I never meant to stay insane
I've not seen the world through these particular eyes before. I'm heading into the arena of bat-shit at the moment, and I'm not entirely certain how to put it into words. Its probably good I don't have a computer to type things out with while I'm out on the road. I find myself filled with a lot more grievances these days. I'm on the verge (some days) of actually telling people what I really think of them. I've been the guy that tried to help others out. Tried to get them to realize themselves and assist with their life issues and concerns and gripes and drama. Before anyone gets a big head, let me point out, that I'm not describing one person in particular. I have a lot of friends across all areas and states and countries. There are multiple people in this equation. I've seriously hit the roof of my understanding. If you know me well, you know that is a very fucking high ceiling.
When I took this job as a trucker, I knew every potential outcome that could occur with me. I knew that I'd either be a new changed man with a broader understanding of the world and myself... or that the time spent alone would instead push me further than I'd ever allowed myself to get. I gave a up a lot to do this job. I've found that I miss being an alcoholic. God, do I miss it. The world was so much simpler. I could deal with whatever came my way. The edge was gone. People droning to me about their life and how "shitty" they had it could just slide over my shoulder. Chances are, I could put less focus into it. Now, I hear whatever is the loudest sound.
I'm not going to say I've never been that person before. As any of you that have read my LJ from the beginning knows, I used to be a big vagina that constantly whined about my life and how horrible I had it over some lost loves and what not. We all have to deal with things of that nature, I'm not saying that it isn't something that you can't complain about. I have in the recent past, but I'm no where near as bad as I used to be. It took a good friend of mine many years ago to get me out of that mindset of "public display" by straight up telling me I was being a jerk and I'd lose friends over all of that if I kept it up. Though we don't talk as much as we used to, I still value her as a friend for being up front with me about that.
There is far too much thought noise in my head. Yet another side affect of lessening my drinking. Makes my motivations and analyzations that much harder to differentiate from the standard noise.
Once again, if I had a way of typing (cuz I hate regular writing) this rant would actually have been much much longer.
Now, chances are, I'm going to lose my job in a week anyways. I was required to get my hazmat but the finger print location has been closed a lot lately. That puts a damper in things. They'll still tell me I had time to do it. Not so easily done, but oh well. Perhaps not, maybe they'll give me more chances. Do I want them? NO. Do I need them? Probably. This job is going to kill me. Sure, as much fun as driving a giant death machine with 20 tons on my ass is fun and all, but I just don't think I can do it forever. Hauling that much weight is nerve racking enough, but add to the idea that it could explode at any time... hmmm. You tell me.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't know where I'm going in life. Who the fuck cares? Why do I have to have direction? I just want my bills gone, goddammit.
When I took this job as a trucker, I knew every potential outcome that could occur with me. I knew that I'd either be a new changed man with a broader understanding of the world and myself... or that the time spent alone would instead push me further than I'd ever allowed myself to get. I gave a up a lot to do this job. I've found that I miss being an alcoholic. God, do I miss it. The world was so much simpler. I could deal with whatever came my way. The edge was gone. People droning to me about their life and how "shitty" they had it could just slide over my shoulder. Chances are, I could put less focus into it. Now, I hear whatever is the loudest sound.
I'm not going to say I've never been that person before. As any of you that have read my LJ from the beginning knows, I used to be a big vagina that constantly whined about my life and how horrible I had it over some lost loves and what not. We all have to deal with things of that nature, I'm not saying that it isn't something that you can't complain about. I have in the recent past, but I'm no where near as bad as I used to be. It took a good friend of mine many years ago to get me out of that mindset of "public display" by straight up telling me I was being a jerk and I'd lose friends over all of that if I kept it up. Though we don't talk as much as we used to, I still value her as a friend for being up front with me about that.
There is far too much thought noise in my head. Yet another side affect of lessening my drinking. Makes my motivations and analyzations that much harder to differentiate from the standard noise.
Once again, if I had a way of typing (cuz I hate regular writing) this rant would actually have been much much longer.
Now, chances are, I'm going to lose my job in a week anyways. I was required to get my hazmat but the finger print location has been closed a lot lately. That puts a damper in things. They'll still tell me I had time to do it. Not so easily done, but oh well. Perhaps not, maybe they'll give me more chances. Do I want them? NO. Do I need them? Probably. This job is going to kill me. Sure, as much fun as driving a giant death machine with 20 tons on my ass is fun and all, but I just don't think I can do it forever. Hauling that much weight is nerve racking enough, but add to the idea that it could explode at any time... hmmm. You tell me.
I don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't know where I'm going in life. Who the fuck cares? Why do I have to have direction? I just want my bills gone, goddammit.