Schizophrenia.
I think it might be a good idea to get this out there and talk about it in a more straightforward manner, especially now that more people are joining my friends list.
I am formally diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't discuss my illness as often as I used to, back when I was in California and sick all the time, but symptoms have been flaring up again lately and I thought it best to inform those who are considering joining my friends list about my particular subset of the illness, how it has affected me, and how it will probably affect me in the future.
The particular form that I live with is disorganized schizophrenia, which is also known as hebephrenic schizophrenia - this other name was coined due to the fact that it usually starts between the ages of 15 and 25, whereas most forms of schizophrenia commonly don't begin manifesting until past the age of 30. In rare cases, the disorder is present in very young children; I started showing severe signs of a mental imbalance at the age of three, and as the illness begins up to 30 months before any symptoms are observed, it's fairly safe to say it's something that I've always had.
Symptoms
The symptoms of schizophrenia are separated into three different classes, 'positive', 'negative', and 'cognitive' symptoms:
Disorganized schizophrenia tends to have heavier negative and cognitive symptoms, rather than positive. The symptoms that I exhibit are as follows:
Positive Symptoms
Paranoid delusions
I tend to have a sense of 'broadcasting' my thoughts, and I tend to feel suddenly and irrationally afraid that everyone knows what I'm thinking.
Auditory hallucinations
Disembodied voices giving running commentary on my life and daily activities.
Disorganized motion
Repeating the same pointless action over and over, not realizing that I'm doing it until someone points it out.
Negative Symptoms
Inappropriate displays of emotion
I have a tendency to start laughing or smiling at things that I find disturbing or frightening. It's a completely involuntary reaction, and I can't stop it. The best example I have of this would be when they showed that reporter being beheaded in Afghanistan on the news - I started laughing wildly, couldn't stop myself, and had to be led out of the room to calm down, and I couldn't stop smiling when I thought about it for months afterwards. I've also been known to cry at extremely pleasurable things, but that's decidedly more rare.
Affective flattening
I don't experience happiness as often or as much as most people do. I spend a lot of time quite numb when I'm content; the happiness has to be reaching levels that most would consider mania for me to really exhibit any signs of it. As a result, people tend to think I'm angry or sad when they talk to me in person - I'm very flat when I speak, which tends to come off as anger, and as noted above, I start crying if I'm overly happy.
Cognitive Symptoms
Disorganized thoughts
A major marker for disorganized schizophrenia, and where the subset gets its name. Basically, my thoughts are usually incredibly nonlinear, and I can almost never figure out how I got from one point to another.
Difficulty expressing thoughts
I have a hard time getting my thoughts into some form of coherent speech. As a result, I tend to say the same thing repeatedly as a sort of placeholder until I can figure out what I'm saying well enough to continue. I've also tended to lose track of what I was thinking and wander around verbally until I find it again; sometimes I never do, and so I just kind of stumble around with words until someone tells me to shut up.
Loose association
In which I'll be discussing something and my thoughts will suddenly and violently derail onto something else entirely. These things are loosely related in nature, but in reality the new topic has next to nothing to do with the original one, and I don't realize anything is wrong with the jump until someone asks me what the new topic has to do with anything. Then I have to attempt to remember the original train of thought that led to the new topic, and I usually can't.
Echolalia
I repeat almost everything that someone tells me, phrasing it as a question. (ie, "I think the cat got into the paint." "Do you think the cat got into the paint? ...yes. Yes, the cat appears to have gotten into the paint.") This has gotten extremely bad over the last few years, and is why I do not talk on the phone anymore.
Poor memory
Self-explanitory.
Misconceptions
There are a few misconceptions about my particular illness that have been brought up to me, and I basically just want to clear up a few of them here.
Treatment and where I am now
At this point, I have run the full range of treatment available to be administered for schizophrenia. None of it really works for me anymore. Behavioral therapy is about all that I can do right now to try to alleviate the negative and cognitive symptoms, and any medication I was on previously for the positive symptoms has either stopped working or produced severe physical side effects that were too taxing on my body to be worth the effect it had on the schizophrenia.
I am currently receiving disability payments, as the symptoms I still exhibit make it impossible for me to work.
TL;DR
I am mentally ill, and as a result I'll have issues from time to time; I highly appreciate your patience, and I love you all.
I am formally diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't discuss my illness as often as I used to, back when I was in California and sick all the time, but symptoms have been flaring up again lately and I thought it best to inform those who are considering joining my friends list about my particular subset of the illness, how it has affected me, and how it will probably affect me in the future.
The particular form that I live with is disorganized schizophrenia, which is also known as hebephrenic schizophrenia - this other name was coined due to the fact that it usually starts between the ages of 15 and 25, whereas most forms of schizophrenia commonly don't begin manifesting until past the age of 30. In rare cases, the disorder is present in very young children; I started showing severe signs of a mental imbalance at the age of three, and as the illness begins up to 30 months before any symptoms are observed, it's fairly safe to say it's something that I've always had.
Symptoms
The symptoms of schizophrenia are separated into three different classes, 'positive', 'negative', and 'cognitive' symptoms:
- Positive symptoms are best described as things that shouldn't be there, but are - things like hallucinations, delusions, and other issues that are created by the brain.
- Negative symptoms are things that should be there, but aren't - appropriate emotion and inhibitions, for example, may be completely absent.
- Cognitive symptoms are general thought disorders.
Disorganized schizophrenia tends to have heavier negative and cognitive symptoms, rather than positive. The symptoms that I exhibit are as follows:
Positive Symptoms
Paranoid delusions
I tend to have a sense of 'broadcasting' my thoughts, and I tend to feel suddenly and irrationally afraid that everyone knows what I'm thinking.
Auditory hallucinations
Disembodied voices giving running commentary on my life and daily activities.
Disorganized motion
Repeating the same pointless action over and over, not realizing that I'm doing it until someone points it out.
Negative Symptoms
Inappropriate displays of emotion
I have a tendency to start laughing or smiling at things that I find disturbing or frightening. It's a completely involuntary reaction, and I can't stop it. The best example I have of this would be when they showed that reporter being beheaded in Afghanistan on the news - I started laughing wildly, couldn't stop myself, and had to be led out of the room to calm down, and I couldn't stop smiling when I thought about it for months afterwards. I've also been known to cry at extremely pleasurable things, but that's decidedly more rare.
Affective flattening
I don't experience happiness as often or as much as most people do. I spend a lot of time quite numb when I'm content; the happiness has to be reaching levels that most would consider mania for me to really exhibit any signs of it. As a result, people tend to think I'm angry or sad when they talk to me in person - I'm very flat when I speak, which tends to come off as anger, and as noted above, I start crying if I'm overly happy.
Cognitive Symptoms
Disorganized thoughts
A major marker for disorganized schizophrenia, and where the subset gets its name. Basically, my thoughts are usually incredibly nonlinear, and I can almost never figure out how I got from one point to another.
Difficulty expressing thoughts
I have a hard time getting my thoughts into some form of coherent speech. As a result, I tend to say the same thing repeatedly as a sort of placeholder until I can figure out what I'm saying well enough to continue. I've also tended to lose track of what I was thinking and wander around verbally until I find it again; sometimes I never do, and so I just kind of stumble around with words until someone tells me to shut up.
Loose association
In which I'll be discussing something and my thoughts will suddenly and violently derail onto something else entirely. These things are loosely related in nature, but in reality the new topic has next to nothing to do with the original one, and I don't realize anything is wrong with the jump until someone asks me what the new topic has to do with anything. Then I have to attempt to remember the original train of thought that led to the new topic, and I usually can't.
Echolalia
I repeat almost everything that someone tells me, phrasing it as a question. (ie, "I think the cat got into the paint." "Do you think the cat got into the paint? ...yes. Yes, the cat appears to have gotten into the paint.") This has gotten extremely bad over the last few years, and is why I do not talk on the phone anymore.
Poor memory
Self-explanitory.
Misconceptions
There are a few misconceptions about my particular illness that have been brought up to me, and I basically just want to clear up a few of them here.
- The first and largest misconception that I want to address is that I do not have multiple personalities. That is considered Dissociative Personality Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder, and is not at all related to schizophrenia.
- Schizophrenia does not cause me to be violent, sadistic, or dangerous. I do not take pleasure in people's pain; smiling at things like torture is not something I enjoy doing, and it happens to the point that it has caused me a good amount of social isolation.
- I am not being difficult on purpose or mocking people when I repeat everything they say - it is a purely involuntary reaction, and repeating statements as questions appears to be my mind's way of processing what was said.
- I am formally diagnosed. I can't stress this enough, considering how many people use this illness and several others (Tourette's, Asperger's) as a way to excuse a lack of decency on the internet, or a way to make themselves seem 'cool' or 'edgy'. I personally can't stand this, and I won't tolerate people talking to me this way; if you're the sort who claims to be 'crazy' because you think it makes you special, I can tell you right now - bluntly and honestly - that I won't be able to stand you.
Treatment and where I am now
At this point, I have run the full range of treatment available to be administered for schizophrenia. None of it really works for me anymore. Behavioral therapy is about all that I can do right now to try to alleviate the negative and cognitive symptoms, and any medication I was on previously for the positive symptoms has either stopped working or produced severe physical side effects that were too taxing on my body to be worth the effect it had on the schizophrenia.
I am currently receiving disability payments, as the symptoms I still exhibit make it impossible for me to work.
TL;DR
I am mentally ill, and as a result I'll have issues from time to time; I highly appreciate your patience, and I love you all.