You Are The Conversation, I am The Game (part 3) (fanfiction-Bleach)
Title: You Are The Conversation, I am The Game (part 3)
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing/Category: eventually Urahara/Ichigo, and Chad/Uryuu
Rating: NC-17
Warning: sex, talk of religion, a tiny bit of divergence from cannon
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Ichigo doesn't know what he's doing, Urahara doesn't know what Ichigo is doing either and Uryuu comforts Chad.
Author Note: beta read by rionarch so any mistakes still here are totally on me. Written for bleachbigbang
(Part 2)
Part 3
I.
Yasutora is worried about Uryuu. This is normal actually; Yasutora worries about the smaller man a lot. Uryuu has the bad habit of never giving his body the time it needs to heal between battles. Even when they’re safe, the latest threat having been eliminated Uryuu still never gives himself time. Uryuu is always doing things, working, training, or worrying about something. The only time the other man ever slows down is when Yasutora forces him to.
Earlier that week Uryuu had been fighting a low level hollow when he had gotten distracted by some kids who had run into the middle of the battle without realizing it. The hollow had slashed his shoulder open and although Uryuu insisted he was all right, that Orihime had healed him completely Yasutora just wished he’d rest.
At about eight in the evening Yasutora dragged Uryuu away from his sewing machine and across Uryuu tiny studio apartment to the futon. He sank down pulling the smaller man until Uryuu is curled in his lap. Uryuu mades a slightly embarrassed, slightly awkward grumbling noise and Yasutora wraps one arm around the other man’s waist so that he can cradle him against his chest and Uryuu’s protests end in a tiny sigh. He leans his head against the sold bulk of Yasutora’s body and bigger man turns on the tv. After turning it on Yasutora doesn’t really pay attention to the television he strokes the smaller man’s hair, rubs against the back of Uryuu neck. Uryuu presses his face against Yasutora’s shirt.
“Slow down.” Yasutora’s voice is a deep soft rumble laced with his underlying concern for the other man. “You have to let yourself rest.”
“I can’t.” Uryuu sighed again, squeezing his eyes shuts or a moment, “There is always so much to do.”
“No,” Yasutora’s hand strokes though Uryuu’s dark hair again, his thumb fitting against the curve of the other man’s ear, “Take the time.”
Uryuu doesn’t answer but he does snuggle closer into Yasutora’s lap. The bigger man can practically feel the exhaustion coming off of Uryuu. Yasutora thinks that Uryuu is a lot like Ichigo, he tries to take on the world and never stops to look after himself. Except that now Uryuu has him.
Uryuu can’t take compliments gracefully. He always blushes, stammers and frowns fiddling with his glasses every time Yasutora says something nice to him. From other people, teachers, people he doesn’t know Uryuu takes compliments and praise with practiced, cool, indifference, never giving anything away. With someone he knows though, someone he respects, trusts, and likes it’s totally different. Whenever Yasutora calls him ‘beautiful’ or tells him the shirt he’s wearing looks good on him the smaller man will glare, hands crossing over narrow chest, a flush creeping from his ears to color the rest of his face. Yasutora found it incredibly appealing,wanting to trace Uryuu’s blush with the tip of his tongue. Usually those he only smiles and gives the other man a little time and a little space to recover. Uryuu always touches him a little more intentionally after that.
Never one to seek out physical closeness while they are in public, Uryuu is much more likely to take Yasutora’s hand in his after he’s said something kind the smaller man. More likely to leave lightly little touches on Yasutora’s writs, side and thigh while they are planning or just hanging out at Urahara’s shop. Uryuu always refuses to meet in eyes in those moments, always colors ever so slightly around the tops of his ears, and Yasutora never mentions it. Never pushes for something the other man might not be able to give but sometimes his fingers will find Uryuu’s as the eat lunch together.
Uryuu also isn’t good at complimenting back, only does it when he speaks without realizing it. He always, always blushes afterwards looking down at his hands like he’s a little boy, so very different from his usual quiet yet confident air. Yasutora treasures these moments although he knows he shouldn’t. They are like butterflies; he should accept their brilliant beauty and adore it then let it go. He doesn’t though, keeping them close, hoarding them in his heart to remind himself when the world seems too unbearably dark and broken it what it means to be happy, to be loved.
He doesn’t use that word, not out loud, whenever their conversations get anywhere near the idea that this might be something more. Uryuu gets this lost, terrified look in his eyes and Yasutora can’t-doesn’t- want to push it. Besides part of him, a very small part, doesn’t want to say it either, doesn’t want to admit, like admitting it might make it real and Yasutora already knows what it feels like to loose the people you love. He’s not quite at the point where he can cave and then accept death, he sometimes wonders if he’ll ever be.
II.
Ichigo doesn’t know what he’s doing. Well in some ways he does. He knows he pushing, pushing things that he probably shouldn’t pushing people himself included, pushing bounders he’s not sure he wants to cross. On the other hand though, he doesn’t have any idea what his long terms goals are. He doesn’t have a plan, he’s just reacting, and he knows that’s stupid but hey it’s worked for him so far. He kind of loves it too, kind of loves the danger, the not knowing how far he’ll get before someone or something stops him. He kind of hates it too because he actually does like to know what he’s doing before he does it. He likes having some kind of order in his life.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he thinks he might be trying to seduce Urahara Kisuke. Actually he doesn’t think of it in those turns because thinking of it like that a. makes him sound like he has a plan which he doesn’t and b. just sounds incredibly stupid because Ichigo’s never knowingly seduced anyone and Urahara’s somewhere around two hundred years older then he is and the whole citation just starts seeming really hopeless and stupid when he thinks about it like that. So he doesn’t think about it.
He doesn’t think ‘I like guys therefore I am gay’ either. Actually the first time he woke up after having a dream of a very hard very flat chest and strong arms and hot sliding skin his first thought had been ‘fuck I’m so fucked, my life is over’. Ichigo will admit that it was over reacting because his life wasn’t over and there was nothing wrong with liking guys or finding a guy attractive. The only reason that would be a problem as far as Ichigo could tell was if you wanted a ‘normal life’ with the wife and the kids and the dog and all that shit and he’d passed the point where that would ever be in his future a long time ago. His life wasn’t normal and would never be normal. So it didn’t break is heart that that there might not be a wife, or kids or a dog, and hell Urahara had kids. Ichigo peeled off his reading glasses and rubbed his forehead, ignoring his school work, this whole thought process actually might be a bad idea. He might just not want to think about that either.
Right after coming to grips with the fact that Ichigo liked guys was the coming to grips with that unless he dated Orihime he wasn’t going to be dating a human anytime soon. Being a Soul Reaper plus a full time student, plus a son and brother and friend was more then he could handle as it was, he really, really didn’t want to be a boyfriend with a secret too. In fact most days he really didn’t think he had the time or the energy or wanted to be someone’s boyfriend. But if he was going go to date, or have sex or whatever it was going to have to be with someone he could be honest with. He didn’t think he could take it otherwise.
Mostly it was just all more then he wanted to deal with.
It had started when he had begun to notice Urahara. Not in an earth shattering life changing way, just noticing him, when he was in a room, and in his own defense the man was hard to miss. What he smelled like, the way he smiles, the little creases just starting to appear around his eyes almost unnoticeable under his ever-present hat. Urahara Kisuke was just there, present, and pervasive in Ichigo’s life and Ichigo for all he’d deny it liked that, relied on that even. Ichigo noticed the other man, he noticed him in a way that made him feel both incredibly awkward and incredibly light. It was weird and yet it felt good, it felt right, normal even. It was when Ichigo found himself growing irritated because Urahara’s damn hat kept getting in the way of Ichigo really being able to see the other man’s eyes, that Ichigo realized he was in trouble. Which is when he found himself here in this space where he didn’t really have a plan but it wasn’t like he wasn’t doing anything either.
Ichigo leaned against the counter in the main body of the shop the place where actual customers sometimes venture, at least he assumes, and watched the older man out of half lidded eyes. He wants Urahara to notice him but beyond that . . . No, Ichigo has no real idea what the hell he’s doing here. He’s just going on instinct.
III.
Kisuke doesn’t know what Ichigo’s doing, besides from being tempting that is, because he pretty much always is. Kisuke sometimes thinks Ichigo is a temptation particularly designed to ensnare Soul Reapers. He’s loyal, beautiful, insanely powerful, with just enough ‘I’m from the living world so I don’t have to follow your rules’ to be almost badass and completely adorable.
Ichigo is totally adorable, and very young, Kisuke sighed. He is afraid, no denying that. Where Ichigo is concerned he’d always been afraid of letting the younger man down and of hurting him in more ways then just physically, just by chance of miss-reading this. He’s also a little afraid of Isshin but that’s beside the point.. Through Ichigo, Kisuke still had a chance to do his duty and make it right. He also cared about Ichigo, in almost scarily ridiculous amounts actually. It scared the living hell out of him to think about so Kisuke most doesn’t think about it. He much preferred going back to the place where he was living out his life as a Soul Reaper vicariously through Ichigo, the sad old man that he is.
Kisuke peaked around the corner again. Yep Ichigo is still there, slim body half slung over the counter watching the place where Kisuke is lurking( definitely not hiding) through his eyelashes. He could walk over there, lean against the opposite side the counter and run his finger tips cross the knuckles of Ichigo’s hand. See where things went from there.
Part of him feels guilty for even considering it because Ichigo is so very young, because he wanted to badly for so long to be the teacher figure and nothing else. On the other hand it seems a little hypocritical of him to be treating Ichigo like a child when Kisuke himself had knowingly thrown Ichigo in the line of fire expecting him to make the right decisions and to be strong enough to come back rightly. Who was he to say that after all Ichigo couldn’t know what he might want because he wasn’t old or responsible enough. How could put Ichigo into a situation where he had to decide if a man lived or died and yet deny him companionship?
Or Kisuke could just be over thinking this, which was a possibility too. It wasn't an exact science. His emotions tell him if it were Kisuke, he would be hiding and lurking right now. If there would be such a thing as a right answer with less variables involved his interest might come easier. Kisuke sighed and smacked himself in the head with his own fan, before manning up and going out there to face Ichigo and fake oblivion.
Either way, hypocritical or prudent, Ichigo was going to have to make the first move.
IV.
Uryuu had always suffered from nightmares, ever since he was a child and had woken up in the night with
night-terrors. As he had gotten older it hadn’t gotten better just different. In the dark he woke up with tears on his face, his mind still filled with death, blood and fire. Some one was screaming a sound that just goes on and on and Uryuu blinked several times rapidly and the sound dissolved into nothing. Uryuu fumbled for glasses until his fingers curled around them. He put them on and slides out of bed, and goes looking for Chad. It’s not like the big man can get lost in Uryuu tiny apartment after all. Chad is sitting in the kitchen looking out the window lost in thought when Uryuu pads into the room.
“Chad?” the big man turned a little smiles softy at Uryuu.
“Hey.”
Uryuu took the chair next to Chad at the western style table he has in his kitchen. He wishes they were sitting somewhere else where Chad could reach across the space that separates them and pull him close. That would be nice right now.
“Nightmares?” Chad is looking at him from under dark curls and Uryuu nods stiffly.
He hates his own weakness, hates these moments when all he really wants is to be comforted and held. Chad doesn’t say anything else only stands and comes to kneel next to Uryuu’s chair wrapping large strong arms around the other man. It takes Uryuu a long moment before his body slowly unwinds and relaxes into Chad’s touch and he leans his head against Chad’s shoulder his eyes flickering shut.
“Why did you get up?” Uryuu rubbed his face against the curve of Chad’s throat, and Chad sighs, arms tightening a little.
“I was thinking.”
Uryuu pulled back so that he can see Chad’s face the big man is as unreadable as ever but Uryuu caught something like fear or doubt in those eyes. Uryuu frowned; he doesn’t like that look on Chad. It makes him want to fight something or perhaps kiss it away. “What about?”
Chad shifts a little, “when I fight.” He pauses chews his lip, “it’s always defensive.”
Uryuu nods encouragingly, “Yeah.”
Chad’s eyes drop to the floor and he sits still for a long time arms wrapped around Uryuu. “I could be stronger.” He says finally voice soft, “I could be a lot stronger, but not defensively.”
Uryuu eyes widen a little as he takes this in and he knows why Chad only ever fights defensively how guilty he feels even for that, how much he hates hurting people even when he feels like he has to even when it’s to protect others even for a good cause. Uryuu really likes that about Chad, his natural caring, mercy. All those things don’t come nearly so easily to Uryuu, who usually fights to totally destroy anything in his path. He knows Chad prays for the day when he doesn’t have to raise his fist in any kind of violence, even to protect, knows that Chad sees violence even against something as evil as hollows as a sin although he doesn’t use those words. Quincy words, except that to a Quincy, violence for a good and noble cause to protect those you loved was never wrong. Unfortunate maybe, but not a sin. Not to Chad though, not to Chad’s way of understanding the world in which every moment everything this is precious, and Uryuu draws closer to the big man holding him closer.
“I know,” Chad’s voice is low and almost painful. “I know I need to be stronger, to help Ichigo, to protect everyone.” His fingers makes small patterns across Uryuu’s back.
Uryuu closes his eyes, you don’t have to make this decision, he wants to say, you don’t have to be stronger then you are now. Let me be strong for the both of us, let me take care of you. He knows that’s not possible though, especially now that he has no Quincy power to rely on. He also knows Chad would never accept someone else fighting in his place. Chad isn’t the kind of person to idly stand by while his friends are in danger, while anyone is in danger actually.
“Chad.” Uryuu cupped the other man’s face, kissed his lips, smoothed his hands across Chad’s high cheeks and wide forehead, “you don’t have to decide this now, come to bed.”
The darkness didn’t leave Chad’s eyes but he stood and took Uryuu’s hand and let the smaller man pull him out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, let himself be pulled down onto the futon. Uryuu kissed the other man, pulled him down so Chad is lying half across Uryuu, pried open Chad’s mouth with his tongue, a little more demanding then usual. Chad doesn’t seem to mind and large hands push up Uryuu’s t-shirt, skim across his chest and stomach. Chad’s hands are so big, just one can span so much of him it makes Uryuu shiver and sigh. He let go of Chad long enough to pull the shirt over his head and reach for Chad’s. Chad sat up and they did a little shuffling dance around the too small futon, until Chad is lying on his back looking up at Uryuu bending over him. Uryuu kissed him again, kissed down Chad’s neck, licked at the fragile pulse-point. He bite into the hard muscle of Chad’s shoulder licks at the spot when Chad hisses a little, and then sucks. Chad doesn’t mark really, his skin is a little too dark for that unlike Uryuu who bruises vividly if someone so much as looks the wrong way at him. Uryuu likes to pretend though, likes to lick and suck and bite and think that even if he can’t see them those marks are still there, still on Chad, his marks, Chad is his.
Down boy, he thinks to himself, don’t be an idiot. Of course Chad is his and not because of Uryuu’s stupid possessiveness either. Chad shifts a little under him and Uryuu licks one more time at Chad’s shoulder and moves on. He kisses across the wide expanse of Chad’s chest, feels the way the muscles move under his mouth and hands. He straddles Chad’s thighs, always a little amazed by how much of him can fits fine on top of Chad with plenty of room to spare and Chad’s chest and stomach seem to go on for ever hard, and tight and smooth under Uryuu’s hands. Chad has no hair on his chest, only a very little starting under his navel and his nipples turn a dark rose when he’s aroused. Uryuu can’t help but groan against Chad’s skin, taking his glasses off so he can press mouth, nose and cheek against Chad’s chest, lick nonsense patterns there until Chad gasps and whimpers a little.
“Uryuu.”
Uryuu smiled a little and kissed across Chad’s stomach, tracing the lines and indentations of his hips. His fingers hook into the waistband of the pajama pants Chad is wearing and pull them down, around Chad’s knees. He licked the crease of Chad’s hip, kissed along the tops of his thighs. Chad squirmed ever so slightly, caught between wanting Uryuu to take his time and wanting him to pay attention to the erection that strained up between his legs. Uryuu smiled against the curve of Chad’s hip again.
“Something you want Chad?”
The big man sighed, pressing his face sideways into the pillow and shakes his head “No, just . . .keep going.”
Uryuu’s fingers curl around Chad’s cock feeling and lightly stroking. Holding him steady as the smaller man bends and licks around the crown and Chad groans. Uryuu licked down Chad’s length tracing the vain with his tongue as Chad’s big hands clench in the blankets. Uryuu explored Chad’s cock with his tongue and fingers, stroking, kissing and licking while Uryuu’s other hand lightly touched and presses against Chad’s balls.
“Tell me what you want.” Uryuu finally pulled away from Chad’s cock squinting a little nearsightedly up at the larger man. Chad pants, curls sticking to his forehead and Uryuu admires the light sheen of sweat across the other man’s chest and arms, the way his stomach muscles contract.
“anything.” Chad pants, “just . . . I want to come.”
Uryuu actually grins this time, fingers wrapping back around Chad and Uryuu’s mouth covers as much of the tip of Chad’s cock into his mouth. It’s not comfortable, Chad is really large, intimidating so, and Uryuu knows perfectly well that everything about him is small including his mouth. He manages though and the one and only time Chad had suggested that Uryuu didn’t have to give him head, he had been met with a cold stare and a hissed out statement that Uryuu would be able to manage just fine. Uryuu licked at the small trickle of pre come, licked down Chad’s cock again, slowly pumping and twisting his hand as he does so. He lets his mouth close back over the tip of Chad’s length again and whimpers a little bit himself and Chad hisses and holds himself rigid to keep from bucking up. Uryuu makes an incredibly obscene slurping sucking noise and flicks his tongue even as his other hand drops to pull and press at Chad’s balls. Chad goes perfectly still body still taught and arched and comes, shaking, eyes closed head tossed to the side. Uryuu watches from under half lidded eyes and wishes he’s still wearing his glasses so he can see every detail of this, despite the fact that he’s seen it many, many times before. Cum splatters and dribbles down his chin and Uryuu sits back face scrunched a little and wipes himself off with his abandoned t-shirt as Chad pants and tries to come back to himself. His cheeks still feel a little hot and he wonders testily if he will never be able to have sex without blushing. It makes him feel stupid and he is so very much not a blushing virgin. Chad interrupts his self-deprecation when he sits up and wraps his arms around Uryuu pulling the other man close. They kiss, Chad pushing his tongue into Uryuu mouth and gently mapping it as if trying to collect the taste himself there. Uryuu groaned a little into the kiss and Chad’s fingers go to the waist band of Uryuu’s own pajama pants for a moment before tipping lower to gently trace Uryuu erection through the flimsy cloth and cup his balls.
“Thank you.” Chad says sincerely when they pull apart, just like he does every time and Uryuu rolls his eyes even as he can feel himself blush all over again.
“just get these pants off of me.” He says and Chad hums a little as he complies.
V.
Kisuke fidgets a little on his futon. It’s late, he stayed up particularly late tonight working in the lab and tomorrow seems like it’s going to be a long day too. He needs to get some sleep if for no other reason then his body is exhausted. His mind keeps going to Ichigo though. The young man had been in one of his moods all day and Kisuke had spent the better part of his time ignoring him. He’d discovered pretty early on there was really only two ways to deal with a moody Ichigo, ignore him, or physically beat some sense into him. Most importantly though you couldn’t let yourself get dragged down to his level. Ichigo’s angst and guilt could often be contagious but Kisuke knew he couldn’t let himself go there. He was much better at digging himself into mental holes then even Ichigo, after all, and the last thing one needed to deal with was two depressed self centered idiots. Kisuke had originally cultivated his sunny persona because it actually wasn’t that different from his actual personality and also acted as a block, a wall against unwanted prying. With Ichigo though it acted as a safety net keeping them both from being dragged down.
That didn’t mean he didn’t worry about Ichigo through. He worried about him a lot. Ichigo is young and although he’s incredibly strong Kisuke still worries about the amount of pressure, of responsibility, that keeps getting placed on his shoulders. The way Ichigo frowned these day, not just to cover up his real emotions but like he’s really truly tired makes Kisuke want to reach out to him. Makes him want to take the younger man in his arms and kiss the corners of his mouth. Makes him want to encourage Ichigo silly flirtation because Ichigo seemed so happy when he’s doing it. Maybe if he flirts back next time he might even get a smile out of Ichigo.
He turns over on the futon, it probably wasn’t a good idea to be thinking about Ichigo now. It’s way too tempting to think of doing things besides merely flirt with the young man. God, but Ichigo was so cute most of the time, except when he was being serious, and intense, ready to sacrifice his life to protect those he loved. In those instances Ichigo became down right sexy.
Kisuke pressed his hands against his eyes and sighed. Two hundred years, he tells himself, a two hundred year age gap. Actually two hundred years was nothing for Soul Reaper relationships, Kisuke’s previous crush had been two thousand years give or take a couple centuries older then him after all. Kisuke sighs again, folding his arms under his head and thinks about the first time he’d ever seen, Ukitake Jyuushirou, tall and beautiful, white hair falling around his shoulders as he demonstrated a fighting move to a group of students at the academy. He had been the first Captain Kisuke had ever met, back before the idea that he might one day be a Captain himself had ever entered crossed his mind. Kisuke had thought Ukitake was stunning even then, even before he’d really known him. When he’d gotten to know the other man he’d discovered Ukitake’s subtle sense of humor, his gently kindness and brilliant smile. Ukitake had always been interested in everything Kisuke did, all his researching, and his tinkering. They had talked a lot back when Kisuke had been a Captain and it had made him happy. Not that he’d ever fooled himself about Ukitake. The man had been a friend, Kisuke liked to think that on some level they still were friends, and sometimes a forbidden fantasy, but nothing more. Ukitake had Shunsui after all.
Kisuke had known the first time he’d ever seen those two in the same room that he had absolutely no chance with Ukitake. Some couples finished each other sentences, Shunsui and Ukitake finished each other’s train of thought. They were absolutely smitten with each other, and Kisuke couldn’t find it in himself to really be sorry about that. Ukitake was brilliant, beautiful and everything Kisuke had wanted in a man but he was also obviously stupidly in love with Shunsui. As Kisuke had gotten to know Shunsui he’d been able to see why. Shunsui was such a gentle man, far more then any other Captain Kisuke had ever met, caring and generous. He had a deep infectious sense of fun, a bright quick mind, and breathtakingly beautiful smile. No, Kisuke couldn’t fault either one of them really. So Kisuke contented himself with friendship and fantasies, because if there was anything hotter then fantasies about Ukitake then it was fantasies about Ukitake and Shunsui together.
Kisuke eyes glaze over slightly and he smacks himself sharply in the forehead. Get it together, he thinks, you aren’t a hundred any more act like an adult for crying out loud. His body’s not listening to him, though, and Kisuke sighs and turns over again and then flips over onto his other side. He tries to dredge up old memories of his last couple lovers, tries to find some generic fantasy men to distract himself with and ends up staring aimlessly at the ceiling in the dark instead.
It’s late, he’s tired, he should be going to sleep but now his mind is way too wound up for that. He curse softy to himself, and refuses, simply refuses, to do something like take off his pajama pants or reach for the vibrator under the bed. Self-control, he has excellent self-control. The minutes tick by, Kisuke body remains tired yet tense his mind going in a hundred different directions at once most of those places he’d much rather it just left alone. Kisuke rubs his knuckles across his forehead and wonders, which is less creepy; getting off to thoughts of Ichigo’s pretty, brown eyes, or Ukitake’s hands on Shunsui’s skin. Kisuke lets his hand fall against the blankets, yep he’s well and truly screwed, or not, which right now is the problem.
Kisuke thinks about the way Ichigo’s slim body curves as he draped himself across the counter in the front of the shop, jeans riding low on his hips. He thinks of the way the younger man is at once so conscious of his own body while fighting or training and yet so unconscious of it and it’s many charms all the rest of the time. He thinks about the few times he’s seen Ichigo smile and the even fewer times he’s seen him laugh. He’s mind goes to the way Ichigo’s chest heaves and the younger man pants when they’ve been training for hours and they’re both exhausted and Ichigo has just managed, temporarily, to pin him down against the ground . . .
As Kisuke pulls himself half off his futon and rummages under the frame for his largest vibrator, he decided that, yes in fact the Ukitake getting all hot and handsy with Shunsui fantasy is the least-pervy of his two options.
VI.
Ichigo wrestled his pillow into a more comfortable position and groaned a little. He hated waking up to this mixture of guilt and lust. Lust because of the dream he’d been having hot hands stroking down his stomach and lips nibbling at his ear. As his mind came more fully awake he found himself slipping out of the dream space of sensation and safety and into reality where he was an incredibly powerful substitute Soul Reaper. Thus the guilt and shame, he shouldn’t have this deep sinking in the pit of his stomach and want nothing more then to roll over and go back to the sleep when he thought of his duty. He had this power for a reason, he was glad he had this power, he shouldn’t feel as if just this once he was simply tired, tired of being expected to live in two worlds. Because that was it, he thought squeezing his eyes close, it wasn’t the power and it wasn’t the fighting, he’d to anything to protect people who needed protecting, it was just that he didn’t really fit anywhere. He didn’t really belong and there was two world both trying to claim and reject him at the same time, not to mention all the other people who wanted a piece of him.
He snuggles his pillow more pushing his face into it, he wanted the warm sleepy feeling back where he didn’t have to feel angry, or guilty where he could just enjoy his fantasy. Speaking of which, Ichigo close his eyes nestling farther into his blankets hugging the pillow to his chest. There had been gentle hands touching him, lips kissing and biting at his ear and throat. Ichigo shivered a little, he couldn’t remember much else about the dream but his imagination quickly added a hard chest, and broad shoulders, doesn’t think too hard about the fact that he also adds blond hair. He sighs a little moves his hips against the pillow he’s currently molesting. It’s good, it feels good the hands of his fantasy man are skillful touching right where he likes to be touched. The guilt is still there though, lurking underneath the surface, twisting in his gut to make something almost like sadness leech into his bones. Without even meaning to the hands touching him in his mind become gentle more soothing then arousing and the arms attached to those hands pull him close in a protective way. Ichigo snorts and rolls onto his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. He gives himself a good hard mental slap and slides his boxers down over his hips, his hand going to curl around his still particularly hard cock. Way to go fuck up a perfectly good fantasy, with emotions he shouldn’t even be feeling. His hand moves with practiced efficiently coaxing himself to full hardness, he tries to push the guilt as far away as possible and summon the fantasy back but it refuses to come. Ichigo sighs again giving up on the fantasy all together and just concentrates on the feel of his hand.
VII.
Yasutora did not try to rationalize this. He could, he could say it wasn’t any different from what he’d been doing, some enemies where just too strong, you had to attack first or you wouldn’t be able to protect those you needed to protect. He doesn’t do that though, doesn’t try to find a way in his own mind how this is ok. It’s the right thing to do, he’s no help as he is right now, everyone else around him keeps getting stronger and Yasutora’s abilities have simply stalled and that makes him useless. He’s just strong enough to be considered dangerous by the enemy; not strong enough to hold his own against them. He won’t even consider standing aside now and not being there. The mere idea makes him sick, of Ichigo Orihime and Uryuu throwing themselves into the line of danger and him not being there. It makes him feel physically ill, if something were to happen he’d never forgive himself. So he knows he will do this. It doesn’t make it right, though, in his mind. He knows he’s letting his grandfather down, going against the life he wanted so much for Yasutora. He’s going against his beliefs and he doesn’t like it but he’s painted himself into a corners and it’s either sacrifice this things that he’s held on to that’s made him who he is since his grandfather’s death or sacrifice his friends, the man he loves. In the end it’s not really a decision at all.
VIII.
Uryuu has become almost painfully aware of how big a role his beliefs play in his life. He is a Quincy, disagreements he might have with how his father interprets that how, that has been interpreted throughout history, but it is still, very much who he is. He like, Chad he follows his grandfather’s religion. It is undeniably a part of him, and how that his mind has decided to hyper-focus on it Uryuu realizes just how obviously so. There are Quincy crosses everywhere. His apartment is practically covered in them and yes they all serve a practical purpose of helping him train and channel his power but that still doesn’t change the fact that he has a freaking lot of them. He has a lot of the kind he wears too, both the kind that will bring forth weapons and the kind that Quincies traditionally use for prayer and focusing. Every morning the first things he does is put on the one that goes around his wrist the one that can call forth a bow, then he takes out one of the smaller less powerful ones and uses it to pray with. Prayer is not only a big part of Uryuu’s daily routine it is an important part of Quincy belief and helps focus him. He finds that the days when he keeps to his scheduled prayer he does much better both in training and actually fighting then the days when he skips it.
He’s been doing it all, living surrounded by symbols of his heritage so long he usually just takes it all for granted. It’s only not that he things about it that he can’t seem to stop thinking about it. It’s because of Chad, because of the decision Chad’s made. Not that the other man had said anything, or well, Chad never said anything unless it was really, really important. Chad hadn’t indicated he found anything wrong with Uryuu’s continued devotion to the Quincy traditions. Chad had always been very respectful of Uryuu’s beliefs, even as Uryuu had always been very respectful of Chad’s. He knows that in some ways Chad feels he is betraying his , and Uryuu hates that. He hates that Chad’s been put into that position and he hates it’s partially because of him. Because Chad feels like he needs to protect him, especially now. Sure Chad feels like he needs to protect everybody, it’s rather chronic condition in their small group, but Uryuu knows perfectly well that Chad feels a particular responsibility to protect him. Not that Chad thinks that Uryuu is weak even now. If anything Ichigo is far more likely to underestimate him then Chad is, but still Chad has special feels for Uryuu.
It’s a toxic mix simmering quietly inside him this guilt over his ability to still hold true to his beliefs and his lack of power. It taints everything he does, keeps him awake at night, keeps him from giving Chad what he wants to, giving all that he has. He’s holding back now, second guessing his ability to be what Chad needs in a partner, and they haven’t even been together that long. It gets to the point though when Uryuu realizes he has to make a decision.
He’s standing in the bathroom of his apartment looking at his reflection in the mirror when he decides he can’t go on like this. He has to either get his Quincy powers back. Convince Chad that he doesn’t need to take care of Uryuu doesn’t need to give it all up for him, or he has to leave the other man. The mere thought makes him feel physically sick, makes his hand go dry and shake a little. He glares at his reflection and tells him to get himself together, he’ll figure it out, and even if he doesn’t he’ll do what’s best for Chad because the other man deserves that from him. Chad has never been anything but a sweet, kind, attentive partner to Uryuu made him feel special, made him feel loved, wanted, needed even. Uryuu wraps his arms around himself and pushes hard against the mental images of not having Chad in his life, of seeing the other man in school, but not being able to touch him, hold him, just be with him. He’ll do what’s best, for everyone but especially for Chad. Then the other man wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. He deserves that much at least.
(Part 4)
Author: slash4femme
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing/Category: eventually Urahara/Ichigo, and Chad/Uryuu
Rating: NC-17
Warning: sex, talk of religion, a tiny bit of divergence from cannon
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, I do not make money off of doing this. The only thing I'm getting out of this is pure unadulterated creative enjoyment and less hours for me to spend doing my real work.
Summary: Ichigo doesn't know what he's doing, Urahara doesn't know what Ichigo is doing either and Uryuu comforts Chad.
Author Note: beta read by rionarch so any mistakes still here are totally on me. Written for bleachbigbang
(Part 2)
Part 3
I.
Yasutora is worried about Uryuu. This is normal actually; Yasutora worries about the smaller man a lot. Uryuu has the bad habit of never giving his body the time it needs to heal between battles. Even when they’re safe, the latest threat having been eliminated Uryuu still never gives himself time. Uryuu is always doing things, working, training, or worrying about something. The only time the other man ever slows down is when Yasutora forces him to.
Earlier that week Uryuu had been fighting a low level hollow when he had gotten distracted by some kids who had run into the middle of the battle without realizing it. The hollow had slashed his shoulder open and although Uryuu insisted he was all right, that Orihime had healed him completely Yasutora just wished he’d rest.
At about eight in the evening Yasutora dragged Uryuu away from his sewing machine and across Uryuu tiny studio apartment to the futon. He sank down pulling the smaller man until Uryuu is curled in his lap. Uryuu mades a slightly embarrassed, slightly awkward grumbling noise and Yasutora wraps one arm around the other man’s waist so that he can cradle him against his chest and Uryuu’s protests end in a tiny sigh. He leans his head against the sold bulk of Yasutora’s body and bigger man turns on the tv. After turning it on Yasutora doesn’t really pay attention to the television he strokes the smaller man’s hair, rubs against the back of Uryuu neck. Uryuu presses his face against Yasutora’s shirt.
“Slow down.” Yasutora’s voice is a deep soft rumble laced with his underlying concern for the other man. “You have to let yourself rest.”
“I can’t.” Uryuu sighed again, squeezing his eyes shuts or a moment, “There is always so much to do.”
“No,” Yasutora’s hand strokes though Uryuu’s dark hair again, his thumb fitting against the curve of the other man’s ear, “Take the time.”
Uryuu doesn’t answer but he does snuggle closer into Yasutora’s lap. The bigger man can practically feel the exhaustion coming off of Uryuu. Yasutora thinks that Uryuu is a lot like Ichigo, he tries to take on the world and never stops to look after himself. Except that now Uryuu has him.
Uryuu can’t take compliments gracefully. He always blushes, stammers and frowns fiddling with his glasses every time Yasutora says something nice to him. From other people, teachers, people he doesn’t know Uryuu takes compliments and praise with practiced, cool, indifference, never giving anything away. With someone he knows though, someone he respects, trusts, and likes it’s totally different. Whenever Yasutora calls him ‘beautiful’ or tells him the shirt he’s wearing looks good on him the smaller man will glare, hands crossing over narrow chest, a flush creeping from his ears to color the rest of his face. Yasutora found it incredibly appealing,wanting to trace Uryuu’s blush with the tip of his tongue. Usually those he only smiles and gives the other man a little time and a little space to recover. Uryuu always touches him a little more intentionally after that.
Never one to seek out physical closeness while they are in public, Uryuu is much more likely to take Yasutora’s hand in his after he’s said something kind the smaller man. More likely to leave lightly little touches on Yasutora’s writs, side and thigh while they are planning or just hanging out at Urahara’s shop. Uryuu always refuses to meet in eyes in those moments, always colors ever so slightly around the tops of his ears, and Yasutora never mentions it. Never pushes for something the other man might not be able to give but sometimes his fingers will find Uryuu’s as the eat lunch together.
Uryuu also isn’t good at complimenting back, only does it when he speaks without realizing it. He always, always blushes afterwards looking down at his hands like he’s a little boy, so very different from his usual quiet yet confident air. Yasutora treasures these moments although he knows he shouldn’t. They are like butterflies; he should accept their brilliant beauty and adore it then let it go. He doesn’t though, keeping them close, hoarding them in his heart to remind himself when the world seems too unbearably dark and broken it what it means to be happy, to be loved.
He doesn’t use that word, not out loud, whenever their conversations get anywhere near the idea that this might be something more. Uryuu gets this lost, terrified look in his eyes and Yasutora can’t-doesn’t- want to push it. Besides part of him, a very small part, doesn’t want to say it either, doesn’t want to admit, like admitting it might make it real and Yasutora already knows what it feels like to loose the people you love. He’s not quite at the point where he can cave and then accept death, he sometimes wonders if he’ll ever be.
II.
Ichigo doesn’t know what he’s doing. Well in some ways he does. He knows he pushing, pushing things that he probably shouldn’t pushing people himself included, pushing bounders he’s not sure he wants to cross. On the other hand though, he doesn’t have any idea what his long terms goals are. He doesn’t have a plan, he’s just reacting, and he knows that’s stupid but hey it’s worked for him so far. He kind of loves it too, kind of loves the danger, the not knowing how far he’ll get before someone or something stops him. He kind of hates it too because he actually does like to know what he’s doing before he does it. He likes having some kind of order in his life.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he thinks he might be trying to seduce Urahara Kisuke. Actually he doesn’t think of it in those turns because thinking of it like that a. makes him sound like he has a plan which he doesn’t and b. just sounds incredibly stupid because Ichigo’s never knowingly seduced anyone and Urahara’s somewhere around two hundred years older then he is and the whole citation just starts seeming really hopeless and stupid when he thinks about it like that. So he doesn’t think about it.
He doesn’t think ‘I like guys therefore I am gay’ either. Actually the first time he woke up after having a dream of a very hard very flat chest and strong arms and hot sliding skin his first thought had been ‘fuck I’m so fucked, my life is over’. Ichigo will admit that it was over reacting because his life wasn’t over and there was nothing wrong with liking guys or finding a guy attractive. The only reason that would be a problem as far as Ichigo could tell was if you wanted a ‘normal life’ with the wife and the kids and the dog and all that shit and he’d passed the point where that would ever be in his future a long time ago. His life wasn’t normal and would never be normal. So it didn’t break is heart that that there might not be a wife, or kids or a dog, and hell Urahara had kids. Ichigo peeled off his reading glasses and rubbed his forehead, ignoring his school work, this whole thought process actually might be a bad idea. He might just not want to think about that either.
Right after coming to grips with the fact that Ichigo liked guys was the coming to grips with that unless he dated Orihime he wasn’t going to be dating a human anytime soon. Being a Soul Reaper plus a full time student, plus a son and brother and friend was more then he could handle as it was, he really, really didn’t want to be a boyfriend with a secret too. In fact most days he really didn’t think he had the time or the energy or wanted to be someone’s boyfriend. But if he was going go to date, or have sex or whatever it was going to have to be with someone he could be honest with. He didn’t think he could take it otherwise.
Mostly it was just all more then he wanted to deal with.
It had started when he had begun to notice Urahara. Not in an earth shattering life changing way, just noticing him, when he was in a room, and in his own defense the man was hard to miss. What he smelled like, the way he smiles, the little creases just starting to appear around his eyes almost unnoticeable under his ever-present hat. Urahara Kisuke was just there, present, and pervasive in Ichigo’s life and Ichigo for all he’d deny it liked that, relied on that even. Ichigo noticed the other man, he noticed him in a way that made him feel both incredibly awkward and incredibly light. It was weird and yet it felt good, it felt right, normal even. It was when Ichigo found himself growing irritated because Urahara’s damn hat kept getting in the way of Ichigo really being able to see the other man’s eyes, that Ichigo realized he was in trouble. Which is when he found himself here in this space where he didn’t really have a plan but it wasn’t like he wasn’t doing anything either.
Ichigo leaned against the counter in the main body of the shop the place where actual customers sometimes venture, at least he assumes, and watched the older man out of half lidded eyes. He wants Urahara to notice him but beyond that . . . No, Ichigo has no real idea what the hell he’s doing here. He’s just going on instinct.
III.
Kisuke doesn’t know what Ichigo’s doing, besides from being tempting that is, because he pretty much always is. Kisuke sometimes thinks Ichigo is a temptation particularly designed to ensnare Soul Reapers. He’s loyal, beautiful, insanely powerful, with just enough ‘I’m from the living world so I don’t have to follow your rules’ to be almost badass and completely adorable.
Ichigo is totally adorable, and very young, Kisuke sighed. He is afraid, no denying that. Where Ichigo is concerned he’d always been afraid of letting the younger man down and of hurting him in more ways then just physically, just by chance of miss-reading this. He’s also a little afraid of Isshin but that’s beside the point.. Through Ichigo, Kisuke still had a chance to do his duty and make it right. He also cared about Ichigo, in almost scarily ridiculous amounts actually. It scared the living hell out of him to think about so Kisuke most doesn’t think about it. He much preferred going back to the place where he was living out his life as a Soul Reaper vicariously through Ichigo, the sad old man that he is.
Kisuke peaked around the corner again. Yep Ichigo is still there, slim body half slung over the counter watching the place where Kisuke is lurking( definitely not hiding) through his eyelashes. He could walk over there, lean against the opposite side the counter and run his finger tips cross the knuckles of Ichigo’s hand. See where things went from there.
Part of him feels guilty for even considering it because Ichigo is so very young, because he wanted to badly for so long to be the teacher figure and nothing else. On the other hand it seems a little hypocritical of him to be treating Ichigo like a child when Kisuke himself had knowingly thrown Ichigo in the line of fire expecting him to make the right decisions and to be strong enough to come back rightly. Who was he to say that after all Ichigo couldn’t know what he might want because he wasn’t old or responsible enough. How could put Ichigo into a situation where he had to decide if a man lived or died and yet deny him companionship?
Or Kisuke could just be over thinking this, which was a possibility too. It wasn't an exact science. His emotions tell him if it were Kisuke, he would be hiding and lurking right now. If there would be such a thing as a right answer with less variables involved his interest might come easier. Kisuke sighed and smacked himself in the head with his own fan, before manning up and going out there to face Ichigo and fake oblivion.
Either way, hypocritical or prudent, Ichigo was going to have to make the first move.
IV.
Uryuu had always suffered from nightmares, ever since he was a child and had woken up in the night with
night-terrors. As he had gotten older it hadn’t gotten better just different. In the dark he woke up with tears on his face, his mind still filled with death, blood and fire. Some one was screaming a sound that just goes on and on and Uryuu blinked several times rapidly and the sound dissolved into nothing. Uryuu fumbled for glasses until his fingers curled around them. He put them on and slides out of bed, and goes looking for Chad. It’s not like the big man can get lost in Uryuu tiny apartment after all. Chad is sitting in the kitchen looking out the window lost in thought when Uryuu pads into the room.
“Chad?” the big man turned a little smiles softy at Uryuu.
“Hey.”
Uryuu took the chair next to Chad at the western style table he has in his kitchen. He wishes they were sitting somewhere else where Chad could reach across the space that separates them and pull him close. That would be nice right now.
“Nightmares?” Chad is looking at him from under dark curls and Uryuu nods stiffly.
He hates his own weakness, hates these moments when all he really wants is to be comforted and held. Chad doesn’t say anything else only stands and comes to kneel next to Uryuu’s chair wrapping large strong arms around the other man. It takes Uryuu a long moment before his body slowly unwinds and relaxes into Chad’s touch and he leans his head against Chad’s shoulder his eyes flickering shut.
“Why did you get up?” Uryuu rubbed his face against the curve of Chad’s throat, and Chad sighs, arms tightening a little.
“I was thinking.”
Uryuu pulled back so that he can see Chad’s face the big man is as unreadable as ever but Uryuu caught something like fear or doubt in those eyes. Uryuu frowned; he doesn’t like that look on Chad. It makes him want to fight something or perhaps kiss it away. “What about?”
Chad shifts a little, “when I fight.” He pauses chews his lip, “it’s always defensive.”
Uryuu nods encouragingly, “Yeah.”
Chad’s eyes drop to the floor and he sits still for a long time arms wrapped around Uryuu. “I could be stronger.” He says finally voice soft, “I could be a lot stronger, but not defensively.”
Uryuu eyes widen a little as he takes this in and he knows why Chad only ever fights defensively how guilty he feels even for that, how much he hates hurting people even when he feels like he has to even when it’s to protect others even for a good cause. Uryuu really likes that about Chad, his natural caring, mercy. All those things don’t come nearly so easily to Uryuu, who usually fights to totally destroy anything in his path. He knows Chad prays for the day when he doesn’t have to raise his fist in any kind of violence, even to protect, knows that Chad sees violence even against something as evil as hollows as a sin although he doesn’t use those words. Quincy words, except that to a Quincy, violence for a good and noble cause to protect those you loved was never wrong. Unfortunate maybe, but not a sin. Not to Chad though, not to Chad’s way of understanding the world in which every moment everything this is precious, and Uryuu draws closer to the big man holding him closer.
“I know,” Chad’s voice is low and almost painful. “I know I need to be stronger, to help Ichigo, to protect everyone.” His fingers makes small patterns across Uryuu’s back.
Uryuu closes his eyes, you don’t have to make this decision, he wants to say, you don’t have to be stronger then you are now. Let me be strong for the both of us, let me take care of you. He knows that’s not possible though, especially now that he has no Quincy power to rely on. He also knows Chad would never accept someone else fighting in his place. Chad isn’t the kind of person to idly stand by while his friends are in danger, while anyone is in danger actually.
“Chad.” Uryuu cupped the other man’s face, kissed his lips, smoothed his hands across Chad’s high cheeks and wide forehead, “you don’t have to decide this now, come to bed.”
The darkness didn’t leave Chad’s eyes but he stood and took Uryuu’s hand and let the smaller man pull him out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, let himself be pulled down onto the futon. Uryuu kissed the other man, pulled him down so Chad is lying half across Uryuu, pried open Chad’s mouth with his tongue, a little more demanding then usual. Chad doesn’t seem to mind and large hands push up Uryuu’s t-shirt, skim across his chest and stomach. Chad’s hands are so big, just one can span so much of him it makes Uryuu shiver and sigh. He let go of Chad long enough to pull the shirt over his head and reach for Chad’s. Chad sat up and they did a little shuffling dance around the too small futon, until Chad is lying on his back looking up at Uryuu bending over him. Uryuu kissed him again, kissed down Chad’s neck, licked at the fragile pulse-point. He bite into the hard muscle of Chad’s shoulder licks at the spot when Chad hisses a little, and then sucks. Chad doesn’t mark really, his skin is a little too dark for that unlike Uryuu who bruises vividly if someone so much as looks the wrong way at him. Uryuu likes to pretend though, likes to lick and suck and bite and think that even if he can’t see them those marks are still there, still on Chad, his marks, Chad is his.
Down boy, he thinks to himself, don’t be an idiot. Of course Chad is his and not because of Uryuu’s stupid possessiveness either. Chad shifts a little under him and Uryuu licks one more time at Chad’s shoulder and moves on. He kisses across the wide expanse of Chad’s chest, feels the way the muscles move under his mouth and hands. He straddles Chad’s thighs, always a little amazed by how much of him can fits fine on top of Chad with plenty of room to spare and Chad’s chest and stomach seem to go on for ever hard, and tight and smooth under Uryuu’s hands. Chad has no hair on his chest, only a very little starting under his navel and his nipples turn a dark rose when he’s aroused. Uryuu can’t help but groan against Chad’s skin, taking his glasses off so he can press mouth, nose and cheek against Chad’s chest, lick nonsense patterns there until Chad gasps and whimpers a little.
“Uryuu.”
Uryuu smiled a little and kissed across Chad’s stomach, tracing the lines and indentations of his hips. His fingers hook into the waistband of the pajama pants Chad is wearing and pull them down, around Chad’s knees. He licked the crease of Chad’s hip, kissed along the tops of his thighs. Chad squirmed ever so slightly, caught between wanting Uryuu to take his time and wanting him to pay attention to the erection that strained up between his legs. Uryuu smiled against the curve of Chad’s hip again.
“Something you want Chad?”
The big man sighed, pressing his face sideways into the pillow and shakes his head “No, just . . .keep going.”
Uryuu’s fingers curl around Chad’s cock feeling and lightly stroking. Holding him steady as the smaller man bends and licks around the crown and Chad groans. Uryuu licked down Chad’s length tracing the vain with his tongue as Chad’s big hands clench in the blankets. Uryuu explored Chad’s cock with his tongue and fingers, stroking, kissing and licking while Uryuu’s other hand lightly touched and presses against Chad’s balls.
“Tell me what you want.” Uryuu finally pulled away from Chad’s cock squinting a little nearsightedly up at the larger man. Chad pants, curls sticking to his forehead and Uryuu admires the light sheen of sweat across the other man’s chest and arms, the way his stomach muscles contract.
“anything.” Chad pants, “just . . . I want to come.”
Uryuu actually grins this time, fingers wrapping back around Chad and Uryuu’s mouth covers as much of the tip of Chad’s cock into his mouth. It’s not comfortable, Chad is really large, intimidating so, and Uryuu knows perfectly well that everything about him is small including his mouth. He manages though and the one and only time Chad had suggested that Uryuu didn’t have to give him head, he had been met with a cold stare and a hissed out statement that Uryuu would be able to manage just fine. Uryuu licked at the small trickle of pre come, licked down Chad’s cock again, slowly pumping and twisting his hand as he does so. He lets his mouth close back over the tip of Chad’s length again and whimpers a little bit himself and Chad hisses and holds himself rigid to keep from bucking up. Uryuu makes an incredibly obscene slurping sucking noise and flicks his tongue even as his other hand drops to pull and press at Chad’s balls. Chad goes perfectly still body still taught and arched and comes, shaking, eyes closed head tossed to the side. Uryuu watches from under half lidded eyes and wishes he’s still wearing his glasses so he can see every detail of this, despite the fact that he’s seen it many, many times before. Cum splatters and dribbles down his chin and Uryuu sits back face scrunched a little and wipes himself off with his abandoned t-shirt as Chad pants and tries to come back to himself. His cheeks still feel a little hot and he wonders testily if he will never be able to have sex without blushing. It makes him feel stupid and he is so very much not a blushing virgin. Chad interrupts his self-deprecation when he sits up and wraps his arms around Uryuu pulling the other man close. They kiss, Chad pushing his tongue into Uryuu mouth and gently mapping it as if trying to collect the taste himself there. Uryuu groaned a little into the kiss and Chad’s fingers go to the waist band of Uryuu’s own pajama pants for a moment before tipping lower to gently trace Uryuu erection through the flimsy cloth and cup his balls.
“Thank you.” Chad says sincerely when they pull apart, just like he does every time and Uryuu rolls his eyes even as he can feel himself blush all over again.
“just get these pants off of me.” He says and Chad hums a little as he complies.
V.
Kisuke fidgets a little on his futon. It’s late, he stayed up particularly late tonight working in the lab and tomorrow seems like it’s going to be a long day too. He needs to get some sleep if for no other reason then his body is exhausted. His mind keeps going to Ichigo though. The young man had been in one of his moods all day and Kisuke had spent the better part of his time ignoring him. He’d discovered pretty early on there was really only two ways to deal with a moody Ichigo, ignore him, or physically beat some sense into him. Most importantly though you couldn’t let yourself get dragged down to his level. Ichigo’s angst and guilt could often be contagious but Kisuke knew he couldn’t let himself go there. He was much better at digging himself into mental holes then even Ichigo, after all, and the last thing one needed to deal with was two depressed self centered idiots. Kisuke had originally cultivated his sunny persona because it actually wasn’t that different from his actual personality and also acted as a block, a wall against unwanted prying. With Ichigo though it acted as a safety net keeping them both from being dragged down.
That didn’t mean he didn’t worry about Ichigo through. He worried about him a lot. Ichigo is young and although he’s incredibly strong Kisuke still worries about the amount of pressure, of responsibility, that keeps getting placed on his shoulders. The way Ichigo frowned these day, not just to cover up his real emotions but like he’s really truly tired makes Kisuke want to reach out to him. Makes him want to take the younger man in his arms and kiss the corners of his mouth. Makes him want to encourage Ichigo silly flirtation because Ichigo seemed so happy when he’s doing it. Maybe if he flirts back next time he might even get a smile out of Ichigo.
He turns over on the futon, it probably wasn’t a good idea to be thinking about Ichigo now. It’s way too tempting to think of doing things besides merely flirt with the young man. God, but Ichigo was so cute most of the time, except when he was being serious, and intense, ready to sacrifice his life to protect those he loved. In those instances Ichigo became down right sexy.
Kisuke pressed his hands against his eyes and sighed. Two hundred years, he tells himself, a two hundred year age gap. Actually two hundred years was nothing for Soul Reaper relationships, Kisuke’s previous crush had been two thousand years give or take a couple centuries older then him after all. Kisuke sighs again, folding his arms under his head and thinks about the first time he’d ever seen, Ukitake Jyuushirou, tall and beautiful, white hair falling around his shoulders as he demonstrated a fighting move to a group of students at the academy. He had been the first Captain Kisuke had ever met, back before the idea that he might one day be a Captain himself had ever entered crossed his mind. Kisuke had thought Ukitake was stunning even then, even before he’d really known him. When he’d gotten to know the other man he’d discovered Ukitake’s subtle sense of humor, his gently kindness and brilliant smile. Ukitake had always been interested in everything Kisuke did, all his researching, and his tinkering. They had talked a lot back when Kisuke had been a Captain and it had made him happy. Not that he’d ever fooled himself about Ukitake. The man had been a friend, Kisuke liked to think that on some level they still were friends, and sometimes a forbidden fantasy, but nothing more. Ukitake had Shunsui after all.
Kisuke had known the first time he’d ever seen those two in the same room that he had absolutely no chance with Ukitake. Some couples finished each other sentences, Shunsui and Ukitake finished each other’s train of thought. They were absolutely smitten with each other, and Kisuke couldn’t find it in himself to really be sorry about that. Ukitake was brilliant, beautiful and everything Kisuke had wanted in a man but he was also obviously stupidly in love with Shunsui. As Kisuke had gotten to know Shunsui he’d been able to see why. Shunsui was such a gentle man, far more then any other Captain Kisuke had ever met, caring and generous. He had a deep infectious sense of fun, a bright quick mind, and breathtakingly beautiful smile. No, Kisuke couldn’t fault either one of them really. So Kisuke contented himself with friendship and fantasies, because if there was anything hotter then fantasies about Ukitake then it was fantasies about Ukitake and Shunsui together.
Kisuke eyes glaze over slightly and he smacks himself sharply in the forehead. Get it together, he thinks, you aren’t a hundred any more act like an adult for crying out loud. His body’s not listening to him, though, and Kisuke sighs and turns over again and then flips over onto his other side. He tries to dredge up old memories of his last couple lovers, tries to find some generic fantasy men to distract himself with and ends up staring aimlessly at the ceiling in the dark instead.
It’s late, he’s tired, he should be going to sleep but now his mind is way too wound up for that. He curse softy to himself, and refuses, simply refuses, to do something like take off his pajama pants or reach for the vibrator under the bed. Self-control, he has excellent self-control. The minutes tick by, Kisuke body remains tired yet tense his mind going in a hundred different directions at once most of those places he’d much rather it just left alone. Kisuke rubs his knuckles across his forehead and wonders, which is less creepy; getting off to thoughts of Ichigo’s pretty, brown eyes, or Ukitake’s hands on Shunsui’s skin. Kisuke lets his hand fall against the blankets, yep he’s well and truly screwed, or not, which right now is the problem.
Kisuke thinks about the way Ichigo’s slim body curves as he draped himself across the counter in the front of the shop, jeans riding low on his hips. He thinks of the way the younger man is at once so conscious of his own body while fighting or training and yet so unconscious of it and it’s many charms all the rest of the time. He thinks about the few times he’s seen Ichigo smile and the even fewer times he’s seen him laugh. He’s mind goes to the way Ichigo’s chest heaves and the younger man pants when they’ve been training for hours and they’re both exhausted and Ichigo has just managed, temporarily, to pin him down against the ground . . .
As Kisuke pulls himself half off his futon and rummages under the frame for his largest vibrator, he decided that, yes in fact the Ukitake getting all hot and handsy with Shunsui fantasy is the least-pervy of his two options.
VI.
Ichigo wrestled his pillow into a more comfortable position and groaned a little. He hated waking up to this mixture of guilt and lust. Lust because of the dream he’d been having hot hands stroking down his stomach and lips nibbling at his ear. As his mind came more fully awake he found himself slipping out of the dream space of sensation and safety and into reality where he was an incredibly powerful substitute Soul Reaper. Thus the guilt and shame, he shouldn’t have this deep sinking in the pit of his stomach and want nothing more then to roll over and go back to the sleep when he thought of his duty. He had this power for a reason, he was glad he had this power, he shouldn’t feel as if just this once he was simply tired, tired of being expected to live in two worlds. Because that was it, he thought squeezing his eyes close, it wasn’t the power and it wasn’t the fighting, he’d to anything to protect people who needed protecting, it was just that he didn’t really fit anywhere. He didn’t really belong and there was two world both trying to claim and reject him at the same time, not to mention all the other people who wanted a piece of him.
He snuggles his pillow more pushing his face into it, he wanted the warm sleepy feeling back where he didn’t have to feel angry, or guilty where he could just enjoy his fantasy. Speaking of which, Ichigo close his eyes nestling farther into his blankets hugging the pillow to his chest. There had been gentle hands touching him, lips kissing and biting at his ear and throat. Ichigo shivered a little, he couldn’t remember much else about the dream but his imagination quickly added a hard chest, and broad shoulders, doesn’t think too hard about the fact that he also adds blond hair. He sighs a little moves his hips against the pillow he’s currently molesting. It’s good, it feels good the hands of his fantasy man are skillful touching right where he likes to be touched. The guilt is still there though, lurking underneath the surface, twisting in his gut to make something almost like sadness leech into his bones. Without even meaning to the hands touching him in his mind become gentle more soothing then arousing and the arms attached to those hands pull him close in a protective way. Ichigo snorts and rolls onto his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. He gives himself a good hard mental slap and slides his boxers down over his hips, his hand going to curl around his still particularly hard cock. Way to go fuck up a perfectly good fantasy, with emotions he shouldn’t even be feeling. His hand moves with practiced efficiently coaxing himself to full hardness, he tries to push the guilt as far away as possible and summon the fantasy back but it refuses to come. Ichigo sighs again giving up on the fantasy all together and just concentrates on the feel of his hand.
VII.
Yasutora did not try to rationalize this. He could, he could say it wasn’t any different from what he’d been doing, some enemies where just too strong, you had to attack first or you wouldn’t be able to protect those you needed to protect. He doesn’t do that though, doesn’t try to find a way in his own mind how this is ok. It’s the right thing to do, he’s no help as he is right now, everyone else around him keeps getting stronger and Yasutora’s abilities have simply stalled and that makes him useless. He’s just strong enough to be considered dangerous by the enemy; not strong enough to hold his own against them. He won’t even consider standing aside now and not being there. The mere idea makes him sick, of Ichigo Orihime and Uryuu throwing themselves into the line of danger and him not being there. It makes him feel physically ill, if something were to happen he’d never forgive himself. So he knows he will do this. It doesn’t make it right, though, in his mind. He knows he’s letting his grandfather down, going against the life he wanted so much for Yasutora. He’s going against his beliefs and he doesn’t like it but he’s painted himself into a corners and it’s either sacrifice this things that he’s held on to that’s made him who he is since his grandfather’s death or sacrifice his friends, the man he loves. In the end it’s not really a decision at all.
VIII.
Uryuu has become almost painfully aware of how big a role his beliefs play in his life. He is a Quincy, disagreements he might have with how his father interprets that how, that has been interpreted throughout history, but it is still, very much who he is. He like, Chad he follows his grandfather’s religion. It is undeniably a part of him, and how that his mind has decided to hyper-focus on it Uryuu realizes just how obviously so. There are Quincy crosses everywhere. His apartment is practically covered in them and yes they all serve a practical purpose of helping him train and channel his power but that still doesn’t change the fact that he has a freaking lot of them. He has a lot of the kind he wears too, both the kind that will bring forth weapons and the kind that Quincies traditionally use for prayer and focusing. Every morning the first things he does is put on the one that goes around his wrist the one that can call forth a bow, then he takes out one of the smaller less powerful ones and uses it to pray with. Prayer is not only a big part of Uryuu’s daily routine it is an important part of Quincy belief and helps focus him. He finds that the days when he keeps to his scheduled prayer he does much better both in training and actually fighting then the days when he skips it.
He’s been doing it all, living surrounded by symbols of his heritage so long he usually just takes it all for granted. It’s only not that he things about it that he can’t seem to stop thinking about it. It’s because of Chad, because of the decision Chad’s made. Not that the other man had said anything, or well, Chad never said anything unless it was really, really important. Chad hadn’t indicated he found anything wrong with Uryuu’s continued devotion to the Quincy traditions. Chad had always been very respectful of Uryuu’s beliefs, even as Uryuu had always been very respectful of Chad’s. He knows that in some ways Chad feels he is betraying his , and Uryuu hates that. He hates that Chad’s been put into that position and he hates it’s partially because of him. Because Chad feels like he needs to protect him, especially now. Sure Chad feels like he needs to protect everybody, it’s rather chronic condition in their small group, but Uryuu knows perfectly well that Chad feels a particular responsibility to protect him. Not that Chad thinks that Uryuu is weak even now. If anything Ichigo is far more likely to underestimate him then Chad is, but still Chad has special feels for Uryuu.
It’s a toxic mix simmering quietly inside him this guilt over his ability to still hold true to his beliefs and his lack of power. It taints everything he does, keeps him awake at night, keeps him from giving Chad what he wants to, giving all that he has. He’s holding back now, second guessing his ability to be what Chad needs in a partner, and they haven’t even been together that long. It gets to the point though when Uryuu realizes he has to make a decision.
He’s standing in the bathroom of his apartment looking at his reflection in the mirror when he decides he can’t go on like this. He has to either get his Quincy powers back. Convince Chad that he doesn’t need to take care of Uryuu doesn’t need to give it all up for him, or he has to leave the other man. The mere thought makes him feel physically sick, makes his hand go dry and shake a little. He glares at his reflection and tells him to get himself together, he’ll figure it out, and even if he doesn’t he’ll do what’s best for Chad because the other man deserves that from him. Chad has never been anything but a sweet, kind, attentive partner to Uryuu made him feel special, made him feel loved, wanted, needed even. Uryuu wraps his arms around himself and pushes hard against the mental images of not having Chad in his life, of seeing the other man in school, but not being able to touch him, hold him, just be with him. He’ll do what’s best, for everyone but especially for Chad. Then the other man wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. He deserves that much at least.
(Part 4)