Sleep?

Jul 11, 2007 22:48

Well, i should really be sleeping right now, however i'm not...maybe because tomorrow im getting a test done where they shock my muscles, kind of scary. Although i'm hoping it ends up being no big deal. I'm more worried about the one in two weeks where they stick needles in and shock you (anyone else feeling like a mentally insane person yet??)

I broke up with my therapist this week, she just wasn't doing anything for me, so now i have to search for another.. There's a lady that i really want to see, but she doesn't accept insurance so i would have to get reimbursed out of network and i have to assume that she charges like $150 an hour, as she's not listed anywhere on the net that i can find and keeps a really low profile due to the patients that she apparently has. You enter in one door and depart from another so you never see any of her other patients.I don't see myself being able to comfortably afford her if i go part time, but i won't have a better idea about that until next week, and even then it's the first meeting. I highly doubt they'll make a decision after only one meeting.

Lots going on, on the mom front.. welfare denied her disability and dental/vision benefits, she wants to go off her meds because the side effects are too much to deal with (which btw, if she does i've read there's a high rebound rate).She's completely broke, had a hard time scrapping up $15 to pay her credit card, which apparently ended up being late so she's going to lose whatever APR she has. She's talking about selling her car, as a last resort she's going to hit my godmother up for money...

As much as i want to know what my mom is going through, i don't know what to do anymore, i'm tired of the guilt trips that she gives me, the last one i got was about the fact that i spend so much time with Ryan's family (who lives just 10 mins from her) and don't ever come see her... why would i want to spend time with her when she's so miserable? Even without this sickness and the meds she was still miserable even before that. I have enough emotional baggage of my own without having to carry hers too. Sometimes i want to cut her out of my life, but then i give myself a guilt trip, i honestly don't think she'd survive it...

Can anyone tell me what it's like to be happy? I honestly don't think i know what it feels like, and if i was i wonder if i would even be aware? I'm sure at some points in the recent past i've been happy, i mean there were times that i felt this overwhelming feeling toward Ryan, i haven't felt that in a while though.. it's too soon in the relationship for that to be gone. He's going through his own emotional shit right now, and i'm trying so hard to be there for him, but he won't let me. I don't know what to do other than to try and give him his space and let him work it out on his own. If these depressive phases continue though, i don't know how long i'll last.I grew up with a bipolar mother, i can't handle living with someone like that for the rest of my life. It's too hard.
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