looking up i think
So.....thinks are very slowly improving. Im still having whole anxious days, but im dealing with them better so that i can still work and stuff. THe med change has helped still. My therapist is helping me deal with a million issues i have but mostly shit from groing up with crazy ass, emotionally abusive russian parents. And i guess daddy issues too...hey, who doesnt have those these days, especially when yours was "working" in Russia since you were a kid and never told you what he did there? Im finally independent from my family though...financially, and working on the emotionally part. Its just....really fucking scary. And then i also realized the other night that i have like.....noo friends in san francisco. I mean i have my best friend and boyfriend and cousin, and some peeps to occassionally see in the east bay, but besides that, nobody. I spend most of my off time from work alone at home doing jack shit, just trying not to be panicky. Its wierd how much my life has changed. All the friends i seemed to have made here that i saw regularly either moved away, or im scared to call because i dont drink anymore, and i wonder if we'd have anything to talk about. And all i did with them in the past was to go drink. Its just wierd. Im kind of lonely, but im enjoing the time to finally be able to think about shit and get better. Its the first time in my life that i feel like i can make all my decisions for myself all bymyself without worrying about people getting mad at me, or anything. When i go back to school next spring i say fuck it to anybody thats told me otherwise and im switching my major to fine art painting, because goddamn it, if i dont make money ill do other shit when im done, but since i was old enough to hold a pencil, that was what i did best. And theres a million things i suck hard at, but what i can do is fucking draw and paint like a mofo. So yeah. Fuck illustration, im hating it. I jsut want to draw and paint. Oh, and ive lost a bunch of weight in a healthy manner. That feels good too. I mean on anxious days i dont eat much because my tummy hurts too much, but in general, i finally feel really healthy (besides the fact i took up smoking again after about a year of quitting). Ive been listening to records alot, and today i finally put finishing touches on one of my big pinup pieces. Ive been writing a bunch of stuff everyday too. I also think i actually have confidence for the first time in my life and feel pretty. Its funny. Ive had like several guys who were actually hot guys not just to me in the building i work in hit on me. I never used to think that conventionally good looking doods could like me, but maybe im not a disgusting ugly fat thing. Yeah, so thats the end of my LJ therapy session. THis is how my life and mind have been recently. Its wierd...