As weird as my life has ever been~ (Tonight is my night off.)
This is the end of exams (EYAs, at least, ignoring math and higher chinese and philo COI -.-) and JC looms larger than before and I should be happy but I'm - not. It's an inexplicable feeling I can't tell if this is residual apprehension over history RA (which wasn't as bad as anticipated but always unpredictable), disguised anxiety over post-secondary, outright worry over my UWC application (which is entirely last-minute, lamentably) or just, idek okay.
...the only reason why I'm LJ-stalking the guy I'm LJ-stalking is because his life is interesting as a caricature and his boyfriend and him are so adorable together it makes me smile (: I would like something like that, I think; it's not even about the sex (although, according to him, it is - I should probably not say this is getting kind of creepy even for me), more of the intimacy and how ... idealized it is, how fic has idealized it for me. Therein lies the attraction to bandom, I think - how the band kids are just so happy and obviously having fun and young and attractive and full of life. Here, have a picspam :D Bandom makes me inordinately happy.
In case you don't know yet (i.e, I haven't screamed it excitedly at you in RL~), BRENDON AND SPENCER ARE ADORABLE AND MARRIED AND JUST ! They are so cute; it's impossible to feel prolonged upset over the break-up because all of them look so unbearably happy and bright and glowing it's heartwarming. Related to Grace's v. interesting post about LJ language/(sub)culture, the contrast was shown up very sharply today when I was fangirling over Brendon and Spencer to Wei Qing and Kar Min while Brenda was there, and Brenda failed to understand what I meant completely - I think it was the word 'married' that threw her off 'cos she asked, what are they gay? and I was like, no they're just Married~ :D and well, it's really awesome how bandom just subverts English for their own and it's so easy to immerse yourself into it and pick it up but yet so impenetrable to outsiders. (Interesting thought: I wonder if bandom in other languages have it too? Is there bandom in other languages? I saw a chinese J2 fic once O:)
Library visit was very enlightening today; I had to scope around for potential topics for History EE, so I was looking through books on Eastern Europe, particularly Ukraine and Czechoslovakia (which was actually only created in 1918 and broke into Czech Republic and Slovakia/Slovak Republic in 1933 I NEVER KNEW THAT O: ), and then a few on Switzerland because I thought how they maintained their prolonged neutrality is really interesting, and I actually absorbed a lot O: The library is an exceptionally beautiful place it is quiet and peaceful and bound by glass and city scenery. I was particularly intrigued by Czech Republic because it had a very interesting history of being traditionally wealthy and cultural - it is the cultural result of the mix of Jewish, Czech and German heritages, but then it was invaded by the Germanic people (called the Franks I am quite :D) and then under English aristocracy, and subsequently subsumed under the Habsburg empire before being united with Slovakia to form Czechoslovakia after WWI. Then Hitler invaded it, after which the Soviet Union went in and a communist government was set up - but ironically, the communists were voted in because the existing president couldn't handle it, so he just ... gave up (-.-) but after that, there was a kind of a peaceful (!) strike thing, and then the communists resigned peacefully and they held free elections. This is kind of unprecedented, I think - it was even called the Nov/Dec Velvet Revolution because it was so gentle. What was more amazing is that the same thing happened when Slovakia wanted to secede - they just discussed it in parliament, and it happened (it was called the Velvet Divorce), so I am both ?! and O: and impressed.
What I found interesting about the Ukraine is that it has great amounts of potential (rich arable soil, large amount of mineral deposits like coal and iron) but it has never managed to fulfill it because its accessibility (it's just this huge expanse of land, with no geographical boundaries) make it very vulnerable to invaders, and then there was a genocide by mass starvation instigated by the Soviets in the 1930s which decimated nearly half their population, I think? Or a third, I can't remember. But it was very D: Switzerland has intriguing parallels to Singapore.
Anyway, I am getting more attracted to the Czech republic for a strange, inexplicable reason but it's partially due to the book I'm reading now, The Spirit of Prague and it's by Ivan Klima (there is an accent on the 'i' which I can't type), who's a Czech writer who experienced the traumas of Czech republic (he was interned in a Nazi concentration camp and he basically lived through all the revolutions I am unsure if he is still alive); he is very inspiring and intelligent.
The struggle to transcend our own death is quintessentially human. The feeling that death should not be the end of everything is one of the basic existential feelings. By resisting death, we resist forgetting, and vice versa: by resisting forgetting, we resist death. One form this resistance can take, to come back to the passionate confession of Kazantzakis, is the act of creation. Consciously or unconsciously, this conviction must be present in the creator's mind: because I create, I resist death. Exegi monumentum aere perennius. This is why we cannot ignore the question of why we write, why we create, if we contemplate the meaning and value and authenticity of creation.
...Memory is not expressed only through a dutiful recording of a certain experience; it is, rather, a responsibility that flows from an awareness of a continuity with everything that went before, with all those who came before, that is, a responsibility for what must not be forgotten if we are to avoid ending up in a vacuum. The sense of acceleration our civilization is experiencing, the profusion of information that surrounds us with its hum, brings with it the danger that we will end up in this emptiness, that we will tear ourselves loose from our roots and fall into timelessness, nothingness. The same danger threatens literature, and all of art.
...A truly literary work comes into being as its creator's cry of protest against the forgetting that looms over him, over his predecessors and his contemporaries alike, and over his time, and the language he speaks. A literary work is something that defies death.
I was just very - taken. The second paragraph is precisely what I feel, I think - the sense of being adrift in a uprooted world. I suppose that is part of why looking at the Czech republic is so attractive to me because it has such a heavy sense of the past, their history, and it seems like the literature of the country has blossomed because of the heavy presence of communist censorship. Their president then, Vaclav Havel, was first an "important dramatist", then "an interesting essayist" and finally "a dissident" - there's something romantic about the fact that their president was highly accomplished in literature, was in fact a political writer who became president.
Then again, there are precious little resources on it so ):
I can't tell if I'm happy or not ): Anticipatory, definitely, but also stressed, because it seems like I have a lot of things to be doing, and - you know, the heaviest pressure, I realize, is always going to come from myself.
"I love Chinese," Jensen admits. Then, "This is you asking me out?"
Jared starts unloading boxes onto Jensen's desk. "Yeah, pretty much. I like you, and I'm hoping you like me."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "I do. But--"
Jared raises his eyebrows. "But?"
"But Nate's in my class."
"Is that not allowed?"
"It's not particularly encouraged. Other parents could accuse me of favoritism."
"It's kindergarten," says Jared. "He doesn't even get grades on his assignments, he just gets stickers that say wicked cool."
"None of my stickers say that," says Jensen, slightly affronted.
"You know what I mean," says Jared.
"And then there's--look, Nate likes me. If I got more involved in his personal life, he'd like me more, get more attached, and if we broke up, not only would it suck for him, he'd still have to see me every day in school. He's a smart, mature kid, but that would be tough for anyone."
Jared nods, slowly, like he's thinking it over. Then he puts down his box of Chinese, stands up, takes Jensen's Chinese out of his hands and puts it on the table, and leans down to kiss Jensen.
Jensen makes a kind of helpless noise, something stuck between surprise and pleasure, and kisses back. It's as good as he hoped it would be--awkward and exploratory, but something right coursing underneath it all, and he whimpers when Jared pulls back.
Jared nods, more to himself than to Jensen. Then he grabs his food and sits back down. "That's pretty much my counter argument."
- from here
Two last, fairly rant-y things:
1) Arts Fest? Is a joke. I am leaving out the requisite expletive there because I don't think the self-involved school administration is above Googling Arts Fest. They are practically doing our publicity for us, please. This kind of reassures me - we can't really fall short of those ... standards, if you could call it that. This is my pissed tone, yes; I am not usually so vehemently scathing - maybe I am, but!
2) 5x02 IS OUT AND THERE ARE SPOILER POSTS AND I CAN'T READ THEM D:
Lastly: Mr. Tan is kind of like an adorable small kid who hasn't entirely (or at all) shed his enthusiasm for life/academic life yet. I think it's rather admirable and endearing; Wei Qing, Kar Min and I met him in the foyer during the Career Fair thing and he told us that he's just been for a talk, and he signed up for all the slots because he has to "keep abreast of the latest developments", and. Oh man. This is dedication, you can't disrespect him for that.
...the only reason why I'm LJ-stalking the guy I'm LJ-stalking is because his life is interesting as a caricature and his boyfriend and him are so adorable together it makes me smile (: I would like something like that, I think; it's not even about the sex (although, according to him, it is - I should probably not say this is getting kind of creepy even for me), more of the intimacy and how ... idealized it is, how fic has idealized it for me. Therein lies the attraction to bandom, I think - how the band kids are just so happy and obviously having fun and young and attractive and full of life. Here, have a picspam :D Bandom makes me inordinately happy.
In case you don't know yet (i.e, I haven't screamed it excitedly at you in RL~), BRENDON AND SPENCER ARE ADORABLE AND MARRIED AND JUST ! They are so cute; it's impossible to feel prolonged upset over the break-up because all of them look so unbearably happy and bright and glowing it's heartwarming. Related to Grace's v. interesting post about LJ language/(sub)culture, the contrast was shown up very sharply today when I was fangirling over Brendon and Spencer to Wei Qing and Kar Min while Brenda was there, and Brenda failed to understand what I meant completely - I think it was the word 'married' that threw her off 'cos she asked, what are they gay? and I was like, no they're just Married~ :D and well, it's really awesome how bandom just subverts English for their own and it's so easy to immerse yourself into it and pick it up but yet so impenetrable to outsiders. (Interesting thought: I wonder if bandom in other languages have it too? Is there bandom in other languages? I saw a chinese J2 fic once O:)
Library visit was very enlightening today; I had to scope around for potential topics for History EE, so I was looking through books on Eastern Europe, particularly Ukraine and Czechoslovakia (which was actually only created in 1918 and broke into Czech Republic and Slovakia/Slovak Republic in 1933 I NEVER KNEW THAT O: ), and then a few on Switzerland because I thought how they maintained their prolonged neutrality is really interesting, and I actually absorbed a lot O: The library is an exceptionally beautiful place it is quiet and peaceful and bound by glass and city scenery. I was particularly intrigued by Czech Republic because it had a very interesting history of being traditionally wealthy and cultural - it is the cultural result of the mix of Jewish, Czech and German heritages, but then it was invaded by the Germanic people (called the Franks I am quite :D) and then under English aristocracy, and subsequently subsumed under the Habsburg empire before being united with Slovakia to form Czechoslovakia after WWI. Then Hitler invaded it, after which the Soviet Union went in and a communist government was set up - but ironically, the communists were voted in because the existing president couldn't handle it, so he just ... gave up (-.-) but after that, there was a kind of a peaceful (!) strike thing, and then the communists resigned peacefully and they held free elections. This is kind of unprecedented, I think - it was even called the Nov/Dec Velvet Revolution because it was so gentle. What was more amazing is that the same thing happened when Slovakia wanted to secede - they just discussed it in parliament, and it happened (it was called the Velvet Divorce), so I am both ?! and O: and impressed.
What I found interesting about the Ukraine is that it has great amounts of potential (rich arable soil, large amount of mineral deposits like coal and iron) but it has never managed to fulfill it because its accessibility (it's just this huge expanse of land, with no geographical boundaries) make it very vulnerable to invaders, and then there was a genocide by mass starvation instigated by the Soviets in the 1930s which decimated nearly half their population, I think? Or a third, I can't remember. But it was very D: Switzerland has intriguing parallels to Singapore.
Anyway, I am getting more attracted to the Czech republic for a strange, inexplicable reason but it's partially due to the book I'm reading now, The Spirit of Prague and it's by Ivan Klima (there is an accent on the 'i' which I can't type), who's a Czech writer who experienced the traumas of Czech republic (he was interned in a Nazi concentration camp and he basically lived through all the revolutions I am unsure if he is still alive); he is very inspiring and intelligent.
The struggle to transcend our own death is quintessentially human. The feeling that death should not be the end of everything is one of the basic existential feelings. By resisting death, we resist forgetting, and vice versa: by resisting forgetting, we resist death. One form this resistance can take, to come back to the passionate confession of Kazantzakis, is the act of creation. Consciously or unconsciously, this conviction must be present in the creator's mind: because I create, I resist death. Exegi monumentum aere perennius. This is why we cannot ignore the question of why we write, why we create, if we contemplate the meaning and value and authenticity of creation.
...Memory is not expressed only through a dutiful recording of a certain experience; it is, rather, a responsibility that flows from an awareness of a continuity with everything that went before, with all those who came before, that is, a responsibility for what must not be forgotten if we are to avoid ending up in a vacuum. The sense of acceleration our civilization is experiencing, the profusion of information that surrounds us with its hum, brings with it the danger that we will end up in this emptiness, that we will tear ourselves loose from our roots and fall into timelessness, nothingness. The same danger threatens literature, and all of art.
...A truly literary work comes into being as its creator's cry of protest against the forgetting that looms over him, over his predecessors and his contemporaries alike, and over his time, and the language he speaks. A literary work is something that defies death.
I was just very - taken. The second paragraph is precisely what I feel, I think - the sense of being adrift in a uprooted world. I suppose that is part of why looking at the Czech republic is so attractive to me because it has such a heavy sense of the past, their history, and it seems like the literature of the country has blossomed because of the heavy presence of communist censorship. Their president then, Vaclav Havel, was first an "important dramatist", then "an interesting essayist" and finally "a dissident" - there's something romantic about the fact that their president was highly accomplished in literature, was in fact a political writer who became president.
Then again, there are precious little resources on it so ):
I can't tell if I'm happy or not ): Anticipatory, definitely, but also stressed, because it seems like I have a lot of things to be doing, and - you know, the heaviest pressure, I realize, is always going to come from myself.
"I love Chinese," Jensen admits. Then, "This is you asking me out?"
Jared starts unloading boxes onto Jensen's desk. "Yeah, pretty much. I like you, and I'm hoping you like me."
"Yeah," says Jensen. "I do. But--"
Jared raises his eyebrows. "But?"
"But Nate's in my class."
"Is that not allowed?"
"It's not particularly encouraged. Other parents could accuse me of favoritism."
"It's kindergarten," says Jared. "He doesn't even get grades on his assignments, he just gets stickers that say wicked cool."
"None of my stickers say that," says Jensen, slightly affronted.
"You know what I mean," says Jared.
"And then there's--look, Nate likes me. If I got more involved in his personal life, he'd like me more, get more attached, and if we broke up, not only would it suck for him, he'd still have to see me every day in school. He's a smart, mature kid, but that would be tough for anyone."
Jared nods, slowly, like he's thinking it over. Then he puts down his box of Chinese, stands up, takes Jensen's Chinese out of his hands and puts it on the table, and leans down to kiss Jensen.
Jensen makes a kind of helpless noise, something stuck between surprise and pleasure, and kisses back. It's as good as he hoped it would be--awkward and exploratory, but something right coursing underneath it all, and he whimpers when Jared pulls back.
Jared nods, more to himself than to Jensen. Then he grabs his food and sits back down. "That's pretty much my counter argument."
- from here
Two last, fairly rant-y things:
1) Arts Fest? Is a joke. I am leaving out the requisite expletive there because I don't think the self-involved school administration is above Googling Arts Fest. They are practically doing our publicity for us, please. This kind of reassures me - we can't really fall short of those ... standards, if you could call it that. This is my pissed tone, yes; I am not usually so vehemently scathing - maybe I am, but!
2) 5x02 IS OUT AND THERE ARE SPOILER POSTS AND I CAN'T READ THEM D:
Lastly: Mr. Tan is kind of like an adorable small kid who hasn't entirely (or at all) shed his enthusiasm for life/academic life yet. I think it's rather admirable and endearing; Wei Qing, Kar Min and I met him in the foyer during the Career Fair thing and he told us that he's just been for a talk, and he signed up for all the slots because he has to "keep abreast of the latest developments", and. Oh man. This is dedication, you can't disrespect him for that.