My heart shall break open like a walnut (or, Not again)
Strange title, yeah, I know. Keeping it short today (ETA: SORRY IT GOT REALLY LONG); I want to sleep early and watch an episode of Supernatural and also not do homework.
1) Head Prefects' speeches. They definitely paled in comparison to last year, and I thought last year definitely took a step down from the yellow name tags, so there is a general decline in quality, regrettably, content-wise and also delivery (in part due to the poor quality of the video feeds as well as the loss in dynamism)
I think it may be the added perspective that leading ELDS this year has given me, but the biggest problem I had with the nominees is that they don't understand their limits as Head Prefect. I have no idea what goes on in PB, obviously, and what roles the Head Prefect have in PB, so I'm not presuming to say anything about it, but practically speaking, Head Prefects have barely a year, and within the limits of the school administration and the nature of PB's place in RGS itself, can only do so much. Making grandiose speeches about fundamentally changing PB, making the school a more passionate, caring, understanding, cohesive home for us, increasing communication between PB and the school population, about leading the direction and paving the way merely tells me that they have no idea whatsoever at what they're in for, what they have to do, what they can do, what the school population (i.e., I) wants/needs from there. What concrete changes to school do we really want them to make for us? Less (strict) school rules? More school 'bonding' activities? In the end, if nothing is changed, we don't really care.
I don't think I'm being defeatist in saying that nothing they do will amount to much, but there is a ceiling to what they can do; the inertia of the school system is nigh impossible to overcome, and they should recognize that, and not make noble promises that they can't deliver. What did our Head Prefects' nominees aspire to do in her campaign speech last year? I don't remember; do you? Does it matter? The biggest impact of the choice of Head Prefect is inevitably on the person given that role herself. What I would really like to hear in the campaign speeches is the acknowledgment that I'm not going to tell you that I can make all the changes you guys want in the system, the curriculum, even PB, because I can't. What I can do is make you proud of RGS , proud to be an RGS girl, and proud that I'm the face of RGS by being the best Rafflesian I can be.
That's because for me, the Head Prefect I want is someone I can see on stage every morning and keep feeling proud of having as a Head Girl, as my leader, because to most of the school population, those who are not in PB and not directly involved with working with her, that's really all you will ever see of the Head Prefect. The confusion between the terms is a key thing, too, because technically a Head Prefect is not equivalent to Head Girl, and what I'm describing is really more Head Girl than HP, but the latter has become conflated to the former in RGS anyway, so. At any rate, they'll learn. Whoever gets it.
(In a sense, if you can tell, this is drawn from my experiences of my position in CCA after the year, although I recognize that there are key differences between CCA chairs and Head Prefects, naturally.)
I'm not really keeping to the whole, Keep things brief, mantra.
2) I find it extremely ironic that right after all the fuzzy HP speeches about how RGS is our home and we want to make the school a more transparent, open and accepting community, we have a thirty-minute lecture about RGS' Computer Policy with vicious, no-nonsense Big Brother clauses like "personal safety" and "illegal activities" and "respect for privacy" and even more grimly, "limitation of liability", littered copiously with such segregative, defensive terms like "rights" and "privileges". It's frankly piteously laughable that the school feels the need to issue us such contractual, harsh policies and compel us to sign them; excuse me if I feel betrayed at having to acquiesce to the school implementing a multitude of measures to protect itself from me. Why is there a distinction between Raffles Girls' School (Secondary) and us, the student population? It might be horrendously naive of me to say all these, but what's with all qualifications and the obsequious, palms-open don't-look-at-me-I'm-not-guilty attitude pervading the whole damn piece of document? I don't understand how the school administrators can simultaneously profess a genuine desire to educate youths and present us with such a despicable document, I really don't.
It's not even that I'm stupid enough to expect any better of the school administration, really, what with the whole history of making stupid decisions and employing stupid teachers and the fiasco of planning for RGS 130th, but this really cements the fact that, for all the talk of RGS being a caring community and our home and all, it's just not true, because the RGS that we know and love is the student community, the network and relationships that we build informally and as best as we can within the ruthless walls of the school administration, who apparently sees us all as potential criminals and wellsprings of illicit activity, and who will not hesitate to march us off to the police station if we do something illegal! Just like what they did for auditions for Arts Fest (because they don't have the ethical right to convene all the Performing Arts CCAs in the Koi Pond under the guise of an Urgent Meeting to compel us to audition for Arts Fest, damn them) and also for Founder's Day preparations, the school admin's just demonstrating yet again that they don't give a damn for the social relationships and culture of the student population itself, that they have no qualms whatsoever about intruding on our own traditions and memories and stomping on them unceremoniously in their bid to present a shiny image of the school to the public.
Oh my god, I'm pissed, aren't I. I didn't realize at the beginning of this, but I am. It's really just typical, it is, and as much as I want to refuse to sign it on principle, I also know that it's not worth fighting for, this petty piece of paper (and oh, isn't this the reason why things like this keep happening - people don't think it's worth reacting to?). I'm not going to use their RGS account, I'm not even going to use their computer for petty 'crimes' like, oh, personal blogging, listening to music, and I'm not even intending to do illegal activities on it, seriously. It's really the lack of trust thing that gets to me, and the high-handed way they're treating such a trivial issue - but it's not like I have ever cared about the school as a system, and I see no reason to start now. Why should I, when it has cared so little for me?
Also, maybe now I know how my juniors felt, a little. Even though that's the school's fault, too, for the most part.
3) French was - Exhibit A of how the vicissitudes of human experience are awesome. I spent about, loosely speaking, two months freaking out over how bad going back to French will be, and I'll spare you the whole psychoanalysis about why I felt that way, but - today completely blew me away. Fournier was surprised and happy to see me. It felt like she genuinely wants me there, for my own good, and at the end, when I spoke to her with Sarah and Dharani, she asked me for my excuse letters only because she says RGS will crack down on me if I don't have them, to which I wanted to reply that I don't give a shit about what RGS thinks about me ponning French class as long as she's not mad at me; she also said that she's just concerned that my standard in French will drop, and that I need to catch up, in a advisory, genuinely worried manner, not a threatening one.
I spent the first half of the lesson in deep tension, waiting for the other shoe to drop and the other brick to fall, and after that talk, I left class more conflicted and torn-up than before, because before was just - fear and roiling tension at the (I thought) inevitable confrontation, but what I felt after was infinitely more difficult to decipher.
It - I liked French a lot today. I didn't - lag very much behind; actually, I didn't really lag behind, except for the oral bit where we listened to a French song, but that's normal, and I actually understood more of what Fournier said and I could read my texts too, so I'm relieved about that, and I did have fun during French! In fact, it was so much easier being in class that I was half-wondering what had scared me away for so long - which is bad, because Fournier actually asked me about H2 classes and DELF B2 and additional field trips like I deserved to do them, like I could, and it's just added responsibility, added burden, because now I'm not worried about Fournier's anger, I'm worried about her disappointment, and that's always worse. It's just that for me, my life practically revolves around people, not really things, per se, and when it's just about me failing French, not learning French properly, when I didn't even think that Fournier would be concerned about me beyond an absentee from her class, it was fine, skipping French was fine, but now that we've spoken, the relationship has been established, and she's actually worried about me failing, more's at stake than just me failing French - I might be disappointing her and suddenly things just matter more, you know?
I AM NOT KEEPING IT SHORT. This week has been mostly filled with little wonders, gestures from people which somehow always remind me of how lucky I am and which manage to lift my dark mood whenever angst threatens to engulf me, and it's such a lovely, lovely feeling, really. In the end, all the upsets and angsts don't really matter (or at least, they don't seem so big and unassailable) as long as you have people there beside you! :D
ENDING ON AN OPTIMISTIC NOTE, I AM HAVING A PRODUCTIVE AND HAPPY WEEKEND.
(Note to self: Coffee really helps during French.)
1) Head Prefects' speeches. They definitely paled in comparison to last year, and I thought last year definitely took a step down from the yellow name tags, so there is a general decline in quality, regrettably, content-wise and also delivery (in part due to the poor quality of the video feeds as well as the loss in dynamism)
I think it may be the added perspective that leading ELDS this year has given me, but the biggest problem I had with the nominees is that they don't understand their limits as Head Prefect. I have no idea what goes on in PB, obviously, and what roles the Head Prefect have in PB, so I'm not presuming to say anything about it, but practically speaking, Head Prefects have barely a year, and within the limits of the school administration and the nature of PB's place in RGS itself, can only do so much. Making grandiose speeches about fundamentally changing PB, making the school a more passionate, caring, understanding, cohesive home for us, increasing communication between PB and the school population, about leading the direction and paving the way merely tells me that they have no idea whatsoever at what they're in for, what they have to do, what they can do, what the school population (i.e., I) wants/needs from there. What concrete changes to school do we really want them to make for us? Less (strict) school rules? More school 'bonding' activities? In the end, if nothing is changed, we don't really care.
I don't think I'm being defeatist in saying that nothing they do will amount to much, but there is a ceiling to what they can do; the inertia of the school system is nigh impossible to overcome, and they should recognize that, and not make noble promises that they can't deliver. What did our Head Prefects' nominees aspire to do in her campaign speech last year? I don't remember; do you? Does it matter? The biggest impact of the choice of Head Prefect is inevitably on the person given that role herself. What I would really like to hear in the campaign speeches is the acknowledgment that I'm not going to tell you that I can make all the changes you guys want in the system, the curriculum, even PB, because I can't. What I can do is make you proud of RGS , proud to be an RGS girl, and proud that I'm the face of RGS by being the best Rafflesian I can be.
That's because for me, the Head Prefect I want is someone I can see on stage every morning and keep feeling proud of having as a Head Girl, as my leader, because to most of the school population, those who are not in PB and not directly involved with working with her, that's really all you will ever see of the Head Prefect. The confusion between the terms is a key thing, too, because technically a Head Prefect is not equivalent to Head Girl, and what I'm describing is really more Head Girl than HP, but the latter has become conflated to the former in RGS anyway, so. At any rate, they'll learn. Whoever gets it.
(In a sense, if you can tell, this is drawn from my experiences of my position in CCA after the year, although I recognize that there are key differences between CCA chairs and Head Prefects, naturally.)
I'm not really keeping to the whole, Keep things brief, mantra.
2) I find it extremely ironic that right after all the fuzzy HP speeches about how RGS is our home and we want to make the school a more transparent, open and accepting community, we have a thirty-minute lecture about RGS' Computer Policy with vicious, no-nonsense Big Brother clauses like "personal safety" and "illegal activities" and "respect for privacy" and even more grimly, "limitation of liability", littered copiously with such segregative, defensive terms like "rights" and "privileges". It's frankly piteously laughable that the school feels the need to issue us such contractual, harsh policies and compel us to sign them; excuse me if I feel betrayed at having to acquiesce to the school implementing a multitude of measures to protect itself from me. Why is there a distinction between Raffles Girls' School (Secondary) and us, the student population? It might be horrendously naive of me to say all these, but what's with all qualifications and the obsequious, palms-open don't-look-at-me-I'm-not-guilty attitude pervading the whole damn piece of document? I don't understand how the school administrators can simultaneously profess a genuine desire to educate youths and present us with such a despicable document, I really don't.
It's not even that I'm stupid enough to expect any better of the school administration, really, what with the whole history of making stupid decisions and employing stupid teachers and the fiasco of planning for RGS 130th, but this really cements the fact that, for all the talk of RGS being a caring community and our home and all, it's just not true, because the RGS that we know and love is the student community, the network and relationships that we build informally and as best as we can within the ruthless walls of the school administration, who apparently sees us all as potential criminals and wellsprings of illicit activity, and who will not hesitate to march us off to the police station if we do something illegal! Just like what they did for auditions for Arts Fest (because they don't have the ethical right to convene all the Performing Arts CCAs in the Koi Pond under the guise of an Urgent Meeting to compel us to audition for Arts Fest, damn them) and also for Founder's Day preparations, the school admin's just demonstrating yet again that they don't give a damn for the social relationships and culture of the student population itself, that they have no qualms whatsoever about intruding on our own traditions and memories and stomping on them unceremoniously in their bid to present a shiny image of the school to the public.
Oh my god, I'm pissed, aren't I. I didn't realize at the beginning of this, but I am. It's really just typical, it is, and as much as I want to refuse to sign it on principle, I also know that it's not worth fighting for, this petty piece of paper (and oh, isn't this the reason why things like this keep happening - people don't think it's worth reacting to?). I'm not going to use their RGS account, I'm not even going to use their computer for petty 'crimes' like, oh, personal blogging, listening to music, and I'm not even intending to do illegal activities on it, seriously. It's really the lack of trust thing that gets to me, and the high-handed way they're treating such a trivial issue - but it's not like I have ever cared about the school as a system, and I see no reason to start now. Why should I, when it has cared so little for me?
Also, maybe now I know how my juniors felt, a little. Even though that's the school's fault, too, for the most part.
3) French was - Exhibit A of how the vicissitudes of human experience are awesome. I spent about, loosely speaking, two months freaking out over how bad going back to French will be, and I'll spare you the whole psychoanalysis about why I felt that way, but - today completely blew me away. Fournier was surprised and happy to see me. It felt like she genuinely wants me there, for my own good, and at the end, when I spoke to her with Sarah and Dharani, she asked me for my excuse letters only because she says RGS will crack down on me if I don't have them, to which I wanted to reply that I don't give a shit about what RGS thinks about me ponning French class as long as she's not mad at me; she also said that she's just concerned that my standard in French will drop, and that I need to catch up, in a advisory, genuinely worried manner, not a threatening one.
I spent the first half of the lesson in deep tension, waiting for the other shoe to drop and the other brick to fall, and after that talk, I left class more conflicted and torn-up than before, because before was just - fear and roiling tension at the (I thought) inevitable confrontation, but what I felt after was infinitely more difficult to decipher.
It - I liked French a lot today. I didn't - lag very much behind; actually, I didn't really lag behind, except for the oral bit where we listened to a French song, but that's normal, and I actually understood more of what Fournier said and I could read my texts too, so I'm relieved about that, and I did have fun during French! In fact, it was so much easier being in class that I was half-wondering what had scared me away for so long - which is bad, because Fournier actually asked me about H2 classes and DELF B2 and additional field trips like I deserved to do them, like I could, and it's just added responsibility, added burden, because now I'm not worried about Fournier's anger, I'm worried about her disappointment, and that's always worse. It's just that for me, my life practically revolves around people, not really things, per se, and when it's just about me failing French, not learning French properly, when I didn't even think that Fournier would be concerned about me beyond an absentee from her class, it was fine, skipping French was fine, but now that we've spoken, the relationship has been established, and she's actually worried about me failing, more's at stake than just me failing French - I might be disappointing her and suddenly things just matter more, you know?
I AM NOT KEEPING IT SHORT. This week has been mostly filled with little wonders, gestures from people which somehow always remind me of how lucky I am and which manage to lift my dark mood whenever angst threatens to engulf me, and it's such a lovely, lovely feeling, really. In the end, all the upsets and angsts don't really matter (or at least, they don't seem so big and unassailable) as long as you have people there beside you! :D
ENDING ON AN OPTIMISTIC NOTE, I AM HAVING A PRODUCTIVE AND HAPPY WEEKEND.
(Note to self: Coffee really helps during French.)