Title: stay with me
Writer: hxc_sucks aka me
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 1 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: *high school stuff, sonny's moved to diferent town and afraid of not finding any friends.. blablabla
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*my first try with 'real' persons
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words :/
I knew it. I knew it the day my father told me.
this would suck.
our new house is pretty nice, though. well, dad has a better job now. means more money. means better house. means leaving the nice little town I was living my whole life....
at least I didn't have to leave a girlfriend, I don't have one...
you know, I seem like a tough guy to some, but really... I am not. I'm just nice and smart. girls don't like nice and smart guys. they always want to date assholes. that's how girls are like.
and friends? I had a few guys I hung out with at my old school but basically I was just with them. they didn't care about me being around. they weren't what I was looking for in a friend and I just hung out with them because I knew them my whole life. we got used to each other.
so here I am now. in front of this huge building I'm about to enter. being 17 and going to a new school is one of the worst things. it really is. I've heard terrible stories about high schools as big as this one. anonymity can be nice and I normally like it, but it can be dangerous as well. I doubt I will find any friends here, I'm too shy and too 'different'. but I suddenly feel like I could need a friend. I can already see fingers pointing at me and hear people whispering. I don't understand them but I'm pretty sure what they are saying.
soon enough, it's only a questions of days, maybe only hours, girls will ask me if I'm gay and the guys won't even ask. they'll beat the shit out of me, telling me to watch my back and they will write words like 'fag' or 'cocksucker' all over my properties. (ok so maybe I'm paranoid but you know that high school kids act like that! the only reason nobody 'at home' was acting like that was they all knew me. and the parents knew each other...)
I suddenly feel very angry. I know it will happen. I am not gay. but they won't care when I tell them I like girls. they won't care. they will only see that I'm wearing tight girl pants and make up and that my hair 'looks gay' and that I'm wearing those tight t-shirts... how would they react if they actually knew what kind of a band 'evergreen terrace' is? how 'tough' I actually am?
yes, I was trying to look hardcore but now I realize how stupid that was because at this school I'd obviously not find somebody listening to those kind of band... I saw a few wannabe-punks... and a few emokids that were all looking like they just found out they liked the used because in the new video quinn is looking so sexy..
I don't even know if he's sexy.. I'm a guy, a heterosexual guy. I just though he looked nice. a guy I could make friends with.. if he wasn't some kind of 'superstar' you know....
first period: math
great, math is my number one hate subject and I'm supposed to have it in first period? oh well, last period would be worse.
last period is.... sports. oh no... if I come to think about is, every subject sucks, even lunch sucks because... yeah I have to be alone for about 45 minutes and if I'm lucky some jocks will put me in a basket case like they normally do with 6th graders....
I try to find my classroom and when I'm finally in front of room 254 something in my head is beating and I really don't want to enter... but the door swings open from inside and a looks-like-he's-not-nice man (obviously my math teacher) just looks at me, waves me in and says "Ah, mister Moor i guess," I nod. "Sit down next to mister Lacey..." he points to an empty seat next to a guy in the back of the class that seems to be not interested in his environment. I hear whispers again. a few laugher and I clearly make out one comment 'oh they'd make such a cute couple'. what the hell?
I shrug and sit down at the seat I was supposed to, look at this 'mister Lacey' for a second and take out my math stuff. without looking at me he reaches out his hand, talking to me in a bitter tone. "I'm Jesse but you will notice everyone just calls me fag". almost coughing the last word.
Ok, now this was weird. but it kind of explains the comment i heard. is he the 'school-fag'? will I be the new one? even though I am not gay and this guy for sure isn't looking 'gay'.... he's actually looking kind of good, nice hair and... ok, enough of this!
"eh..? i guess I'll call you Jesse.... I'm Sonny" he's now looking up and facing me. I smile a little and he smiles back.
"Nice to meet you, Sonny, so you just moved here?"
"Yeah."
"And... oh.. nice t-shirt, i really love their 'enjoy the silence' cover!"
my moth drops open. "you like evergreen terrace? wow, that's awesome, I thought this was full of high school punks and stupid emo kids!"
interesting. the 'school-fag' has good taste in music.
"hey, be careful what you're saying... I've got a whole bunch of bright eyes, get up kids and other stuff at home..." he grins and I have to do the same.
"I'm sorry... I just saw a few kids out there that looked kind of...."
"Ah I know who you're talking about. my 'fans'"
I give him a look.
"Oh well, you know, me and my friends are kind of the outcasts at school, but they always come to our shows, you know, I'm in a band and Nate, my best friend by the way, is too.. oh. yeah we have a show this Friday, both bands and a third one i don't know but heard of that they're good, i could put you on the list if you like"
this kid talks a lot. I don't think I got half of what he was saying.
"list?"
"Yeah... uhm.. guest list. you know.. you could get in for free... it's only 3 bucks anyway but maybe if you have to pay you won't come, the other band is kind of hardcore, but we're pretty emo-ish actually, even though I like to scream and stuff and finch, that's Nates band - mine's called brand new by the way - well finch is really awesome and i think you could even like them without them being hardcore"
I want to tell him to slow down but I don't. I think I can actually make friends with this guy. and it's kind of funny hearing him talking without having to breath.
"Hey, it's cool, I'm not only listening to the hardcore stuff, you know, I was just trying to look good in case there are a few hardcore chicks at this school." I blink at him but he just looks at me and shakes his head in a weird way (you know how it looks like somebody is trying to shake a thought away)
"okay, so you'll be there? it starts at 7. let me see your schedule." he takes it out of my hand, reads it and gives it back to me.
"It looks like we have lunch together but not any more lessons, but you have a few with Nate, world history after this, Nate's in there, too, he can give you the other informations, I'll introduce you to him."
we keep talking about the show and how excited he is and about music in general. and when the bell rings and the lesson's over we take our stuff and he grabs my arm. he leads me along the hallway and we’re earning suspicious looks from other students. I would have felt uncomfortable if I wasn't feeling so extremely good because of the way Jesse acts towards me. yes, I really want to become friends with him. he acts so normal. Something I’m not used to.
We finally stop in front of room 344. World History, Mrs. Winter.
"Here we are." he makes a gesture to make me follow him into the class. A few people are already there and he heads straight to the back and stops in front of a black haired guy that is doodling in his notebook.
"NATE!!" he yells and the boy - Nate - raises his head, eyes wide open almost like in a shock.
"What the.....Jess?" okay, Jesse lied, not everybody calls him 'fag' "What are you doing here? Anything important happened?"
"Well, kind of" Jesse starts. "I wanted to introduce somebody to you, that's Sonny, he's new and has history and a few other classes with you, and since he seems to have good taste in music i invited him to the show and thought you might give him the address and note down his name for the list and stuff."
Ok, I think I'm getting used to his way of talking.
Nate looks up and down on me and I could swear he's checking me out....weird
"okay Jesse", he shrugs. "Sonny, you can sit next to me if you want, the chair's alway empty...."
Jesse's smiling and leans over to Nate’s ear. damn I want to know what he's telling him! Nate looks at me and back at Jesse. 3 times.
"Are you sure?" he sounds disappointed.
Now Jesse looks at me and back at Nate. "I don't know, think about you about a year ago..."
"Ok, we'll see... now our new boy and I will have a nice lesson in world history and you'll go and have fun with biology..."
"Yeah, I'll definitely have..." they both laugh and a short time after Jesse leaves the class a small lady comes in. Mrs Winter.
"we're supposed to have a new student, anybody seen him yet...." she's looking into the class and I wave me hand.
"I'm already here, Sonny Moore"
"ah, Moore, Sonny. right. sitting next to Barcalow, Nate. okay."
strange lady.
she starts with the lesson and Nate turns to face me.
"So...." he starts. "what did you do to make Jesse talk to you?" He looks kind of serious.
"I have no idea, the teacher set me next to him and he introduced and I introduced and then he said he liked evergreen terrace." yeah, that's what has happened. "why?"
"Jesse doesn't talk to many people. in fact, since Tom told everybody the only persons Jesse's been talking to are teachers sporadically, me, Linda and Sarah sometimes.. and ..Dan."
"Who's Tom and what has he told everybody? who's Dan? what's wrong with Jesse?"
I know that sounds stupid but I feel like Jesse already is my friend and if he's got problems I want to know.
"Nothing is wrong with him....um... er.. he..." Oh great, he doesn't want to tell me. "I don't know if it's ok with him to tell you, but you'll find out anyway..... Tom used to be his best friend before we became friends... he trusted Tom. Tom is the reason why Jesse will never ever trust anybody. I'm sure he doesn't even trust me."
"oh." intelligent answer.
"well, he told Tom that he's gay and Tom couldn't handle it and became a real pisshead towards him, and after about a week the whole school knew..."
he's gay, I could have expected it when they call him fag, right? right.
"oh." wow, this answer isn't getting more intelligent....
"You're not freaking out now, will you?" Oh yeah, right, Nate's still talking...
"He's my best friend, well, my only real friend left, besides my band mates... and i really don't want him to be depressed because a guy he things could become a friend is freaking out because of his sexuality... not again."
"I won't.. I just don't know...." honesty is always the best way. "don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic or anything, I just don't know... how to deal with it. you know, I've only met one gay guy before..."
he sighs. "seems like today is your lucky day, you met two in your first two classes" he looked down at his feet.
okay... so he's gay as well? wow, were did i land? but I know I'm cool with it...
I should say something, but what?
"I'm cool with it, really!" I put my index finger under his chin and make him look up and I nod. I like his eyes, it's almost like seeing infinity and when he smiles at me I... stop it. stop it. stop it! .... turn to listen to the teacher.
"so... are you guys dating or something?" yeah, I want to know! big deal...?
he coughs. "No way, never! he's crazy. and i mean crazy. I'd be afraid he'd dress me as Gwen Stefani. he once told me she's the only woman he could think about having sex with, he really adores her it's not even funny any more. it's sick."
I look back at him and have to hide a laughing.
"Hey, stop it! I know what you're thinking!"
"what? I'm not thinking anything?" I have the urge to laugh even more and now he starts making faces as well.
"yes you do, you think about me with blond hair and a short dress and pink make up and red lipstick"
I'm trying hard to say something but I know that when I open my month I'll have to laugh out very loud so I just nod my head a few times and look back at the front of the class. weird thought, Nate as a girl. he doesn't look girlish at all... he looks good the way he does....
"Nate?” I ask, calming down again. “Who is Dan?”
he looks trough the class as if to make sure nobody’s listening. I don’t know why, nobody pays attention to us anyways, we could make out here…eewww where did that come from??
“Dan Trapp, we have sports with him, Jesse has biology and chemistry….we also meet at lunch.... and Jesse has a crush on him....”
"Let me guess... you don't like him?"
"Oh, no, he's a nice guy, but...." he looks around and I interrupt him.
"He's straight."
He let's out a noise that sound like a mix of a cough and a laugher.
"not at all, he used to fuck whoever was willing to. that's what I'm worried about. he told Jesse he just wants to be friends, because of his behaviour in the past, but he knows how much Jesse likes him and I don't know if he could control himself even if he wanted to. Jesse is a very loyal person and it would break his heart if he'd cheat on him."
"I get you, cheating sucks."
"oh, somebody's cheated on you?"
"bingo. my ex girlfriend. with one of the cool school team basket ball players... the sad thing is, I was dating her almost a year, she was the only girlfriend I ever had and she cheated on me only two weeks after we finally were a couple..."
"after two weeks???"
"yeah, after that I was so sick of girls..."
"cheating is really one of the worst things.. I will never understand how you can do that to somebody else..."
"well, she told me she didn't like me anyways."
"whoa, that really sucks." I know he's really sorry, I can see it in his beautiful eyes...
"it's ok, I'm over it and hey, I'll just find somebody else, there has to be anybody who's willing to take me.." i sigh and he pokes me in the side.
"hey, I have no doubt about it... if you were, you know... I would" he smiles and a smile back at him.
"thanks, Nate, feels good to hear something like that." it feels really good. I know I should feel weird about what he just said but I just look at him and smile.
the bell rings and we slowly head off to our next lessons. Nate tells me he'll give me the info for the show during lunch and I make my way down the hall to my next class: English. Nobody i knew in there. when the teacher come in he sits me next to a girl that introduces herself as Linda, I saw before and now I remember her sitting in my history class as well. she was looking nice. short black hair and glasses, yes, she had a little 'emo' touch. we talk a few sentences and then we follow the lesson.
after a while, she gives me a little letter and we lead a 'paper-conversation'
hey sonny
hey Linda
you're sitting next to Nate in history, right?
right
what did he do?
do?
he's.. you know
I know he’s gay
you know?
yeah, he told me
are you gay?
no
sure?
no y:e:s
okay, because, Nate is
I know
and you don't mind?
no, why should I?
guys normally say it's disgusting and are really mean to him and Jesse, you know Jesse?
yeah I know Jesse, he's in my math class.. and i haven't seen them acting 'gay' yet, I don't think it's more disgusting than acting 'hetero'
are you gay?
you asked that before
I know. do you think Nate is good looking?
i don't know if he's good looking, maybe he is...
he's nice, isn't he?
yeah I think so
hey sonny, are you gay?
no!
yes, you are
I'm not
ok, ok. but you're friends with them now?
I don't know.
do you know about the show on friday?
yeah, Jesse invited me
really? even though you're not gay? so they must see you as a friend already
you really like that topic
well, yes, I do, I'll be honest with you but you have to promise you're not telling anybody, ok?
ok, I won't
Nate and I were friends and he thinks I stopped being his friend because I hate him now.. but it's actually the opposite. I had a crush on him and when he told me he was gay it broke my heart...(btw, Jesse, Dan and I were the only persons at school who knew it, I think it's really strange he told you!) I couldn't deal with it.... now I can, and I really want to save our friendship. will you help me, Sonny?
oh.. I'm sorry, Linda. but sure, I will help if I can.
thank you. so since you're not gay. do you want to go to the show with me?
sure.
where should we meet? do you have a car?
no idea, I just moved here. and no car.
ok then I have an idea. you'll ask Nate if he can give you and a friend a ride to the club and tell him it's me when he already said yes, ok?
okay
great! let's catch the rest of the lesson...
that's weird. really weird. and I think I've used that word enough today.
now I have a few questions. why did Nate tell me that he's gay? a guy he hardly knows... and why does that make me feel so good? and why am I not excited about the fact that Linda asked me to go to the show with her? she's good looking I think, and she's nice.
when the lesson is over I say bye to her and go to my next class: art history. after that I will have lunch and meet Jesse and Nate again, and I'm looking forward to that. after lunch I'll have social science and sports, both with Nate in my class.
no, I don't care that he's gay at all. he's nice and I want him around. I want to feel his eyes locked on me and ...whoa. enough!
the lesson starts and the teacher sets me next to a guy who is moving as far to his side as he can when he hears that I have to sit next to him. whatever. I don't care. If he doesn't want to talk to me or anything I won't force him. I can go through one hour of boredom. maybe it's better this way, so I can actually follow the lesson....
but I can't. I'm thinking about lunch. I'm thinking about Nate. hold on, why? I should be thinking about Linda
when the bell finally rings and I grab my things to go to the refectory I'm getting nervous.
I go through the huge swing door and look around. I can't see Nate and am kind of disappointed but then I see Jesse sitting at a 4-persons-table in the back of the hall with an other boy. this Dan I guess. Jesse waves at me and I go to their table and sit next to him.
"Dan, this is Sonny, I told you, remember?" So I was right. Then he turns to me "Sonny, nice to see you, this is Dan, did Nate give you the info yet?"
Dan and I nod at each other and I tell Jesse that Nate wanted to give them to me during lunch because we were talking about a few other things and suddenly the lesson was over.
"about other things?" he gives me a look.
"well.. yeah.." I shrug. I doubt I should tell him what Nate and I talked about. not now.
"he told you." he still looks at me but he says it without any emotion. he just says it.
"yeah. don't be mad at him.. he said a few things I didn't understand and asked him if anything was wrong with you so he told me about Tom."
he swallows, looks down at his feet and shakes his head.
"I'm not mad at him." he pauses. "maybe it's better this way, I don't know if I had the guts to tell you and then you would have heard it from somebody else... besides.. I already told you how they call me..." he looks up at me again, "I just hope that doesn't mean anything to you."
okay okay, I could have guessed he was worried about that.
"No, I guess I'm fine with it, I look gay and you are gay" I start laughing and they both fell into it.
"Yeah that's exactly what I thought when I first saw you" Dan says. "but I guess it's this 'scene thing'"
"I don't know, I'm from a 2.500 people town, there was no 'scene'"
"Really?" Nate was suddenly standing pretty close to me. "Oh well.. you're coming to the show on friday and you'll see that we actually have a nice scene. you'll be surrounded by all the girls in a second, i have no doubt" he smiles and I feel warm inside.
"Yeah it's only monday and I'm already excited" I really am, 4 days and I'll be involved in the 'scene'. I have friends, gay friends, but friends. And they are pretty cool guys. If I wasn't straight I'd sure as hell would fall in love with Nate. Why can't a girl be like him?
"hey Sonny, what do you think about leaving those turtle doves alone and I'll give you the info for the show outside?" he grins at Jesse and Dan. I nod.
"okay"
we go outside the building and Nate is leading me to a dark part of the school court with a bench. perfect space for a make out session... with a girl!
"uh... nice place..."
"yeah, it's quiet and nobody seems to know about it.. I go here almost every day since this whole Jesse and Dan thing started... I really can't stand those looks they are giving each other..."
"oh. yeah.. i see." yes, I could start to proof how 'smart' I am...
he takes out a few papers and writes down something. then he gives it to me.
"we had flyers but they got wet so now we can only hope word is spread about the show. anyway. this is the address. do you know how to go there?"
"uh. no? could you... give me and a friend a ride?" yes I remember what I promised Linda.
he looks at me and starts grinning. "yeah, that way I can make sure you actually attend and good to hear you’re making more friends already"
"I'll be there 100%, I have to see if you're really as good as Jesse is saying"
"na. we suck. Jesse's band is the really good band"
"I knew you'd say that. But I don't have anything else to do anyway, and since I'm on the list I can feel special. I can tell everybody that I can see a hot band guy in action and don't even have to pay for it" shit, did I just say that???
I cough and he gives me a suspicious look.
"hey Sonny......you're sure you don't like guys?" ahhh ok, even the gay guys ask me now, does his ‘gay-radar’ don't work?
"eh.. yeah. why?"
"well, I could swear you're flirting with me, but since you told me about this girl you were dating and how disappointed you were about the whole thing...I don't know. I often misinterpret things and I don't want you to freak out or anything. I do think you're a nice kid and you're definitely hot, but I'd never try anything. friendship is really important to me. and I'd love to be your friend and honesty is the key. that's why I told you in the first place."
wow. tough stuff. I guess I should be honest to him as well.
"actually, I'm not sure I like anybody. I wasn't disappointed about this girl leaving me because I loved her, it was only my ego. She chose to cheat on me with an asshole. And I didn't feel anything about it, my heart wasn't breaking. after that I was thinking that maybe I am gay, so I dated this guy from my school but it was the same really. I am not gay. I'm nothing. and it's driving me crazy. I don't even know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody..."
I sigh and feel kind of released. I wanted to tell that somebody for quite some time and it feels good to finally let it out.
"dude, that really.. sucks. but I'm sure we'll find somebody for you." he pokes me and grins again and I smile back at him.
we sit there in comfortable silence and I lay down on the bench, my head in his lap. I close my eyes and feel free. I found good friends, I know I can talk with Nate about everything and I enjoy his presence. he told me that he thinks I'm hot and I should freak out but instead it makes me feel really good. I can feel hís hand on my chest, his fingers drumming a little beat.
"hey sonny..."
"yeah?"
"I don't believe you."
"don't believe what?" I sit up and look at him
"that you're so sure about not being gay and that you don't know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody."
"what exactly do you mean?"
“Sonny, you can’t tell me you look at me and don’t feel anything, I know you do!”
“I AM not gay.”
“So? I don’t know many straight guys that tell other guys they are hot. And you dated this guy for a reason....you wanted to know why you didn’t feel anything while being with girls. I’ve done the same. and I needed some time to find out how stupid it was to just use ‘any’ guy to realize I’m gay. it doesn’t work like that.”
“I know...” I didn't. I do now. of course it doesn't work like that... "I just don't know what to feel any more."
“Fuck, Sonny. I wouldn't tell you anything of this if I wasn't the same. I know how you feel. You’re afraid of your feelings. You’re afraid of yourself.”
I sigh. Within seconds I realize he is right. I am afraid. Afraid of looking at him and afraid of my own heartbeat. Afraid of thinking about just grabbing him and ….. I shake my head and look at him. Beautiful eyes, beautiful skin, beautiful hair...
“I don’t want to be afraid any more” I say quietly, more to myself than to him. it is the only thing I can think of. God. He is so gorgeous. I look down at my feet.
“Sonny, I don’t want you to feel like you feel right now. I’ve been there myself. I …..I…. I just know that… I feel that we could…. You know… I think I like you.” He stops and sighs.
“Fuck, I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight because I will have to think about you. And I won’t give up on you. I never thought of meeting somebody like you...“
I look up. His words hurt me a lot but looking at him hurt even more. He's such an awesome person, how can I make him feel like that?
I put my hand on his cheek and know what I have to do. I lean closer, put my other hand on his hip and want to kiss him. My heart beats so fast I think I’m having a heart attack and pass out. He presses his hands on my chest and pushes me away.
“I know you don’t want that”.
“I do.…” I suspire.
“I knew it when I saw you in the refectory. you are right. with everything. I was dating Mike just to proof myself that I couldn’t be gay. he was the only guy at school everybody knew was gay. and he was so gay. he was wearing this stupid rainbow colored stuff, making those ‘hand-moves’ and… uh… he was singing kylie minogue songs each time he saw me! I didn’t think he was good looking. I didn’t even like him. kissing him was disgusting! but you are not Mike. you’re smart and you’re so beautiful. I could just sit here and stare at you for hours. or maybe not. because right now I just want to touch you. I never felt like this and yes, I am afraid. afraid of myself. but I want it. I do.”
“you were dating a queen! now I can totally understand you.” he smiles sympathetic. It looks so sexy. yes it does. god damn what am I concerned about? I like him. the end
“hell, I was dating one of those cliché-gays.” I have to laugh. “I was so stupid.”
“those guys are just trying to fit it. forget about that. now you’ll have a real man.” He laughs. “if you want me, of course.” Oh no, the puppy dog ‘buy me’ look.
I smile and nod nervously.
He put his hands around my neck, kisses my forehead and I put my hands around his back. he pushed me to lay on the bench and he leans closer. We’re face to face now and I close my eyes when our lips meet. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! His lips are so soft. This is it! This is the reason why I never felt anything while being with a girl! His chest presses against mine now and I never felt like this before. I notice his heart beating as fast as mine, they are almost beating the same rhythm. His tongue is playing with my lips and I open my mouth a bit to let it in. He moans and I decide this is the most sexy sound I’ve ever heard. I press him closer and then I notice his excitement.... I feel his cock pressing against my crotch. I open my eyes and I know I'll freak out soon.... I want to be with him, but this is too much for me. He looks at me and knows what's going on....
We sit back and sigh.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it.”
“I know. And don’t say you’re sorry. It’s me who’s a freaking pussy. I… I just…. I was not thinking about this. I’m the one who’s sorry. Give me some time to realize all this.” I can only hope he’ll understand.
“I should be able to control myself....” Now we are both staring at our feet. “I’m so sorry.”
I feel bad. There he is. This beautiful creature that only needed a few minutes to convince me of something I was trying to ignore for so long and what did I do? Keeping the distance.
Rating: not american so i have no idea.
Part: 1 of ?
Pairing: sonny/nate and a bit jesse/dan (from first to last/finch, brand new/senses fail)
Summary: *high school stuff, sonny's moved to diferent town and afraid of not finding any friends.. blablabla
Disclaimer: if you think this EVER happened you obviously have SERIOUS issues
Notes:
*my first try with 'real' persons
*i don't know much about the american school system, if somethings waaaaay stupid just ignore it please
*i'm not english so don't yell at me when i use wrong grammar or words :/
I knew it. I knew it the day my father told me.
this would suck.
our new house is pretty nice, though. well, dad has a better job now. means more money. means better house. means leaving the nice little town I was living my whole life....
at least I didn't have to leave a girlfriend, I don't have one...
you know, I seem like a tough guy to some, but really... I am not. I'm just nice and smart. girls don't like nice and smart guys. they always want to date assholes. that's how girls are like.
and friends? I had a few guys I hung out with at my old school but basically I was just with them. they didn't care about me being around. they weren't what I was looking for in a friend and I just hung out with them because I knew them my whole life. we got used to each other.
so here I am now. in front of this huge building I'm about to enter. being 17 and going to a new school is one of the worst things. it really is. I've heard terrible stories about high schools as big as this one. anonymity can be nice and I normally like it, but it can be dangerous as well. I doubt I will find any friends here, I'm too shy and too 'different'. but I suddenly feel like I could need a friend. I can already see fingers pointing at me and hear people whispering. I don't understand them but I'm pretty sure what they are saying.
soon enough, it's only a questions of days, maybe only hours, girls will ask me if I'm gay and the guys won't even ask. they'll beat the shit out of me, telling me to watch my back and they will write words like 'fag' or 'cocksucker' all over my properties. (ok so maybe I'm paranoid but you know that high school kids act like that! the only reason nobody 'at home' was acting like that was they all knew me. and the parents knew each other...)
I suddenly feel very angry. I know it will happen. I am not gay. but they won't care when I tell them I like girls. they won't care. they will only see that I'm wearing tight girl pants and make up and that my hair 'looks gay' and that I'm wearing those tight t-shirts... how would they react if they actually knew what kind of a band 'evergreen terrace' is? how 'tough' I actually am?
yes, I was trying to look hardcore but now I realize how stupid that was because at this school I'd obviously not find somebody listening to those kind of band... I saw a few wannabe-punks... and a few emokids that were all looking like they just found out they liked the used because in the new video quinn is looking so sexy..
I don't even know if he's sexy.. I'm a guy, a heterosexual guy. I just though he looked nice. a guy I could make friends with.. if he wasn't some kind of 'superstar' you know....
first period: math
great, math is my number one hate subject and I'm supposed to have it in first period? oh well, last period would be worse.
last period is.... sports. oh no... if I come to think about is, every subject sucks, even lunch sucks because... yeah I have to be alone for about 45 minutes and if I'm lucky some jocks will put me in a basket case like they normally do with 6th graders....
I try to find my classroom and when I'm finally in front of room 254 something in my head is beating and I really don't want to enter... but the door swings open from inside and a looks-like-he's-not-nice man (obviously my math teacher) just looks at me, waves me in and says "Ah, mister Moor i guess," I nod. "Sit down next to mister Lacey..." he points to an empty seat next to a guy in the back of the class that seems to be not interested in his environment. I hear whispers again. a few laugher and I clearly make out one comment 'oh they'd make such a cute couple'. what the hell?
I shrug and sit down at the seat I was supposed to, look at this 'mister Lacey' for a second and take out my math stuff. without looking at me he reaches out his hand, talking to me in a bitter tone. "I'm Jesse but you will notice everyone just calls me fag". almost coughing the last word.
Ok, now this was weird. but it kind of explains the comment i heard. is he the 'school-fag'? will I be the new one? even though I am not gay and this guy for sure isn't looking 'gay'.... he's actually looking kind of good, nice hair and... ok, enough of this!
"eh..? i guess I'll call you Jesse.... I'm Sonny" he's now looking up and facing me. I smile a little and he smiles back.
"Nice to meet you, Sonny, so you just moved here?"
"Yeah."
"And... oh.. nice t-shirt, i really love their 'enjoy the silence' cover!"
my moth drops open. "you like evergreen terrace? wow, that's awesome, I thought this was full of high school punks and stupid emo kids!"
interesting. the 'school-fag' has good taste in music.
"hey, be careful what you're saying... I've got a whole bunch of bright eyes, get up kids and other stuff at home..." he grins and I have to do the same.
"I'm sorry... I just saw a few kids out there that looked kind of...."
"Ah I know who you're talking about. my 'fans'"
I give him a look.
"Oh well, you know, me and my friends are kind of the outcasts at school, but they always come to our shows, you know, I'm in a band and Nate, my best friend by the way, is too.. oh. yeah we have a show this Friday, both bands and a third one i don't know but heard of that they're good, i could put you on the list if you like"
this kid talks a lot. I don't think I got half of what he was saying.
"list?"
"Yeah... uhm.. guest list. you know.. you could get in for free... it's only 3 bucks anyway but maybe if you have to pay you won't come, the other band is kind of hardcore, but we're pretty emo-ish actually, even though I like to scream and stuff and finch, that's Nates band - mine's called brand new by the way - well finch is really awesome and i think you could even like them without them being hardcore"
I want to tell him to slow down but I don't. I think I can actually make friends with this guy. and it's kind of funny hearing him talking without having to breath.
"Hey, it's cool, I'm not only listening to the hardcore stuff, you know, I was just trying to look good in case there are a few hardcore chicks at this school." I blink at him but he just looks at me and shakes his head in a weird way (you know how it looks like somebody is trying to shake a thought away)
"okay, so you'll be there? it starts at 7. let me see your schedule." he takes it out of my hand, reads it and gives it back to me.
"It looks like we have lunch together but not any more lessons, but you have a few with Nate, world history after this, Nate's in there, too, he can give you the other informations, I'll introduce you to him."
we keep talking about the show and how excited he is and about music in general. and when the bell rings and the lesson's over we take our stuff and he grabs my arm. he leads me along the hallway and we’re earning suspicious looks from other students. I would have felt uncomfortable if I wasn't feeling so extremely good because of the way Jesse acts towards me. yes, I really want to become friends with him. he acts so normal. Something I’m not used to.
We finally stop in front of room 344. World History, Mrs. Winter.
"Here we are." he makes a gesture to make me follow him into the class. A few people are already there and he heads straight to the back and stops in front of a black haired guy that is doodling in his notebook.
"NATE!!" he yells and the boy - Nate - raises his head, eyes wide open almost like in a shock.
"What the.....Jess?" okay, Jesse lied, not everybody calls him 'fag' "What are you doing here? Anything important happened?"
"Well, kind of" Jesse starts. "I wanted to introduce somebody to you, that's Sonny, he's new and has history and a few other classes with you, and since he seems to have good taste in music i invited him to the show and thought you might give him the address and note down his name for the list and stuff."
Ok, I think I'm getting used to his way of talking.
Nate looks up and down on me and I could swear he's checking me out....weird
"okay Jesse", he shrugs. "Sonny, you can sit next to me if you want, the chair's alway empty...."
Jesse's smiling and leans over to Nate’s ear. damn I want to know what he's telling him! Nate looks at me and back at Jesse. 3 times.
"Are you sure?" he sounds disappointed.
Now Jesse looks at me and back at Nate. "I don't know, think about you about a year ago..."
"Ok, we'll see... now our new boy and I will have a nice lesson in world history and you'll go and have fun with biology..."
"Yeah, I'll definitely have..." they both laugh and a short time after Jesse leaves the class a small lady comes in. Mrs Winter.
"we're supposed to have a new student, anybody seen him yet...." she's looking into the class and I wave me hand.
"I'm already here, Sonny Moore"
"ah, Moore, Sonny. right. sitting next to Barcalow, Nate. okay."
strange lady.
she starts with the lesson and Nate turns to face me.
"So...." he starts. "what did you do to make Jesse talk to you?" He looks kind of serious.
"I have no idea, the teacher set me next to him and he introduced and I introduced and then he said he liked evergreen terrace." yeah, that's what has happened. "why?"
"Jesse doesn't talk to many people. in fact, since Tom told everybody the only persons Jesse's been talking to are teachers sporadically, me, Linda and Sarah sometimes.. and ..Dan."
"Who's Tom and what has he told everybody? who's Dan? what's wrong with Jesse?"
I know that sounds stupid but I feel like Jesse already is my friend and if he's got problems I want to know.
"Nothing is wrong with him....um... er.. he..." Oh great, he doesn't want to tell me. "I don't know if it's ok with him to tell you, but you'll find out anyway..... Tom used to be his best friend before we became friends... he trusted Tom. Tom is the reason why Jesse will never ever trust anybody. I'm sure he doesn't even trust me."
"oh." intelligent answer.
"well, he told Tom that he's gay and Tom couldn't handle it and became a real pisshead towards him, and after about a week the whole school knew..."
he's gay, I could have expected it when they call him fag, right? right.
"oh." wow, this answer isn't getting more intelligent....
"You're not freaking out now, will you?" Oh yeah, right, Nate's still talking...
"He's my best friend, well, my only real friend left, besides my band mates... and i really don't want him to be depressed because a guy he things could become a friend is freaking out because of his sexuality... not again."
"I won't.. I just don't know...." honesty is always the best way. "don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic or anything, I just don't know... how to deal with it. you know, I've only met one gay guy before..."
he sighs. "seems like today is your lucky day, you met two in your first two classes" he looked down at his feet.
okay... so he's gay as well? wow, were did i land? but I know I'm cool with it...
I should say something, but what?
"I'm cool with it, really!" I put my index finger under his chin and make him look up and I nod. I like his eyes, it's almost like seeing infinity and when he smiles at me I... stop it. stop it. stop it! .... turn to listen to the teacher.
"so... are you guys dating or something?" yeah, I want to know! big deal...?
he coughs. "No way, never! he's crazy. and i mean crazy. I'd be afraid he'd dress me as Gwen Stefani. he once told me she's the only woman he could think about having sex with, he really adores her it's not even funny any more. it's sick."
I look back at him and have to hide a laughing.
"Hey, stop it! I know what you're thinking!"
"what? I'm not thinking anything?" I have the urge to laugh even more and now he starts making faces as well.
"yes you do, you think about me with blond hair and a short dress and pink make up and red lipstick"
I'm trying hard to say something but I know that when I open my month I'll have to laugh out very loud so I just nod my head a few times and look back at the front of the class. weird thought, Nate as a girl. he doesn't look girlish at all... he looks good the way he does....
"Nate?” I ask, calming down again. “Who is Dan?”
he looks trough the class as if to make sure nobody’s listening. I don’t know why, nobody pays attention to us anyways, we could make out here…eewww where did that come from??
“Dan Trapp, we have sports with him, Jesse has biology and chemistry….we also meet at lunch.... and Jesse has a crush on him....”
"Let me guess... you don't like him?"
"Oh, no, he's a nice guy, but...." he looks around and I interrupt him.
"He's straight."
He let's out a noise that sound like a mix of a cough and a laugher.
"not at all, he used to fuck whoever was willing to. that's what I'm worried about. he told Jesse he just wants to be friends, because of his behaviour in the past, but he knows how much Jesse likes him and I don't know if he could control himself even if he wanted to. Jesse is a very loyal person and it would break his heart if he'd cheat on him."
"I get you, cheating sucks."
"oh, somebody's cheated on you?"
"bingo. my ex girlfriend. with one of the cool school team basket ball players... the sad thing is, I was dating her almost a year, she was the only girlfriend I ever had and she cheated on me only two weeks after we finally were a couple..."
"after two weeks???"
"yeah, after that I was so sick of girls..."
"cheating is really one of the worst things.. I will never understand how you can do that to somebody else..."
"well, she told me she didn't like me anyways."
"whoa, that really sucks." I know he's really sorry, I can see it in his beautiful eyes...
"it's ok, I'm over it and hey, I'll just find somebody else, there has to be anybody who's willing to take me.." i sigh and he pokes me in the side.
"hey, I have no doubt about it... if you were, you know... I would" he smiles and a smile back at him.
"thanks, Nate, feels good to hear something like that." it feels really good. I know I should feel weird about what he just said but I just look at him and smile.
the bell rings and we slowly head off to our next lessons. Nate tells me he'll give me the info for the show during lunch and I make my way down the hall to my next class: English. Nobody i knew in there. when the teacher come in he sits me next to a girl that introduces herself as Linda, I saw before and now I remember her sitting in my history class as well. she was looking nice. short black hair and glasses, yes, she had a little 'emo' touch. we talk a few sentences and then we follow the lesson.
after a while, she gives me a little letter and we lead a 'paper-conversation'
hey sonny
hey Linda
you're sitting next to Nate in history, right?
right
what did he do?
do?
he's.. you know
I know he’s gay
you know?
yeah, he told me
are you gay?
no
sure?
no y:e:s
okay, because, Nate is
I know
and you don't mind?
no, why should I?
guys normally say it's disgusting and are really mean to him and Jesse, you know Jesse?
yeah I know Jesse, he's in my math class.. and i haven't seen them acting 'gay' yet, I don't think it's more disgusting than acting 'hetero'
are you gay?
you asked that before
I know. do you think Nate is good looking?
i don't know if he's good looking, maybe he is...
he's nice, isn't he?
yeah I think so
hey sonny, are you gay?
no!
yes, you are
I'm not
ok, ok. but you're friends with them now?
I don't know.
do you know about the show on friday?
yeah, Jesse invited me
really? even though you're not gay? so they must see you as a friend already
you really like that topic
well, yes, I do, I'll be honest with you but you have to promise you're not telling anybody, ok?
ok, I won't
Nate and I were friends and he thinks I stopped being his friend because I hate him now.. but it's actually the opposite. I had a crush on him and when he told me he was gay it broke my heart...(btw, Jesse, Dan and I were the only persons at school who knew it, I think it's really strange he told you!) I couldn't deal with it.... now I can, and I really want to save our friendship. will you help me, Sonny?
oh.. I'm sorry, Linda. but sure, I will help if I can.
thank you. so since you're not gay. do you want to go to the show with me?
sure.
where should we meet? do you have a car?
no idea, I just moved here. and no car.
ok then I have an idea. you'll ask Nate if he can give you and a friend a ride to the club and tell him it's me when he already said yes, ok?
okay
great! let's catch the rest of the lesson...
that's weird. really weird. and I think I've used that word enough today.
now I have a few questions. why did Nate tell me that he's gay? a guy he hardly knows... and why does that make me feel so good? and why am I not excited about the fact that Linda asked me to go to the show with her? she's good looking I think, and she's nice.
when the lesson is over I say bye to her and go to my next class: art history. after that I will have lunch and meet Jesse and Nate again, and I'm looking forward to that. after lunch I'll have social science and sports, both with Nate in my class.
no, I don't care that he's gay at all. he's nice and I want him around. I want to feel his eyes locked on me and ...whoa. enough!
the lesson starts and the teacher sets me next to a guy who is moving as far to his side as he can when he hears that I have to sit next to him. whatever. I don't care. If he doesn't want to talk to me or anything I won't force him. I can go through one hour of boredom. maybe it's better this way, so I can actually follow the lesson....
but I can't. I'm thinking about lunch. I'm thinking about Nate. hold on, why? I should be thinking about Linda
when the bell finally rings and I grab my things to go to the refectory I'm getting nervous.
I go through the huge swing door and look around. I can't see Nate and am kind of disappointed but then I see Jesse sitting at a 4-persons-table in the back of the hall with an other boy. this Dan I guess. Jesse waves at me and I go to their table and sit next to him.
"Dan, this is Sonny, I told you, remember?" So I was right. Then he turns to me "Sonny, nice to see you, this is Dan, did Nate give you the info yet?"
Dan and I nod at each other and I tell Jesse that Nate wanted to give them to me during lunch because we were talking about a few other things and suddenly the lesson was over.
"about other things?" he gives me a look.
"well.. yeah.." I shrug. I doubt I should tell him what Nate and I talked about. not now.
"he told you." he still looks at me but he says it without any emotion. he just says it.
"yeah. don't be mad at him.. he said a few things I didn't understand and asked him if anything was wrong with you so he told me about Tom."
he swallows, looks down at his feet and shakes his head.
"I'm not mad at him." he pauses. "maybe it's better this way, I don't know if I had the guts to tell you and then you would have heard it from somebody else... besides.. I already told you how they call me..." he looks up at me again, "I just hope that doesn't mean anything to you."
okay okay, I could have guessed he was worried about that.
"No, I guess I'm fine with it, I look gay and you are gay" I start laughing and they both fell into it.
"Yeah that's exactly what I thought when I first saw you" Dan says. "but I guess it's this 'scene thing'"
"I don't know, I'm from a 2.500 people town, there was no 'scene'"
"Really?" Nate was suddenly standing pretty close to me. "Oh well.. you're coming to the show on friday and you'll see that we actually have a nice scene. you'll be surrounded by all the girls in a second, i have no doubt" he smiles and I feel warm inside.
"Yeah it's only monday and I'm already excited" I really am, 4 days and I'll be involved in the 'scene'. I have friends, gay friends, but friends. And they are pretty cool guys. If I wasn't straight I'd sure as hell would fall in love with Nate. Why can't a girl be like him?
"hey Sonny, what do you think about leaving those turtle doves alone and I'll give you the info for the show outside?" he grins at Jesse and Dan. I nod.
"okay"
we go outside the building and Nate is leading me to a dark part of the school court with a bench. perfect space for a make out session... with a girl!
"uh... nice place..."
"yeah, it's quiet and nobody seems to know about it.. I go here almost every day since this whole Jesse and Dan thing started... I really can't stand those looks they are giving each other..."
"oh. yeah.. i see." yes, I could start to proof how 'smart' I am...
he takes out a few papers and writes down something. then he gives it to me.
"we had flyers but they got wet so now we can only hope word is spread about the show. anyway. this is the address. do you know how to go there?"
"uh. no? could you... give me and a friend a ride?" yes I remember what I promised Linda.
he looks at me and starts grinning. "yeah, that way I can make sure you actually attend and good to hear you’re making more friends already"
"I'll be there 100%, I have to see if you're really as good as Jesse is saying"
"na. we suck. Jesse's band is the really good band"
"I knew you'd say that. But I don't have anything else to do anyway, and since I'm on the list I can feel special. I can tell everybody that I can see a hot band guy in action and don't even have to pay for it" shit, did I just say that???
I cough and he gives me a suspicious look.
"hey Sonny......you're sure you don't like guys?" ahhh ok, even the gay guys ask me now, does his ‘gay-radar’ don't work?
"eh.. yeah. why?"
"well, I could swear you're flirting with me, but since you told me about this girl you were dating and how disappointed you were about the whole thing...I don't know. I often misinterpret things and I don't want you to freak out or anything. I do think you're a nice kid and you're definitely hot, but I'd never try anything. friendship is really important to me. and I'd love to be your friend and honesty is the key. that's why I told you in the first place."
wow. tough stuff. I guess I should be honest to him as well.
"actually, I'm not sure I like anybody. I wasn't disappointed about this girl leaving me because I loved her, it was only my ego. She chose to cheat on me with an asshole. And I didn't feel anything about it, my heart wasn't breaking. after that I was thinking that maybe I am gay, so I dated this guy from my school but it was the same really. I am not gay. I'm nothing. and it's driving me crazy. I don't even know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody..."
I sigh and feel kind of released. I wanted to tell that somebody for quite some time and it feels good to finally let it out.
"dude, that really.. sucks. but I'm sure we'll find somebody for you." he pokes me and grins again and I smile back at him.
we sit there in comfortable silence and I lay down on the bench, my head in his lap. I close my eyes and feel free. I found good friends, I know I can talk with Nate about everything and I enjoy his presence. he told me that he thinks I'm hot and I should freak out but instead it makes me feel really good. I can feel hís hand on my chest, his fingers drumming a little beat.
"hey sonny..."
"yeah?"
"I don't believe you."
"don't believe what?" I sit up and look at him
"that you're so sure about not being gay and that you don't know how it feels like to have a crush on somebody."
"what exactly do you mean?"
“Sonny, you can’t tell me you look at me and don’t feel anything, I know you do!”
“I AM not gay.”
“So? I don’t know many straight guys that tell other guys they are hot. And you dated this guy for a reason....you wanted to know why you didn’t feel anything while being with girls. I’ve done the same. and I needed some time to find out how stupid it was to just use ‘any’ guy to realize I’m gay. it doesn’t work like that.”
“I know...” I didn't. I do now. of course it doesn't work like that... "I just don't know what to feel any more."
“Fuck, Sonny. I wouldn't tell you anything of this if I wasn't the same. I know how you feel. You’re afraid of your feelings. You’re afraid of yourself.”
I sigh. Within seconds I realize he is right. I am afraid. Afraid of looking at him and afraid of my own heartbeat. Afraid of thinking about just grabbing him and ….. I shake my head and look at him. Beautiful eyes, beautiful skin, beautiful hair...
“I don’t want to be afraid any more” I say quietly, more to myself than to him. it is the only thing I can think of. God. He is so gorgeous. I look down at my feet.
“Sonny, I don’t want you to feel like you feel right now. I’ve been there myself. I …..I…. I just know that… I feel that we could…. You know… I think I like you.” He stops and sighs.
“Fuck, I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight because I will have to think about you. And I won’t give up on you. I never thought of meeting somebody like you...“
I look up. His words hurt me a lot but looking at him hurt even more. He's such an awesome person, how can I make him feel like that?
I put my hand on his cheek and know what I have to do. I lean closer, put my other hand on his hip and want to kiss him. My heart beats so fast I think I’m having a heart attack and pass out. He presses his hands on my chest and pushes me away.
“I know you don’t want that”.
“I do.…” I suspire.
“I knew it when I saw you in the refectory. you are right. with everything. I was dating Mike just to proof myself that I couldn’t be gay. he was the only guy at school everybody knew was gay. and he was so gay. he was wearing this stupid rainbow colored stuff, making those ‘hand-moves’ and… uh… he was singing kylie minogue songs each time he saw me! I didn’t think he was good looking. I didn’t even like him. kissing him was disgusting! but you are not Mike. you’re smart and you’re so beautiful. I could just sit here and stare at you for hours. or maybe not. because right now I just want to touch you. I never felt like this and yes, I am afraid. afraid of myself. but I want it. I do.”
“you were dating a queen! now I can totally understand you.” he smiles sympathetic. It looks so sexy. yes it does. god damn what am I concerned about? I like him. the end
“hell, I was dating one of those cliché-gays.” I have to laugh. “I was so stupid.”
“those guys are just trying to fit it. forget about that. now you’ll have a real man.” He laughs. “if you want me, of course.” Oh no, the puppy dog ‘buy me’ look.
I smile and nod nervously.
He put his hands around my neck, kisses my forehead and I put my hands around his back. he pushed me to lay on the bench and he leans closer. We’re face to face now and I close my eyes when our lips meet. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! His lips are so soft. This is it! This is the reason why I never felt anything while being with a girl! His chest presses against mine now and I never felt like this before. I notice his heart beating as fast as mine, they are almost beating the same rhythm. His tongue is playing with my lips and I open my mouth a bit to let it in. He moans and I decide this is the most sexy sound I’ve ever heard. I press him closer and then I notice his excitement.... I feel his cock pressing against my crotch. I open my eyes and I know I'll freak out soon.... I want to be with him, but this is too much for me. He looks at me and knows what's going on....
We sit back and sigh.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t help it.”
“I know. And don’t say you’re sorry. It’s me who’s a freaking pussy. I… I just…. I was not thinking about this. I’m the one who’s sorry. Give me some time to realize all this.” I can only hope he’ll understand.
“I should be able to control myself....” Now we are both staring at our feet. “I’m so sorry.”
I feel bad. There he is. This beautiful creature that only needed a few minutes to convince me of something I was trying to ignore for so long and what did I do? Keeping the distance.