are you okay?
i'm going to get a lot of stuff off my chest on this one..
when i got out of the car this afternoon.. the access driver had asked me if i'm going to be okay. i answered "yes" as i hadn't needed help to get into the house in a long time and it was going to be some time till i needed to again. i had walked to the gate and realized that while i was okay in that respect.. i'm NOT okay in the galactic sense.
emo crap below
recently my world has been rocked by a number of occourences. my mother has been diagnosed with t1 cancer in her spine.
a longtime married couple (friends of mine) decided to part ways under less then ideal circumstances.
and i have fallen on hard times at work and am considering just tossing it all and heading out to a different call centre.
then there's the constant battle with my back and my foot and attempting to try and get it dealt with.
and FINALLY.. patsy has developed issues with her knees that have sidelined her for most activities.
starting with the first.. mom has developed t1 cancer in the T5 vertebrea of her spine. this is the less serious cancer and she's currently taking chemotherepy in order to get ahead of it. i'm worried about her because we lost dad the same way and i already sat thru this once. it's not fun. she wants me to possibly take a leave of absence to help her should the chemo make her weak and i CAN'T do that.
it 's not that i'm unwilling.. i CAN'T. we have such a big debtload and stuff that i honestly can't afford to take time off.. and, let's be honest here, i doubt there'll be a job waiting for me when i get back.
so i'm kinda stuck between my obligations to my sick mother and my neccesary obligations to ensure that i can help keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.
not the best of situations to be in.
added into this chaos is that, last friday, a longstanding (15 years) marriage of some friends of mine came to an end. this effects me in that this was the marriage that i was kinda hoping patsy's and i would be like. 15 years and still strong.. still friends as well as lovers.. guess you can't judge a book huh?
i know that logically patsy and i have a different situation but it still shakes my belief in solid relationships. my heart goes out to the male partner as this kinda blindsided him and has left thier child with a broken home and a larger case of the same shaken confidence in the permanence of any situation.
the female doesn't get the level of sympathy that i give the other two... she used the "i don't love you anymore.. so we're splitting up" excuse.. the fact that her life is getting stale and finally, the mental state of the male partner as he's going thru a hard emotional time.
my answer to this is.. tough. you married this person for better or for worse.. not "for as long as it was really something i wanted to do". you treat a marriage the same way you do a child.. something goes wrong.. you fix it.. there's problems.. you go and get councelling. you work to stay together until you've tried it all.. PARTICULARLY IF THERE'S A CHILD INVOLVED!!!!
you don't get an out.. or at least an easy one. marriage takes work.. and sacrifice.. and a better god damned reason then what's on the table. i have no sympathy for someone who uses that "shirley valentine" bullshit to end a relationship.
work has been another fine adventure.. to explain this in it's fullest.. i have to go back a week and explain that i had made an appointment to go to the doctor on wednesday and, as such, had told work that i was taking the day off as the appointment was at 1:30. i had initially thought that patsy was going to the same doctor and hoped to get in at 10:00 after her.. it was the evening before that i was told that this was my OWN seperate appointment at 1:30.
i had intended to come in for a half day were it at 10:00 but this wasn't an option once it became 1:30. the next step in this was to take a short term disability form in with me as this is required.. my mom had the idea of stopping of at star choice and picking one up.
this turned out to be a big fucking mistake as i went in to get a form and later caught shit for getting said form and not looking like i was death on two legs.. how DARE i not look like a regurgitated corpse while coming in to insure the conditions THEY require me to fill out.
the appointment wasn't for aids or cancer or phnumonia or migranes.. it was for a refferal to get this foot looked at and cured. the same foot that has been bothering me and causing me excrusiating pain.. but god forfend i get in the way of work. i had a choice.. i made it.. i'd do it again if neccesary. fuck star choice.
the next big thing happened on friday. you have to understand that i have been taking an antidepressent named welburtrin and just started to take an antibiotic for my foot again.. i suppose the two medicines acted with each other because i was sitting in the lobby in a chair listening to a book and then suddenly i felt a tapping on my shoulder and it was an hour later.. 45 minutes after i was supposed to be on the phones.
i blame a combination of stress and medication for it. i've had a lot to have to deal with of late and my mind just shut off.. nevertheless.. the damage was done.
Monday came and into the office i was dragged. i was then read the riot act for falling asleep and costing the company 45 minutes of productivity. (this is the same company that has some people sit on calls after thier hometime for up to an hour with no compensation.)
there was also a lot said about my wanting to be a team lead and setting an example and that this is not the way to do it.
at any rate.. i ended up woth a "one more time" warning and a note on my file.. thus ensuring that it'll be at least a year before i become a team lead. it wasn't said. but it didn't need to be.
fuck man.. it was my lunch.. i'm sorry for having adverse reactions to my medication.
i'm sorry i set a bad example during my moment of weakeness.
i'm sorry i decided to insure the company's requirements for sick time over just going to the damn doctor.
and i'm sorry.. because as of august.. i'm seriously considering being elsewhere. fuck them.
speaking of doctors.. we got a refferal to go to a specialist who can look at my foot and hopefully get some answers. as well, we have an appointment to go get an M.R.I to finally look at my back and discover why, if i'm losing weight, the back pain is getting worse and worse.
it hasn't escaped me that this might be psychological.. and that scares me. i pray for a physical cause.
the good point in this is that i might end up away from star choice despite myself.. we'll see.
and finally i turn my attention to patsy. i'm worried for her. her knees arn't getting any better and she's really depressed. i understand about not having the mobility that one used to and having to curtail activities.
i just hope we can get to the bottom of whatever seems to be plauging her. and that she knows i love her dearly.
there.. in a rather large nutshell, is all the things bothering me of late. i'm sad and confused and not really sure what to do about most of it. i know that there's not much i can do about some things and time will take care of others.
it's just really hard is all.. to look happy all the time and keeping other people's spirits up. i'm just tired.. and maybe taking a break is for the best.. it's not like it's going to damage my career..
okay.. that ends my angst ridden tirade.
i'd just like to wrap up by saying happy birthday to a special girl.. someone who came into our lives two years ago and we are blessed to have her. we havine't been the same since.
happy birthday googlecat. ~hugs and pets and cuddles~
oh.. and to steph too.. all that applies to her too
when i got out of the car this afternoon.. the access driver had asked me if i'm going to be okay. i answered "yes" as i hadn't needed help to get into the house in a long time and it was going to be some time till i needed to again. i had walked to the gate and realized that while i was okay in that respect.. i'm NOT okay in the galactic sense.
emo crap below
recently my world has been rocked by a number of occourences. my mother has been diagnosed with t1 cancer in her spine.
a longtime married couple (friends of mine) decided to part ways under less then ideal circumstances.
and i have fallen on hard times at work and am considering just tossing it all and heading out to a different call centre.
then there's the constant battle with my back and my foot and attempting to try and get it dealt with.
and FINALLY.. patsy has developed issues with her knees that have sidelined her for most activities.
starting with the first.. mom has developed t1 cancer in the T5 vertebrea of her spine. this is the less serious cancer and she's currently taking chemotherepy in order to get ahead of it. i'm worried about her because we lost dad the same way and i already sat thru this once. it's not fun. she wants me to possibly take a leave of absence to help her should the chemo make her weak and i CAN'T do that.
it 's not that i'm unwilling.. i CAN'T. we have such a big debtload and stuff that i honestly can't afford to take time off.. and, let's be honest here, i doubt there'll be a job waiting for me when i get back.
so i'm kinda stuck between my obligations to my sick mother and my neccesary obligations to ensure that i can help keep a roof over our heads and food on the table.
not the best of situations to be in.
added into this chaos is that, last friday, a longstanding (15 years) marriage of some friends of mine came to an end. this effects me in that this was the marriage that i was kinda hoping patsy's and i would be like. 15 years and still strong.. still friends as well as lovers.. guess you can't judge a book huh?
i know that logically patsy and i have a different situation but it still shakes my belief in solid relationships. my heart goes out to the male partner as this kinda blindsided him and has left thier child with a broken home and a larger case of the same shaken confidence in the permanence of any situation.
the female doesn't get the level of sympathy that i give the other two... she used the "i don't love you anymore.. so we're splitting up" excuse.. the fact that her life is getting stale and finally, the mental state of the male partner as he's going thru a hard emotional time.
my answer to this is.. tough. you married this person for better or for worse.. not "for as long as it was really something i wanted to do". you treat a marriage the same way you do a child.. something goes wrong.. you fix it.. there's problems.. you go and get councelling. you work to stay together until you've tried it all.. PARTICULARLY IF THERE'S A CHILD INVOLVED!!!!
you don't get an out.. or at least an easy one. marriage takes work.. and sacrifice.. and a better god damned reason then what's on the table. i have no sympathy for someone who uses that "shirley valentine" bullshit to end a relationship.
work has been another fine adventure.. to explain this in it's fullest.. i have to go back a week and explain that i had made an appointment to go to the doctor on wednesday and, as such, had told work that i was taking the day off as the appointment was at 1:30. i had initially thought that patsy was going to the same doctor and hoped to get in at 10:00 after her.. it was the evening before that i was told that this was my OWN seperate appointment at 1:30.
i had intended to come in for a half day were it at 10:00 but this wasn't an option once it became 1:30. the next step in this was to take a short term disability form in with me as this is required.. my mom had the idea of stopping of at star choice and picking one up.
this turned out to be a big fucking mistake as i went in to get a form and later caught shit for getting said form and not looking like i was death on two legs.. how DARE i not look like a regurgitated corpse while coming in to insure the conditions THEY require me to fill out.
the appointment wasn't for aids or cancer or phnumonia or migranes.. it was for a refferal to get this foot looked at and cured. the same foot that has been bothering me and causing me excrusiating pain.. but god forfend i get in the way of work. i had a choice.. i made it.. i'd do it again if neccesary. fuck star choice.
the next big thing happened on friday. you have to understand that i have been taking an antidepressent named welburtrin and just started to take an antibiotic for my foot again.. i suppose the two medicines acted with each other because i was sitting in the lobby in a chair listening to a book and then suddenly i felt a tapping on my shoulder and it was an hour later.. 45 minutes after i was supposed to be on the phones.
i blame a combination of stress and medication for it. i've had a lot to have to deal with of late and my mind just shut off.. nevertheless.. the damage was done.
Monday came and into the office i was dragged. i was then read the riot act for falling asleep and costing the company 45 minutes of productivity. (this is the same company that has some people sit on calls after thier hometime for up to an hour with no compensation.)
there was also a lot said about my wanting to be a team lead and setting an example and that this is not the way to do it.
at any rate.. i ended up woth a "one more time" warning and a note on my file.. thus ensuring that it'll be at least a year before i become a team lead. it wasn't said. but it didn't need to be.
fuck man.. it was my lunch.. i'm sorry for having adverse reactions to my medication.
i'm sorry i set a bad example during my moment of weakeness.
i'm sorry i decided to insure the company's requirements for sick time over just going to the damn doctor.
and i'm sorry.. because as of august.. i'm seriously considering being elsewhere. fuck them.
speaking of doctors.. we got a refferal to go to a specialist who can look at my foot and hopefully get some answers. as well, we have an appointment to go get an M.R.I to finally look at my back and discover why, if i'm losing weight, the back pain is getting worse and worse.
it hasn't escaped me that this might be psychological.. and that scares me. i pray for a physical cause.
the good point in this is that i might end up away from star choice despite myself.. we'll see.
and finally i turn my attention to patsy. i'm worried for her. her knees arn't getting any better and she's really depressed. i understand about not having the mobility that one used to and having to curtail activities.
i just hope we can get to the bottom of whatever seems to be plauging her. and that she knows i love her dearly.
there.. in a rather large nutshell, is all the things bothering me of late. i'm sad and confused and not really sure what to do about most of it. i know that there's not much i can do about some things and time will take care of others.
it's just really hard is all.. to look happy all the time and keeping other people's spirits up. i'm just tired.. and maybe taking a break is for the best.. it's not like it's going to damage my career..
okay.. that ends my angst ridden tirade.
i'd just like to wrap up by saying happy birthday to a special girl.. someone who came into our lives two years ago and we are blessed to have her. we havine't been the same since.
happy birthday googlecat. ~hugs and pets and cuddles~
oh.. and to steph too.. all that applies to her too