so what if you catch me, where would we land?
i feel like something bad always has to happen right at the beginning of the school year. ever since freshman year. i'm not superstitious, but this is so fucked up.
i get the same feeling every time someone dies. or, rather, i feel nothing. and then something completely insignificant happens, and i start bawling. or i flip out. i know it has nothing to do with that and i just go numb and i can never cry when i should be crying and only when it doesn't matter, but i hate this feeling. i hate knowing how i'll react to tragedy or goodbyes or just awful things in general and seeing everyone around me sobbing and wishing i could just cry because it always feels better and feels like the right thing to do... but there's no right way to be sad... i just don't like the way i react to this sort of thing. it always reminds me of other funerals... ones that were much closer to me. i get that same sinking feeling in my gut, and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off... it makes me feel so damn lonely. i'm lonely, and i'm hiding in my room tonight because i feel the same way i did however many years ago, when my uncle died. there was no reason for it. there was no reason for this girl to die. i have this headache that just hasn't gone away since i found out. it's up in the front of my head, and it's just killing me and it's this constant reminder of everything that makes me wonder how people even get out of bed in the morning half the time. but i mean, i want to live, i love life, i just sometimes feel so lost and lonely, and i feel like everything is completely out of my hands right now. i just want something solid, i just want everything to stop spinning. i am so affected by everything... that really has to stop somewhere. i know things will get better, believe me i do... it's just... really hard right now.
i'm looking toward the future, but i fucking need a hug.
i get the same feeling every time someone dies. or, rather, i feel nothing. and then something completely insignificant happens, and i start bawling. or i flip out. i know it has nothing to do with that and i just go numb and i can never cry when i should be crying and only when it doesn't matter, but i hate this feeling. i hate knowing how i'll react to tragedy or goodbyes or just awful things in general and seeing everyone around me sobbing and wishing i could just cry because it always feels better and feels like the right thing to do... but there's no right way to be sad... i just don't like the way i react to this sort of thing. it always reminds me of other funerals... ones that were much closer to me. i get that same sinking feeling in my gut, and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off... it makes me feel so damn lonely. i'm lonely, and i'm hiding in my room tonight because i feel the same way i did however many years ago, when my uncle died. there was no reason for it. there was no reason for this girl to die. i have this headache that just hasn't gone away since i found out. it's up in the front of my head, and it's just killing me and it's this constant reminder of everything that makes me wonder how people even get out of bed in the morning half the time. but i mean, i want to live, i love life, i just sometimes feel so lost and lonely, and i feel like everything is completely out of my hands right now. i just want something solid, i just want everything to stop spinning. i am so affected by everything... that really has to stop somewhere. i know things will get better, believe me i do... it's just... really hard right now.
i'm looking toward the future, but i fucking need a hug.