low self-esteem??
hey guys. 'sigh' i'm having a dilemma here. we are to leave for a vaca. soon, and we are going to the Bristol Renassaince Fair and I feel so down about myself. I have ideas and everything. But, my mother had me try on a corset she wore last year..i put on, and it didn't fit. it didn't go where it was supposed to, and i looked like a fat beast. it was horrific, and for my mother to see me like that in her outfit, that i couldn't fit into. i was embarrassed and felt so outraged for letting myself feel that way. i guess im running low on self-esteem and im angry at myself for letting myself get bigger and bigger. i know SOME people will say oh shut up everyone has sel;f-esteem problems. but they don't matter and they don't know whats going on inside my head. thats what this is for, FREEDOM OF SPEECH. who gives a damn what they do and how or where they do it. if it bothers you, shut up and leave. ignore..learn the word, memorize it and put into effect. dont leave nasty hurtful comments behind you. they will be flamed. i know, i'm PMSing but i really do mean every word i say. when this 'time' comes i'm at most creativeness, it isn't clear why but it just is. (using harry potter qoutes again...) Anyway. yeah i feel extremely huge and i'm just going to try and ignore myself. i've been trying to stop eating so much, but i can't seem to stop. maybe i should try and not eat at all. who says if you eat three meals a day you'll 'lose weight' bullshit. if you walk alot, bike or do situps, you'll lose weight. bull. i've done all that, i've biked half the summer, well not all the half. i've walked alot in my lifetime (heehee) and i did situps almost every night before bed and after i brushed my teeth. am i immune to exercising? what the fuck. as to the self-esteem thing. i have a story to tell. when my g-ma, mother, greg and i went shopping at that huge mall where the Torrid is, we were at dinn and i said to my grandmother that i thought i didn't deserve all of the things that i had gotten. we spent alot of money and i said i didn't deserve any of it, and i still think i don't. i dont do much around the house, i sometimes treat mum horribly, and i hate it. i'm not like the kids who swear and call their mothers vulgar names, but i dont think i have respect. anyway. later my mum told me that grandma and her were speaking to each other and g-ma asked mum if i hada self-esteem problem. mum told her...umm no... sarcastically. do i have a self-esteem problem? some of me says yes. some of me says no. but i can't be sure. everyone hates or has a problem with themselves. i havea problem with my weight and alot of other things. like my mother's relationship with daniel, i dislike some of the things he does and says to me. it makes me rethink my life here. and when my mother agrees with him (not that JUST BECAUSE she agrees with him..its just when it comes from HER mouth) i also rethink my life here. i think about just ending everything. i know it's not that bad, i know it isn't but, when you get that feeling that you feel alone in the world. like no one wants to comfort you, or you can't seem to find a face you recognize, or even someone that can love you back, you don't want to be here anymore. jesus, that sounds so fucking fake and it makes me look so fucking stupid. im just gonna stop now before i make a COMPLETE ass of myself...
trav
trav