All good things.
I have lost focus ): I should be writing my HP essay now (even though I do have a topic, and 800 words isn't a researchable length) and I just wrote little snippets of fic but the words are all coming out wrong.
Anyway, since I have time, and I'm going to be here a while.
I don't even know how to begin. The people? The school? The class? The CCA/batch? The teachers? Probably the people deserve another post, individual emails, but um.
It's undeniable, but probably also meaningless to say that RGS has changed me irrevocably. I was 13 when I entered RGS, barely a teenager, and now I'm 16, age of consent&all that, and youth is the most concurrently malleable and self-aware period, right? Obviously I was going to change. I think it changed me for the better, too, except that doesn't mean much either because I have more personality now, compared to when I was Sec 1. It's probably that what I'm liking now is simply the more, rather than the what. I remember being in Sec 1 - heck, I have impressions of my life in primary school, in all its embarrassing naivety and ignorance and banality - and I was nondescript. 110 was a pretty quiet class; it kept to itself. I remember fighting with my best friend from primary school during orientation week and feeling indescribably lonely for a day. Wow. Thinking that far back - and I don't really remember much from 110, except pieces and flashes here and there. I always used to be independent, I think; I remember filing Chinese during math class and being scolded, and doing other things during class, but I was never loud, just never obedient. I remember being all in love with Tess Gerritsen along with Squish, and how I actually started writing a prologue based on that, and Squish promised to be my editor when I became a writer someday. And also, cleaning the J-block toilets on the last day of term, as our class SL project. Such quaint memories. It's interesting how some promises are given and meant so hard in that moment, but fades so steadily and we change so quickly that when you think back on it, it doesn't really matter, not even a hint of wistfulness.
Sec 1 and 2 feel really very insignificant compared to Sec 3 and 4, and whether that's because I grew more obviously during Sec 3 and 4 or just because they were happier years, I don't know. Sec 2 was spent in a fairly isolated class, 211, but I met awesome people there. I remember being scolded multiple times by Ms Seah about the register (I was secretary, and hated it) and - not much, I don't know. Being in FPS, not being selected for CAP, I didn't really start writing properly, writing free-verse until after CAP applications; is that funny, or understandable, or just coincidence? I started fandom in Sec 2 too, I think; it was HP, naturally, and Draco/Hermione for a while before it moved into Harry/Snape, and therein my very first OTP. My very first fic, too. Beyond that, nothing really very startling or memorable or heartbreaking. Oh - hmmmmmm. Right.
Sec 3 and 4! And I can't talk about that without talking about 415, so. 415 has given me more than I can possible fathom. One of my very first memories of 415 is when the class list for Sec 3 came out, and I saw the 315 class list, and I started checking off: people I liked, people I didn't know, people I would rather not have in my class. It was a fairly even split between people I liked and people I didn't so much. If you're reading this, you'd be glad to know that the ratio has changed dramatically; I like most people in 415. Actively like, yeah. Funny how two years change things - or maybe it's just the nostalgia of departure that shades memories of people in a more favourable shade. It doesn't really matter. After that came OBS, also a kind of epiphany - the physical exertion, camping!, sitting around a bonfire - and then school started. There is never a sharp moment or event delineating a change or a transition from one state of being to another, but 110 and 211 were nice classes. 415 was a lot of things, but nice is too mild a word. 315 was messy, loud, like a lot of artists being cramped in a small room for two years - which is quite an apt description, taken literally. Eventful, but not really high-drama in the waterworks and backstabbing way. In a sense - in a sense I suppose it carries a hint of the atmosphere of bandom, the easy camaraderie but also the wild mood swings and fluctuations in style and partying and high spirits and all. It's exciting, being in 415. It's fun. I think that was what I needed, something to bring me out of my shell. I remember when I used to be afraid of speaking up in class! (IS THAT NOT IRONIC LOL LOL) And having stage fright; National Day modeling, seriously? Yeah, 415 made it okay for me to be outlandish and weirder and doing my own thing, and that kind of atmosphere is so difficult to recreate. I'm hoping Humanities Programme is going to be like that; I'm deliberately applying to HP under the initial impression that it's going to have the sort of creative freedom that 415 possessed.
(On that note, HP also carries the suggestion of more rigor, which is the next stage of my development following 415, I think. I need the discipline that underscores the artist's bold, abstract strokes.)
The thing about 415 is that I've always felt that I could walk into class and it was literally my second home (hello, files strewn all over the place, shoes taken off, sitting on table, sleeping on the floor) and being moved into J2 just strengthened that feeling. It was also safe, even in 315 when I didn't really know everyone as well yet, but I still felt as though I could walk into class and talk to anyone there and it'll be comfortable; that I could tell personal things to people and not have to worry about them spreading, not even having to specify, don't tell anyone what I said, okay? This security (whether misplaced or not, I don't know; it was never tested) was especially important in Sec 3, because CCA was giving me problems and it was good that I could always hide in my class if II needed to. And of course, I said this in the email, but all the allowances for fandom and bandom exclamations and squees! And it wasn't just for me - the Korean music, the quaint/outlandish/bohemian/plain weird costumes during special occasions and we just had fun together, even if some of us don't really have a lot of things in common, but in 415 that didn't matter.
There are a lot more things about Sec 3 and 4 outside of 415 as a class but - it'll feel quite awkward to start talking about specific people at the moment. I started reading more widely here; I think Newsweek came in Sec 3. Then History RA and later Lit RA in Sec 4, and then all the extra readings, and then Jalleh, and all the teachers who's made a significant impact on my RGS life came in Sec 3 and 4. Then WSC, obviously, and I only started becoming more involved in school events in upper secondary, more Sec 4, even. It's funny how things can progress when left on its own to develop logically, but without a specific end goal or intention. In a sense, a lot of things opened up for me in upper secondary, and that emboldened me to speak up more, and then more things are available, and the cycle continues. It's - interesting how things come without warning and there's less stress, but once you have something, you're worried about losing it/recreating/starting over from scratch in JC, which I am.
There are still a lot more things to say about RGS life in general; I've missed out a lot, but in general, my Sec 3 and 4 years have been incredibly eventful, not just in terms of official school events, but emotionally too, they have featured a lot of rollercoaster rides and upheavals, and of course, teenagehood/hormones amplify all feelings, right, and a lot of it is unnecessary angst, but - I don't regret them. I feel like they make life worthwhile, memorable, these dips and spikes of feelings, and if I'm living life larger than it really is, good. So be it. I'd enjoy that more than the alternative, I think.
That was my impression of RGS in general, four years and what I remember of the school experiences stripped from all the extra stuff. There's CCA, which has been a big chunk of my RGS life whether I like it or not, and then the people, the teachers, and the meta of RGS, and then LJ/bandom.
CCA-wise. CCA elicits such a wealth of contradictory and conflicting feelings in me, it's nearly impossible to explain. I haven't always been happy in CCA; to be honest, it's less clear-cut than that. I have had CCA-related conflicts every single year. When I think about it, it's actually pretty amazing how I got past all of them and didn't like, break down or quit or something because none of them were actually resolved. The cracks are there, but I guess they're pretty well-papered over. CCA is something inextricable; Aftermath, the production in Sec 1, has influenced me a lot subconsciously, I suspect. It was the first production I've seen, the first real school one, and of course, to our impressionable Sec 1 eyes, it was the most fantastic thing we've ever seen and it just cemented our admiration for our seniors. Aftermath also featured the first slash insinuation I've ever seen in my previously innocent life, and it didn't really catch on then - the link between Ben & Alex (so, so much like Brendon and Ryan when I think hard about it now) and then the Harry/Snape slash in Sec 2, and even though I read a bit of Aftermath fic (yes, there were fic!), the slash bit never really registered. They were all pretty gen (: In any case, in Sec 1 I was a silly little awkward junior prone to posting fangirl-y posts on my blog about my seniors, which they obviously found and then teasing ensued. (You might think after that I wised up about having public journals, but obviously not.) In any case, interacting with seniors has always been a problem with me, because I don't know how to do it naturally, and so I mostly avoid. It's ingrained; because when I first knew them I was young and foolish and ignorant, that's the version I'm stuck in with them, and now whenever I see them, it's difficult to break out of that. Which is why Sec 4 was my best year in CCA.
The thing about seniors is also that somehow, our cohort is the one with the innate, intense awe of seniors that's there by default. Our juniors (all three years down) don't seem to have that. We would jump when our seniors told us to do things; that sort of compliance just isn't there anymore, which is quite interesting; I've never gotten how cohorts develop an identity like that. I'm glad for that, in a sense; I like my juniors quite a lot. As people, I find them extremely interesting (in a way I've never gotten from my seniors about any of us) and I would like to know them as people, so I'm glad the junior/senior thing doesn't get in the way for them that much. I'm going to be keeping in touch with at least several of them. It's just different with each cohort, I guess; I've made my peace about the seniors thing a long, long time ago; my class helped a lot, because in Sec 3, CCA wasn't the focus of my life anymore; 315 made it a lot easier to bear the embarrassments/tension/awkwardness of CCA at times.
Yet the funny thing is, I've always been involved in batch things. It was an incredible stroke of luck, an advantage, in fact, to be the only scriptwriter/(and later director) in my batch. It's really odd, I suppose; I didn't even intend to join ELDS in Sec 1. I just wrote a script for my friends who wanted, and I was the one who got in, in the end. My script was terrible, seriously. Sec 1! I couldn't even write decently in Sec 1. But that's how things go, and it worked out. So being technically the only person for the job in my batch carries - some weight. It helps. With script comes directing, and with directing comes influence. Not to the extent that I immediately control every single thing, because my batch is pretty strong-willed too (hello, drama?) but it's a boost. It makes things easier that I don't have to fight for roles, and I hear that that cuts out a lot of politicking even within batches. In any case, our batch has fought a lot. I've been in the middle of it a lot of times too. Sec 1 for the Sec Four Farewell Gift, Sec 2 re: Open House, and apparently Ashima and I had this massive war thing which I somehow completely missed and cannot remember at all, and then here and there, little things, and of course, the one three days before production this year that felt so much like the final straw.
It's - hard to conclude, because on one hand, I trust my batch implicitly about certain things. It's the same kind of unthinking, blind trust that I said earlier I had in my class, except about different things. But on a lot of things, I don't either. We don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and we aren't exposed to the same cultures, which makes for interesting conversation, but sometimes I'll be exasperated when they don't pick up nuances in the words I write, or the scripts we have, and then there are times I micromanage and I direct in minute details and that's hard for them too. It's a lot of give and take, ultimately, and - the result is murky. On a basic level, the acceptance isn't really there - we are just really, really different people - and I think in the recent years it was only easier for me to fit in because finding my place in 415 made it easier to not have a clear-cut one in my batch. But my batch has also really helped a lot; acting-wise, confidence-wise. The entire CCA has done a lot for me - the production! the chance to have a production! - it boils down to the win some, lose some. I suppose. This is why it's hard for me to label it. So many good things, and so many bad ones.
People! People people people! Ah. I've met a ton of gorgeous people in RGS; it's hard sometimes to muster up the effort to go out and meet new people, to bother talking to new people because it feels like I already known all the awesome people I need to, and I'll be happy with them. I'm wondering how JC would manage to throw me more amazing people like the ones I already know, bah. And then I'm sad that I can't spend two more of my formative years as close to them as I did the past four/three/two, but. I didn't want to write in many people's yearbooks last Friday because if I plan to stay in contact with you, there's no need for me to write what feels like my last words, right. People asked, though, so. And I suppose it makes sense, because good intentions are only worth something the moment they're made, and what happens after that is anyone's guess, so it's a kind of safety net. It'll look pretty ten years from now the way a continuous chain of email that stops May 2010 wouldn't. I don't want to leave a lot of people, even though reality and practicality and experience tells me I probably would, and the worse thing is that a year from now, I might not even care anymore. There are times when I try hard to think about what I'll feel if someone left, and very few people actually make me feel as though I'd miss them. The thing is, various things have taught me that irreplaceable is too demanding an adjective; very few people actually are. People move on; what matters isn't that you're irreplaceable but that you don't let yourself get replaced, if you don't want to. I daresay I'll be fine (eventually) if someone close left to go somewhere else far away, but that doesn't mean I want her to. I think that choice that you make to not lose someone is far more important; like, it's not about getting over someone, but not wanting to?
New Year Resolutions and all, right, I know - but this isn't New Year, so maybe I'd have a shot. Keep in touch, yes, even if it's via LJ or something. I WILL SEND OUT RANDOM EMAILS, BE WARNED. I tend to have long email conversations with people I see in school daily, but ah. That's fun. I meant it about the random-email-me-anytime thing, in my email to 415, really, but I know most people whom I don't stay in touch with anyway aren't going to. Still.
Now, about LJ! I've kept this LJ for a pretty long time. I think I'm moving after this post, or maybe after a production-one, if I still bother. And after the one about RGS administration. This is also related to people; LJ has let me talked to a couple of people I would never have, otherwise, and wow, I'm intensely grateful for that because even in my last few months in RGS, I've been rediscovering people that I somehow managed to not speak to for the past four/three/two years but have been radiating awesome all those while. There's that easy intimacy about LJ that lets you talk to people in ways you normally wouldn't (and no, I am not talking about like, stalking bandom authors :P) and I'm glad for that.
Bandom has been another fantastic thing to come from LJ (come on, you knew I was going to say that~) and bandom has hit me like no other fandom - or maybe I just say that for all other fandoms, I don't know. But bandom is - bandom actually makes me desperately want to move to America and like, be part of it. This. Bandom is what got me started seriously on fic and being a fic writer and contributing because I wanted to be part of the community, the awesome one where people from different states and countries, even, meet and talk over LJ and then they become friends and they send parcels to each other and sometimes even meet in RL and live together and make awesome references in fic. Bandom struck me as a very intelligent, very aware and very politically conscious group of people who write well and read well, and logically I know, I know that fic isn't RL and American teenagers don't really live like that and the bandom circles I lurk isn't everything and there are tons of bandom fans out there who can't string a coherent sentence together. That really isn't the point; I read LJ posts about people who are having problems in school and find friends in their online communities and then the epic bigbang! fics of 40k, 50k, 70k words they write, and invest so much time and disciplined effort in, and if you know how, there are a lot of things to be learnt from bandom/fic. Meta posts about triggering, and the ethics of labelling fic and stagegay and I've seen posts about sci-fiction writing! and compartmentalization and RPF and political ones about 9/11, and fandom in general was what started the entire gay rights consciousness that I have now.
What also makes bandom so attractive for me is the people themselves, obviously, but more than just their (gorgeous) looks and (awesome) lyrics and (fantastic) music is that feel of Wentzdom (AHAHAHAHA). That's the vicarious exhilaration of watching them perform live, and being teenagers having fun and kids just like me (although infinitely cooler, please) and the image of them as not-unlike us, actually. Above I said how the people I know reminds me of bandom, in a faint, very non-sexual sense (I need to specify! that because um, bandom = slash, essentially!) because there's the easy intimacy and the hugs and the comfort of being friends and a lot of fic is about that. Teenagers growing up! Angst! Friends being douchey! Friends teasing each other! Funny! And of course, the romance, which is totally there because it's cathartic and I need some angst and H/C every so often that I know will be resolved by the end of the fic (unlike say, RL romances) and also because I'm a girl (: This isn't rationalization; a lot of bandom is also about hot boys making out on stage in make-up and costumes but that's not all there is to it.
Sometimes I can't tell if the feelings explored in bandom fic feel so real because they do exist in RL, and the writer captured them explicitly, or if I only feel them personally because the bandom fic I read influence my definition, even the existence of my feelings regarding things in my life?
Ah, I don't know. This chapter isn't entirely shut until RJC begins; there's still a lot of residue bits and pieces - FAM, class outing, chalets, etc. etc. This doesn't really feel like a graduation post either; I don't feel a sense of closure. I guess I'm not entirely done. Or maybe there isn't anything to close up.
Anyway, since I have time, and I'm going to be here a while.
I don't even know how to begin. The people? The school? The class? The CCA/batch? The teachers? Probably the people deserve another post, individual emails, but um.
It's undeniable, but probably also meaningless to say that RGS has changed me irrevocably. I was 13 when I entered RGS, barely a teenager, and now I'm 16, age of consent&all that, and youth is the most concurrently malleable and self-aware period, right? Obviously I was going to change. I think it changed me for the better, too, except that doesn't mean much either because I have more personality now, compared to when I was Sec 1. It's probably that what I'm liking now is simply the more, rather than the what. I remember being in Sec 1 - heck, I have impressions of my life in primary school, in all its embarrassing naivety and ignorance and banality - and I was nondescript. 110 was a pretty quiet class; it kept to itself. I remember fighting with my best friend from primary school during orientation week and feeling indescribably lonely for a day. Wow. Thinking that far back - and I don't really remember much from 110, except pieces and flashes here and there. I always used to be independent, I think; I remember filing Chinese during math class and being scolded, and doing other things during class, but I was never loud, just never obedient. I remember being all in love with Tess Gerritsen along with Squish, and how I actually started writing a prologue based on that, and Squish promised to be my editor when I became a writer someday. And also, cleaning the J-block toilets on the last day of term, as our class SL project. Such quaint memories. It's interesting how some promises are given and meant so hard in that moment, but fades so steadily and we change so quickly that when you think back on it, it doesn't really matter, not even a hint of wistfulness.
Sec 1 and 2 feel really very insignificant compared to Sec 3 and 4, and whether that's because I grew more obviously during Sec 3 and 4 or just because they were happier years, I don't know. Sec 2 was spent in a fairly isolated class, 211, but I met awesome people there. I remember being scolded multiple times by Ms Seah about the register (I was secretary, and hated it) and - not much, I don't know. Being in FPS, not being selected for CAP, I didn't really start writing properly, writing free-verse until after CAP applications; is that funny, or understandable, or just coincidence? I started fandom in Sec 2 too, I think; it was HP, naturally, and Draco/Hermione for a while before it moved into Harry/Snape, and therein my very first OTP. My very first fic, too. Beyond that, nothing really very startling or memorable or heartbreaking. Oh - hmmmmmm. Right.
Sec 3 and 4! And I can't talk about that without talking about 415, so. 415 has given me more than I can possible fathom. One of my very first memories of 415 is when the class list for Sec 3 came out, and I saw the 315 class list, and I started checking off: people I liked, people I didn't know, people I would rather not have in my class. It was a fairly even split between people I liked and people I didn't so much. If you're reading this, you'd be glad to know that the ratio has changed dramatically; I like most people in 415. Actively like, yeah. Funny how two years change things - or maybe it's just the nostalgia of departure that shades memories of people in a more favourable shade. It doesn't really matter. After that came OBS, also a kind of epiphany - the physical exertion, camping!, sitting around a bonfire - and then school started. There is never a sharp moment or event delineating a change or a transition from one state of being to another, but 110 and 211 were nice classes. 415 was a lot of things, but nice is too mild a word. 315 was messy, loud, like a lot of artists being cramped in a small room for two years - which is quite an apt description, taken literally. Eventful, but not really high-drama in the waterworks and backstabbing way. In a sense - in a sense I suppose it carries a hint of the atmosphere of bandom, the easy camaraderie but also the wild mood swings and fluctuations in style and partying and high spirits and all. It's exciting, being in 415. It's fun. I think that was what I needed, something to bring me out of my shell. I remember when I used to be afraid of speaking up in class! (IS THAT NOT IRONIC LOL LOL) And having stage fright; National Day modeling, seriously? Yeah, 415 made it okay for me to be outlandish and weirder and doing my own thing, and that kind of atmosphere is so difficult to recreate. I'm hoping Humanities Programme is going to be like that; I'm deliberately applying to HP under the initial impression that it's going to have the sort of creative freedom that 415 possessed.
(On that note, HP also carries the suggestion of more rigor, which is the next stage of my development following 415, I think. I need the discipline that underscores the artist's bold, abstract strokes.)
The thing about 415 is that I've always felt that I could walk into class and it was literally my second home (hello, files strewn all over the place, shoes taken off, sitting on table, sleeping on the floor) and being moved into J2 just strengthened that feeling. It was also safe, even in 315 when I didn't really know everyone as well yet, but I still felt as though I could walk into class and talk to anyone there and it'll be comfortable; that I could tell personal things to people and not have to worry about them spreading, not even having to specify, don't tell anyone what I said, okay? This security (whether misplaced or not, I don't know; it was never tested) was especially important in Sec 3, because CCA was giving me problems and it was good that I could always hide in my class if II needed to. And of course, I said this in the email, but all the allowances for fandom and bandom exclamations and squees! And it wasn't just for me - the Korean music, the quaint/outlandish/bohemian/plain weird costumes during special occasions and we just had fun together, even if some of us don't really have a lot of things in common, but in 415 that didn't matter.
There are a lot more things about Sec 3 and 4 outside of 415 as a class but - it'll feel quite awkward to start talking about specific people at the moment. I started reading more widely here; I think Newsweek came in Sec 3. Then History RA and later Lit RA in Sec 4, and then all the extra readings, and then Jalleh, and all the teachers who's made a significant impact on my RGS life came in Sec 3 and 4. Then WSC, obviously, and I only started becoming more involved in school events in upper secondary, more Sec 4, even. It's funny how things can progress when left on its own to develop logically, but without a specific end goal or intention. In a sense, a lot of things opened up for me in upper secondary, and that emboldened me to speak up more, and then more things are available, and the cycle continues. It's - interesting how things come without warning and there's less stress, but once you have something, you're worried about losing it/recreating/starting over from scratch in JC, which I am.
There are still a lot more things to say about RGS life in general; I've missed out a lot, but in general, my Sec 3 and 4 years have been incredibly eventful, not just in terms of official school events, but emotionally too, they have featured a lot of rollercoaster rides and upheavals, and of course, teenagehood/hormones amplify all feelings, right, and a lot of it is unnecessary angst, but - I don't regret them. I feel like they make life worthwhile, memorable, these dips and spikes of feelings, and if I'm living life larger than it really is, good. So be it. I'd enjoy that more than the alternative, I think.
That was my impression of RGS in general, four years and what I remember of the school experiences stripped from all the extra stuff. There's CCA, which has been a big chunk of my RGS life whether I like it or not, and then the people, the teachers, and the meta of RGS, and then LJ/bandom.
CCA-wise. CCA elicits such a wealth of contradictory and conflicting feelings in me, it's nearly impossible to explain. I haven't always been happy in CCA; to be honest, it's less clear-cut than that. I have had CCA-related conflicts every single year. When I think about it, it's actually pretty amazing how I got past all of them and didn't like, break down or quit or something because none of them were actually resolved. The cracks are there, but I guess they're pretty well-papered over. CCA is something inextricable; Aftermath, the production in Sec 1, has influenced me a lot subconsciously, I suspect. It was the first production I've seen, the first real school one, and of course, to our impressionable Sec 1 eyes, it was the most fantastic thing we've ever seen and it just cemented our admiration for our seniors. Aftermath also featured the first slash insinuation I've ever seen in my previously innocent life, and it didn't really catch on then - the link between Ben & Alex (so, so much like Brendon and Ryan when I think hard about it now) and then the Harry/Snape slash in Sec 2, and even though I read a bit of Aftermath fic (yes, there were fic!), the slash bit never really registered. They were all pretty gen (: In any case, in Sec 1 I was a silly little awkward junior prone to posting fangirl-y posts on my blog about my seniors, which they obviously found and then teasing ensued. (You might think after that I wised up about having public journals, but obviously not.) In any case, interacting with seniors has always been a problem with me, because I don't know how to do it naturally, and so I mostly avoid. It's ingrained; because when I first knew them I was young and foolish and ignorant, that's the version I'm stuck in with them, and now whenever I see them, it's difficult to break out of that. Which is why Sec 4 was my best year in CCA.
The thing about seniors is also that somehow, our cohort is the one with the innate, intense awe of seniors that's there by default. Our juniors (all three years down) don't seem to have that. We would jump when our seniors told us to do things; that sort of compliance just isn't there anymore, which is quite interesting; I've never gotten how cohorts develop an identity like that. I'm glad for that, in a sense; I like my juniors quite a lot. As people, I find them extremely interesting (in a way I've never gotten from my seniors about any of us) and I would like to know them as people, so I'm glad the junior/senior thing doesn't get in the way for them that much. I'm going to be keeping in touch with at least several of them. It's just different with each cohort, I guess; I've made my peace about the seniors thing a long, long time ago; my class helped a lot, because in Sec 3, CCA wasn't the focus of my life anymore; 315 made it a lot easier to bear the embarrassments/tension/awkwardness of CCA at times.
Yet the funny thing is, I've always been involved in batch things. It was an incredible stroke of luck, an advantage, in fact, to be the only scriptwriter/(and later director) in my batch. It's really odd, I suppose; I didn't even intend to join ELDS in Sec 1. I just wrote a script for my friends who wanted, and I was the one who got in, in the end. My script was terrible, seriously. Sec 1! I couldn't even write decently in Sec 1. But that's how things go, and it worked out. So being technically the only person for the job in my batch carries - some weight. It helps. With script comes directing, and with directing comes influence. Not to the extent that I immediately control every single thing, because my batch is pretty strong-willed too (hello, drama?) but it's a boost. It makes things easier that I don't have to fight for roles, and I hear that that cuts out a lot of politicking even within batches. In any case, our batch has fought a lot. I've been in the middle of it a lot of times too. Sec 1 for the Sec Four Farewell Gift, Sec 2 re: Open House, and apparently Ashima and I had this massive war thing which I somehow completely missed and cannot remember at all, and then here and there, little things, and of course, the one three days before production this year that felt so much like the final straw.
It's - hard to conclude, because on one hand, I trust my batch implicitly about certain things. It's the same kind of unthinking, blind trust that I said earlier I had in my class, except about different things. But on a lot of things, I don't either. We don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and we aren't exposed to the same cultures, which makes for interesting conversation, but sometimes I'll be exasperated when they don't pick up nuances in the words I write, or the scripts we have, and then there are times I micromanage and I direct in minute details and that's hard for them too. It's a lot of give and take, ultimately, and - the result is murky. On a basic level, the acceptance isn't really there - we are just really, really different people - and I think in the recent years it was only easier for me to fit in because finding my place in 415 made it easier to not have a clear-cut one in my batch. But my batch has also really helped a lot; acting-wise, confidence-wise. The entire CCA has done a lot for me - the production! the chance to have a production! - it boils down to the win some, lose some. I suppose. This is why it's hard for me to label it. So many good things, and so many bad ones.
People! People people people! Ah. I've met a ton of gorgeous people in RGS; it's hard sometimes to muster up the effort to go out and meet new people, to bother talking to new people because it feels like I already known all the awesome people I need to, and I'll be happy with them. I'm wondering how JC would manage to throw me more amazing people like the ones I already know, bah. And then I'm sad that I can't spend two more of my formative years as close to them as I did the past four/three/two, but. I didn't want to write in many people's yearbooks last Friday because if I plan to stay in contact with you, there's no need for me to write what feels like my last words, right. People asked, though, so. And I suppose it makes sense, because good intentions are only worth something the moment they're made, and what happens after that is anyone's guess, so it's a kind of safety net. It'll look pretty ten years from now the way a continuous chain of email that stops May 2010 wouldn't. I don't want to leave a lot of people, even though reality and practicality and experience tells me I probably would, and the worse thing is that a year from now, I might not even care anymore. There are times when I try hard to think about what I'll feel if someone left, and very few people actually make me feel as though I'd miss them. The thing is, various things have taught me that irreplaceable is too demanding an adjective; very few people actually are. People move on; what matters isn't that you're irreplaceable but that you don't let yourself get replaced, if you don't want to. I daresay I'll be fine (eventually) if someone close left to go somewhere else far away, but that doesn't mean I want her to. I think that choice that you make to not lose someone is far more important; like, it's not about getting over someone, but not wanting to?
New Year Resolutions and all, right, I know - but this isn't New Year, so maybe I'd have a shot. Keep in touch, yes, even if it's via LJ or something. I WILL SEND OUT RANDOM EMAILS, BE WARNED. I tend to have long email conversations with people I see in school daily, but ah. That's fun. I meant it about the random-email-me-anytime thing, in my email to 415, really, but I know most people whom I don't stay in touch with anyway aren't going to. Still.
Now, about LJ! I've kept this LJ for a pretty long time. I think I'm moving after this post, or maybe after a production-one, if I still bother. And after the one about RGS administration. This is also related to people; LJ has let me talked to a couple of people I would never have, otherwise, and wow, I'm intensely grateful for that because even in my last few months in RGS, I've been rediscovering people that I somehow managed to not speak to for the past four/three/two years but have been radiating awesome all those while. There's that easy intimacy about LJ that lets you talk to people in ways you normally wouldn't (and no, I am not talking about like, stalking bandom authors :P) and I'm glad for that.
Bandom has been another fantastic thing to come from LJ (come on, you knew I was going to say that~) and bandom has hit me like no other fandom - or maybe I just say that for all other fandoms, I don't know. But bandom is - bandom actually makes me desperately want to move to America and like, be part of it. This. Bandom is what got me started seriously on fic and being a fic writer and contributing because I wanted to be part of the community, the awesome one where people from different states and countries, even, meet and talk over LJ and then they become friends and they send parcels to each other and sometimes even meet in RL and live together and make awesome references in fic. Bandom struck me as a very intelligent, very aware and very politically conscious group of people who write well and read well, and logically I know, I know that fic isn't RL and American teenagers don't really live like that and the bandom circles I lurk isn't everything and there are tons of bandom fans out there who can't string a coherent sentence together. That really isn't the point; I read LJ posts about people who are having problems in school and find friends in their online communities and then the epic bigbang! fics of 40k, 50k, 70k words they write, and invest so much time and disciplined effort in, and if you know how, there are a lot of things to be learnt from bandom/fic. Meta posts about triggering, and the ethics of labelling fic and stagegay and I've seen posts about sci-fiction writing! and compartmentalization and RPF and political ones about 9/11, and fandom in general was what started the entire gay rights consciousness that I have now.
What also makes bandom so attractive for me is the people themselves, obviously, but more than just their (gorgeous) looks and (awesome) lyrics and (fantastic) music is that feel of Wentzdom (AHAHAHAHA). That's the vicarious exhilaration of watching them perform live, and being teenagers having fun and kids just like me (although infinitely cooler, please) and the image of them as not-unlike us, actually. Above I said how the people I know reminds me of bandom, in a faint, very non-sexual sense (I need to specify! that because um, bandom = slash, essentially!) because there's the easy intimacy and the hugs and the comfort of being friends and a lot of fic is about that. Teenagers growing up! Angst! Friends being douchey! Friends teasing each other! Funny! And of course, the romance, which is totally there because it's cathartic and I need some angst and H/C every so often that I know will be resolved by the end of the fic (unlike say, RL romances) and also because I'm a girl (: This isn't rationalization; a lot of bandom is also about hot boys making out on stage in make-up and costumes but that's not all there is to it.
Sometimes I can't tell if the feelings explored in bandom fic feel so real because they do exist in RL, and the writer captured them explicitly, or if I only feel them personally because the bandom fic I read influence my definition, even the existence of my feelings regarding things in my life?
Ah, I don't know. This chapter isn't entirely shut until RJC begins; there's still a lot of residue bits and pieces - FAM, class outing, chalets, etc. etc. This doesn't really feel like a graduation post either; I don't feel a sense of closure. I guess I'm not entirely done. Or maybe there isn't anything to close up.