blah blah-blah
Forgive me absence from everywhere in the world that is encompassed by the internet... My phone has been turned off which means... no internet for me. I'm presently bumming off someone else's internet for a while... but my time is already half up. And I have no idea when my father and I will scrounge up the money (and he the motivation to actually deal with it) to get RoadRunner.
Why is my phone turned off? Because my mother is a worthless, manipulative, selfish and thoughtless little bitch child. We haven't heard from her in about 3 weeks now. Conveniently about the time the phone was cancelled. Thanks a lot, mom.
I've so been looking forward to this weekend, so that I could finally post here again. I had musings to post again. Alas... I'm perched upon a newer laptop... that has every kind of slot possible BUT a floppy drive. Of course. It's a good thing I was too lazy to type up a journal entry at home... I would've been pissed to go through the extra work for absolutely nothing. *sigh*
I'm sure I have a lot to tell. I don't know where to start. I don't know what not to start on. There are things I want to say... things I don't want to spend energy on... things I'm sure no one would want to read about because they're 'you had to be there' moments and I just don't realize it because I was in fact there... So... I'll guess I'll just start randomly... and try to keep myself from drawing things out to long.
I've been working about a month now. I don't mind looking like an old lady in my hair net. And I gave up my dork complex of pushing up my safety goggles every ten minutes because those "safety goggles" hurt my ears and are so filthy I'd do worse about spotting impurities than without them so I just stopped wearing them. All in all... I'm pretty sick of it. I hate the fucking radio all over again. It's the same songs over and over. Which actually isn't so bad... but it's hearing the same damn commercials over and over and over again. Everyday. Every hour. I SWEAR the ads are in the same order everytime too. As if I don't have enough redundancy in my life... especially at work. But... it's all I can do to resort to any hope of music, one of the oldest sedatives of sanity that's always proven true for me.
Honestly, even though I realize I could have it a whole lot worse... I'm really pretty sick of it. I know it sounds like lazy asshole bullshit to say that it's backbreaking work to sit on your ass all day but... jesus fucking christ, it really is. And my back is already sensitive from having to deal with my fucking huge bulbous breasts for the past 5 years. And the people there... that's a different story...
Dennis (my coworker and buddy) is pretty cool. Without him being there, I would've quit after the first week, second week tops. Hearing stories of his life is really great. Almost 50 and he's the type of person that reminds me at just 18 that I don't act like a kid enough. I have no quarrel with Dennis. He's good, even if a bit... culturally mislead.
Loleta, presidant of the company and the random wisdomatic elder type. We've had a few talks concerning my mother. She and my parents go way, way back. She majored in psychology (or at least studied it extensively enough to get a degree, I believe) which goes a few ways with me. I admire that, it's inspiring to me (as it's something I'm interested in), it's kind of comforting, but also at times it's kind of annoying and intimidating. But for the most part, as a whole person, she's pretty neat... but for some reason I'm just not comfortable around her.
Brent is her son and second in command of the company. I've always liked him... we share a sort of sarcastic humor that we both can appreciate in each other, but again... just not that comfortable. He pretty much keeps to himself though so it's not tha tbig of a deal.
Michael... is Loleta's son-in-law... the creepy guy I've bitched about before. I find him to look like a child molester. He has a creepy, wispy smile... and when you talk to him, he just stares at you for a minute before answering... if he even answers at all... And worst of all... He's one of those bitchy over-fucking-zealous Christian types... the ones that are anti-everything-that-isn't-THEM. I already had to listen to a discussion he had with Dennis about gays. I don't remember exact words from either really... because I was sitting in the break room, clawing the table in anger and clenching, doing all I could not to just get up and smack the fuck out of them... and I don't rememeber heated moments well at all. Dennis wasn't so bad but Michael... a person who I would plaster as GAY even despitte his being married with children if not for his extreme gay-hating Christian views. I think he secretly has gay fantasies though. I'm glad the power of Christ is so powerful as to give him the strength enough to lie to himself so much he believes it...
And Loleta made a, "...and I don't understand 'gay' either..." comment. I can still like her though because... not understanding is different from not thinking they're human... despite her lofty and slightly disgusted tone... I was never niave about these kind of people in the world. Not at all. I had just always hoped I would never have to deal with/be around them. At least... not so regularly. And racism is a bit of an issue with Michael I think... and Dennis a little too (despite his having dated a black girl in France for 7 years and having a child with her...) Sometimes it just makes me want to walk outside... grab one of the black girls... drag her in front of everyone... and kiss the hell out of her... so that they can all watch as I laugh and say, "HA! THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME, HUH?"
I had a funny moment at work though, just last week. I think it's about time to give something of comedic relief. And my idiotcy should be laughed at, not gone to waste. They keep a large supply of pretzel sticks in the breakroom. I don't like salt, and would prefer unsalted pretzls but alas, it's not my call. So I sit there and pick off the salt granuels. Well, one day, when I was first doing this, I was popping off the little grains and one flew up half the distance to my face. I continued. Then I had a thought. "Heh, wouldn't it be funny if one of these just poppe doff right into my AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH GOD OH GOD,MY FUCKING EYE" Note that I wasn't actually saying these things out loud... but I was definately screaming on the inside... I ran to the kitchen, right next to the break room, and threw my head under the faucet. I splashed my eye with water for a good 5min before it finally stopped burning. But even then, with my head in the sink, I was chuckling at myself.
Wow, I've written a lot. I've already passed my "I don't want to babble" ideal. I won't worry about it anymore...
I think I'm going lactose intolerant. That thought kills me with sadness. I love all that is dairy. But I'm not sure. So for a while I'm just going to stay away from dairy things... and see if I feel any better. The only other out of the ordinary thing I've been doing aside from eating yogurt and other milky things regularly is drinking water. So... I'm either going lactose intolerant... or water is bad for me, like I've always said. Or... my health is just coincidentally deteriorating likeit seems to have been for some time now. Hmm. Theories, theories, theories...
Aside from being sickish... I've been feeling very strange. I'm reluctant to talk about it... but what the hell. I just don't want anyone worrying themselves with it...
Lately I've had this strange feeling. For the past week, about. It seems like the familiar depression that comes with the apprehension of the general harshness of the world and the mere thought of my future but... it's different. I don't feel my usual panicky worry that comes with occupying my mind with such thoughts as my future and all my present, unfair, and undeserving responsibilities and obligations... No, this is something I've never felt before. I feel... death... To what exactly it pertains to, I'm not sure. I just feel death close to me. Very close. If I were to stick out my tongue, I could taste it. It does make me think of dying though. Don't think that I'm planning to kill myself or that I want to commit suicide or anything... even if I did want to I couldn't because of guilt. I don't. I've contemplated it from a safe distance. Not even so much suicide though as just... not being alive anymore. I don't know. Lately I think about my future and it just seems as if my life is already over. I just feel as if... there's nothing for me here, that I have no purpose or any significance at all... that any effort I put into what we humans have deemed "life" will simply be in vain and won't even be beneficial in our silly human ways... so why am I here?
*sigh*
I'm lost. I'm confused. This is probably just all my constant illness finally catching up to me and having no "life" to distract myself from it. Which reminds me...
In my time spent zombifying under the influence of the radio, I've been listening to promotions of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. I've never been there. Nor have I ever partaken in any Halloween festivities at a theme park. So.. if anyone is up for going, text the cell and see if we can work something out. I'll have a couple extra bucks by then so just let me know.
Why is my phone turned off? Because my mother is a worthless, manipulative, selfish and thoughtless little bitch child. We haven't heard from her in about 3 weeks now. Conveniently about the time the phone was cancelled. Thanks a lot, mom.
I've so been looking forward to this weekend, so that I could finally post here again. I had musings to post again. Alas... I'm perched upon a newer laptop... that has every kind of slot possible BUT a floppy drive. Of course. It's a good thing I was too lazy to type up a journal entry at home... I would've been pissed to go through the extra work for absolutely nothing. *sigh*
I'm sure I have a lot to tell. I don't know where to start. I don't know what not to start on. There are things I want to say... things I don't want to spend energy on... things I'm sure no one would want to read about because they're 'you had to be there' moments and I just don't realize it because I was in fact there... So... I'll guess I'll just start randomly... and try to keep myself from drawing things out to long.
I've been working about a month now. I don't mind looking like an old lady in my hair net. And I gave up my dork complex of pushing up my safety goggles every ten minutes because those "safety goggles" hurt my ears and are so filthy I'd do worse about spotting impurities than without them so I just stopped wearing them. All in all... I'm pretty sick of it. I hate the fucking radio all over again. It's the same songs over and over. Which actually isn't so bad... but it's hearing the same damn commercials over and over and over again. Everyday. Every hour. I SWEAR the ads are in the same order everytime too. As if I don't have enough redundancy in my life... especially at work. But... it's all I can do to resort to any hope of music, one of the oldest sedatives of sanity that's always proven true for me.
Honestly, even though I realize I could have it a whole lot worse... I'm really pretty sick of it. I know it sounds like lazy asshole bullshit to say that it's backbreaking work to sit on your ass all day but... jesus fucking christ, it really is. And my back is already sensitive from having to deal with my fucking huge bulbous breasts for the past 5 years. And the people there... that's a different story...
Dennis (my coworker and buddy) is pretty cool. Without him being there, I would've quit after the first week, second week tops. Hearing stories of his life is really great. Almost 50 and he's the type of person that reminds me at just 18 that I don't act like a kid enough. I have no quarrel with Dennis. He's good, even if a bit... culturally mislead.
Loleta, presidant of the company and the random wisdomatic elder type. We've had a few talks concerning my mother. She and my parents go way, way back. She majored in psychology (or at least studied it extensively enough to get a degree, I believe) which goes a few ways with me. I admire that, it's inspiring to me (as it's something I'm interested in), it's kind of comforting, but also at times it's kind of annoying and intimidating. But for the most part, as a whole person, she's pretty neat... but for some reason I'm just not comfortable around her.
Brent is her son and second in command of the company. I've always liked him... we share a sort of sarcastic humor that we both can appreciate in each other, but again... just not that comfortable. He pretty much keeps to himself though so it's not tha tbig of a deal.
Michael... is Loleta's son-in-law... the creepy guy I've bitched about before. I find him to look like a child molester. He has a creepy, wispy smile... and when you talk to him, he just stares at you for a minute before answering... if he even answers at all... And worst of all... He's one of those bitchy over-fucking-zealous Christian types... the ones that are anti-everything-that-isn't-THEM. I already had to listen to a discussion he had with Dennis about gays. I don't remember exact words from either really... because I was sitting in the break room, clawing the table in anger and clenching, doing all I could not to just get up and smack the fuck out of them... and I don't rememeber heated moments well at all. Dennis wasn't so bad but Michael... a person who I would plaster as GAY even despitte his being married with children if not for his extreme gay-hating Christian views. I think he secretly has gay fantasies though. I'm glad the power of Christ is so powerful as to give him the strength enough to lie to himself so much he believes it...
And Loleta made a, "...and I don't understand 'gay' either..." comment. I can still like her though because... not understanding is different from not thinking they're human... despite her lofty and slightly disgusted tone... I was never niave about these kind of people in the world. Not at all. I had just always hoped I would never have to deal with/be around them. At least... not so regularly. And racism is a bit of an issue with Michael I think... and Dennis a little too (despite his having dated a black girl in France for 7 years and having a child with her...) Sometimes it just makes me want to walk outside... grab one of the black girls... drag her in front of everyone... and kiss the hell out of her... so that they can all watch as I laugh and say, "HA! THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME, HUH?"
I had a funny moment at work though, just last week. I think it's about time to give something of comedic relief. And my idiotcy should be laughed at, not gone to waste. They keep a large supply of pretzel sticks in the breakroom. I don't like salt, and would prefer unsalted pretzls but alas, it's not my call. So I sit there and pick off the salt granuels. Well, one day, when I was first doing this, I was popping off the little grains and one flew up half the distance to my face. I continued. Then I had a thought. "Heh, wouldn't it be funny if one of these just poppe doff right into my AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH GOD OH GOD,MY FUCKING EYE" Note that I wasn't actually saying these things out loud... but I was definately screaming on the inside... I ran to the kitchen, right next to the break room, and threw my head under the faucet. I splashed my eye with water for a good 5min before it finally stopped burning. But even then, with my head in the sink, I was chuckling at myself.
Wow, I've written a lot. I've already passed my "I don't want to babble" ideal. I won't worry about it anymore...
I think I'm going lactose intolerant. That thought kills me with sadness. I love all that is dairy. But I'm not sure. So for a while I'm just going to stay away from dairy things... and see if I feel any better. The only other out of the ordinary thing I've been doing aside from eating yogurt and other milky things regularly is drinking water. So... I'm either going lactose intolerant... or water is bad for me, like I've always said. Or... my health is just coincidentally deteriorating likeit seems to have been for some time now. Hmm. Theories, theories, theories...
Aside from being sickish... I've been feeling very strange. I'm reluctant to talk about it... but what the hell. I just don't want anyone worrying themselves with it...
Lately I've had this strange feeling. For the past week, about. It seems like the familiar depression that comes with the apprehension of the general harshness of the world and the mere thought of my future but... it's different. I don't feel my usual panicky worry that comes with occupying my mind with such thoughts as my future and all my present, unfair, and undeserving responsibilities and obligations... No, this is something I've never felt before. I feel... death... To what exactly it pertains to, I'm not sure. I just feel death close to me. Very close. If I were to stick out my tongue, I could taste it. It does make me think of dying though. Don't think that I'm planning to kill myself or that I want to commit suicide or anything... even if I did want to I couldn't because of guilt. I don't. I've contemplated it from a safe distance. Not even so much suicide though as just... not being alive anymore. I don't know. Lately I think about my future and it just seems as if my life is already over. I just feel as if... there's nothing for me here, that I have no purpose or any significance at all... that any effort I put into what we humans have deemed "life" will simply be in vain and won't even be beneficial in our silly human ways... so why am I here?
*sigh*
I'm lost. I'm confused. This is probably just all my constant illness finally catching up to me and having no "life" to distract myself from it. Which reminds me...
In my time spent zombifying under the influence of the radio, I've been listening to promotions of Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. I've never been there. Nor have I ever partaken in any Halloween festivities at a theme park. So.. if anyone is up for going, text the cell and see if we can work something out. I'll have a couple extra bucks by then so just let me know.