You Are The Conversation, I am The Game (part 4) (fanfiction-Bleach)
Title: You Are The Conversation, I am The Game (part 4)
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing/Category: Urahara/Ichigo, and Chad/Uryuu
Rating: R
Warning: making out, talk of religion, a tiny bit of divergence from cannon
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Ichigo finally figures out what he might want and Urahara realizes what he needs to be
Author Note: beta read by rionarch so any mistakes still here are totally on me. Written for bleachbigbang
(Part 3)
Part 4
I.
There is something about the seriousness of it all that infects everything Ichigo thinks about. That question the one he’d never let himself think about, what if he wasn’t strong enough, is inescapable now. It makes him take everything seriously, the idea that he’s not infallible, that he might fail, that he might not be able to protect everyone that he might die. He’d looked death in the face more then once but he’d never thought what that would really mean to die.
Besides from actually becoming an actual Soul Reaper this time.
Ichigo rubs his forehead, God it all makes him feel tired. Because that dread he still sometimes feels in the morning when he wakes up and remembers that aside from the normal stuff he also has to saving the world from evil beyond his ability to understand. That dread has now been joined by the sick fear that he might not be strong enough to do it. It has also effectively thrown cold water on whatever it was he’d been thinking about starting with Urahara.
Ichigo chews on the pad of his thumb before he realizes what he’s doing and jerks his hand back. He wonders if the other man is mad at him for not coming to him about the whole internal hollow business, or guilty, Ichigo really hopes Urahara is not feeling guilty. He hasn’t been to the shop in a really long time, he’s kind of afraid to because he doesn’t want to face Urahara being either angry or guilty. He’s also been avoiding the other man because he’s not sure what he wants to do yet.
Last time they’d been around each other Ichigo had kind of, no more then kind of, flirted with Urahara. He hadn’t been sure at the time how far he wanted to go with it all but the flirting had felt good, the thinking about Urahara that way had felt good. Thinking of himself as being capable of thinking about other people that way had felt good. Now though he doesn’t feel like playing, he doesn’t feel like leaving that kind of shit up to chance. He really doesn’t need something else to worry about. So if he’s going to go back in there and flirt with Urahara, Ichigo decides, this time he wants to be sure. He’s not sure though, not sure about what he feels when he looks at the other man, watches Urahara fight, watches him laugh. It makes him feel almost sick, almost like he might cry just thinking about it. Yet at the same time he’s found himself, when he really should be resting, thinking about how maybe he should stop by the shop sometime soon because it’s been a while since he’s seen the other man. It has been a long time sense he’d been around to be annoyed by Urahara’s general weirdness. Ichigo isn’t going to say it out loud but he kind of misses the weirdness. Urahara can be almost charming, sometimes.
Maybe that say something right there, the fact that instead of training or sleeping he’s sitting here thinking about the other man. Wondering when he’d going to get to visit him for God sakes. On the other hand he’s still not sure how he really feels about Urahara. Ichigo falls backwards to lie on his back with a groan. He wants it to be clear, decisive, clean cut. He doesn’t want to have to guess, and worry, and over think it. He just wants to know. He’s starting to think though that it’s not going to happen.
II.
Kisuke, when he realizes Ichigo has gone missing, does not have trouble finding out where he is. When Rukia comes to him saying Ichigo hasn’t been seen or heard from in days Kisuke stamps mercilessly down on his first reaction. He does not panic, instead he uses some good logical reasoning. Last seen Ichigo was having something of a crisis about his ability to continue to grow stronger. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that the first thing the young man would do was go somewhere to train. Ichigo could be training by himself but Kisuke knows the other man isn’t stupid and it has moves far past that point. So he’d probably gone to find someone to train him. Obviously Ichigo hadn’t come to him and he hadn’t gone to Yoruichi either. So he’d gone to someone else, Kisuke just needed to figure out who.
Luckily, or unluckily depending on who you ask, Kisuke knows who every single person with Soul Reaper abilities in the entire town is, and where they live. Thus he doesn’t have to track Ichigo’s spiritual pressure, he simply picks up a phone. He calls Shinji first, both because there is a very good chance that is where Ichigo is, and also because Shinji is the first on his phone contact list besides from Tessai, and Yoruichi.
“Hey.”
Kisuke can’t help but grin, “Shinji.”
“Kisuke! What do you want?”
Shinji sounds a little preoccupied and Kisuke raises his eyebrows, “You busy?”
“No not really.” Off in the distance something breaks or possibly blows up the sound echoing strangely
“Where are you?” Kisuke frowns slightly, “Are you underground? How are you still getting reception? Are you using one of my phones, because if you are, can you tell me which one?”
“Kisuke,” Now Shinji sounds vaguely exasperated.
Kisuke pouts slightly and then decides he can probably geek out later, but really he hasn’t been able to get any of the phones to work in his training room. Well except for that one time, but it had only been for a few seconds, and he’d almost been electrocuted. True he had also been holding a conductor in the other hand, but really who knew his body conducted electricity quite that well? Maybe his gigai was defective in that sense, he should look into it.
“I’m looking for Ichigo.”
There is a short silence, “He’s here.”
“Oh, good.” This time the silence is awkward and Kisuke rubs the back of his neck. He wonders if Shinji is going to go off on him for letting Ichigo get into this mess in the first place. A small part of his mind tells him rather matter-a-factly that he should have carried through on his promise to Ichigo and killed him as soon the hollowfication process had started. He shuts his eyes briefly, “I’m glad.” Because it’s not like there is anything I can do in this situation, I’m worse then useless when it comes to this.
He suddenly feels very tired; he shakes his head sharply to dispense with the self-pity. “Well keep me informed about his progress. He’s a handful.”
“I’ve noticed.” There’s another crash off in the distance. Kisuke pulls the phone away from his ear a little and winces in sympathy. “He doesn’t give up though.”
“No.” Kisuke thinks about Ichigo training, Ichigo fighting, Ichigo arguing with Rukia or chasing Jinta around the shop. He shakes his head, “Tell me when he’s ready.” Then more softly, “Take care of him.”
“Kisuke-” There is a slightly warning to Shinji’s voice, “Don’t . . . don’t get too attached, he’s young and he doesn’t know what he wants.” Shinji breaks off and Kisuke wonders if he’s really that transparent and if so how many other people have noticed, “plus you’re pathetic when you pine.”
Kisuke rolls his eyes, “Gee thanks.” He can’t see it but he knows on the other hand Shinji is grinning, Kisuke allows himself to smirk as well before becoming serious again, “I mean it.”
“I know. Talk to you later Kisuke.”
The line clicks off and Kisuke stares at the phone before sighing again and runs his fingers through his hair. He shouldn’t worry about Ichigo he’s tough and Kisuke have other things, better things, to worry about.
III.
Uryuu opened his eyes and for a moment all he can see is white. He blinked, then realized he’s staring at a ceiling, a perfectly white ceiling. He moved his head a little to see the light on the monitors blinking beside him. The hospital then, Uryuu sighed and closes his eyes. He wonders idly why he’s still alive. Why would his father bother to save his life after he’d obviously failed yet again?
He can’t move and everything hurts. He wondered how long he’s been here, and on top of that how long had he been in that room with his father? He thought hazily that Chad must be frantic; he should have left him some of note of explanation. Guilt washes over him and he slowly, painfully turns his head, and realizes there is a small window on the other side of the room. It’s raining out, and unlike Ichigo Uryuu’s always liked the rain, always liked the way it makes everything seem indistinct around the edges, sounds muted, everything almost softer. There is no comfort in it now though, not here trapped behind sterilized walls, with harshly bright florescent lights glaring down on him. There is no comfort here in his father’s world, where he can’t move, can’t fight, can’t contact Chad and has been forbidden from contacting Ichigo. He wondered again bitterly in what kind of world his father is given Quincy power when his whole life has been nothing but a strike against the Quincy faith. Quincy’s are supposed to protect the weak, and those that they love, they are supposed to reach out to those in need and up whole righteousness in a dark world. His father has never believed in those things, has always openly scorned them, and Uryuu has tried, has tried all his life to understand how he might live that life, how he might make those ideals true in the world he found himself in. Yet his father had been blessed with power and he has not.
His head hurt, his neck ached from the simple action of turning his head on the pillow. Uryuu wished Chad is there, wishes he could at least here the other man’s voice, explain, or at least try to explain why he’d done it. I need to be strong, so I can do what I need to do in this life, so I can protect those in need, so you don’t worry so much. So you don’t have to sacrifice everything. I need to be strong. Uryuu didn’t cry of course, but he did close his eyes tightly, blocking out the overly, bright, clean whiteness of it all. He takes a deep painful breath and prays for himself, for Chad, for all of them, that when the times comes they will be ready.
He must have fallen asleep while praying because next time he regained consciousness it’s dark out and his whole body felt like it’s on fire. He cried out in pain, without realizing he was doing it. He must have kept doing it because eventually he became aware of something making soothing noises and a hand on his head. For one heart stopping moment he thinks it’s Chad but then the face of a nurse swims into view and Uryuu has to hold himself from flinching away from her. Things start going cloudy again, getting dim around the edges and Uryuu thinks hazily she must have given him something. Then everything goes completely dark again.
When he makes up it’s stopped raining, but there is still no one there, nothing but the blank white walls and the machines. Uryuu found he can move his fingers a little, enough to pick at the white blanket tucked around him, and watched the little patch of sky outside his window and wonders where Chad and Ichigo and all the rest of them are, if they know where he is, if they are worried. He likes to think they care enough to be worried, no, he knows Chad cares enough to be worried. Where are you? he wonders before he drifts off again.
The next time he regained consciousness someone was holding his hand. He tried to jerk it away before he awoke fully thinking that it’s one of the nurses and then stilled. The hand that is holding his enveloped it completely with a little room left over and Uryuu pries his eyes open to see Chad looking down at him.
“I’m sorry.” The bigger man shifts a little bit in his seat, “It took me a while to find you.”
“No.” Uryuu shook his head a little, “I’m glad you here.” He slowly reaches out and covered Chad’s hand with his own, clutching at him.
“Hey.” Chad reached out and stroked back Uryuu’s hair with his free hand, “You ok?”
“No.” Uryuu shakes his head a little “But I will be.” He squeezed the other man’s hand a little, “Where have you been?”
Chad looked vaguely guilty at that, “Training.”
“Yeah.” Uryuu smiled trying to let him know he doesn’t need to feel guilty, “So have I.”
“Who did this?” Chad looked him over mouth turning down a little, and Uryuu tried to shrug.
“My father, it’s not as bad as it seems.”
“Your father did this.” Chad voice is as always quiet but it has dangerous edge to it now.
“He is something of a bastard.” Uryuu plucked at his blankets again and frowns, “Have you seen my glasses?”
Chad hands them to him without a word. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Chad shifts again squeezing Uryuu’s hand a little, “I’m going to ask a nurse when you can be released and then take you back to your apartment. I don’t want your father anywhere near you anymore.”
Uryuu only nods a little sleepily eyes drifting shut. “I missed you.”
He felt Chad let his hand go and get to his feet. After a moment Chad gently removed his glasses and then kisses him on the forehead, “I missed you too.”
“I’m sorry.” Uryuu says although what he’s sorry about he wouldn’t be able to say as he drifted back to sleep.
V.
He trusts Shinji he really does but it’s been almost a month. Kisuke isn’t going to say he missed Ichigo, but there it is. Despite having both Renji and Chad underfoot almost twenty-four/seven it’s still been a lonely most of a month and that probably says something extremely sad about his life right there. He’s spent the entire trip over telling himself he should not miss Ichigo, the kid is annoying and just that, a kid. He sighed to himself and stepped through the barrier before politely banging hard on the warehouse door. It wouldn’t do to just barge into someone else’s space after all.
After a few minutes Love open the door, giving him a nod, “Kisuke, what can I do for you?”
“I want to see Ichigo.” Kisuke doesn’t stand on formality. He’s great with the Visard over the phone but face to face after all these years it’s like no one quiet knows what to do with each other. Sometimes the inhabitance of the shop and the Visard don’t speak to each other for decades only to get back together throw a huge party and all get drunk. Nothing in Kisuke’s life is quite like getting completely plastered and crying on Shinji’s shoulder while the taller blond strokes his hair and tells him it’s going to be all right. At which point Kisuke usually tries to punch him, lightly and without any accuracy, and tells Shinji that’s his line. Kisuke never quite knows what to do with the whole experience afterwards. It’s like the biggest, most dysfunctional family of all time, but most significantly it’s a little too much like being back in the Soul Society for anyone’s taste.
“Sure.” Love crossed his arms over his chest, “Just as soon as he gets a break.”
Kisuke sighed and walked over to the couch that’s sitting awkwardly in the middle of the empty warehouse. He pokes it and then sits down, this probably going to take a while.
“So you’re here to see Ichigo.”
Kisuke looked up from one of Lisa’s manga he’d found stuffed between the cushions of the couch. “Yep.”
Shinji shook his head a little, leaning against the back of the couch, just close enough that his arms brushed against Kisuke’s shoulder, “This may be a mistake, Kisuke.”
The younger man sighed, “I know, I know, but . . .”
“But?” Shinji’s tone is almost taunting, then he sighed, rubbing one hand against his face, “He’s strong Kisuke and I’m not saying that’s a good thing. We’re all going to have to rely on him, he could be the one we’ve all be waiting for and all that.”
“So he’s going to need someone. Someone he can rely on.” Kisuke said stubbornly and realized suddenly that he’s ok with that, if that is what Ichigo needed him to be that’s what he’ll be. Plans and scheming aside, he’s willing to be whatever the younger man needs. That’s such a change from a few months ago when he wasn’t even sure he was really attracted to Ichigo beyond the vague amusement at being the other man’s crush. It startled him and frightened him and made him feel vaguely nauseous.
“Fine.” Shinji pushed himself away from the couch, “but don’t come crying to me when you get your heart broken.”
They both turned a little when the training room trap door opened and Ichigo pulled himself out.
“Kisuke.”
“Hey.” He smiled weakly and Ichigo frowned.
“What’s going on, did something happen?”
“No, no.” Kisuke shook his head, “I just came to see how you were doing.”
“Oh.” Ichigo looked at the floor, “Fine, I guess.”
Shinji glances between the two of them arms folded across his chest, “I’ll just leave you too alone then.”
He ignored Kisuke slightly venomous look and walks out. Kisuke pat the seat next to him on the couch and doesn’t miss that Ichigo blushes a little, “Come on, sit down, tell me how you’ve been.” Overly chipper is always the best way to deal with Ichigo. Ichigo’s face settled into an annoyed frown which in Kisuke’s mind is far superior to Ichigo’s tortured, angsty frown. The younger man sat next to him, propping Zangetsu next to them account the arm of the couch. “how’s training?” Kisuke asked and Ichigo shifted around.
“Ok. I guess.”
“Good.”
“And how is everyone else?” Ichigo asked and Kisuke shrugged.
“Chad’s training is going alright. The other Soul Reapers are holding down the fort as we say.”
Ichigo nods trapping his hands between his knees, “And how are you?”
“Oh I’m fine.” Kisuke fidgeted with his fan. He hated this; the need to reach out and touch the other man is almost unbearable. When had this happened to him?
“Kisuke.” Kisuke looked over at the other man but Ichigo is looking at the ground, “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Yeah, sure.” Kisuke watches him questioningly fan held in midair.
“If something happens to me . . .” Ichigo bit his lip for a moment and then seemed to shake it off. “Take care of my sisters.”
“What about your dad.” Kisuke said as gently as possible and Ichigo rolls his eyes.
“I need someone who can really take care of them, you know, someone I trust.” Ichigo is blushing again and still not looking at him, “Please Kisuke.”
Kisuke stared at him for a long moment before slowly nodding, “I’ll try.”
Ichigo actually smiles, a real honest, smile, “Thanks.”
They sit in silence for a moment, a somber mood settling around them.
“I’m sorry.” Kisuke finally blurts out and Ichigo turned to look at him, “For all this.” Kisuke waved his hand around the warehouse. “I should have stopped it, I should have never let you hollowfy in the first place. I’m sorry Ichigo.”
“No.” Ichigo shook his head sharply, “No, It’s ok. Hell.” He laughs a little and rubbed the back of his neck, “I should be flattered, you believed I could become a Soul Reaper right up until the bitter end, past the point you probably should have.” He turned a little bit in his seat; so close their knees brush, “If anything I should be grateful.”
“No.” Its Kisuke’s turn to shake his head; “I’ve never done anything right when it came to you.”
Then Ichigo is kissing him. It takes him a moment for his stunned brain to catch up with what is happening. That Ichigo’s hands have clamped around his jaw, that Ichigo’s lips are soft against his own, that the other man is way too close. It seems to have come out of nowhere and like they’ve both been waiting for far too long. Ichigo pulls away while Kisuke still has his hands in midair unsure what to do with them.
“Ichigo-”
“Sorry.” Ichigo mutters, not looking at Kisuke, not letting go of the front of his shirt either, face beet red. “It’s just that, I hate hearing you talk about yourself like that, when you’ve been one of the only people who’s always had my back, and yeah you sometimes don’t tell me the whole truth but then who does?-” His little rant is interrupted when Kisuke pulled him forward and kissed him in turn. Honestly if he’d been questioned on it, he couldn’t say why he did it only that Ichigo had done it first and he couldn’t bear sitting there doing nothing while Ichigo told him how important he was. Suddenly Ichigo’s moving without breaking the kiss and next thing Kisuke knew Ichigo is straddling his lap, fists bunched in his shirt, tongue pressed against Kisuke lips. Kisuke opened his mouth a little out of shock more then anything else. Next thing he knew Ichigo is licking the inside of Kisuke’s mouth like he’s hoping to find chocolate there and everything is just so far out of his control he doesn’t even know where to look for his damned self restraint. Kisuke pushed Ichigo off his lap onto the couch right after they break the kiss. Not before Ichigo had decided to shove his hand into Kisuke shirt and molest his chest though, making Kisuke feel like his entire body is burning and aching with pure need. My God, he needs to get laid more often before Isshin kills him.
“That’s enough Ichigo.” Ichigo just stared at him panting, with his lips wet and red and swollen and Kisuke closed his eyes and toke several deep breaths. “I really don’t want Hiyori to walk in on us.” He says trying to keep his voice light, “And you need to train and I need to get back to the shop before Renji gets into too much trouble.” He stood up and straightened his clothes, Ichigo still hadn’t said anything, is still watching him and Kisuke see the fear, hurt and betrayal in his eyes and it almost break his heart. “When you’re done training,” he tells the younger man softly, “Come find me, and this can be whatever you want.” He bendt down and kissed Ichigo gently on the cheek. Ichigo tried to make a grab for him but Kisuke pulled away waving cheerily and striding towards the door without looking back.
VI.
Even at night Chad practices. He’s not sure why, not sure he can even explain it to himself. He just knows, deep in his bones he knows, he needs to be strong, he needs to be strong now. The training helps, Renji and Urahara help. He doesn’t think about it really, just concentrates on getting the job down. He still fights defensively and it’s his greatest weakness that he always waits for Renji to attack him before reacting to Renji’s moves. Everyone keeps telling him with his sheer physical strength he should be attacking first, ending the fight fast before his opponent has time to summon his own attacks. He can’t quite make himself though. The pendant from his grandfather hangs heavily around his neck these days. A Reminder of what he cannot be at these moment and what he might never be again.
In the old days when Buddhist monasteries were burned and pillaged, monks would sometimes take up arms to defend them. Over time they developed into groups and would travel the countryside defending through force Buddhist people and monasteries. They did not delude themselves through, they knew they were not living righteous lives, they knew they would not reach perfection that way, but they believed their sacrifice was worth it. They made that choice so others did not have to.
Chad does not know if their choice was right or not, does not really know how he feels about his own choice, only that he never wants to go back to feeling useless again. Not when he has people to protect.
“Hey.” He looks up from his living room where he’s been going through at least the physical motions of a fight without any actually force. Uryuu stands in the doorway looking much better, looking almost healed. “Chad?” The bigger man went to him and gathered him up in a hug and Uryuu lets him, even put his hands lightly on Chad’s waist. “Are you coming to bed anytime soon?”
“Yeah.” Chad kissed the smaller man’s cheek, wondered what it would be like to live with him in a world where they don’t have to fight. He holds the other man a little closer.
“I have my powers back.” Uryuu’s shifts a little in his hold, sounding almost guilty. Chad pulls away a little.
“How?”
“When my father shot me, turns out he wasn’t a lying bastard at least, just a bastard. I can form a bow now, and I feel strong . . . stronger then before.” Uryuu looked up at him and Chad thinks the other man should be ecstatic. Being a Quincy is so much a part of who Uryuu is and Chad hated watching the way he suffered with that part of him removed. Yet Uryuu doesn’t look euphoric, he doesn’t even look happy.
“You know you don’t have to worry about me so much.” Uryuu abruptly pulled back from their embrace, turning away from Chad, adjusting his glasses. “I have my powers back I can look after myself.”
“I didn’t worry about you because you didn’t have your powers.” If anything Chad knows he’ll worry more. A powerful Uryuu means more reason for the other man to throw himself into harms way. “I worried because I care about you.” He puts his arms around the smaller man’s body and pulls him close again. “I care about you.” He repeats because Uryuu’s father doesn’t think twice about shooting him through the chest when Uryuu is completely vulnerable and Chad figures he probably hasn’t heard it enough.
Uryuu presses his face against Chad’s shoulder for a long moment. “I don’t want you to do anything your going to regret because of me.” It comes out in a long rush and Chad pulls back looking down at the other man.
“What?”
Uryuu isn’t looking at him again. “Don’t sacrifice your beliefs for me.” It comes out a lot more hostile and demanding then Chad knows Uryuu means.
“Uryuu.” He grasps the other man’s shoulders firmly, “The decisions that I make are my own. I’m not doing this only because of you. You not having your powers, it had nothing to do with it.”
Uryuu finally looks up at him and Chad can see the guilt that’s been lurking the back of his eyes for months and finally knows what that means. He pulls the smaller man close, buries his face in Uryuu’s dark hair. They stand like that quietly for a long moment.
“Lets go to bed.”
Uryuu pushes his glasses back up his knows and then nods, taking Chad’s hand. “Yes.”
VII.
Orihime is gone, and it’s all his fault. His fault for not being strong enough, his fault for not being fast enough, for not realizing, for not being there for her. All his fault, always his fault. He settles on this like a weight and when Tatsuki punches him he’s almost grateful. After all he deserves it.
The Soul Reapers are gone, back to the Soul Society, all of them, even Renji, even Rukia, it beaks his heart a little bit because they were supposed to be his friends. The ones he trusts. Under the circumstances he does the only thing he can think of and goes to find Kisuke. Kisuke of course is waiting for him, already knowing every detail of what’s going on. Usually that would annoy the hell out of the other man but right now he’s just grateful he’s not going to have to go over it again. Not in front of Kisuke, he doesn’t want to admit he’s gotten it wrong. All wrong he thinks looking up into the other man’s soft gray eyes.
They’re half way through the shop bound for the training room when Ichigo reached out and grabbed the other man’s arm. He has no illusions about what he’s walking into, knows he probably won’t be walking out, he’s never fought an Arrancar and won after all. He needs to have this talk now because there might not be an afterwards. Not this time.
“Kisuke.” The other man turned to look at him and Ichigo wished he wasn’t in half darkness he wants to see Kisuke for this. “You said when I was done training this could be anything I wanted it to be.” He swallows nervously then tells himself to deal with it, it’s now or never after all. “Well now I’m telling you what I want.” He meets the other man’s eyes squarely, be right about this moron because you’re not going to get to back out later, if there is a later. He leans forward and kisses Kisuke, taking off that stupid hat and tossing it on the floor. He ran his fingers through the other man’s blond hair pulling him close making Kisuke make a deliciously little noise into his mouth when he tugs on it. Oh yeah, this was good idea. They pull back and Ichigo licks his lips, “I want you to take care of my family while I’m away.” He says firmly, then reaches out, slips his arms around Kisuke waist. “I want you to be here when I get back, so no running off and getting yourself killed.” He takes a breath, knows what he’s going to say next is going to be kind of cheesy but he can’t think of any other way to put it. “ever since I became a Soul Reaper, you’ve always just been there, and that’s what I need, I need for you to be hear, be hear when I get back, be yourself, just-” He trails off not sure where he’s going with this but Kisuke must understand because he nods reaches out wraps his arms around Ichigo’s shoulders loosely.
“You’re solid ground.” Kisuke says softly totally serious despite the sentimentality, “ I can do that.”
Ichigo feels so very relieved, he tips his head back and kisses the other man again, rubs the back of his neck, and damn it, if he’s going to die he really wishes he isn’t going to die a virgin but they don’t have time right now. “Oh and when I get back I want us- you do stuff.” He can feels his face turning red and he’s always hated talking about this kind of thing always hated when other people talked about it. If he’s coming back though he want to be completely clear about this. “Like sex and stuff . . . stuff like that, you got it?”
Kisuke is smiling now, no grinning, and Ichigo frowns.
“If that’s what you want, and you’re sure.” Kisuke says and Ichigo looks down and pulls the other man a little closer before letting go and stepping back.
“Good.” He bites his lip, “as long as we’re clear.”
Kisuke picks up his hat and settles it back on his head before leading the way to the training room door. He keys it open and then Suddenly Ichigo finds himself being pressed up against the nearest wall. Kisuke’s hands are one his shoulders holding him in place and the older man’s body is pressed impossible close and they are kissing. Kisuke kisses him with a passion Ichigo has never seen from the other man, hot and wet and urgent, his tongue roams, maps and dominates Ichigo’s mouth. His leg pressed between Ichigo, presses their bodies even closer. When Kisuke pulls away they are both panting, and a little dazed.
“Come back alive.” Given the aggressiveness of Kisuke’s actions it should be a demand but instead it comes out as more of a plea and Ichigo licks his lips and nods.
“I promise.”
They both step back, and smooth their clothes down. Ichigo squares his shoulders and Kisuke is suddenly unreadable again, shielded behind layers and layers of inscrutability. They turn towards the training room door way again, and Ichigo takes a breath. Then they both are stepping into the light.
VIII.
Kisuke sat at the table in the shop and drank tea. He doesn’t think about Ichigo, that hurts too much, doesn’t think about Azien either, or the war, or the Soul Reapers or Vizards. Instead he thought about honor and about duty about how for so long he’d felt as if those things had been taken away from him when he’d fled the Soul Society. He thought about what Ichigo had asked him before leaving.
Be my solid ground.
Something real, something solid, something worth coming back to. Maybe that is a different kind of duty; a different way of understanding what a Soul Reaper’s job is all about. Maybe it’s good enough, maybe it never will be. Or maybe these things aren’t carved in stone, but are meant to be changed.
Kisuke smiles a little to himself and picked back up his tea. He liked the last option best.
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing/Category: Urahara/Ichigo, and Chad/Uryuu
Rating: R
Warning: making out, talk of religion, a tiny bit of divergence from cannon
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Ichigo finally figures out what he might want and Urahara realizes what he needs to be
Author Note: beta read by rionarch so any mistakes still here are totally on me. Written for bleachbigbang
(Part 3)
Part 4
I.
There is something about the seriousness of it all that infects everything Ichigo thinks about. That question the one he’d never let himself think about, what if he wasn’t strong enough, is inescapable now. It makes him take everything seriously, the idea that he’s not infallible, that he might fail, that he might not be able to protect everyone that he might die. He’d looked death in the face more then once but he’d never thought what that would really mean to die.
Besides from actually becoming an actual Soul Reaper this time.
Ichigo rubs his forehead, God it all makes him feel tired. Because that dread he still sometimes feels in the morning when he wakes up and remembers that aside from the normal stuff he also has to saving the world from evil beyond his ability to understand. That dread has now been joined by the sick fear that he might not be strong enough to do it. It has also effectively thrown cold water on whatever it was he’d been thinking about starting with Urahara.
Ichigo chews on the pad of his thumb before he realizes what he’s doing and jerks his hand back. He wonders if the other man is mad at him for not coming to him about the whole internal hollow business, or guilty, Ichigo really hopes Urahara is not feeling guilty. He hasn’t been to the shop in a really long time, he’s kind of afraid to because he doesn’t want to face Urahara being either angry or guilty. He’s also been avoiding the other man because he’s not sure what he wants to do yet.
Last time they’d been around each other Ichigo had kind of, no more then kind of, flirted with Urahara. He hadn’t been sure at the time how far he wanted to go with it all but the flirting had felt good, the thinking about Urahara that way had felt good. Thinking of himself as being capable of thinking about other people that way had felt good. Now though he doesn’t feel like playing, he doesn’t feel like leaving that kind of shit up to chance. He really doesn’t need something else to worry about. So if he’s going to go back in there and flirt with Urahara, Ichigo decides, this time he wants to be sure. He’s not sure though, not sure about what he feels when he looks at the other man, watches Urahara fight, watches him laugh. It makes him feel almost sick, almost like he might cry just thinking about it. Yet at the same time he’s found himself, when he really should be resting, thinking about how maybe he should stop by the shop sometime soon because it’s been a while since he’s seen the other man. It has been a long time sense he’d been around to be annoyed by Urahara’s general weirdness. Ichigo isn’t going to say it out loud but he kind of misses the weirdness. Urahara can be almost charming, sometimes.
Maybe that say something right there, the fact that instead of training or sleeping he’s sitting here thinking about the other man. Wondering when he’d going to get to visit him for God sakes. On the other hand he’s still not sure how he really feels about Urahara. Ichigo falls backwards to lie on his back with a groan. He wants it to be clear, decisive, clean cut. He doesn’t want to have to guess, and worry, and over think it. He just wants to know. He’s starting to think though that it’s not going to happen.
II.
Kisuke, when he realizes Ichigo has gone missing, does not have trouble finding out where he is. When Rukia comes to him saying Ichigo hasn’t been seen or heard from in days Kisuke stamps mercilessly down on his first reaction. He does not panic, instead he uses some good logical reasoning. Last seen Ichigo was having something of a crisis about his ability to continue to grow stronger. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that the first thing the young man would do was go somewhere to train. Ichigo could be training by himself but Kisuke knows the other man isn’t stupid and it has moves far past that point. So he’d probably gone to find someone to train him. Obviously Ichigo hadn’t come to him and he hadn’t gone to Yoruichi either. So he’d gone to someone else, Kisuke just needed to figure out who.
Luckily, or unluckily depending on who you ask, Kisuke knows who every single person with Soul Reaper abilities in the entire town is, and where they live. Thus he doesn’t have to track Ichigo’s spiritual pressure, he simply picks up a phone. He calls Shinji first, both because there is a very good chance that is where Ichigo is, and also because Shinji is the first on his phone contact list besides from Tessai, and Yoruichi.
“Hey.”
Kisuke can’t help but grin, “Shinji.”
“Kisuke! What do you want?”
Shinji sounds a little preoccupied and Kisuke raises his eyebrows, “You busy?”
“No not really.” Off in the distance something breaks or possibly blows up the sound echoing strangely
“Where are you?” Kisuke frowns slightly, “Are you underground? How are you still getting reception? Are you using one of my phones, because if you are, can you tell me which one?”
“Kisuke,” Now Shinji sounds vaguely exasperated.
Kisuke pouts slightly and then decides he can probably geek out later, but really he hasn’t been able to get any of the phones to work in his training room. Well except for that one time, but it had only been for a few seconds, and he’d almost been electrocuted. True he had also been holding a conductor in the other hand, but really who knew his body conducted electricity quite that well? Maybe his gigai was defective in that sense, he should look into it.
“I’m looking for Ichigo.”
There is a short silence, “He’s here.”
“Oh, good.” This time the silence is awkward and Kisuke rubs the back of his neck. He wonders if Shinji is going to go off on him for letting Ichigo get into this mess in the first place. A small part of his mind tells him rather matter-a-factly that he should have carried through on his promise to Ichigo and killed him as soon the hollowfication process had started. He shuts his eyes briefly, “I’m glad.” Because it’s not like there is anything I can do in this situation, I’m worse then useless when it comes to this.
He suddenly feels very tired; he shakes his head sharply to dispense with the self-pity. “Well keep me informed about his progress. He’s a handful.”
“I’ve noticed.” There’s another crash off in the distance. Kisuke pulls the phone away from his ear a little and winces in sympathy. “He doesn’t give up though.”
“No.” Kisuke thinks about Ichigo training, Ichigo fighting, Ichigo arguing with Rukia or chasing Jinta around the shop. He shakes his head, “Tell me when he’s ready.” Then more softly, “Take care of him.”
“Kisuke-” There is a slightly warning to Shinji’s voice, “Don’t . . . don’t get too attached, he’s young and he doesn’t know what he wants.” Shinji breaks off and Kisuke wonders if he’s really that transparent and if so how many other people have noticed, “plus you’re pathetic when you pine.”
Kisuke rolls his eyes, “Gee thanks.” He can’t see it but he knows on the other hand Shinji is grinning, Kisuke allows himself to smirk as well before becoming serious again, “I mean it.”
“I know. Talk to you later Kisuke.”
The line clicks off and Kisuke stares at the phone before sighing again and runs his fingers through his hair. He shouldn’t worry about Ichigo he’s tough and Kisuke have other things, better things, to worry about.
III.
Uryuu opened his eyes and for a moment all he can see is white. He blinked, then realized he’s staring at a ceiling, a perfectly white ceiling. He moved his head a little to see the light on the monitors blinking beside him. The hospital then, Uryuu sighed and closes his eyes. He wonders idly why he’s still alive. Why would his father bother to save his life after he’d obviously failed yet again?
He can’t move and everything hurts. He wondered how long he’s been here, and on top of that how long had he been in that room with his father? He thought hazily that Chad must be frantic; he should have left him some of note of explanation. Guilt washes over him and he slowly, painfully turns his head, and realizes there is a small window on the other side of the room. It’s raining out, and unlike Ichigo Uryuu’s always liked the rain, always liked the way it makes everything seem indistinct around the edges, sounds muted, everything almost softer. There is no comfort in it now though, not here trapped behind sterilized walls, with harshly bright florescent lights glaring down on him. There is no comfort here in his father’s world, where he can’t move, can’t fight, can’t contact Chad and has been forbidden from contacting Ichigo. He wondered again bitterly in what kind of world his father is given Quincy power when his whole life has been nothing but a strike against the Quincy faith. Quincy’s are supposed to protect the weak, and those that they love, they are supposed to reach out to those in need and up whole righteousness in a dark world. His father has never believed in those things, has always openly scorned them, and Uryuu has tried, has tried all his life to understand how he might live that life, how he might make those ideals true in the world he found himself in. Yet his father had been blessed with power and he has not.
His head hurt, his neck ached from the simple action of turning his head on the pillow. Uryuu wished Chad is there, wishes he could at least here the other man’s voice, explain, or at least try to explain why he’d done it. I need to be strong, so I can do what I need to do in this life, so I can protect those in need, so you don’t worry so much. So you don’t have to sacrifice everything. I need to be strong. Uryuu didn’t cry of course, but he did close his eyes tightly, blocking out the overly, bright, clean whiteness of it all. He takes a deep painful breath and prays for himself, for Chad, for all of them, that when the times comes they will be ready.
He must have fallen asleep while praying because next time he regained consciousness it’s dark out and his whole body felt like it’s on fire. He cried out in pain, without realizing he was doing it. He must have kept doing it because eventually he became aware of something making soothing noises and a hand on his head. For one heart stopping moment he thinks it’s Chad but then the face of a nurse swims into view and Uryuu has to hold himself from flinching away from her. Things start going cloudy again, getting dim around the edges and Uryuu thinks hazily she must have given him something. Then everything goes completely dark again.
When he makes up it’s stopped raining, but there is still no one there, nothing but the blank white walls and the machines. Uryuu found he can move his fingers a little, enough to pick at the white blanket tucked around him, and watched the little patch of sky outside his window and wonders where Chad and Ichigo and all the rest of them are, if they know where he is, if they are worried. He likes to think they care enough to be worried, no, he knows Chad cares enough to be worried. Where are you? he wonders before he drifts off again.
The next time he regained consciousness someone was holding his hand. He tried to jerk it away before he awoke fully thinking that it’s one of the nurses and then stilled. The hand that is holding his enveloped it completely with a little room left over and Uryuu pries his eyes open to see Chad looking down at him.
“I’m sorry.” The bigger man shifts a little bit in his seat, “It took me a while to find you.”
“No.” Uryuu shook his head a little, “I’m glad you here.” He slowly reaches out and covered Chad’s hand with his own, clutching at him.
“Hey.” Chad reached out and stroked back Uryuu’s hair with his free hand, “You ok?”
“No.” Uryuu shakes his head a little “But I will be.” He squeezed the other man’s hand a little, “Where have you been?”
Chad looked vaguely guilty at that, “Training.”
“Yeah.” Uryuu smiled trying to let him know he doesn’t need to feel guilty, “So have I.”
“Who did this?” Chad looked him over mouth turning down a little, and Uryuu tried to shrug.
“My father, it’s not as bad as it seems.”
“Your father did this.” Chad voice is as always quiet but it has dangerous edge to it now.
“He is something of a bastard.” Uryuu plucked at his blankets again and frowns, “Have you seen my glasses?”
Chad hands them to him without a word. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Chad shifts again squeezing Uryuu’s hand a little, “I’m going to ask a nurse when you can be released and then take you back to your apartment. I don’t want your father anywhere near you anymore.”
Uryuu only nods a little sleepily eyes drifting shut. “I missed you.”
He felt Chad let his hand go and get to his feet. After a moment Chad gently removed his glasses and then kisses him on the forehead, “I missed you too.”
“I’m sorry.” Uryuu says although what he’s sorry about he wouldn’t be able to say as he drifted back to sleep.
V.
He trusts Shinji he really does but it’s been almost a month. Kisuke isn’t going to say he missed Ichigo, but there it is. Despite having both Renji and Chad underfoot almost twenty-four/seven it’s still been a lonely most of a month and that probably says something extremely sad about his life right there. He’s spent the entire trip over telling himself he should not miss Ichigo, the kid is annoying and just that, a kid. He sighed to himself and stepped through the barrier before politely banging hard on the warehouse door. It wouldn’t do to just barge into someone else’s space after all.
After a few minutes Love open the door, giving him a nod, “Kisuke, what can I do for you?”
“I want to see Ichigo.” Kisuke doesn’t stand on formality. He’s great with the Visard over the phone but face to face after all these years it’s like no one quiet knows what to do with each other. Sometimes the inhabitance of the shop and the Visard don’t speak to each other for decades only to get back together throw a huge party and all get drunk. Nothing in Kisuke’s life is quite like getting completely plastered and crying on Shinji’s shoulder while the taller blond strokes his hair and tells him it’s going to be all right. At which point Kisuke usually tries to punch him, lightly and without any accuracy, and tells Shinji that’s his line. Kisuke never quite knows what to do with the whole experience afterwards. It’s like the biggest, most dysfunctional family of all time, but most significantly it’s a little too much like being back in the Soul Society for anyone’s taste.
“Sure.” Love crossed his arms over his chest, “Just as soon as he gets a break.”
Kisuke sighed and walked over to the couch that’s sitting awkwardly in the middle of the empty warehouse. He pokes it and then sits down, this probably going to take a while.
“So you’re here to see Ichigo.”
Kisuke looked up from one of Lisa’s manga he’d found stuffed between the cushions of the couch. “Yep.”
Shinji shook his head a little, leaning against the back of the couch, just close enough that his arms brushed against Kisuke’s shoulder, “This may be a mistake, Kisuke.”
The younger man sighed, “I know, I know, but . . .”
“But?” Shinji’s tone is almost taunting, then he sighed, rubbing one hand against his face, “He’s strong Kisuke and I’m not saying that’s a good thing. We’re all going to have to rely on him, he could be the one we’ve all be waiting for and all that.”
“So he’s going to need someone. Someone he can rely on.” Kisuke said stubbornly and realized suddenly that he’s ok with that, if that is what Ichigo needed him to be that’s what he’ll be. Plans and scheming aside, he’s willing to be whatever the younger man needs. That’s such a change from a few months ago when he wasn’t even sure he was really attracted to Ichigo beyond the vague amusement at being the other man’s crush. It startled him and frightened him and made him feel vaguely nauseous.
“Fine.” Shinji pushed himself away from the couch, “but don’t come crying to me when you get your heart broken.”
They both turned a little when the training room trap door opened and Ichigo pulled himself out.
“Kisuke.”
“Hey.” He smiled weakly and Ichigo frowned.
“What’s going on, did something happen?”
“No, no.” Kisuke shook his head, “I just came to see how you were doing.”
“Oh.” Ichigo looked at the floor, “Fine, I guess.”
Shinji glances between the two of them arms folded across his chest, “I’ll just leave you too alone then.”
He ignored Kisuke slightly venomous look and walks out. Kisuke pat the seat next to him on the couch and doesn’t miss that Ichigo blushes a little, “Come on, sit down, tell me how you’ve been.” Overly chipper is always the best way to deal with Ichigo. Ichigo’s face settled into an annoyed frown which in Kisuke’s mind is far superior to Ichigo’s tortured, angsty frown. The younger man sat next to him, propping Zangetsu next to them account the arm of the couch. “how’s training?” Kisuke asked and Ichigo shifted around.
“Ok. I guess.”
“Good.”
“And how is everyone else?” Ichigo asked and Kisuke shrugged.
“Chad’s training is going alright. The other Soul Reapers are holding down the fort as we say.”
Ichigo nods trapping his hands between his knees, “And how are you?”
“Oh I’m fine.” Kisuke fidgeted with his fan. He hated this; the need to reach out and touch the other man is almost unbearable. When had this happened to him?
“Kisuke.” Kisuke looked over at the other man but Ichigo is looking at the ground, “Can I ask you a favor?”
“Yeah, sure.” Kisuke watches him questioningly fan held in midair.
“If something happens to me . . .” Ichigo bit his lip for a moment and then seemed to shake it off. “Take care of my sisters.”
“What about your dad.” Kisuke said as gently as possible and Ichigo rolls his eyes.
“I need someone who can really take care of them, you know, someone I trust.” Ichigo is blushing again and still not looking at him, “Please Kisuke.”
Kisuke stared at him for a long moment before slowly nodding, “I’ll try.”
Ichigo actually smiles, a real honest, smile, “Thanks.”
They sit in silence for a moment, a somber mood settling around them.
“I’m sorry.” Kisuke finally blurts out and Ichigo turned to look at him, “For all this.” Kisuke waved his hand around the warehouse. “I should have stopped it, I should have never let you hollowfy in the first place. I’m sorry Ichigo.”
“No.” Ichigo shook his head sharply, “No, It’s ok. Hell.” He laughs a little and rubbed the back of his neck, “I should be flattered, you believed I could become a Soul Reaper right up until the bitter end, past the point you probably should have.” He turned a little bit in his seat; so close their knees brush, “If anything I should be grateful.”
“No.” Its Kisuke’s turn to shake his head; “I’ve never done anything right when it came to you.”
Then Ichigo is kissing him. It takes him a moment for his stunned brain to catch up with what is happening. That Ichigo’s hands have clamped around his jaw, that Ichigo’s lips are soft against his own, that the other man is way too close. It seems to have come out of nowhere and like they’ve both been waiting for far too long. Ichigo pulls away while Kisuke still has his hands in midair unsure what to do with them.
“Ichigo-”
“Sorry.” Ichigo mutters, not looking at Kisuke, not letting go of the front of his shirt either, face beet red. “It’s just that, I hate hearing you talk about yourself like that, when you’ve been one of the only people who’s always had my back, and yeah you sometimes don’t tell me the whole truth but then who does?-” His little rant is interrupted when Kisuke pulled him forward and kissed him in turn. Honestly if he’d been questioned on it, he couldn’t say why he did it only that Ichigo had done it first and he couldn’t bear sitting there doing nothing while Ichigo told him how important he was. Suddenly Ichigo’s moving without breaking the kiss and next thing Kisuke knew Ichigo is straddling his lap, fists bunched in his shirt, tongue pressed against Kisuke lips. Kisuke opened his mouth a little out of shock more then anything else. Next thing he knew Ichigo is licking the inside of Kisuke’s mouth like he’s hoping to find chocolate there and everything is just so far out of his control he doesn’t even know where to look for his damned self restraint. Kisuke pushed Ichigo off his lap onto the couch right after they break the kiss. Not before Ichigo had decided to shove his hand into Kisuke shirt and molest his chest though, making Kisuke feel like his entire body is burning and aching with pure need. My God, he needs to get laid more often before Isshin kills him.
“That’s enough Ichigo.” Ichigo just stared at him panting, with his lips wet and red and swollen and Kisuke closed his eyes and toke several deep breaths. “I really don’t want Hiyori to walk in on us.” He says trying to keep his voice light, “And you need to train and I need to get back to the shop before Renji gets into too much trouble.” He stood up and straightened his clothes, Ichigo still hadn’t said anything, is still watching him and Kisuke see the fear, hurt and betrayal in his eyes and it almost break his heart. “When you’re done training,” he tells the younger man softly, “Come find me, and this can be whatever you want.” He bendt down and kissed Ichigo gently on the cheek. Ichigo tried to make a grab for him but Kisuke pulled away waving cheerily and striding towards the door without looking back.
VI.
Even at night Chad practices. He’s not sure why, not sure he can even explain it to himself. He just knows, deep in his bones he knows, he needs to be strong, he needs to be strong now. The training helps, Renji and Urahara help. He doesn’t think about it really, just concentrates on getting the job down. He still fights defensively and it’s his greatest weakness that he always waits for Renji to attack him before reacting to Renji’s moves. Everyone keeps telling him with his sheer physical strength he should be attacking first, ending the fight fast before his opponent has time to summon his own attacks. He can’t quite make himself though. The pendant from his grandfather hangs heavily around his neck these days. A Reminder of what he cannot be at these moment and what he might never be again.
In the old days when Buddhist monasteries were burned and pillaged, monks would sometimes take up arms to defend them. Over time they developed into groups and would travel the countryside defending through force Buddhist people and monasteries. They did not delude themselves through, they knew they were not living righteous lives, they knew they would not reach perfection that way, but they believed their sacrifice was worth it. They made that choice so others did not have to.
Chad does not know if their choice was right or not, does not really know how he feels about his own choice, only that he never wants to go back to feeling useless again. Not when he has people to protect.
“Hey.” He looks up from his living room where he’s been going through at least the physical motions of a fight without any actually force. Uryuu stands in the doorway looking much better, looking almost healed. “Chad?” The bigger man went to him and gathered him up in a hug and Uryuu lets him, even put his hands lightly on Chad’s waist. “Are you coming to bed anytime soon?”
“Yeah.” Chad kissed the smaller man’s cheek, wondered what it would be like to live with him in a world where they don’t have to fight. He holds the other man a little closer.
“I have my powers back.” Uryuu’s shifts a little in his hold, sounding almost guilty. Chad pulls away a little.
“How?”
“When my father shot me, turns out he wasn’t a lying bastard at least, just a bastard. I can form a bow now, and I feel strong . . . stronger then before.” Uryuu looked up at him and Chad thinks the other man should be ecstatic. Being a Quincy is so much a part of who Uryuu is and Chad hated watching the way he suffered with that part of him removed. Yet Uryuu doesn’t look euphoric, he doesn’t even look happy.
“You know you don’t have to worry about me so much.” Uryuu abruptly pulled back from their embrace, turning away from Chad, adjusting his glasses. “I have my powers back I can look after myself.”
“I didn’t worry about you because you didn’t have your powers.” If anything Chad knows he’ll worry more. A powerful Uryuu means more reason for the other man to throw himself into harms way. “I worried because I care about you.” He puts his arms around the smaller man’s body and pulls him close again. “I care about you.” He repeats because Uryuu’s father doesn’t think twice about shooting him through the chest when Uryuu is completely vulnerable and Chad figures he probably hasn’t heard it enough.
Uryuu presses his face against Chad’s shoulder for a long moment. “I don’t want you to do anything your going to regret because of me.” It comes out in a long rush and Chad pulls back looking down at the other man.
“What?”
Uryuu isn’t looking at him again. “Don’t sacrifice your beliefs for me.” It comes out a lot more hostile and demanding then Chad knows Uryuu means.
“Uryuu.” He grasps the other man’s shoulders firmly, “The decisions that I make are my own. I’m not doing this only because of you. You not having your powers, it had nothing to do with it.”
Uryuu finally looks up at him and Chad can see the guilt that’s been lurking the back of his eyes for months and finally knows what that means. He pulls the smaller man close, buries his face in Uryuu’s dark hair. They stand like that quietly for a long moment.
“Lets go to bed.”
Uryuu pushes his glasses back up his knows and then nods, taking Chad’s hand. “Yes.”
VII.
Orihime is gone, and it’s all his fault. His fault for not being strong enough, his fault for not being fast enough, for not realizing, for not being there for her. All his fault, always his fault. He settles on this like a weight and when Tatsuki punches him he’s almost grateful. After all he deserves it.
The Soul Reapers are gone, back to the Soul Society, all of them, even Renji, even Rukia, it beaks his heart a little bit because they were supposed to be his friends. The ones he trusts. Under the circumstances he does the only thing he can think of and goes to find Kisuke. Kisuke of course is waiting for him, already knowing every detail of what’s going on. Usually that would annoy the hell out of the other man but right now he’s just grateful he’s not going to have to go over it again. Not in front of Kisuke, he doesn’t want to admit he’s gotten it wrong. All wrong he thinks looking up into the other man’s soft gray eyes.
They’re half way through the shop bound for the training room when Ichigo reached out and grabbed the other man’s arm. He has no illusions about what he’s walking into, knows he probably won’t be walking out, he’s never fought an Arrancar and won after all. He needs to have this talk now because there might not be an afterwards. Not this time.
“Kisuke.” The other man turned to look at him and Ichigo wished he wasn’t in half darkness he wants to see Kisuke for this. “You said when I was done training this could be anything I wanted it to be.” He swallows nervously then tells himself to deal with it, it’s now or never after all. “Well now I’m telling you what I want.” He meets the other man’s eyes squarely, be right about this moron because you’re not going to get to back out later, if there is a later. He leans forward and kisses Kisuke, taking off that stupid hat and tossing it on the floor. He ran his fingers through the other man’s blond hair pulling him close making Kisuke make a deliciously little noise into his mouth when he tugs on it. Oh yeah, this was good idea. They pull back and Ichigo licks his lips, “I want you to take care of my family while I’m away.” He says firmly, then reaches out, slips his arms around Kisuke waist. “I want you to be here when I get back, so no running off and getting yourself killed.” He takes a breath, knows what he’s going to say next is going to be kind of cheesy but he can’t think of any other way to put it. “ever since I became a Soul Reaper, you’ve always just been there, and that’s what I need, I need for you to be hear, be hear when I get back, be yourself, just-” He trails off not sure where he’s going with this but Kisuke must understand because he nods reaches out wraps his arms around Ichigo’s shoulders loosely.
“You’re solid ground.” Kisuke says softly totally serious despite the sentimentality, “ I can do that.”
Ichigo feels so very relieved, he tips his head back and kisses the other man again, rubs the back of his neck, and damn it, if he’s going to die he really wishes he isn’t going to die a virgin but they don’t have time right now. “Oh and when I get back I want us- you do stuff.” He can feels his face turning red and he’s always hated talking about this kind of thing always hated when other people talked about it. If he’s coming back though he want to be completely clear about this. “Like sex and stuff . . . stuff like that, you got it?”
Kisuke is smiling now, no grinning, and Ichigo frowns.
“If that’s what you want, and you’re sure.” Kisuke says and Ichigo looks down and pulls the other man a little closer before letting go and stepping back.
“Good.” He bites his lip, “as long as we’re clear.”
Kisuke picks up his hat and settles it back on his head before leading the way to the training room door. He keys it open and then Suddenly Ichigo finds himself being pressed up against the nearest wall. Kisuke’s hands are one his shoulders holding him in place and the older man’s body is pressed impossible close and they are kissing. Kisuke kisses him with a passion Ichigo has never seen from the other man, hot and wet and urgent, his tongue roams, maps and dominates Ichigo’s mouth. His leg pressed between Ichigo, presses their bodies even closer. When Kisuke pulls away they are both panting, and a little dazed.
“Come back alive.” Given the aggressiveness of Kisuke’s actions it should be a demand but instead it comes out as more of a plea and Ichigo licks his lips and nods.
“I promise.”
They both step back, and smooth their clothes down. Ichigo squares his shoulders and Kisuke is suddenly unreadable again, shielded behind layers and layers of inscrutability. They turn towards the training room door way again, and Ichigo takes a breath. Then they both are stepping into the light.
VIII.
Kisuke sat at the table in the shop and drank tea. He doesn’t think about Ichigo, that hurts too much, doesn’t think about Azien either, or the war, or the Soul Reapers or Vizards. Instead he thought about honor and about duty about how for so long he’d felt as if those things had been taken away from him when he’d fled the Soul Society. He thought about what Ichigo had asked him before leaving.
Be my solid ground.
Something real, something solid, something worth coming back to. Maybe that is a different kind of duty; a different way of understanding what a Soul Reaper’s job is all about. Maybe it’s good enough, maybe it never will be. Or maybe these things aren’t carved in stone, but are meant to be changed.
Kisuke smiles a little to himself and picked back up his tea. He liked the last option best.