Fucking Jiminy Cricket
I know only this...,
A friend asked me if marriage was as bad as everyone said it was. I said, for me, at least it wasn't, but that even if it was, I wouldn't admit to it because that would make me just like everybody else and what the fuck would the point of that be?
I told him two things which make marriage different than dating.
1) Drunk sex. Doesn't happen. Or, rarely happens. When you're dating and just get together, you get drunk, bawl, throw-up then hump some more. When you've been together for six years or more, you get drunk, buy some junk food, go home and one of you passes out while the other one watches Law and Order reruns. There's just no pressure to have sex, because, well, all those genitals aren't going anywhere. Ever.
2) Being married is a lot like fucking Jiminy Cricket. You know that voice in your head that tells you what you shouldn't have told that last tranny hooker story or how maybe your nostril hair might be sticking out during an art show? Well, marriage is a lot like having that voice walking around with you, everywhere, all the time. The up-side is you can make that voice go down on you. The down-side is that no matter how much vodka and denial you throw at it, you can not drown it out and even if you do, everyone else at the table can hear it anyway. It makes you a better person but it also makes you dull.
Jiminy Cricket strutting around in a thong and my old Sex Pistols shirt has also managed to throw into sharp relief the person I thought I was and the person I am. This, I feel, has mostly been for the better.
Of course, being married to me ain't no double fudge sundae all the time neither, kid. I'm abrasive, sarcastic, confrontational and I have to be, at all costs, without question, in charge of the shopping cart at the grocery store. You can't just wander around in there with no plan.
Soon, I'll post about my Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Basically, it means I'm an asshole. I've always known that. But, being married has taught me that I might, from time to time, be a pathological asshole. Still, I prefer to think I'm afflicted with Awesome Personality Disorder.
A friend asked me if marriage was as bad as everyone said it was. I said, for me, at least it wasn't, but that even if it was, I wouldn't admit to it because that would make me just like everybody else and what the fuck would the point of that be?
I told him two things which make marriage different than dating.
1) Drunk sex. Doesn't happen. Or, rarely happens. When you're dating and just get together, you get drunk, bawl, throw-up then hump some more. When you've been together for six years or more, you get drunk, buy some junk food, go home and one of you passes out while the other one watches Law and Order reruns. There's just no pressure to have sex, because, well, all those genitals aren't going anywhere. Ever.
2) Being married is a lot like fucking Jiminy Cricket. You know that voice in your head that tells you what you shouldn't have told that last tranny hooker story or how maybe your nostril hair might be sticking out during an art show? Well, marriage is a lot like having that voice walking around with you, everywhere, all the time. The up-side is you can make that voice go down on you. The down-side is that no matter how much vodka and denial you throw at it, you can not drown it out and even if you do, everyone else at the table can hear it anyway. It makes you a better person but it also makes you dull.
Jiminy Cricket strutting around in a thong and my old Sex Pistols shirt has also managed to throw into sharp relief the person I thought I was and the person I am. This, I feel, has mostly been for the better.
Of course, being married to me ain't no double fudge sundae all the time neither, kid. I'm abrasive, sarcastic, confrontational and I have to be, at all costs, without question, in charge of the shopping cart at the grocery store. You can't just wander around in there with no plan.
Soon, I'll post about my Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Basically, it means I'm an asshole. I've always known that. But, being married has taught me that I might, from time to time, be a pathological asshole. Still, I prefer to think I'm afflicted with Awesome Personality Disorder.