." For Aiba, the advice was practically heartless, but Jun knew he was right.
The fact that he and Sho were having sex didn't change anything else about their relationship, and the general rules thereof stated that they didn't bring up anything unnecessary. And as long as neither of them was suffering physical or emotional pain (that they didn't ask for), nothing had warranted breaking that rule.
"You're right," Jun conceded, pulling himself back up from his slouch. He could hear the others rambling out of the studio, so he moved to reclaim his seat at the front. "Thanks, Aiba."
"Any time," Aiba said, turning back to his magazine as Nino and Ohno tried to squeeze through the van door at the same time. Amongst the ensuing name-calling, their manager yelling at them and Sho laughing at it all, Aiba called over the din. "Take care of him, though!"
---
Jun continued to make dinner for Sho whenever he could, and the meals continued to be picked at or refused. Every now and then, Sho would ask for a bowl of miso soup and rice, but that was the most Jun ever saw him eat at night. It wasn't unusual, really. They'd all dieted, with varying levels of success (Nino always ended up anemic, Ohno couldn't ever keep to a diet, and no matter how much Aiba ate it seemed to melt magically off him), and though miso soup and rice wasn't Jun's idea of a great diet, that was all it seemed to be. Besides, Jun didn't have time to make mountains out of molehills; it was too much effort to be paranoid. For all Jun knew, Sho was eating three bentos on set (though with Sho's cheekbones as visible as they were, he was pretty sure that wasn't the case).
What became increasingly difficult to ignore, however, was what went on in the bedroom.
"I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong, but there's a lot less of the sitting around, making out, hand jobs on the couch sort of thing, and much more of the... fucking me into the nearest flat surface until I scream sort of thing."
Ohno blinked at Jun and took a bite of the chocolate chip cookie in his hand. It crumbled and pieces clung to his lips and shirt, and Ohno looked calm and considerate as he chewed. "That sounds messy." Crumbs fell from his lips to the couch cushion as he spoke. "The hand jobs on the couch thing, not the other one," he amended as Jun grew increasingly concerned for his mental health.
"Oh-chan," Jun sighed, pressing his fingers to his temples. He would agree that Ohno was not perhaps the best person to seek advice from in this particular matter, but he also knew that Ohno was the only one who would listen without squirming over the details.
"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Jun," Ohno said, sounding apologetic as he finished the remainder of his cookie. "Sho-chan is stressed out right now, he's probably just getting through it with sex." Jun knew that, though. "You know that, though. I don't have any better of an answer for you. If you want answers you'll have to ask Sho, but I think you also know that saying something might upset the situation." He didn't have to add that upsetting the situation would leave them both without any stress relief for the last five weeks of filming.
"I know," Jun replied, feeling just as sulky as when he had spoken with Aiba. There was nothing he could do except resolve not to worry about it too much, which was difficult when it was his co-worker, friend, and fuck buddy whose issues was trying to ignore.
Ohno smiled and patted Jun on the thigh. "I'm glad you're keeping an eye on him, Jun. You're worrying too much now, but that means we can trust you to know when something is really wrong."
---
The first thing Jun noticed was Sho weakening.
Sho continued to perform at concerts, of course, and was just as wiped out afterwards as any of them, but the strength that seemed to go first was something Jun only noticed in bed.
One night, after a fairly routine day at work, Sho had pinned Jun facing the wall, fingers tight around his wrist and hip. Sho's grip was never painful, but Jun could tell it lacked energy this time, despite everything else being executed with full enthusiasm. Jun ignored it, though, eyes dropping closed as Sho breathed heavily against his ear and aligned their bodies.
"What, no fight in you tonight?" Sho murmured, teeth scraping the shell of Jun's ear. Jun huffed a laugh and faked a struggle, but the movement dislodged Sho's hands so easily that Jun spun around, catching the surprised look on Sho's face. It was there for only an instant, but Jun knew it meant that Sho had actually been trying to keep him down.
"Guess I don't know my own strength," Jun covered, smoothing over the awkwardness quickly and Sho returned eagerly to the kiss. It distracted them both long enough to find the heat again, the patterns they knew well by now, but Jun's subconscious worked through the moment all the same.
Later, when they were sticky and sated and on their way to sleep, the details returned to Jun's mind. The moment of weakness didn't necessarily mean anything, but it was significant. They always joked about Sho's muscles being for show, but Jun knew how strong Sho was, and he should have been able to hold fast against Jun's feigned struggle without even trying.
That night, with Sho's breath warm and rhythmic against his neck, it was easier to rest his mind rather than think it through; later, it proved much more difficult. Every time Sho complained of physical activity being difficult - running more than a few meters, lifting something heavy, giving Aiba a piggy-back ride - it was colored with the memory from that night. Under normal circumstances, Jun would have written off the complaints as play-acting, but sometimes he couldn't keep his concerns at bay.
"I am never -" Sho gasped for breath as he flopped onto the couch beside Jun, "racing you -" Aiba giggled and fell into his own chair across the room, "up the stairs -" Nino rolled his eyes from behind his book, "ever again."
"Sho-chan is too competitive," Ohno said sagely, crunching through a packet of potato chips.
"Sho-chan needs to stop taking my bets when he knows he's going to lose," Aiba crowed, standing again as though he had energy to spare after running up six flights of stairs. He might have been covered in sweat, but his breathing was barely labored.
Sho, on the other hand, was still gasping for breath, and Jun glanced over at him. There was a sheen of sweat on his pale forehead, too, and his eyes were puffy from who knows what deficiency. He looked like death warmed up, far too literally. "Sho-chan's going to kill himself if he doesn't watch out," he found himself saying.
Sho looked at Jun and furrowed his brow as though he wasn't lying there half-dead. Jun recognized the warning look behind the confusion, but refused to back down, raising his eyebrow as much in defiance as challenging Sho to disagree. The exchange barely lasted a second, but it spoke volumes.
Sho scoffed the next moment and Jun turned back to his script. "I'm not going to die. But I might stop taking Aiba's bets. Especially when it comes to running."
"Fastest legs in Johnny's!" Aiba called from the water cooler.
Jun let the subject change around him and hoped his words didn't have too much of an effect later on. Sho didn't address it during the day, and Jun had almost forgotten about it until he arrived home to find Sho doing push-ups in front of the living room television.
What bothered Jun wasn't the fact that Sho was using his living room as a gym, but that there was no earthly reason for Sho to be training in the first place. Even using the logic that every inexplicable thing Sho did was for his drama didn't work - Kamiyama was meant to be weakened, not strong. Clearly, Jun's words had had some effect, but this wasn't the result Jun had been looking for.
"Want to take a break for dinner?" Jun asked, startling Sho out of his rhythm. "It's after ten."
Sho didn't turn around but shook his head. "I already ate." Jun didn't believe him, but he didn't say anything. "I'll come join you for a beer in a few minutes."
The conversation didn't really feel stilted, but there was so much that each of them wasn't saying that it wore on Jun. He didn't have the energy to worry any more tonight, though, so he just nodded silently and shuffled into the kitchen. He could worry about all of it later.
---
Later came soon.
At first, Jun ignored what he saw. Sho's cheeks had been progressively slimming since he began dieting, and that was nothing special. Jun was able to look past the collarbones protruding from beneath V-necks and shirts, too, because he saw them almost every day and barely noticed the change.
But when he started to see the way Sho's skin stretched that much tighter over his hipbones, he couldn't ignore it anymore. Mostly because it was uncomfortable, Sho's hips and knees and elbows poking into him in a variety of awkward and painful ways, but also because it was concerning combined with everything else.
As much as Jun didn't have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be worried, he did. Bad eating habits were one thing. Exhaustion was another. Emotional stress was yet another, and they were all relatively normal for people in their profession. But when the results were increased sexual aggression, significant physical weakening, and drastic body changes, there was something altogether wrong. It felt like overreacting, because each of those things could be said about anyone in the entertainment industry, but all of the symptoms together gave Jun a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"You're overreacting." Nino was not the only person he could count on for an unbiased opinion, but he was the only person who understood Sho as well. Aiba and Ohno comforted him, but Nino wouldn't hesitate to give Jun the uncomfortable truth.
Of course, Jun trusted his gut much more than Nino. He frowned and folded his arms over his chest. He'd bought Nino dinner and a nice bottle of wine hoping to get a proper answer - someone agreeing with him for once - but this wasn't it. "I'm not overreacting. Did you not hear the part about the beer and miso diet? Or the complete lack of strength? Or the part where he promised to tear me apart?"
"Unfortunately," Nino said as he took another sip of wine, "I did. In great detail. What I'm concerned about is not Sho's choice of dirty talk, but the fact that you have clearly fallen for him again."
Jun rolled his eyes so hard he gave himself a split-second headache. "Ninomiya Kazunari," he began, speaking low and deliberately so that his meaning could not be obscured, "I promise you that my concern for Sho's mental health and well-being has nothing to do with romantic feelings I've been harboring since my pubescent days. Nothing."
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Nino said blithely, and Jun must have looked as murderous as he felt because Nino quickly changed the subject. "Okay, okay. Even if you're not in love with Sho, this isn't exactly news. We know what he's like. He's an idiot who pushes himself too far. You think that... thing he and I had in 2003 was just for kicks? The guy's a freak and likes to use us when he's stressed. But if he can bounce back from Kisarazu and all that bullshit, he can handle Quiz Show."
Jun narrowed his eyes at Nino and remained skeptical for a moment. Nino had a good point; Sho had done things like this before, and Jun shouldn't really have expected to be the only one to see this side of him. But it still felt wrong. Shouldn't Nino have said something back then, if things were just as serious as they were now? Wasn't he worried, not as someone in love with Sho but as a concerned co-worker witness to harmful behavior? As important as it was to not involve emotions, letting Sho self-destruct wasn't good for Arashi either.
Nino just shrugged and went back to his steak, cutting a corner off and chewing it idly. "Look, I get it. You're worried," he said as he chewed. "But you're not his mother and you're not his boyfriend so just forget about it. He might screw up and make some mistakes. You can be there to support him in the cleanup, but I wouldn't suggest trying to stop him fucking up."
Jun changed the subject. Nino had not given him an uncomfortable truth, or any constructive advice, just told him to forget it, which was what he had been trying to do for more than a month. It hadn't worked. Every little thing he noticed had added up to something insurmountable, and he couldn't just ignore it anymore.
When he returned to his apartment that night, everything - from the way Sho was sitting on the couch to the beer in his hand to the dangerous smirk on his face as he greeted Jun - crashed into him at once. He felt the pressure and weight of everything he had been neglecting to talk about settle heavily on his shoulders and he didn't know if he would be able to shake it. Certainly not tonight.
Sho made to get out of his seat, but Jun held up a hand. "I'm sorry," he said, sounding tired even to his own ears. "Not tonight."
At least, Jun thought to himself as Sho sat back without saying anything, he wasn't the only one sticking to the 'no questions' rule. He changed into his bed clothes and spent a few relaxing moments tidying up his room before joining Sho on the couch with a ridiculously large glass of wine.
"To Arashi," he said, raising his glass, "and the things we put up with for it."
---
After his conversation with Nino, everything in Jun's life seemed to unravel in a way that he wasn't used to. With every other drama or movie he'd been involved with, everything balanced out at the end as he became practiced at holding the threads of his life together. This time, as the pressure of keeping his concerns to himself started to outweigh any relief his arrangement with Sho afforded him, his work life began to suffer. He tripped over his lines during shooting for Smile, forgot his cues on their regular shows, and generally made a mess of things.
The worst part was that everyone noticed. Even Sho.
They were in the back of a cab one evening, heading home from a late filming of Music Station, when Sho broke the silence.
"So, are you okay?"
Jun looked over at Sho, knocked from his usual train of thought about how to get Sho to eat, and blinked a couple of times. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Sho looked skeptical, and spoke before Jun could really process that Sho was concerned about him. "I've just noticed you've been a little... well, distant. And not as... willing. In terms of what we're doing, here."
It was vague, as they were practically in public, but Jun knew exactly what Sho was talking about. He took a moment to get over the shock of irony and shook his head. "No, I'm... I'm fine. Really. Distracted, perhaps, but fine."
Sho narrowed his eyes and Jun couldn't believe that he was the subject of any scrutiny. But Sho just nodded and didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride. Once back at Jun's apartment, however, Sho seemed to find it a little easier to speak his mind.
"I know you said you're fine," he said by way of an opener, and Jun gripped the kitchen counter behind him to keep himself from screaming. "But I don't want this to get out of hand."
The phrasing confused Jun, and he didn't know how to respond. "What are you expecting to get out of hand?"
"Look, Jun," the patronizing tone grated against Jun's ears, "going into this, I knew about your feelings for me. I just expected you to be an adult about this and let me know if what we were doing was jeopardizing our friendship."
There was a buzzing in Jun's ears as Sho spoke, the indignation raising a red flush to his neck, and he could feel the lid on his feelings loosening as the seconds passed. He couldn't believe that Sho assumed that he had unresolved feelings for him. He wanted to blame Nino, but it didn't feel like something fueled by Nino's gossip; it felt like Sho honestly assuming that Jun's behavior had something to do with a crush from over a decade ago.
"I didn't want to ruin this with only a couple of weeks of filming left, but I just couldn't ignore it anymore," Sho said reasonably. Each word was a stab in Jun's own resolve to keep his mouth shut, and by the end of it there wasn't much left.
Jun gritted his teeth and hoped Sho wasn't looking at his white knuckles. "Sho," he said, as calmly as he could, "I'm not in love with you."
Sho looked confused, and it only served to drive Jun over the edge. "The reason I've been so distant is not because I've fallen in love with you." He knew he shouldn't continue, but the combination of righteous indignation and months of worry spurred him on, blood pounding through his veins as he spoke. "I've been worried sick about you and have been trying to keep it to myself. It's more difficult than it looks."
It was Sho's turn to express a mixture of confusion and indignation, and Jun would have laughed if he hadn't known what was coming next. "Worried? What have you been worried about?" The question was pointed, sharp, and Jun knew he was going to cut himself on it but he didn't care. He wasn't drunk but he felt it, light-headed with the relief from finally getting this off his chest.
"God, where to start? How about your eating habits? Starving yourself way past necessary for your role, refusing to eat, drinking nothing but light beer as though it could possibly sustain you for weeks and months of filming. I only assume it's for your role because you wouldn't be stupid enough to think that elbows the size of my wrists is actually attractive." Jun could see Sho's jaw stiffening, but he had already started. There was no stopping now.
"And don't forget the damaged psyche that comes out to play during sex, the one I have to assume you're channeling or juxtaposing against - again - some insignificant role. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and it was sexy for a while but it doesn't exactly ring true when the part's being played by a deranged anorexic who can't even hold me down long enough to fuck me.
"You're only falling apart in every way imaginable, but really, why on earth should I be worried? You've obviously got everything under control!"
The relief was palpable. Jun's fingers relaxed against the counter easily and he took a deep breath, only just remembering to hold his smile back. It was a cliche, but he felt instantly lighter, the pressure in his chest and on his shoulders released with the torrent of words, and he knew even as he spoke that Sho wouldn't react well, but it was worth it for his own sanity.
Sho didn't say anything for a moment. To the casual observer there was no change in his facial expression, but Jun could see through it. He had seen Sho run the gamut of emotions, and this was anger of the highest degree. Sho's fingers flexed as his hands hung by his sides, every muscle taut, and his face pinched with the effort of keeping himself in check.
"I'll be leaving now," Sho said, tilting his head slightly as he turned to exit the kitchen. Jun didn't stop him, just followed as Sho moved around the apartment, picking up everything he'd left over the weeks. It was strange to see the it all accumulate as it piled over Sho's arm.
"I'm sorry," Jun said after a while, choosing his words carefully. Not that he was entirely sure Sho would even listen. "For laying it all out like that. I don't think you're an idiot, or that you've failed, but I don't want you to end up permanently damaged by what you're doing, just for a role."
Sho remained impassive and didn't respond as he picked up the last of his things, taking them to the doorway and stuffing them haphazardly into his bag. Jun watched as he did so, waiting for any sort of reaction, but nothing happened until Sho stood up and slipped on his shoes. "Thank you," Sho said politely, bowing just slightly before turning to open the door. "I appreciate your hospitality up until now; apologies for putting you out. See you at work." The words stung in their distant politeness, and Jun rolled his eyes to cover how much it hurt.
"Come on, Sho-chan," he tried, but Sho ignored him and closed the door behind him. Jun thought about following him, but there was nothing he could do but wait out the silent treatment that was bound to follow.
---
"I see you decided not to take my advice," Nino said in the green room at NTV. It was the first day they all had to work together after Jun's outburst, and Sho had greeted each of them except for Jun. As soon as Sho left the room, Nino put his cards away and turned to Jun. Ohno and Aiba remained quiet, but Jun could see them watching quietly out of the corners of their eyes.
Jun frowned and wanted to ignore Nino, but there was already too much ignoring going on between the five of them. "I couldn't keep it up anymore," he said simply.
"Wow, too much information," Nino replied, and Jun just rolled his eyes, going back to his script. It was the second-to-last for Smile, which meant that this week was Sho's last for The Quiz Show. Jun hoped that meant Sho would let everything go soon, dismissing it all as just another part of the craziness of a drama series.
"Don't worry, Matsujun," Aiba said from across the room, not even pretending to read his manga. "Sho-chan will forgive you. He knows you were only trying to help."
Jun looked up and nodded grudgingly. He knew Aiba was right, but it didn't exactly help his situation right now. It would be a painful few weeks before Sho even thought about talking to him again, and he didn't want to live through it. This was easier than keeping everything to himself, because he was no longer consumed with worry for someone who was practically living with him, but it was going to be more difficult to work with someone who wouldn't speak with him off-camera.
The week dragged on considerably more slowly with Sho ignoring him, and after a few days Jun couldn't stand it. It was hard enough to exist in their common spaces of vans and green rooms and backstage areas without Sho speaking to him, but the juxtaposition with his friendliness when the cameras were on made it hurt all the more. After a few days, Jun tried to smooth things over by catching Sho after a shooting and pulling him aside. He saw Nino roll his eyes, but Aiba's thumbs up cancelled it out as Jun tried to keep Sho in place.
"Excuse me, Matsumoto-san, I have somewhere to be," Sho said, avoiding eye contact.
"I'll be quick," Jun promised, not loosening his grip on Sho's arm. He knew they were in a public hallway, so he kept his voice low as he spoke, looking directly at Sho's eyes in the hopes it might force their eyes to meet. "I wanted to apologize. I know it wasn't my place to say the things I did. Giving me the silent treatment might be an appropriate punishment, but it's just hurting us all. I hope you can forgive me, and I can promise you that it won't happen again."
Sho looked at Jun and it was clear that the apology didn't have much effect. "I appreciate the apology," Sho said crisply, wrenching out of Jun's grasp. "Good afternoon."
Jun huffed a sigh as Sho walked away, leaning against the wall to organize his thoughts. There wasn't much more he could do. He had apologized - twice - and played the Arashi guilt card they all kept for worst-case scenarios, but nothing had worked. Sho was being incredibly stubborn, and all Jun could hope for was that it would all blow over as their dramas ended and they each had a little time off between television seasons.
---
Jun was at a housewarming party when he got Aiba's message. "HELP!!!!! ANSWER ME QUICK!!!!" it said. While Jun was sure there was something interesting happening, it probably wasn't as important as Aiba made it out to be. Besides, Jun reasoned, it was his night off and he was trying to spend it in the company of people he barely knew so that they wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions. It was going to be an easy night of shallow conversation and quality wine, nothing more. What was most likely Aiba's cooking experiments gone wrong could not deter him from enjoying himself.
He silenced the first phone call and went back to his discussion about the best wine to pair with gruyere. It was blissfully vapid and Jun could have stayed there all night if his phone hadn't buzzed again. "IT'S SHO-CHAN!!!! MATSUJUN ANSWER ME!!!!" the phone blinked at him; Jun blinked back. He cursed the tightness that instantly gripped his chest and excused himself from the conversation as politely as he could. He made his way calmly but quickly through the crowd and ignored his ringing phone until he was on the balcony. He found an empty space and answered the call, hoping Aiba would answer shrieking about almost poisoning Sho with a new and disturbing version of mabo tofu.
Instead, Aiba made a strangled sort of noise before he spoke. "Matsujun," he said breathily, as though he'd been running.
"What is it?" He wasn't going to let himself panic, but he could feel tendrils of fear curling around his fingers as he tapped them impatiently on the railing.
"Sho-chan collapsed," Aiba said simply. Jun felt himself go cold despite the balmy June night, and his fingers gripped onto the railing.
"Is he okay? Where was he? Are you with him?" Jun asked in a rush, without even thinking about how desperate he sounded.
"I wasn't with him; tonight was the last night of filming, so he was with Yoko at the wrap party. Yoko called me and I'm on my way to the hospital. Where are you? I'll pick you up." Aiba hadn't answered the one question Jun was most concerned about, but Jun couldn't bring himself to ask again. Instead, he gave Aiba instructions on where to find him, excused himself to the host of the party, and left as quickly as he could.
The ride to the hospital with Aiba was painfully silent, except for the background hum of the radio and traffic, and Jun tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating. Aiba didn't know anything more than the name of the hospital, since his conversation with Yoko had been cut short by Sho's manager telling Yoko to stay at the party and tell stories about Sho's inability to hold his liquor.
When they got to the hospital, Sho's manager was in the hallway talking so loudly on his phone that they didn't need to ask which room was Sho's. Aiba stalled for Jun, distracting the manager by ranting frantically at him while Jun slipped behind them into the room. Inside, Jun startled a nurse, who looked set to berate him and tell him to leave when recognition clicked.
Jun smiled as charmingly as he could under the circumstances and glanced at Sho. He looked peaceful, just sleeping, with an IV drip in his wrist and a bandage around his head. It didn't look serious, but Jun had to ask. "How is he?"
"He'll be fine, Matsumoto-san," the nurse said with a gentle smile. He clearly didn't look as much charming as concerned. "He's severely dehydrated and has a nasty bump on the head from where he hit it against a table, but he will be fine with some rest."
Jun managed a proper smile this time and nodded. "And... his general health?"
"He needs to eat and sleep, but he will be fine." Jun assumed the concern on his face was visible, because she went on. "The IV drip is packed full of nutrients, and we've prescribed him a fancy-sounding multivitamin that should bring his levels back to normal within a month. I have a feeling that when the doctor suggests some lifestyle changes, Sakurai-san will be much more willing to listen."
Jun stared at her for a moment; it was as though she had seen right through him. He supposed she had plenty of experience with concerned friends and knew exactly what to say whatever the circumstances. He gave her another smile. "Thank you. May I...?" he asked, gesturing to the chairs beside the bed.
She nodded. "Of course, Matsumoto-san. Leave him to rest, though, and don't bring up anything too stressful when he does wake."
"I won't," Jun replied, taking a seat. "Oh, and could you not..." he said, pressing his finger to mouth and pointing at the door. It was a nice catch-all for not telling anyone, including Sho's manager.
"I understand," the nurse said with a wry smile, bowing slightly as she left the room. Aiba slipped inside as she left, presumably with permission (as Sho's manager didn't follow him screaming; it was a smart move not to let Aiba attract too much attention to himself outside).
"How is he?" Aiba asked, sounding fatigued as he sat down in the chair beside Jun.
"He'll be okay," Jun said, nodding.
Aiba took the answer without question, sliding down in his chair and closing his eyes. "I told you he would be fine."
Jun just shook his head and leaned back in his seat. He had no idea how the others could be so relaxed about this. Sure, this wasn't the first time one of them had been reckless with their health; it wasn't the first time one of them had gotten too into a role; it wasn't even the first time one of them had collapsed from exhaustion, but Jun had honestly thought that they were past it. Sho's behavior was the sort of thing juniors did, that new debuts promised they would never do again, and that senpai joked about. Their lives and jobs were busy, but they had learned to deal, and it was as though Sho had stubbornly ignored every lesson he had learned over the last ten years for no good reason.
Without worry to haunt him, or the energy to be angry that Sho hadn't listened to him, Jun just felt disappointed. He was sure Sho would learn from it, but that didn't stop Jun from feeling let down by the one member of Arashi he had thought would never be so foolish as to repeat rookie mistakes.
Jun fell asleep in his chair soon after Aiba drifted off, and woke later to the sound of quiet conversation.
"- only worried about you, you know. With reason, too."
"I know. Just..." Jun didn't really want to eavesdrop, though, so he stirred and pulled himself upright and blinked at the others.
"What time is it?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking on his wrist for a watch that wasn't there.
"Just after five," Aiba replied. Jun looked out of the window at the pale blue sky and rubbed his eyes harder.
"What, in the morning?" He asked incredulously, though it explained the painful crick in his neck.
"I'll get you some coffee," Aiba said, leaving before Jun could protest.
Jun rubbed his neck for a moment, delaying having to address Sho directly. Instead, Sho spoke first. "Hey," he said, and Jun looked over at him. He looked better now that he was awake, and the IV drip had clearly done something because there was color in his cheeks again. "Thanks for coming to check on me."
Jun shrugged. "Aiba picked me up, hysterical. Just wanted to see that you were okay." He wasn't about to make a big deal out of it, even if Sho was speaking to him again.
Sho smiled. "Hey, Jun," he said, as though they weren't already in the middle of a conversation. Jun raised his eyebrows, prompting him to continue. "You were right. About everything. I was being reckless, and I let myself get caught up in the role too much. And I hurt you in the process. I know I'm a handful sometimes, but I had... I had wanted to stop using you guys as a crutch, but it was difficult. I know it's too little, too late, but I'm sorry."
Jun didn't really know what to say. It was a complete turn around, and while he wasn't about to turn down an apology, it felt strange after more than a week of incredibly awkward silent treatment. He probably looked confused, too, because Sho laughed. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head too hard?" Jun asked after a while, which only made Sho laugh more.
"Yes, positive," Sho replied.
"Okay then," Jun said, nodding once and sitting up a little more. "Just... promise me that if there's a next time, you'll listen when I say I'm worried."
Sho nodded. "Promise."
"Because you know," Jun said, and didn't stop even though the door had opened, "the others are completely willing to let you work yourself to death, unlike me."
"Hey!" Aiba said, kicking Jun's chair leg ineffectually before handing him his coffee. "That's not true. We just hate the silent treatment."
Sho laughed again and Jun settled back into his chair, hands wrapped around the paper cup. If getting his concerns off his chest had been a relief, what he felt now was bliss. He would have preferred that none of it happened in the first place, but with an apology and a promise, Jun felt much better about the future.
---
"So you weren't in love with Sho?" Nino asked over yakiniku, which Jun had invited everyone out to after his filming for Smile had finished. As usual, Sho was too busy to make it, but the others were more than willing to make time for a free meal.
Jun thought better of his generosity as he rolled his eyes and snatched away the piece of meat Nino had been eyeing off. "No," he said through a delicious mouthful of beef. "I was never in love with Sho."
Nino frowned. "That's almost disappointing. I wanted this story to end with you and a broken heart. I was all ready to get Ohno to help you put the pieces of your soul back together."
"I had a poem ready and everything," Ohno nodded.
"Don't worry, Jun-pon," Aiba said, throwing his arm around Jun's shoulders as though it wasn't July and yakiniku was already a sweaty enough experience. "I didn't think you were in love with Sho-chan."
Jun grimaced as he could feel Aiba's sweat seep through the shoulder of his shirt. "Thanks, Aiba."
"That's such a lie," came a voice from the door of their private room. It was Sho, still in his newscaster gear, though his jacket was slung over his arm and his tie already loosened. Aiba cheered at Sho's presence, even though he was being accused of lying, and Ohno quietly brought Sho a chair.
"Oh yeah?" Jun prompted as Sho sat down and took a sip of the beer Nino had poured for him.
Sho grinned. "He told me I should watch to see if you started drawing my name all over your notebook, because that's how he knew you were in love with me when we were juniors."
Jun felt the heat of embarrassment, anger, and not a little alcohol rise to his cheeks as he turned to Aiba. "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"
Aiba scrambled a moment before catching onto something. "Hey, like you said, it was a decade ago. I thought you surely couldn't be embarrassed about it anymore."
Nino smirked from across the room. "Jun-kun has a keen sense of embarrassment. Remember when he told everyone he had found a secret level in Zelda and then he couldn't find his cartridge?"
"Oh my god you guys, I already told you, Toma stole my game and deleted-"
"You didn't even know Toma stole your game until last year!" Nino countered.
"Whatever," Jun said, ignoring the conversation around him as he reached for more meat to put on the grill.
"Do you remember the time Oh-chan caught Jun singing enka in the shower?" Aiba continued, giggling.
"I thought he was quite good, actually," Ohno said equitably.
"Now who's the liar?" Nino said, biting back a laugh.
In the ensuing cacophony, Sho leaned over to Jun. "Congratulations on your drama this season. It couldn't have been easy, playing such a difficult role. Especially with your bandmate being a complete dick."
Jun smiled wryly, though he didn't look at Sho, concentrating on the grill in front of him. "Same to you," he said, taking a few cooked pieces and putting them on Sho's plate. "Now, eat up." He caught Sho's eyes and they shared a smile.
Everything was back to normal, and Jun was relieved. It might not be the last time any of them made a mistake or was stubborn to a fault, but he hoped that it might not be as dramatic as this time. And as he looked around at the rest of Arashi, he couldn't help but think they had a better chance than any of surviving their own future.
the end
The fourth time it happened, there was no denying it would continue.
"Should we make this a regular thing, then?" Sho's voice was hot over Jun's ear in the cramped space of the broom closet. This time, Sho hadn't waited to leave the studio and get back to Jun's apartment; Jun was just thankful their work was over.
The question rang in Jun's ear, and Jun tried not to get distracted with the way Sho was tugging at his jeans. He supposed it made a modicum of sense; the two of them were on similar clocks, work-wise. Their dramas kept them awake late at night learning lines, the shootings were at similar times and places, and Jun had always lived closer to the city than Sho. Not to mention that the hectic schedule barely left time to jerk off in the shower let alone find someone to share a bed with at night, so the offer was practical. Efficient. Even without Sho's hand down his pants, Jun would admit that the idea had some merit.
"Only... because it's convenient," Jun managed to gasp out, as Sho's mouth trailed along his jaw and his hand curved around the bulge in his underwear.
"Nothing more," Sho promised in a whisper against Jun's throat, and Jun believed him.
There was no reason not to believe him, either. They both knew that the person more likely to fall was Jun, and Jun had already examined his feelings and found nothing. He had always thought that crossing this line with Sho would reignite the schoolboy crush he had had on his senpai and spell disaster, but that was clearly not the case. If Jun could get through three completely different and very charged experiences without anything like lovesickness gripping his heart, nothing was going to go wrong on his end.
---
There was a part of Jun that hoped Arashi wouldn't find out. He was fairly sure that Sho wasn't telling anyone, and he certainly wasn't about to but, of course, silence didn't stop things from slipping. Aside from constantly turning up to meetings together, Sho wore something from Jun's closet almost every day, and if there was one thing that Arashi noticed it was shared clothing. Nobody said anything for the first week, but in the second week, Nino snapped and dragged Jun out of the green room as soon as he and Sho entered.
"What do you think you're doing?" Nino asked once the stairwell door closed behind them.
Jun knew it was useless to deny anything, but that didn't mean he had to be cooperative. He folded his arms across his chest and gave Nino an unimpressed look. "What business it is of yours?"
Nino's eyes narrowed and he pointed a finger accusingly at Jun's face. "This is Arashi's business and you know it." It was true, of course; if something went wrong, or someone got hurt, all five of them would bear the consequences.
Jun fought the urge to roll his eyes. "And how is this different from any other time? Why didn't you drag me out of the green room when Aiba lived with me for a week?" He knew the answer, of course, but he wanted Nino to say it.
Nino gave him a withering look. "Because you didn't have a crush on Aiba the size of Jupiter."
"I was fourteen, Nino. I've gotten over it."
Nino peered at him, looking for signs of a lie, but Jun gave him nothing. There wasn't anything to give. Jun didn't need to use his poker face; he just shrugged and unfolded his arms. "Fine," Nino huffed, almost sounding disappointed that Jun wasn't lying. "But if this ends badly, I'm abandoning you both on the side of the road somewhere." Which was Nino-speak for 'you're not getting any sympathy'.
But Jun didn't want Nino's sympathy, and he was pretty sure he wouldn't need it.
---
Without fear of emotional damage, Jun was able to relax about his arrangement with Sho and enjoy the benefits of it. He found himself more calm and focused, able to memorize his lines more easily, surviving each day better with restful sleep and making time to eat properly. Sho, on the other hand, didn't seem to reap any of these benefits, even though they largely got the same amount of sleep and Jun cooked for them both most nights.
It didn't help, of course, that Sho had been dieting far before The Quiz Show even started; he had all but announced it to the room as soon as he got the part. Jun had admired the commitment to the role in the beginning, but as filming progressed and Sho continued to restrict his eating, it started to seem foolish.
"Don't worry about it, Jun-pon." Aiba was the person Jun went to when he wanted to be reassured that everything would be okay, and he didn't disappoint. "Sho-chan can take care of himself."
Jun remained sullen, folding his arms and sinking down in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him. They were waiting in the back of the van for the others, Aiba flicking through a fashion magazine. Jun looked idly at it for a moment before huffing again. "He doesn't eat what I make him. Drinks plenty, but he won't eat."
Aiba folded the magazine closed in his lap and looked down at Jun. Jun knew he was being childish if even Aiba was giving him a condescending look, but he pouted anyway. "Jun, seriously, the man is twenty-seven years old. Besides, you know how he gets with dramas. Remember Yamada Tarou? We thought he was starving himself? And was going to die?"
"Aiba, that was just you and -"
"The point is, he was fine. He is fine. And unless you two are in love instead of just fucking, it's not really your business to find out." For Aiba, the advice was practically heartless, but Jun knew he was right.
The fact that he and Sho were having sex didn't change anything else about their relationship, and the general rules thereof stated that they didn't bring up anything unnecessary. And as long as neither of them was suffering physical or emotional pain (that they didn't ask for), nothing had warranted breaking that rule.
"You're right," Jun conceded, pulling himself back up from his slouch. He could hear the others rambling out of the studio, so he moved to reclaim his seat at the front. "Thanks, Aiba."
"Any time," Aiba said, turning back to his magazine as Nino and Ohno tried to squeeze through the van door at the same time. Amongst the ensuing name-calling, their manager yelling at them and Sho laughing at it all, Aiba called over the din. "Take care of him, though!"
---
Jun continued to make dinner for Sho whenever he could, and the meals continued to be picked at or refused. Every now and then, Sho would ask for a bowl of miso soup and rice, but that was the most Jun ever saw him eat at night. It wasn't unusual, really. They'd all dieted, with varying levels of success (Nino always ended up anemic, Ohno couldn't ever keep to a diet, and no matter how much Aiba ate it seemed to melt magically off him), and though miso soup and rice wasn't Jun's idea of a great diet, that was all it seemed to be. Besides, Jun didn't have time to make mountains out of molehills; it was too much effort to be paranoid. For all Jun knew, Sho was eating three bentos on set (though with Sho's cheekbones as visible as they were, he was pretty sure that wasn't the case).
What became increasingly difficult to ignore, however, was what went on in the bedroom.
"I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong, but there's a lot less of the sitting around, making out, hand jobs on the couch sort of thing, and much more of the... fucking me into the nearest flat surface until I scream sort of thing."
Ohno blinked at Jun and took a bite of the chocolate chip cookie in his hand. It crumbled and pieces clung to his lips and shirt, and Ohno looked calm and considerate as he chewed. "That sounds messy." Crumbs fell from his lips to the couch cushion as he spoke. "The hand jobs on the couch thing, not the other one," he amended as Jun grew increasingly concerned for his mental health.
"Oh-chan," Jun sighed, pressing his fingers to his temples. He would agree that Ohno was not perhaps the best person to seek advice from in this particular matter, but he also knew that Ohno was the only one who would listen without squirming over the details.
"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Jun," Ohno said, sounding apologetic as he finished the remainder of his cookie. "Sho-chan is stressed out right now, he's probably just getting through it with sex." Jun knew that, though. "You know that, though. I don't have any better of an answer for you. If you want answers you'll have to ask Sho, but I think you also know that saying something might upset the situation." He didn't have to add that upsetting the situation would leave them both without any stress relief for the last five weeks of filming.
"I know," Jun replied, feeling just as sulky as when he had spoken with Aiba. There was nothing he could do except resolve not to worry about it too much, which was difficult when it was his co-worker, friend, and fuck buddy whose issues was trying to ignore.
Ohno smiled and patted Jun on the thigh. "I'm glad you're keeping an eye on him, Jun. You're worrying too much now, but that means we can trust you to know when something is really wrong."
---
The first thing Jun noticed was Sho weakening.
Sho continued to perform at concerts, of course, and was just as wiped out afterwards as any of them, but the strength that seemed to go first was something Jun only noticed in bed.
One night, after a fairly routine day at work, Sho had pinned Jun facing the wall, fingers tight around his wrist and hip. Sho's grip was never painful, but Jun could tell it lacked energy this time, despite everything else being executed with full enthusiasm. Jun ignored it, though, eyes dropping closed as Sho breathed heavily against his ear and aligned their bodies.
"What, no fight in you tonight?" Sho murmured, teeth scraping the shell of Jun's ear. Jun huffed a laugh and faked a struggle, but the movement dislodged Sho's hands so easily that Jun spun around, catching the surprised look on Sho's face. It was there for only an instant, but Jun knew it meant that Sho had actually been trying to keep him down.
"Guess I don't know my own strength," Jun covered, smoothing over the awkwardness quickly and Sho returned eagerly to the kiss. It distracted them both long enough to find the heat again, the patterns they knew well by now, but Jun's subconscious worked through the moment all the same.
Later, when they were sticky and sated and on their way to sleep, the details returned to Jun's mind. The moment of weakness didn't necessarily mean anything, but it was significant. They always joked about Sho's muscles being for show, but Jun knew how strong Sho was, and he should have been able to hold fast against Jun's feigned struggle without even trying.
That night, with Sho's breath warm and rhythmic against his neck, it was easier to rest his mind rather than think it through; later, it proved much more difficult. Every time Sho complained of physical activity being difficult - running more than a few meters, lifting something heavy, giving Aiba a piggy-back ride - it was colored with the memory from that night. Under normal circumstances, Jun would have written off the complaints as play-acting, but sometimes he couldn't keep his concerns at bay.
"I am never -" Sho gasped for breath as he flopped onto the couch beside Jun, "racing you -" Aiba giggled and fell into his own chair across the room, "up the stairs -" Nino rolled his eyes from behind his book, "ever again."
"Sho-chan is too competitive," Ohno said sagely, crunching through a packet of potato chips.
"Sho-chan needs to stop taking my bets when he knows he's going to lose," Aiba crowed, standing again as though he had energy to spare after running up six flights of stairs. He might have been covered in sweat, but his breathing was barely labored.
Sho, on the other hand, was still gasping for breath, and Jun glanced over at him. There was a sheen of sweat on his pale forehead, too, and his eyes were puffy from who knows what deficiency. He looked like death warmed up, far too literally. "Sho-chan's going to kill himself if he doesn't watch out," he found himself saying.
Sho looked at Jun and furrowed his brow as though he wasn't lying there half-dead. Jun recognized the warning look behind the confusion, but refused to back down, raising his eyebrow as much in defiance as challenging Sho to disagree. The exchange barely lasted a second, but it spoke volumes.
Sho scoffed the next moment and Jun turned back to his script. "I'm not going to die. But I might stop taking Aiba's bets. Especially when it comes to running."
"Fastest legs in Johnny's!" Aiba called from the water cooler.
Jun let the subject change around him and hoped his words didn't have too much of an effect later on. Sho didn't address it during the day, and Jun had almost forgotten about it until he arrived home to find Sho doing push-ups in front of the living room television.
What bothered Jun wasn't the fact that Sho was using his living room as a gym, but that there was no earthly reason for Sho to be training in the first place. Even using the logic that every inexplicable thing Sho did was for his drama didn't work - Kamiyama was meant to be weakened, not strong. Clearly, Jun's words had had some effect, but this wasn't the result Jun had been looking for.
"Want to take a break for dinner?" Jun asked, startling Sho out of his rhythm. "It's after ten."
Sho didn't turn around but shook his head. "I already ate." Jun didn't believe him, but he didn't say anything. "I'll come join you for a beer in a few minutes."
The conversation didn't really feel stilted, but there was so much that each of them wasn't saying that it wore on Jun. He didn't have the energy to worry any more tonight, though, so he just nodded silently and shuffled into the kitchen. He could worry about all of it later.
---
Later came soon.
At first, Jun ignored what he saw. Sho's cheeks had been progressively slimming since he began dieting, and that was nothing special. Jun was able to look past the collarbones protruding from beneath V-necks and shirts, too, because he saw them almost every day and barely noticed the change.
But when he started to see the way Sho's skin stretched that much tighter over his hipbones, he couldn't ignore it anymore. Mostly because it was uncomfortable, Sho's hips and knees and elbows poking into him in a variety of awkward and painful ways, but also because it was concerning combined with everything else.
As much as Jun didn't have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to be worried, he did. Bad eating habits were one thing. Exhaustion was another. Emotional stress was yet another, and they were all relatively normal for people in their profession. But when the results were increased sexual aggression, significant physical weakening, and drastic body changes, there was something altogether wrong. It felt like overreacting, because each of those things could be said about anyone in the entertainment industry, but all of the symptoms together gave Jun a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"You're overreacting." Nino was not the only person he could count on for an unbiased opinion, but he was the only person who understood Sho as well. Aiba and Ohno comforted him, but Nino wouldn't hesitate to give Jun the uncomfortable truth.
Of course, Jun trusted his gut much more than Nino. He frowned and folded his arms over his chest. He'd bought Nino dinner and a nice bottle of wine hoping to get a proper answer - someone agreeing with him for once - but this wasn't it. "I'm not overreacting. Did you not hear the part about the beer and miso diet? Or the complete lack of strength? Or the part where he promised to tear me apart?"
"Unfortunately," Nino said as he took another sip of wine, "I did. In great detail. What I'm concerned about is not Sho's choice of dirty talk, but the fact that you have clearly fallen for him again."
Jun rolled his eyes so hard he gave himself a split-second headache. "Ninomiya Kazunari," he began, speaking low and deliberately so that his meaning could not be obscured, "I promise you that my concern for Sho's mental health and well-being has nothing to do with romantic feelings I've been harboring since my pubescent days. Nothing."
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Nino said blithely, and Jun must have looked as murderous as he felt because Nino quickly changed the subject. "Okay, okay. Even if you're not in love with Sho, this isn't exactly news. We know what he's like. He's an idiot who pushes himself too far. You think that... thing he and I had in 2003 was just for kicks? The guy's a freak and likes to use us when he's stressed. But if he can bounce back from Kisarazu and all that bullshit, he can handle Quiz Show."
Jun narrowed his eyes at Nino and remained skeptical for a moment. Nino had a good point; Sho had done things like this before, and Jun shouldn't really have expected to be the only one to see this side of him. But it still felt wrong. Shouldn't Nino have said something back then, if things were just as serious as they were now? Wasn't he worried, not as someone in love with Sho but as a concerned co-worker witness to harmful behavior? As important as it was to not involve emotions, letting Sho self-destruct wasn't good for Arashi either.
Nino just shrugged and went back to his steak, cutting a corner off and chewing it idly. "Look, I get it. You're worried," he said as he chewed. "But you're not his mother and you're not his boyfriend so just forget about it. He might screw up and make some mistakes. You can be there to support him in the cleanup, but I wouldn't suggest trying to stop him fucking up."
Jun changed the subject. Nino had not given him an uncomfortable truth, or any constructive advice, just told him to forget it, which was what he had been trying to do for more than a month. It hadn't worked. Every little thing he noticed had added up to something insurmountable, and he couldn't just ignore it anymore.
When he returned to his apartment that night, everything - from the way Sho was sitting on the couch to the beer in his hand to the dangerous smirk on his face as he greeted Jun - crashed into him at once. He felt the pressure and weight of everything he had been neglecting to talk about settle heavily on his shoulders and he didn't know if he would be able to shake it. Certainly not tonight.
Sho made to get out of his seat, but Jun held up a hand. "I'm sorry," he said, sounding tired even to his own ears. "Not tonight."
At least, Jun thought to himself as Sho sat back without saying anything, he wasn't the only one sticking to the 'no questions' rule. He changed into his bed clothes and spent a few relaxing moments tidying up his room before joining Sho on the couch with a ridiculously large glass of wine.
"To Arashi," he said, raising his glass, "and the things we put up with for it."
---
After his conversation with Nino, everything in Jun's life seemed to unravel in a way that he wasn't used to. With every other drama or movie he'd been involved with, everything balanced out at the end as he became practiced at holding the threads of his life together. This time, as the pressure of keeping his concerns to himself started to outweigh any relief his arrangement with Sho afforded him, his work life began to suffer. He tripped over his lines during shooting for Smile, forgot his cues on their regular shows, and generally made a mess of things.
The worst part was that everyone noticed. Even Sho.
They were in the back of a cab one evening, heading home from a late filming of Music Station, when Sho broke the silence.
"So, are you okay?"
Jun looked over at Sho, knocked from his usual train of thought about how to get Sho to eat, and blinked a couple of times. "Yeah, I'm fine."
Sho looked skeptical, and spoke before Jun could really process that Sho was concerned about him. "I've just noticed you've been a little... well, distant. And not as... willing. In terms of what we're doing, here."
It was vague, as they were practically in public, but Jun knew exactly what Sho was talking about. He took a moment to get over the shock of irony and shook his head. "No, I'm... I'm fine. Really. Distracted, perhaps, but fine."
Sho narrowed his eyes and Jun couldn't believe that he was the subject of any scrutiny. But Sho just nodded and didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride. Once back at Jun's apartment, however, Sho seemed to find it a little easier to speak his mind.
"I know you said you're fine," he said by way of an opener, and Jun gripped the kitchen counter behind him to keep himself from screaming. "But I don't want this to get out of hand."
The phrasing confused Jun, and he didn't know how to respond. "What are you expecting to get out of hand?"
"Look, Jun," the patronizing tone grated against Jun's ears, "going into this, I knew about your feelings for me. I just expected you to be an adult about this and let me know if what we were doing was jeopardizing our friendship."
There was a buzzing in Jun's ears as Sho spoke, the indignation raising a red flush to his neck, and he could feel the lid on his feelings loosening as the seconds passed. He couldn't believe that Sho assumed that he had unresolved feelings for him. He wanted to blame Nino, but it didn't feel like something fueled by Nino's gossip; it felt like Sho honestly assuming that Jun's behavior had something to do with a crush from over a decade ago.
"I didn't want to ruin this with only a couple of weeks of filming left, but I just couldn't ignore it anymore," Sho said reasonably. Each word was a stab in Jun's own resolve to keep his mouth shut, and by the end of it there wasn't much left.
Jun gritted his teeth and hoped Sho wasn't looking at his white knuckles. "Sho," he said, as calmly as he could, "I'm not in love with you."
Sho looked confused, and it only served to drive Jun over the edge. "The reason I've been so distant is not because I've fallen in love with you." He knew he shouldn't continue, but the combination of righteous indignation and months of worry spurred him on, blood pounding through his veins as he spoke. "I've been worried sick about you and have been trying to keep it to myself. It's more difficult than it looks."
It was Sho's turn to express a mixture of confusion and indignation, and Jun would have laughed if he hadn't known what was coming next. "Worried? What have you been worried about?" The question was pointed, sharp, and Jun knew he was going to cut himself on it but he didn't care. He wasn't drunk but he felt it, light-headed with the relief from finally getting this off his chest.
"God, where to start? How about your eating habits? Starving yourself way past necessary for your role, refusing to eat, drinking nothing but light beer as though it could possibly sustain you for weeks and months of filming. I only assume it's for your role because you wouldn't be stupid enough to think that elbows the size of my wrists is actually attractive." Jun could see Sho's jaw stiffening, but he had already started. There was no stopping now.
"And don't forget the damaged psyche that comes out to play during sex, the one I have to assume you're channeling or juxtaposing against - again - some insignificant role. Don't get me wrong, I like it, and it was sexy for a while but it doesn't exactly ring true when the part's being played by a deranged anorexic who can't even hold me down long enough to fuck me.
"You're only falling apart in every way imaginable, but really, why on earth should I be worried? You've obviously got everything under control!"
The relief was palpable. Jun's fingers relaxed against the counter easily and he took a deep breath, only just remembering to hold his smile back. It was a cliche, but he felt instantly lighter, the pressure in his chest and on his shoulders released with the torrent of words, and he knew even as he spoke that Sho wouldn't react well, but it was worth it for his own sanity.
Sho didn't say anything for a moment. To the casual observer there was no change in his facial expression, but Jun could see through it. He had seen Sho run the gamut of emotions, and this was anger of the highest degree. Sho's fingers flexed as his hands hung by his sides, every muscle taut, and his face pinched with the effort of keeping himself in check.
"I'll be leaving now," Sho said, tilting his head slightly as he turned to exit the kitchen. Jun didn't stop him, just followed as Sho moved around the apartment, picking up everything he'd left over the weeks. It was strange to see the it all accumulate as it piled over Sho's arm.
"I'm sorry," Jun said after a while, choosing his words carefully. Not that he was entirely sure Sho would even listen. "For laying it all out like that. I don't think you're an idiot, or that you've failed, but I don't want you to end up permanently damaged by what you're doing, just for a role."
Sho remained impassive and didn't respond as he picked up the last of his things, taking them to the doorway and stuffing them haphazardly into his bag. Jun watched as he did so, waiting for any sort of reaction, but nothing happened until Sho stood up and slipped on his shoes. "Thank you," Sho said politely, bowing just slightly before turning to open the door. "I appreciate your hospitality up until now; apologies for putting you out. See you at work." The words stung in their distant politeness, and Jun rolled his eyes to cover how much it hurt.
"Come on, Sho-chan," he tried, but Sho ignored him and closed the door behind him. Jun thought about following him, but there was nothing he could do but wait out the silent treatment that was bound to follow.
---
"I see you decided not to take my advice," Nino said in the green room at NTV. It was the first day they all had to work together after Jun's outburst, and Sho had greeted each of them except for Jun. As soon as Sho left the room, Nino put his cards away and turned to Jun. Ohno and Aiba remained quiet, but Jun could see them watching quietly out of the corners of their eyes.
Jun frowned and wanted to ignore Nino, but there was already too much ignoring going on between the five of them. "I couldn't keep it up anymore," he said simply.
"Wow, too much information," Nino replied, and Jun just rolled his eyes, going back to his script. It was the second-to-last for Smile, which meant that this week was Sho's last for The Quiz Show. Jun hoped that meant Sho would let everything go soon, dismissing it all as just another part of the craziness of a drama series.
"Don't worry, Matsujun," Aiba said from across the room, not even pretending to read his manga. "Sho-chan will forgive you. He knows you were only trying to help."
Jun looked up and nodded grudgingly. He knew Aiba was right, but it didn't exactly help his situation right now. It would be a painful few weeks before Sho even thought about talking to him again, and he didn't want to live through it. This was easier than keeping everything to himself, because he was no longer consumed with worry for someone who was practically living with him, but it was going to be more difficult to work with someone who wouldn't speak with him off-camera.
The week dragged on considerably more slowly with Sho ignoring him, and after a few days Jun couldn't stand it. It was hard enough to exist in their common spaces of vans and green rooms and backstage areas without Sho speaking to him, but the juxtaposition with his friendliness when the cameras were on made it hurt all the more. After a few days, Jun tried to smooth things over by catching Sho after a shooting and pulling him aside. He saw Nino roll his eyes, but Aiba's thumbs up cancelled it out as Jun tried to keep Sho in place.
"Excuse me, Matsumoto-san, I have somewhere to be," Sho said, avoiding eye contact.
"I'll be quick," Jun promised, not loosening his grip on Sho's arm. He knew they were in a public hallway, so he kept his voice low as he spoke, looking directly at Sho's eyes in the hopes it might force their eyes to meet. "I wanted to apologize. I know it wasn't my place to say the things I did. Giving me the silent treatment might be an appropriate punishment, but it's just hurting us all. I hope you can forgive me, and I can promise you that it won't happen again."
Sho looked at Jun and it was clear that the apology didn't have much effect. "I appreciate the apology," Sho said crisply, wrenching out of Jun's grasp. "Good afternoon."
Jun huffed a sigh as Sho walked away, leaning against the wall to organize his thoughts. There wasn't much more he could do. He had apologized - twice - and played the Arashi guilt card they all kept for worst-case scenarios, but nothing had worked. Sho was being incredibly stubborn, and all Jun could hope for was that it would all blow over as their dramas ended and they each had a little time off between television seasons.
---
Jun was at a housewarming party when he got Aiba's message. "HELP!!!!! ANSWER ME QUICK!!!!" it said. While Jun was sure there was something interesting happening, it probably wasn't as important as Aiba made it out to be. Besides, Jun reasoned, it was his night off and he was trying to spend it in the company of people he barely knew so that they wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions. It was going to be an easy night of shallow conversation and quality wine, nothing more. What was most likely Aiba's cooking experiments gone wrong could not deter him from enjoying himself.
He silenced the first phone call and went back to his discussion about the best wine to pair with gruyere. It was blissfully vapid and Jun could have stayed there all night if his phone hadn't buzzed again. "IT'S SHO-CHAN!!!! MATSUJUN ANSWER ME!!!!" the phone blinked at him; Jun blinked back. He cursed the tightness that instantly gripped his chest and excused himself from the conversation as politely as he could. He made his way calmly but quickly through the crowd and ignored his ringing phone until he was on the balcony. He found an empty space and answered the call, hoping Aiba would answer shrieking about almost poisoning Sho with a new and disturbing version of mabo tofu.
Instead, Aiba made a strangled sort of noise before he spoke. "Matsujun," he said breathily, as though he'd been running.
"What is it?" He wasn't going to let himself panic, but he could feel tendrils of fear curling around his fingers as he tapped them impatiently on the railing.
"Sho-chan collapsed," Aiba said simply. Jun felt himself go cold despite the balmy June night, and his fingers gripped onto the railing.
"Is he okay? Where was he? Are you with him?" Jun asked in a rush, without even thinking about how desperate he sounded.
"I wasn't with him; tonight was the last night of filming, so he was with Yoko at the wrap party. Yoko called me and I'm on my way to the hospital. Where are you? I'll pick you up." Aiba hadn't answered the one question Jun was most concerned about, but Jun couldn't bring himself to ask again. Instead, he gave Aiba instructions on where to find him, excused himself to the host of the party, and left as quickly as he could.
The ride to the hospital with Aiba was painfully silent, except for the background hum of the radio and traffic, and Jun tried to ignore how fast his heart was beating. Aiba didn't know anything more than the name of the hospital, since his conversation with Yoko had been cut short by Sho's manager telling Yoko to stay at the party and tell stories about Sho's inability to hold his liquor.
When they got to the hospital, Sho's manager was in the hallway talking so loudly on his phone that they didn't need to ask which room was Sho's. Aiba stalled for Jun, distracting the manager by ranting frantically at him while Jun slipped behind them into the room. Inside, Jun startled a nurse, who looked set to berate him and tell him to leave when recognition clicked.
Jun smiled as charmingly as he could under the circumstances and glanced at Sho. He looked peaceful, just sleeping, with an IV drip in his wrist and a bandage around his head. It didn't look serious, but Jun had to ask. "How is he?"
"He'll be fine, Matsumoto-san," the nurse said with a gentle smile. He clearly didn't look as much charming as concerned. "He's severely dehydrated and has a nasty bump on the head from where he hit it against a table, but he will be fine with some rest."
Jun managed a proper smile this time and nodded. "And... his general health?"
"He needs to eat and sleep, but he will be fine." Jun assumed the concern on his face was visible, because she went on. "The IV drip is packed full of nutrients, and we've prescribed him a fancy-sounding multivitamin that should bring his levels back to normal within a month. I have a feeling that when the doctor suggests some lifestyle changes, Sakurai-san will be much more willing to listen."
Jun stared at her for a moment; it was as though she had seen right through him. He supposed she had plenty of experience with concerned friends and knew exactly what to say whatever the circumstances. He gave her another smile. "Thank you. May I...?" he asked, gesturing to the chairs beside the bed.
She nodded. "Of course, Matsumoto-san. Leave him to rest, though, and don't bring up anything too stressful when he does wake."
"I won't," Jun replied, taking a seat. "Oh, and could you not..." he said, pressing his finger to mouth and pointing at the door. It was a nice catch-all for not telling anyone, including Sho's manager.
"I understand," the nurse said with a wry smile, bowing slightly as she left the room. Aiba slipped inside as she left, presumably with permission (as Sho's manager didn't follow him screaming; it was a smart move not to let Aiba attract too much attention to himself outside).
"How is he?" Aiba asked, sounding fatigued as he sat down in the chair beside Jun.
"He'll be okay," Jun said, nodding.
Aiba took the answer without question, sliding down in his chair and closing his eyes. "I told you he would be fine."
Jun just shook his head and leaned back in his seat. He had no idea how the others could be so relaxed about this. Sure, this wasn't the first time one of them had been reckless with their health; it wasn't the first time one of them had gotten too into a role; it wasn't even the first time one of them had collapsed from exhaustion, but Jun had honestly thought that they were past it. Sho's behavior was the sort of thing juniors did, that new debuts promised they would never do again, and that senpai joked about. Their lives and jobs were busy, but they had learned to deal, and it was as though Sho had stubbornly ignored every lesson he had learned over the last ten years for no good reason.
Without worry to haunt him, or the energy to be angry that Sho hadn't listened to him, Jun just felt disappointed. He was sure Sho would learn from it, but that didn't stop Jun from feeling let down by the one member of Arashi he had thought would never be so foolish as to repeat rookie mistakes.
Jun fell asleep in his chair soon after Aiba drifted off, and woke later to the sound of quiet conversation.
"- only worried about you, you know. With reason, too."
"I know. Just..." Jun didn't really want to eavesdrop, though, so he stirred and pulled himself upright and blinked at the others.
"What time is it?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes and looking on his wrist for a watch that wasn't there.
"Just after five," Aiba replied. Jun looked out of the window at the pale blue sky and rubbed his eyes harder.
"What, in the morning?" He asked incredulously, though it explained the painful crick in his neck.
"I'll get you some coffee," Aiba said, leaving before Jun could protest.
Jun rubbed his neck for a moment, delaying having to address Sho directly. Instead, Sho spoke first. "Hey," he said, and Jun looked over at him. He looked better now that he was awake, and the IV drip had clearly done something because there was color in his cheeks again. "Thanks for coming to check on me."
Jun shrugged. "Aiba picked me up, hysterical. Just wanted to see that you were okay." He wasn't about to make a big deal out of it, even if Sho was speaking to him again.
Sho smiled. "Hey, Jun," he said, as though they weren't already in the middle of a conversation. Jun raised his eyebrows, prompting him to continue. "You were right. About everything. I was being reckless, and I let myself get caught up in the role too much. And I hurt you in the process. I know I'm a handful sometimes, but I had... I had wanted to stop using you guys as a crutch, but it was difficult. I know it's too little, too late, but I'm sorry."
Jun didn't really know what to say. It was a complete turn around, and while he wasn't about to turn down an apology, it felt strange after more than a week of incredibly awkward silent treatment. He probably looked confused, too, because Sho laughed. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head too hard?" Jun asked after a while, which only made Sho laugh more.
"Yes, positive," Sho replied.
"Okay then," Jun said, nodding once and sitting up a little more. "Just... promise me that if there's a next time, you'll listen when I say I'm worried."
Sho nodded. "Promise."
"Because you know," Jun said, and didn't stop even though the door had opened, "the others are completely willing to let you work yourself to death, unlike me."
"Hey!" Aiba said, kicking Jun's chair leg ineffectually before handing him his coffee. "That's not true. We just hate the silent treatment."
Sho laughed again and Jun settled back into his chair, hands wrapped around the paper cup. If getting his concerns off his chest had been a relief, what he felt now was bliss. He would have preferred that none of it happened in the first place, but with an apology and a promise, Jun felt much better about the future.
---
"So you weren't in love with Sho?" Nino asked over yakiniku, which Jun had invited everyone out to after his filming for Smile had finished. As usual, Sho was too busy to make it, but the others were more than willing to make time for a free meal.
Jun thought better of his generosity as he rolled his eyes and snatched away the piece of meat Nino had been eyeing off. "No," he said through a delicious mouthful of beef. "I was never in love with Sho."
Nino frowned. "That's almost disappointing. I wanted this story to end with you and a broken heart. I was all ready to get Ohno to help you put the pieces of your soul back together."
"I had a poem ready and everything," Ohno nodded.
"Don't worry, Jun-pon," Aiba said, throwing his arm around Jun's shoulders as though it wasn't July and yakiniku was already a sweaty enough experience. "I didn't think you were in love with Sho-chan."
Jun grimaced as he could feel Aiba's sweat seep through the shoulder of his shirt. "Thanks, Aiba."
"That's such a lie," came a voice from the door of their private room. It was Sho, still in his newscaster gear, though his jacket was slung over his arm and his tie already loosened. Aiba cheered at Sho's presence, even though he was being accused of lying, and Ohno quietly brought Sho a chair.
"Oh yeah?" Jun prompted as Sho sat down and took a sip of the beer Nino had poured for him.
Sho grinned. "He told me I should watch to see if you started drawing my name all over your notebook, because that's how he knew you were in love with me when we were juniors."
Jun felt the heat of embarrassment, anger, and not a little alcohol rise to his cheeks as he turned to Aiba. "You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"
Aiba scrambled a moment before catching onto something. "Hey, like you said, it was a decade ago. I thought you surely couldn't be embarrassed about it anymore."
Nino smirked from across the room. "Jun-kun has a keen sense of embarrassment. Remember when he told everyone he had found a secret level in Zelda and then he couldn't find his cartridge?"
"Oh my god you guys, I already told you, Toma stole my game and deleted-"
"You didn't even know Toma stole your game until last year!" Nino countered.
"Whatever," Jun said, ignoring the conversation around him as he reached for more meat to put on the grill.
"Do you remember the time Oh-chan caught Jun singing enka in the shower?" Aiba continued, giggling.
"I thought he was quite good, actually," Ohno said equitably.
"Now who's the liar?" Nino said, biting back a laugh.
In the ensuing cacophony, Sho leaned over to Jun. "Congratulations on your drama this season. It couldn't have been easy, playing such a difficult role. Especially with your bandmate being a complete dick."
Jun smiled wryly, though he didn't look at Sho, concentrating on the grill in front of him. "Same to you," he said, taking a few cooked pieces and putting them on Sho's plate. "Now, eat up." He caught Sho's eyes and they shared a smile.
Everything was back to normal, and Jun was relieved. It might not be the last time any of them made a mistake or was stubborn to a fault, but he hoped that it might not be as dramatic as this time. And as he looked around at the rest of Arashi, he couldn't help but think they had a better chance than any of surviving their own future.
the end