Past My Skull and into the Fantasy Department...
Went on a shopping spree today. Lots of goodies for me. My mom stayed the weekend. Surprise, surprise... it seemed as if she was avoiding me! A few times I offered to hang out ith her. None ever happened. She just traded me a Walmart goft card worth $3.90 for $2 to buy a pack of cigarettes. Whatever.
Now I'm at my aunt's. She forcefed me fried seafood. Not that it wasn't yummy... but now I have to go home and make my daddy cry because I'm not going to be able to eat the ribs and stuff he spent all day cooking. Ah well.
God damn I miss internet. And I miss all my lovely people. I'd hug you all if I could... to make up for not being able to however... I shall post some musings that have been waiting to be posted for like 3 weeks now. You can see them... if you hug me first...
I step from ‘round the corner out of the shadows and right into your own little personal bubble. Nose to nose now I surprise you even further by kissing you deeply and without inhibition… as if there’s not one sliver of hope for hearing the scattered songbirds of tomorrow morning… before you can even gasp in surprise at my sudden and unannounced appearance.
Slowly my lips depart from yours so that I can gaze at you for one heart-pounding and tantalizing moment and secretly revel in the surprise that’s now floating in your eyes. It’s almost as if you weren’t really awake until just now. The loveliness of your stunned eyes, of you, of this moment right now is truly arresting…
It’s then that I allow my lips to bid yours a quick and ever-so-soft farewell before I finally succumb to the grasp that your presence has upon my heart, letting it bring me to my knees. I’m surprised my unsteady legs have held out this long…
Only a few inches from you, I’m staring directly ahead, an intense stare, focused upon the fly of your pants. Filled with nervously hopeful anticipation, I’m more than willing to do something obscenely beautiful…
But will you let me?
…Or is the superficial and shallow fact that I lack a built-in fuck-stick going to ruin it for me? That’s a pretty lame excuse, love, if you think about it. I know that, deep down, you realize that. Or maybe you’re just too concerned with not letting me get so close to you. Maybe you’re worried that one of us will get mislead and hurt. Scared of change? Well I’ve got news for you, Miss… I’ve always been this close… I’ve always been right under your nose, lurking just around the bend of your waist… I’ve just never made you look down before. What is it that you’re so afraid of? Me? Letting go of yourself? Every illogically dictated word that’s been pounded into your head? Loving me as much as I…?
No… It doesn’t really even matter, does it? You don’t really exist. I just made you up subconsciously to help… or torture… myself. You’re an elaborate and impossible hallucination made flesh, my endearing torment. A tangible delusion that I can touch but could never really touch… A fabrication of… obsession? Desperation? Fascination? I couldn’t say. I honestly couldn’t. But I can say that you’ve certainly been a fun fantasy… and a salvation of sorts. And I think I owe a debt of countless gratitude for that.
Just the same though… I hope you do in fact let me go on with this obscenely beautiful something… I can’t at all think of a graceful way to get myself out of this leap-of-faith position otherwise…
I’ve been listening to Ani DiFranco a lot lately. Her songs make me think of you more than usual… a frequency not easily attainable, mind you. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been feeling extra compelled to listen because I think so much of you these days. I doubt that there’s any meaningful difference.
Sometimes I feel as if you owe me your own heartfelt rendition of Ani’s own tear-inducing “Sorry I Am”. Still other times I find myself feeling like I just want to serenade you by covering Bob Dylan’s “Most of the Time” as elegantly as Ani herself did, singing as if you weren’t even there… aside from casting quick and spiteful glances at you between wounded looks cast randomly into whatever crowd that has amassed… and then just stride away and see if it will turn into a “Make Me Stay” kind of moment… then from there, hopefully a “The Whole Night” sort of situation will occur. I’d even consider myself lucky for it to lapse into a “She Says” scene.
Ah, but there I go again, adding on rooms to a house I don’t even have. What is it I want from you? Just a sincere second look. I’d settle for that. And maybe… just listen…
“You can touch me in inappropriate ways at random whenever the whim tickles you. You can pin me against the wall and take me right then and there, at any time. Go ahead… please… Show my heart what it really means to pound...”
I’m burrowing gently my head into your tummy, so near the womb that I could never cultivate but could coax into hyper-contractions of pleasure… if given the proper chance…
“Guide me, touch me, tease me, use me… Let me be an actor with a lead role upon the stage of your fantasies. All those things you were always too afraid to do, to say before with anyone else… Let me be the one to hear them. Let me be your abiding play-thing, the doll upon your shelf that has and will always stay bent in whatever impossible way you please. Do with me what you will. Take me against mine, it’s yours anyhow, your most neglected toy…
“Bear to me the secrets you keep, those secrets that have no words… The kind of secrets that can’t simply be whispered delicately but must be seen quivering in the eyes and felt throughout the body.”
Losing myself and any control to the passion of the moment, kissing along a path from your naval to the waist of your pants now while my hands slowly find their way to the button of your pants that’s keeping guard over you from me, trembling as they begin to work their way past it, I notice through the rising sensation of lust your hands moving slowly to my head, coming to rest only for a moment before running fingers through my hair.
Is your movement sluggish because you too are caught up in the provocative intensity of the now? Or are you taking your time for the sake of stalling while your mind searches for a gentle way to stop me and say, “No…”?
I close my eyes.
All is silent, all is still.
Then… No more warmth, no more pulse in my ear…
No answer…
I open my eyes… everywhere is black.
Where am I…?
Now I'm at my aunt's. She forcefed me fried seafood. Not that it wasn't yummy... but now I have to go home and make my daddy cry because I'm not going to be able to eat the ribs and stuff he spent all day cooking. Ah well.
God damn I miss internet. And I miss all my lovely people. I'd hug you all if I could... to make up for not being able to however... I shall post some musings that have been waiting to be posted for like 3 weeks now. You can see them... if you hug me first...
I step from ‘round the corner out of the shadows and right into your own little personal bubble. Nose to nose now I surprise you even further by kissing you deeply and without inhibition… as if there’s not one sliver of hope for hearing the scattered songbirds of tomorrow morning… before you can even gasp in surprise at my sudden and unannounced appearance.
Slowly my lips depart from yours so that I can gaze at you for one heart-pounding and tantalizing moment and secretly revel in the surprise that’s now floating in your eyes. It’s almost as if you weren’t really awake until just now. The loveliness of your stunned eyes, of you, of this moment right now is truly arresting…
It’s then that I allow my lips to bid yours a quick and ever-so-soft farewell before I finally succumb to the grasp that your presence has upon my heart, letting it bring me to my knees. I’m surprised my unsteady legs have held out this long…
Only a few inches from you, I’m staring directly ahead, an intense stare, focused upon the fly of your pants. Filled with nervously hopeful anticipation, I’m more than willing to do something obscenely beautiful…
But will you let me?
…Or is the superficial and shallow fact that I lack a built-in fuck-stick going to ruin it for me? That’s a pretty lame excuse, love, if you think about it. I know that, deep down, you realize that. Or maybe you’re just too concerned with not letting me get so close to you. Maybe you’re worried that one of us will get mislead and hurt. Scared of change? Well I’ve got news for you, Miss… I’ve always been this close… I’ve always been right under your nose, lurking just around the bend of your waist… I’ve just never made you look down before. What is it that you’re so afraid of? Me? Letting go of yourself? Every illogically dictated word that’s been pounded into your head? Loving me as much as I…?
No… It doesn’t really even matter, does it? You don’t really exist. I just made you up subconsciously to help… or torture… myself. You’re an elaborate and impossible hallucination made flesh, my endearing torment. A tangible delusion that I can touch but could never really touch… A fabrication of… obsession? Desperation? Fascination? I couldn’t say. I honestly couldn’t. But I can say that you’ve certainly been a fun fantasy… and a salvation of sorts. And I think I owe a debt of countless gratitude for that.
Just the same though… I hope you do in fact let me go on with this obscenely beautiful something… I can’t at all think of a graceful way to get myself out of this leap-of-faith position otherwise…
I’ve been listening to Ani DiFranco a lot lately. Her songs make me think of you more than usual… a frequency not easily attainable, mind you. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been feeling extra compelled to listen because I think so much of you these days. I doubt that there’s any meaningful difference.
Sometimes I feel as if you owe me your own heartfelt rendition of Ani’s own tear-inducing “Sorry I Am”. Still other times I find myself feeling like I just want to serenade you by covering Bob Dylan’s “Most of the Time” as elegantly as Ani herself did, singing as if you weren’t even there… aside from casting quick and spiteful glances at you between wounded looks cast randomly into whatever crowd that has amassed… and then just stride away and see if it will turn into a “Make Me Stay” kind of moment… then from there, hopefully a “The Whole Night” sort of situation will occur. I’d even consider myself lucky for it to lapse into a “She Says” scene.
Ah, but there I go again, adding on rooms to a house I don’t even have. What is it I want from you? Just a sincere second look. I’d settle for that. And maybe… just listen…
“You can touch me in inappropriate ways at random whenever the whim tickles you. You can pin me against the wall and take me right then and there, at any time. Go ahead… please… Show my heart what it really means to pound...”
I’m burrowing gently my head into your tummy, so near the womb that I could never cultivate but could coax into hyper-contractions of pleasure… if given the proper chance…
“Guide me, touch me, tease me, use me… Let me be an actor with a lead role upon the stage of your fantasies. All those things you were always too afraid to do, to say before with anyone else… Let me be the one to hear them. Let me be your abiding play-thing, the doll upon your shelf that has and will always stay bent in whatever impossible way you please. Do with me what you will. Take me against mine, it’s yours anyhow, your most neglected toy…
“Bear to me the secrets you keep, those secrets that have no words… The kind of secrets that can’t simply be whispered delicately but must be seen quivering in the eyes and felt throughout the body.”
Losing myself and any control to the passion of the moment, kissing along a path from your naval to the waist of your pants now while my hands slowly find their way to the button of your pants that’s keeping guard over you from me, trembling as they begin to work their way past it, I notice through the rising sensation of lust your hands moving slowly to my head, coming to rest only for a moment before running fingers through my hair.
Is your movement sluggish because you too are caught up in the provocative intensity of the now? Or are you taking your time for the sake of stalling while your mind searches for a gentle way to stop me and say, “No…”?
I close my eyes.
All is silent, all is still.
Then… No more warmth, no more pulse in my ear…
No answer…
I open my eyes… everywhere is black.
Where am I…?