Fucking Life
So I completely hate everyone now. Kelly says I'm dramatic..and complains about how when she's honest ppl bite her head off. Well, maybe if she was honest from the beginning, then no one would "bite her head off." I hate how I'm being used. She only wants to be my friend b/c she won't have Tiffany in January. Just like going to concerts b/c Tiffany doesn't want to go. I love how she supports Geoff and Tiffany, but didn't support Jeremy and I. B/c Jeremy "took me away from them", doesn't she realize Geoff is doing that with Tiffany. I mean, she is moving in with him, marrying him. Who's to say she'll actually visit Kelly? I could be completely wrong...but why is it everything Tiffany does is ok, but everything I do isn't. Sorry, I'm not fucking perfect.
I threw up this morning. I've determined it's from stress, b/c I'm definitely not pregnant, and I hadn't eaten in the past day and a half. I just wish I had friends that were actual friends. Friends that didn't waste my time with stuff they didn't believe in. If Kelly didn't believe in magic, why waste my time? She said her and Tiffany wanted me to do spells, but she doesn't even believe in them??? And I suffer in the end, and she's the one having fun. I wanted to see if I believed in it, I wanted to experience it, and all she did was goof off b/c she thought it'd be fun. And I was the one getting yelled at by my parents for being so bitten b/c of Kelly's stupid antics of wanting to go down to the creek for "meetings" that she doesn't even believe in. I was the one who started wasting my time making them gifts, and now that's all down the drain b/c Kelly just wanted to have fun. Why couldn't she just have been honest in the beginning. She could have said she just wanted to joke around. But no, she had to pretend to be into it.
And then she says I'm dramatic when she was the one bringing up the past. Of ocurse I'm mad and I don't have any reason to forgive either of them. They should have known that by now. I don't trust ppl, and I don't forgive them. B/c everytime I forgive someone, they just use me and throw me away. Just like Amanda. I tried to forgive her, and she just kept fucking up my life. Tiffany and Kelly probably got all their ideas from her. Ways to hurt me, ways to make me hate myself. I swear, they know they're pushing me over the edge. They're probably just counting down the days until they find out I've killed myself. And they'll go laugh with everyone about how I'm such a loser. B/c I fell for everyone using me. And they'll go be friends with Andrea and Jeremy and Melissa...all those assholes, and they'll laugh so hard at the fact that I couldn't take it. The fact that I gave in.
I just wish I had a new life. I wish I could trust people, I wish I wouldn't cry so much. When Kelly and Tiffany and I hung out more, I didn't cry. And now here I am crying b/c they hate me. All they want to do is hang out everyday and give me the shaft. They want me to hate myself more and more. They want to watch me suffer. They find joy in it. I know it.
I've tried so hard not to cut myself this past day. I know I'm going for my physical on Friday and that's stressing me out. I know my dad might end up seeing my scars and I don't want that. I just want to watch that blood gush out and stain my carpet. I just want to feel the twitch, scream from the pain. I want to tear myself apart so I have no chance of ever being pretty. Nobody wants me anyways. I can't even become a stripper like I wanted to b/c of my whole breast issue. I can't do anything I want to b/c I'm such a failure.
My stupid uncle is coming to town this weekend. The uncle who doesn't even remember my name, yet I've seen him every other year since I was born. It's living proof that no one cares about me. I'm invisible to all of them. The whole world hates me.